all the cool kids!

you are getting very sleepy...when i snap my fingers you will follow this blog! leave tasty comments! and check out my OTHER blogs! Bruce's Evil Twin stupid stuff I see and hear The Dreamodeling Guy dreamodeling! The Guy Book The Guy Book


the blogdog blog

Friday, December 31, 2010

first post of 2011...

….a bit early!

In a few hours I will be not in any condition to type, let alone entertain…and tomorrow, well there are so MANy football games!

Welcome new BIA Skippy Mom at I make Soap She is familiar to many of us, but those of you who do not know her go check her out, she is the latest Petey winner… and her blog rocks.

the Guy Book  would like to welcome new BIA Semi-True ToryStellar at can u relate. Stop by and say hello...she is the bomb-diggity! She is the third trifecta follower (Becca and Mynx are the first two)

TRENDING NO!!!!TRENDING NOOOOOO!!!! (i may or may not make this stuff up?)
1.Lindsay Lohan (this is her FAVORITE holiday, she will be in treatment by Jan. 1)
2.Elaine Mellencamp (just don’t call her Cougar)
3.Kathy Griffin (is preggers)
4.Angelina Jolie (is it just me or is anyone else sick of her being an attention whore?)
5.Obesity statistics (over the muffin top)
6.Black-eyed peas (are thinking 'bout asking Darius Rucker to front the band)
7.Laura Govan (abandonment issues)
8.Ground beef recall (thank god it wasn’t hot dogs!)
9.Credit cards (rates drop again…down to 26%! Woo-hoo!)
10.2011 predictions (the world ends)

Hed at Hed above water  gave me an award, but it is difficult enough to type while two-fisted drinking, let alone wander over to her place grab an award, and make it safely back without getting nabbed by the po-po for drunken bloggering, so I will have to wait till Monday to do the award the justice it so rightfully deserves.

In yesterday’s post I alluded to GoogleBrother and the illegal clicks. The legal braintrust at googlef*cker has an iron clad way to get out of paying you. If they determine that anything you do makes you money, they pull the magical phrase illegal clicks outta their greedyasses.

In my vast experience, and research, there is no refuting the final determination of GoogleStaupo. They have all the data, and they make all the determinations.

Don’t do it. adsense is the devil.

I am so f*ing done with that crap.

On to the rest of the crap in my head.

The sponsorship is filled for the first 7 no 8 no  9 weeks of the year. Hence, we are looking at March as the first opening. Those of you that have expressed interest are on the LIST!

I am a pimping MFer.

Again, there are no rules. I pick a sponsor, pimp them for a week, and they have to do NOTHING. They CAN steal grab the banner and post it on the award section or on their blog. Or not.

I will have the banner and the sponsor at the top of the blog just below the trending now portion of every blog. The official sponsor~ship sails on Mfft Monday January 3, 2011.

All I ask is if youz guyz decide to grab it, youz guyz remember whence it came. If any of youz guyz want to do likewise, have a sponsor, I am all for it, but again, just remember the genius guy that started the ball rolling. Or not. It is your karma bank that will be tapped…Jus’ Sayin’

It is an idea born of altruism, and depositing in the karma bank. And my way of saying thanks to all those that help keep me sane!

love you all!
(in a totally non-sexual, yet Very Manly way!)

Happy New Year!



oops spilled my drink!
and stay safe!




Thursday, December 30, 2010

turning over a new leaf...

TRENDING NO!!!!TRENDING NOOOOOO!!!!
1.Candace Cameron (CC for short)
2.Ana Ivanovic (hot?)
3.Ryan Phillippe (???)
4.Khloe Kardashian (yet another attention whore)
5.Whip My Hair (check out Jimmy Fallon doing Neil Young doing this song)
6.Ashton Kutcher (got punk’d)
7.Bette Midler (got old)
8.Tax-deductible deductions (redundancy department x 2)
9.Brie Larson (who dat?)
10.Mortgage rates (are now at 2%)

After a grueling 1/2 week of bloggering, I may be up for yet another vacation. mebbe. IDK, R? I may be here all weekend posting blogs and comments. or I may be blotto. I have yet to decide.

Simple Dude is actually not a new BIA. He disappeared from my list and then re-appeared, while at the same time I disappeared from his Google reader. But it gave me a reason just to pimp his blog…and I am all about pimping.

I am wondering if this GoogleBloggerGlitch had anything to do with a rather sarcastic reply to their why are you not doing ad-senselessness. GoogleBrother is watching... 

i gave them a fake email address like ursof*ingstupid@fu.com

yeah, something like that.

Long timers know that GoogleBrother disabled my ad sense account for what they deemed as *illegal clicks.

so f* them…

Anytime I can poke at a sleeping giant, tho’ I am up for that. So when the opportunity came for me to refute their little Ponzi scheme (not actually a Ponzi, but I like the way it sounds so I am running with it.)

They actually say in their propaganda opinion poll survey something to the effect of making $1000.00’s of dollars a month. My best day was about $10.00. (if i could make 10 per day x30 days = $300.00 not really close to 1000, but you know, this new math) right after that and magically after I crossed the payment threshold (of $100.00) I was suddenly deactivated.

for illegal clicks...

right...

My advice to you is avoid putting their stupid ads on your site, and fill it with pictures your BIA would find cool…

or start a porn site.

or an EvilTwin blog

The New Year's Eve is almost upon us. It is the one time of the year where my proclivity to imbibe is not exactly frowned upon. In fact it is embraced.

I like that.

However, I call it amateur night.  People feel it is okay to drink on this night for some reason and they go out in droves. I am usually in bed before the f*ing ball drops, cuz there is tons of football to watch on New Year's Day, but I usually start the day with a breakfast beer. And keep on quaffing all day. I really hate the stupidity of drunks, mostly of the amateur variety you see on this day/evening, so I avoid all contact, i.e. bars!

I don't like that.

the secret to drinking is to ride the wave, get a good buzz, but not get stupid drunk.

I find nothing romantic about kissing a drunk at midnight, either. And why people flock to watch a ball drop outside in the f*ing cold? With a bazillion other drunks? yeah right. shoot. me. now.

After some serious soul searching and insidious introspection I have decided…

I was going to make some new years resolutions, but seriously, why? I am too old a dog to do any new tricks, so I will continue along the same path that got me this far.

Besides, Trix are for kids. And sometimes for tricky rabbits. Oh, and the occasional prostitute. No new tricks here, however.

Nope.

The New Year will be one of many surprises, I am sure. I am hoping not to have any really big, upsetting ones, but some things are just outta my hands, and so I just have to roll with the punches.

Some excitement for the New Year!

I am going to start a new blog. I know you are prolly saying f* you Bruce, isn’t three F*ing blogs enough?

Prolly.

But no.

I am going to write a serious Blog. Yup. One about remodeling. Cuz it will help with my non-bloggering life. And tie in to the idea that I actually have to go back to doing what I did for the last twenty years.

(no, I am not going to go commando, full time. Although I was surprised by the number of comments about that guilty pleasure, I woulda  thought that there would be more interest in my affection to Christmas carols. I may be commando right now, and sporting a mullet)

I need some kind of routine, because I am not very motivated or mebbe I should say I am easily led astray by the things I would like to do as opposed to the things I need to do. To that end I will be structuring my bloggering to accommodate the possibility of REALLY getting a business up and running, instead of just poking it with a stick, and getting it all angerfied and stuff.

Ib at The Habitual Hobbit has offered to collaborate on the Guy Book. Although, I have the entire book written, I do not have any insight into the trials and tribulations of child birth from a man’s perspective, so I will be offering to him a chapter on that *debacle* miracle. Watch for it.

Actually, I guess I am changing my path a bit…rolling in a bit of the new dog thing…Jus’ Sayin’

My new posting schedule will be as follows:

More food for thought Monday
    Tucker does Tuesday
Remodeling Wednesday (the new blog, yet to be named)
    Mebbe Something Thursday (mebbe not anything Thursday it is MCT after all)
Thematic Photo Friday (in conjunction with Carmi’s blog I miss doing this blogday)

I may be in the mood for half ass-ing it weekend style like SD, but I may just get caught up on all the reading and commenting and such. Who knows. This pace of two blogs a day for the past couple months is too much, for a mere mortal with a job.

And the biggest change for the New Year, and no, it is not that I am sporting a mullet, but ya never know, I am introducing a new pimping fest called

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

THIS BLOG IS SPONSORED BY….






There are no rules.

I will randomly pick a BIA or a blog I BIA and they will be mentioned in every blog I post for a week or so…and I will say nice things about them. And pimp them out.

Now if you are interested in being considered for this, idk, honor? You can e-mail me at Askevilbruce@gmail.com. You must give me a reason. Otherwise it will just be up to me…and you KNOW that is never good...

And to kick it off…

This blog is sponsored by....

Oilfield Trash at make daddy a sammich 

The first sponsor of the New Year.
(officially starts on Monday January 3, 2011, for me...If I have sobered up enough to type...)

oh AND btw...you of course can respectfully decline, or ignore this honor curse sponsorship, just tell me in a three page document, single spaced, why you shouldn't be allowed to sponsor my blog...

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Wednesday nights a good night...

for blog love!
TRENDING NO!!!!TRENDING NOOOOOO!!!!
1.Todd Bridges (whatchu talkin’ bout, Willis)
2.Janet Jackson (yet another wardrobe malfunction)
3.Angelina Jolie (has really big lips)
4.Lily Allen (getting hitched, too bad guys)
5.2011 predictions (I will become king of the world, or the world ends)
6.Kathy Griffin (funny chick)
7.Medicare (is really expensive)
8.Bon Jovi (I’m a cowboy.)
9.Small business loans (what, they loan money to small businesses? Why did I not know that?)
10.Parsley recall (nobody eats parsley)





I WANT to thank ib at The Habitual Hobbit for this award. I should have done my duty immediately and followed all protocols and procedures, but face it. I am lame. and lazy. and well, busy. doing stuff. all kinds of stuff. lots of stuff...mostly lazy. BTW...ib is awesome. you need to check him out and hit the follow button...do it!

I am an award whore, but lame/lazy none-the-less. Perhaps one day I will get around to making a page for me display of my award whore~ish~ness. Or not. I can barely figure out how to post this stuff on one page so why complicate it with two or three...

welcome new BIA SimpleDude at simple dude complex world This guy rocks the bloggersphere! If you are not following him...well, you are just plain missing out!

so...

besides...

and all that...

I have to pass this on to three other BIA. Jus' Sayin'

This is the toughest thing I have ever done. In all my life. Fo.rev.er. Seriously. Difficult. I mean it is not like choosing between Jif and another peanut butter, or between smooth and crunchy. Well, it is not as difficult as quitting smoking...sh*t...I think I just started again. Oh, the stress...

Not really, but...

I have so many people I love. So many blogs that rock my socks. (Hey, if I am following you I think you rock...and I have great taste..Just ask me!) You all make me do the Tom Cruise Underwear Dance. (in my head of course...i'll explain later.)


i happen to be passing this along to the following BIA..

Pearl is a gem. Pearls are gems as well.  Her blog is filled with gems...It always makes me laugh. If you want to be entertained Pearl is your girl!!! And she is a published writer! (i will be purchasing her book as soon as i find a full-time job, and i may just buy two, cuz they are so inexpensive! and she is sooo good!)

Lynne H at bits of paper and glue.
She says she is not a great poet, but I disagree. Every post makes me think. And since poetry works on the literal and the symbolic level, well, read her stuff and tell her what you think. (And she will be co-conspiratoring with my EvilTwin, shortly)


Semi True Torystellar at Can U Relate? 
Simply a great read! She has been busy with the holiday season, cuz she works in the online retailer sector. (that would be FUN!?!) She does all kinds of cyberwebber hocus-pocus...but now that the season is winding down she will be posting more frequently (i hope...) 

I believe the next phase of this award is to reveal 5 guilty pleasures. or mebbe I was supposed to do this first. editing is a bitch and once stuff is on the page, i do not want it to disappear in cyber cosmos...

so many of the things i like that may be construed as a guilty pleasure, as regular readers can attest to and already know about...here's somethings you don't know..mebbe...

1. The Tom Cruise Underwear Dance. 
Oh hey I already gave you this one...see video above...Imagine that dance by a guy with two left feet, older and BeerGutted, and mix in a little bit a ton of the "WhiteMansOverbite" . So, Yeah. I do this in my head. but frequently. i may be doing it right now. i may be naked.

2. Christmas Music.
I would listen to Christmas Music year 'RoundYonVirgin... sometimes I have been known to belt out the Little Drummer Boy during long commutes. In July or August. Oh, and in the shower, when the family is MIA...any time of year...be right back...

I was just singing one now...

3. I really liked the movie Definitely Maybe...I have seen it more than once. All the way through.
and mostly cuz of  isla fisher...I have said enough about that.

4. I go commando whenever I do not have clean underwear, or the mood strikes me. Not so much in the winter. cuz it's just too cold to be FreeBallin'...sometimes i wear undies outside the pants...

5.  Sometimes I go to Kara's blog and don't leave a comment just to see if any kittens just die...just kidding. (no. no, he's not...he can be quite EvilTwinish...i know i live in his head as well) ...

6.Ha fooled ya...I be you thought I was gonna go all overachiever on your asses...not so much...

peace out yo!

Just Another Day In Paradise!!!




Tuesday, December 28, 2010

TuckMonster does Tuesday!(Tues dec 28)

TRENDING NOW~!!! TRENDING NOOOOOO!!!!
1.Aretha Franklin (still kicking? She died on twitter…f*ing twits)
2.Beyonce (has a nice rack)
3.Mike Singletary (fired!)
4.Rachel Weisz (hot)
5.Kindle (books on ipod)
6.Ginnifer Goodwin (actress with and odd name)
7.Hugh Hefner (old as f*ck)
8.iPad (only works on human touch)
9.Snowfall totals (it’s winter, who cares, snow in summer, that would be news)
10.Bond funds (are a great way to save money, or not, depending on who you ask)
twas the night before after christmas...
and all through the house...
 i was ready to chew.chew. chew.
and play. play play.


Hi. I'm Tucker. I am a puppy! This was quite a week. Daddy and I played. A.LOT. We went on a bunch of rides in the truck. We went ev.er.ry.where. It was fun. But it is always fun. fun. fun. When I am with daddy.

Mommy and Mylibean got home about the same time as Daddy and I on Thursday. The house was cold. It turns out the thing in the scary, noisy room (furnace) was not working. Daddy went in the scary, noisy room where the noises are and started to cuss. Mommy said it sounded like that scene from the movie *A Christmas Story.* I do not know what that means, but Mommy was laughing. I licked her face.

This week MCT was cancelled, cuz Cookie is kinda lame (daddy's words) and had all kinds of excuses, so I did not get to play with Bently. Instead I played with daddy. He said we were gonna play WinterCampin'. I am  not sure what that means, but we went SummerCampin' and that was fun. but that was for.ever. ago. Back when I was a little puppy. I am a big puppy now.

Daddy and me went to get some wood and he said we would make a fire, just like at WinterCamping. I agreed that we should just play. play .play. You get very warm when you play. So I played  and Daddy watched the REDWINGS.

He was watching the REDWINGS, and they were not doing well, cuz daddy was cussing and stuff. I told daddy we should just play. he agreed. we played. He got tired and sat in his chair. Then he watched the REDWINGS. And cussed some more. I went up stairs, but it was cold up there so I came back down and slept.

Then daddy and I went back upstairs and slept. For a long time.

I guess the thing in the noisy room is working again, cuz daddy and I did not play WinterCamping anymore.

The next day Daddy took me to see Gramma J. She just LOVES me. But then everyone does. Cuz I am cute. But I will write about that next week...Cuz this week...

I just Celebrated my first ever Christmas. I got lots of things to  chew on. I opended lots of presents. Some of them were even mine! It was fun. fun. fun. Everyone was laughing and smiling. so was I. I ran around and played. a.lot. and chewed. a.lot.

On the next day (actual Chrismas Day) I went to see Gramma W. And I met a little dog named Beau, and I saw my friend named Teddy. Niether Beau, nor Teddy were much fun. But I am. I am a lot of fun! beau is really old. Older than daddy. Teddy is just kinda fat, and grumpy. but not me! I am fun.fun. fun.

Daddy said that Christmas was actually Saturday, but we were going to celebrate with mommy and Mylibean and Mr.Saturday on Sunday. Then he said.Blah.blah.blah. Cuz I stopped listening. I was looking at all the treats. And then I licked daddy's face, so he laughed. And then I grabbed a toy. And started playin. playin playin.

me and daddy with his hockey sweater...
I bought daddy a new hockey sweater. It says Zetterburg and has the number 40 on it. It is cool! Daddy loves it. But then daddy loves me, even more than he loves the REDWINGS!!!! and we all know how much he loves the REDWINGS!!!!...And I got some things to chew on. chew. chew. chew!



i got you, mr tiger!!!


daddy said this is a candy cane...
Daddy said it looks like something else.
mommy said daddy was being naughty...
 I bought mommy a sweater. It is the color daddy calls purple. It is soft. Like Mommy. And I got some things to chew on. Chew. chew. chew.Play.Play.Play!

I bought Mylibean and Christopher each a LIONS sweater that says 44 and Best on the back. And (daddy says) the LIONS have won three straight! They both loved it! And I got some puppy treats. Cuz i am the Best puppy in the world! treats.treats.treats.

Christmas is about the things that you remember about the people in your life. And (daddy says Crown Royal, which is a REALLY GOOD candiyan Whisker) the time you spend with your family. And Playin' and Chewin'. Cuz really, what does daddy know. I am a puppy. I know ev.ery.thi.ng! Family and playin and chewin. what else is there, really?

Oh yeah. Bunnies and squirels!

I am  happy and tired puppy. I have survived WinterCamping in the basement, and my first ever Christmas. I got lots of toys so this week I will be playin'. Playin. Playin.

I hope your christmas was very full of playin. chewin. and family!

gotta go! gotta go! gotta go!


 


Monday, December 27, 2010

come on baby...light my fire...(monday dec 27)

TRENDING NOOOO!!!!TRENDING NOOOOO!!!!!
1.Teena Marie (dead)
2.Christina Hendricks (big boobs)
3.Hugh Jackman (retires)
4.Bristol Palin (pregnant again…)
5.Jane Fonda's Workout (can I do this while eating a cheeseburger?)
6.Avril Lavigne (sings some songs)
7.Fitness plans (suck)
8.James Franco (caught smoking weed)
9.Health insurance (is just a ripoff)
10.Biutiful (how do you spell that?)

Welcome new BIA

Semi True Torystellar  at Can U Relate...free-thinking witha  hot avatar!! check her out and drop her a line in the comments section....cuz all the cool kids are doing it...you do want to be cool and all that right? I knew you did...


thisisme is the latest winner of the Petey...congrats!

I was gonna do some award stuff, but face it kids, i am lame. and lazy. if i come up with an easy for cheesy post like this one i'm gonna be all over it like a pornstar...sometimes they just write themselves. look for award stuff on wednesday,,,cuz we all know wednesday night is a good night for bloglove...

i missed you all, so now im back for a few days and then back on vacation...

cuz that's how i roll.
_________________________________________________________________


The weather outside is not fit for man nor beast. I am thankful I am not living on the street. I drive past these poor souls frequently and am thankful I am not one of them. *but for the grace...go I*

the following post is in real time...tic toc..tic toc...

The answer was coming home and hanging out with the TuckMonster, a few toddies, and a WINGS game. Yup. That was the idea. That WAS the answer. But I was in the  Alex Trebek alternative universe. AND I was stuck.

The question was what will Bruce do on the night before the night before Christmas...The question BECAME.... WTF is wrong with the furnace. I walked in the door and could feel the temperature was not quite right. Bummer dude.

It is 61 degrees F in the house. (On the main floor)

Thursday night, the night before the night before Christmas, is not the best of times to have a furnace go out, and I only find this stuff out the hard way. Life is a harsh task master. Actually, no time in the 9 month Michigan winter is a good time for the furnace to puke.

It needs to be fixed. I call my Landlord. I get voice mail. Prolly cuz she has my number in her phone and it is usually a problem for her to have to figure out when I call. I do not know. She prolly looks at it and…straight to voicemail…

There is also the California to Michigan time difference. No worries. I can never get this simple concept of time and where in the USA it changes or how many hours difference, quite right. So don’t even ask me to figure out what year it is, in, like, say Australia…

I then instruct my wife to take the chillin and go to her mom’s house where they would be safe, cuz it is too cold to stay here. I will make the supreme sacrifice and stay here with the TuckMonster. I toss my glasses from my face and rip open my shirt, revealing a large S for SuperBruce!!! .(L for LoserBruce) 

“Honey, save yourself and Mylibbean! I will handle this furnace debacle!”

Okay, I lied, they were going there anyway. The TuckMonster and I were OTR (And the WINGS were on!!!!)

Bo~nus! (Sing-song voice!))

But first, the little problem of the heat and furnace issue. I wander into the furnace room and contort myself like a yoga master to see if I can figure out WTF is wrong.  I IMMEDIATELY figure out the flame is not flaming. Cuz I am a genius like that.

Let me just say yoga is crazy, until you need it. If you don't practice it, a prescription to vicodin or several canadian whiskeys will help the after effects of said non-yogis. I am a non-yogi. I took both.

Meanwhile.

What to do?

My wife hits me upside the head with hands me the phone book. I turn to heating and cooling. The cooling part is fine. I am concerned with the heating.

I call ALLLLLLLL (at least the ones that have big splashy phone numbers) the “24 HOUR” HVAC companies. They all have answering services. Thankfully, the services all speak English and not Foreignish.

I wait.

And wait.

And f*ing wait some more.

Finally, some jackweasel calls me back.

And says “Well, until I hear from your landlord, I cannot fix your furnace.”

“Dude, I will pay you. I can work it out with her later. The WINGS are on tonight and I will be damned if I do not get to watch them from the comfort of my ManCave” I implore the guy on the phone.

“Sorry, no can do.” He doesn't even respond with an obligatory "dude"... the bastage!

It is now 59 degrees F. (On the main floor)

The ManCave is colder still...funny thing about cold air, it sinks. (or warm air rises, I REALLY shoulda paid a bit more attention to my HS physics class...)

He calls back and says they are not doing any new rental accounts. I am outta luck.

Fine. Whatever. His company will never get my business, now. Vredervoodg, or however you spell it. Your name is mud in my book...

The ladies leave, saving themselves, and TuckMonster and I start a fire to keep warm. WinterCamping! Relax, kids, we have a fireplace, so, no, I did not start a fire on the carpet. Or a fifty-five gallon drum...Actually, we have two fireplaces. One fireplace is in the ManCave and one is in the main floor living room.

In the USA, or the land of USIES, (more on that in a future post) we live in the lap of luxury. We Take for granted the things like heat and A/C. We expect it. Until it goes horribly wrong. We are all just this close to living on the street. Or at least living like we were on the street. Then we panic. And cry like little school bitches kids. I, however, am The Last Boy Scout. (Not the Bruce Willis Movie...)

We retire to the Mancave, the TuckMonster and I, with fire roaring and behaving perfectly inside the fire box, and turn on the game. (It is heating up quite nicely)

I called every 24 hour service place and got no other replies.

24 hour service my ass!

It is now 56 degrees F. (On the main floor)

Finally, I hear from my landlord. She has arranged for her Jack-of-all-trades to come over and fix it.

YAY!

He can’t be there till the next morning.

Booooo!

It is now 51 degrees F. (OTMF)

The wings lose.

It is now 49 degrees F. (OTMF)

We run out of wood. The fire goes out. I go upstairs. Upon crossing the threshold of the stairway, I have snotsicles forming on my nose. It is seriously cold. I search in vane for my fingerless gloves.

The TuckMonster jumps onto and I crawl into, the bed.

What a fine way to start out my holiday weekend. Good thing I started growing a beard like six months ago. For playoff hockey. Last season. I just never shaved it.

It is 44degrees F.(OTMF) My harmonica has frozen to my lips on a spitbubble.

I fit in well with the rest of the bums on the street.

Just Another Day In Parrdise!

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

spirit of the season...

TRENDING NO!!!!!TRENDING NOOOOOO!!!!
1.David Schwimmer (what has he really done since friends?)
2.Paula Deen (still cooking)
3.Electric cars (plug in and turn on, baby!)
4.Mia Wasikowska (Alice doesn’t live here anymore)
5.16 & Pregnant (stupid and f*cked)
6.Pet food recall (glad I gave that up for lent!)
7.Lindsay Lohan (get my gun, she just needs to go away)
8.Mortgage relief (some people call this foreclosure)
9.Zara Phillips (has a nice rack!)
10.Harrison Ford (indiana jones part 27 straight to video)


I will be gone for a few days.

(i know it will be tough. but this will hurt me far more than it hurts you...oops wrong speach...)

Oh and after the holiday I will be sporting a new award!!! Thank you ib at Habitual Hobbit for giving me an award...now I have to do some work and all that, but I have not even started my Christmas shopping and stuff...hey if you are not  BIAing  ib, you ARE missing out!! I laugh every time I stop by...

and welcome to new BIA ....wait for it...wait for it...

the adorkable ditz...funny, smart, and always quick with a comment...if you have not checked her out, you REALLY need to!


(i am not sure what my evil twin will be doing, if i am lucky he will stay home as to keep me from getting in trouble with my outlaws!) I AM GOING TO CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS! Cheers to you that celebrate other things, but for me it is Christmas! 

Jus' sayin'

If you really need a JADIP fix...well, there are almost 200 posts in the archives!

I am going to spend some quality time with extended family, immediate family and my friend VoHo. At times we all have to change the way we do things. Life is full of compromise. I would love to blog and comment, but alas...

I will miss you all, my BIA, I may have a chance to stop by and see what you are up to, but most likely I will be otherwise occupied…

My Christmas wish for all of you is world peace.

But barring the fat man in the red suit getting us that particular gift I will settle for you all finding what is most important to you. (with or without a bow on it/him/her)

All the media right now is talking about buying gifts, shopping lists, and big sales. Here and there they stick in a little human interest blurb about caring and sharing.

May all yours have a safe, happy, and love filled holiday!

From the TuckMonster, Mylibean, Mr.Saturday, Roxy, and yours truly:

God bless!

and all that!

See ya after Christmas!

(mebbe after the new year, depending on how many of those cool booze and glass sets I get!)

Just Another Day In Paradise!!!

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

it's Tuckmonster Tuesday!!!

TRENDING NOW!!!!TRENDING NO!!!!
1.Lindsay Lohan (Drunken whore)
2.Paula Deen (fat southern foody)
3.Paper checks (really do not bounce, it’s just a phrase)
4.Keri Hilson (hot?)
5.Amelia Earhart (still missing)
6.Pet food recall (OFT? Did you have pet food?
7.Sarah Palin (oFFS…somebody shoot me)
8.Broadband Internet (can you say dinosaur?)
9.Kobe Bryant (is a punk)
10.Zara Phillips (who? Or who cares?)



i am watching you, mr. bunny and mr squirel!



I had a lot of fun this week. Puppies always have fun. Fun. Fun. Fun. Daddy and I went a lot of places this week. Lots of Tucker truck rides. We went to the big orange store a lot. That is okay but, the big orange store is boring. Boring. Boring. Boring.

Sometimes cuz it is so boring, I chew on daddy's stuff. this week I chewed up his smokie treats. daddy was not very pissed so it must have just been the box...chew. chew.chew.

They do not allow puppies in the big orange store. Unless they wear an orange vest. While I was waiting for daddy 2 puppies in orange vests got to go in the store. I wonder what is so exciting in the big orange store. I don’t know cuz daddy makes me stay in the truck. what to chew? what to chew? what to Chew?

Every time daddy comes out of the big orange store he is pissed. I think it is cuz I am not with him and he misses me. So I lick his whole face. He laughes. I lick him some more. lick. lick. lick.

The one store that I can go in is Chow Hound. They love me there. I know why. Cuz I am cute. And funny. They give me treats. There are lots of good smells in the Chow Hound. And lots of other dogs. So I get to sniff a lot of dog butt. Sniff. Sniff. Sniff.

me as a little puppy...
Way back fo.ev.er. ago, when I was a very little puppy, not like I am now, a big puppy, mommy and daddy took me to the Chow Hound. It was my first night with mommy and daddy. They let me walk where ever I wanted. I found a big white stuffed bone with a skeaker in side of it. I picked it up and carried it through the store. Mommy and daddy thought I was so cute so they bought it for me. I chewed it up. Right. a. way. Chew. Chew. Chew.

Two weeks ago we went to the Chow Hound to see a guy in a red suit. Daddy called him Satan. Mommy gave daddy the look. And told him he was an ass. I don’t know who this Satan guy is, but mommy called the guy the red suit something besides Satan. I think she called him Santa. Santa. Satan. Santa.



Here is a picture of me and Santa and Mylibean. At first I was ascared to go to see the man mommy calls Santa. But he gave me a treat. It was good. I like treats. Yummy. Yummy. Yummy.

It is time for me to go find something to chew on. Hey! There is Mylibean! I will chew on her…

chew. chew. ow. chew. Tucker! chew. chew. stop it!

 
 
 
 
 
 

Monday, December 20, 2010

monday food for thought

TRENDING NO!!!!TRENDING NOOOOO!!!!
1.Julianne Hough (hot)
2.Shania Twain (hot)
3.2011 predictions (the world ends)
4.Betty White (hot)
5.Brett Favre (brain dead)
6.Bill Cowher (next coach of the cowboys)
7.Bret Michaels (NOT dead)
8.Lunar eclipse (everyone gets MOONED)
9.Chocolate (I am allergic to chocolate)
10.terrorist attack at mall (psych!)


As a guy that likes to have as much structure in my life as possible, I am considering this day, Monday, to from now and henceforth, be known as Monday Food for Thought . (MFfT pronounced mufft) or until i change my mind Or in the realm of redundancy Monday Food for Thought Monday. Then we could call it MFfT Monday...whatever..

And Speaking of redundancy, one of my BIA is dealing with this very facet of life and could use your help. Please stop by and say hi to an uninspired blogger and give her a cheery word or two!!

You may ask why all the structure, in The Guy Book, I talk of a hatred of rules. Yup. But, rules are not structure and structure is more like boundries. And boundries make me think of sports and then sports make me think of women, and women make me think of dogs and dogs make me think of love and you see where this is going.

I.NEED. structure.

As I was driving today, on to what could have been a job opportunity, which is one thing I seem to do a lot of lately, I decided to get some gas. When the idiot light comes on, it is usually a good time to fill up the tank, as opposed to the alternative, running out of gas.

Running out of gas really sucks.

I stopped by the normal spot to get gas and thought of food. Well, that and my stomach alarm had gone off, so I was about to pass out from starvation, as it had been HOURs since I last had sustinance.

Yes, I was losing weight.

I decided to grab a couple of my all time favorites, gas station hot dogs! I have heard that they are not good for you, but then few foods I eat are, and I refuse to eat tofu. As My father used to say, "you live until you die." I would rather live a shorter life eating what I want than live longer eating crap that tastes like cardboard and has the texure of a toilet wax ring.

Don't ask me how I know.

Of course, I had to load them up with cheesy-goey goodness, which BTW, is not an actual food, but more like a chemical with gooey-good cheesy stuff flavoring. I also had a dollop of chili, (also questionable if it is real food) four jalepeno's (pickled) on each dog, as well as a few pickles (for salt, cuz god knows we do not eat ENOUGH salt in America) and a spoon of onions on each. (wanna kiss me now?)

They were good.

And quite messy.

Unfortunatly, I wore almost as much as I ate. Evil Bruce was along for the ride, so when we got cut off by some douche canoe, (thanks Jewels! it's her phrase) there were a few utterances that are not suitable for this blog. (but they can alwasy be seen on my EvilBruce site) I also ended up wearing more than a mouthful of cheesy-goo-chili-pickle-onion-jalepeno.

Guess I won't get that job.

I knew I should have packed a bib.

Since food makes me think of food, I spent a considerable amount of time pondering what other foods are really yummy. Meatloaf is one of my favorite foods. No ketchup on top, though, I hate ketchup. Oh and black olives, while one of the best things in the world, do not belong in meatloaf. If you don't believe me, ask my wife...Jus' Sayin'

And by considerable amount of time, I mean about 45 seconds.

Cuz then i got bored. 

And cut off again. 

More cussing ensued.

Digression aside:

These foods SHOULD be available...

The Mc Double while fine by itself, could only be better with Al Fredo sauce. Think about it. Two greasy burgers on a nearly as greasy bun, covered with melt-y american cheese food product. And then covered in equal, but well blended, portions of melted butter, heavy whipping cream and grated Parmesan cheese. I know, you are thinking about it right now.

And you are getting very hungry. 

As I menitoned earlier, I love me some meatloaf. However, I have yet to find anywhere that I can get deep fried meatloaf. Imagine this. Meatloaf, sans yuckified ketchup, dipped in an egg wash. No, scratch that, let's dip it in beef gravy,  and then roll in breading made with equal portions of corm meal, Italian bread crumbs, and crumbled Ritz crackers. For good measure, dust it with a bit of Caynene Pepper. Then dropped in a vat of boiling olive oil. (for health reasons).

But leave out the black olives.



i hate ketcup!

Sunday, December 19, 2010

over-served sunday.

TRENDING NOOOOO!!!!TRENDING NOOOOO!!!!
1.Tiger Woods (still playing golf?)
2.Reese Witherspoon (cute, and sorta hot)
3.Best books of 2010 (I can’t believe it! The guy book did not make the list)
4.Cam Newton (will lose his Heisman, just like Bush)
5.Multivitamins (not just for dinner anymore)
6.Eminem (I kinda like his stuff)
7.Owen Wilson (OMG! Attempted suicide again)
8.Water for Elephants (They are really thirsty)
9.Credit scores (wow, I just scored and 802)
10.Federal Reserve (was robbed!) 
 
First for some pimping!!! I want to welcome new BIA  Penny Lane here and here. Check her out please and let her know I sent ya!  (or my EvilTwin will come over and make a mess like he did at Mynx's site, Dribble...)

Congrats to  Bouncin Barb the third Petey award winner.

On to the post...and while I thought about this being a Half-assed Weekend Post like started at Simple Dude , I am feeling like that this post would be a disservice to the honor of that said ideal.

Nope.

I cannot do said disservice

BUT the LIONS won in overtime!!! 

(oops, i digress...)

This will be even a lesser post, as I was overserved last pm. AND I stayed up REALLY late.
AND that makes me feeling even lazier than normal...

Last night there was a Christmas Party thrown by my oldest friend. I have know this guy for all but 4 or 5 years of my life. His Party is an event of epic porportions, and I am usually his bartender... and it gives my EvilTwin a chance to spend some quality time in the real world.

It is not a Holiday Party. Nope. I call it a Christmas Party. If that offends you, tough. I celebrate Christmas. And last night I REALLY celebrated Christmas.

Jus' Sayin'

In the Party world, there is a thing called an ice luge. It is basically a sculpture of ice with a slide that you set on a counter and shoot (pour shots) drinks down the slide. The sucker person that is getting a shot of booze, kneels in front of the lower end of the luge and the shot shoots down the slide into their mouth. Yummy.

The first time.

And the second time.

Possibly the third time.

Mebbe the fourth time...

After that, it becomes stupid time.

(and not so yummy.)

Damn You ice luge...and those banana mint shnapps shots....

Just Another day In Paradise...

Friday, December 17, 2010

ADULTHOODNESS

this is the first draft of the first chapter of the book Adlulthoodness...i began working on this about six months ago, but ran out of  motivation...or red pills...


TRENDING NO !!!TRENDING NOOOOOO!!!!
1.Michelle Williams ( is married to Adam)
2.Rita Wilson (I got nothing)
3.Michael C. Hall (who is this?)
4.Nicole Kidman (bitch)
5.Heating oil (not just for breakfast anymore)
6.Rosario Dawson (I should know who this is, but I don’t care)
7.Jilted bride lawyers (seriously? Really? f that!)
8.GM cars ( all are being recalled)
9.North Korea (blew up in an dong missile accident…
10.Cold treatment (OJ and Chicken Noodle soup…)



The alarm rings. It is annoying. 6:00 am is a rude awakening. It is sticking your hand in the disposal and having it turn on without warning. God, I hate it when that happens. Or a chainsaw falling out of the sky and lopping off your arm. That really sucks! It is an atom bomb dropping on your lap. Well, maybe not an atom bomb, more like a hand grenade. Not the pineapple type, but those old GI Joe German style grenades.

You know the ones I am discussing.

Granted, those events rarely happen, but in the world of YouTube, all bets are off. It could happen. It makes me angry just thinking about getting out of bed. Where did cool adulthood go? Was it all just a mirage on the sands of the mundane grind? Some kind of oasis hocus-pocus?

This is not the adulthood I was sold those years ago when I was a kid. It is not what they said it would be. When Sting sung “a humiliating kick in the crotch” or very close to those lyrics, I had no idea, that he was not just being a cynic. Sting is f-ing NOSTRODAMUS. Adulthood is not what I thought it was going to be. Shame on me. Shame on you. Shame on me.

Someone killed my Peter Pan.

There are many reasons to be disillusioned with being a grown- up person. So many that I am unable to count them on all my digits. Why did it turn into a perplexing array of wrong answers, stupid questions, and deception? I know it sounds like I am just venting about the political machine, but that is only a part of the inequality of this debacle. This is not about happy. This is about confusion.

This is about a giant WTF.

However, there is always a silver lining. For every bad deal we get as adults, there is also a good deal. We just have to work a lot harder at finding the good. Or maybe not. I could just be on some way-cool mind altering substances. I could be a blissful Matrix-ite. I really don’t know. Was I supposed to take the green pills today or the red ones? I don’t remember.

Damn this adulthoodness!

Just Another Day In Paradise!!

Thursday, December 16, 2010

its thursday do you know where your mancave is?

this is a repost, because it is MCT and i have to get going soon...and basically i like this post and i am lazy...

TRENDING NO!!!TRENDING NO!!!
1.Kardashian Christmas (who cares, unless it involves shoving a festivus pole you know where)
2.Annie Lennox (grew her hair out and got a real job)
3.Alina Kabaeva (who? Don’t care)
4.Angie Harmon (did Mark get a sex change?)
5.Nicole Richie (Lionel’s wife?)
6.Hulk Hogan (bald guy long hair does not work dude…)
7.Kwame Kilpatrick (wasn’t this guy the mayor of Detroit?)
8.Oil spill lawsuit (will settle out of court…the winner? Lawyers)
9.Broadband Internet (is a great investment…just like apple)
10.Mortgage investors (do not exist)


I am writing this blog after (actually reposting before cuz i am all time travelly and all that) Mancave Thursday, (MCT) which is kind of like a bowling league, it happens every week and there is drinking involved. This week we finally completed the paper football table. Not bad, it only took us 3 or 4 months, but a Mancave success is success nonetheless. It is kind of hard to complete any project when there is a hockey game, NCAA B-ball tourney,” Kelley’s Heroes” or MMA to watch. OR the Mancave is 50 degrees. OR there are too many daddy pops imbued by the participants.

Sometimes we do get over-served…OR the team doesn’t show…

Drunken blogging 101. Step one: get drunk. Step two: start writing whatever comes into your head. Step three: make sure Norman, the spell cjheckler is on. Oops I mean spell checker. See what I mean? Step four: concentrate on what you are really trying to say. Wait a minute that is difficult for me anytime. Step five: eliminate step four.

MCT is all about the project. (And the company.) Keep it stupid, simple (and the Evil twin is born)  Just like a bowling team, all members of Mancave should attend every week. However a few misses is okay. BLOWING OFF MCT EVERY WEEK IS LAME….(Unless you live three hours away)...kind of like bumper bowling…or rolling a 299, just one lousy pin away from perfect

I know you may be wondering what exactly a paper football table is, and why on earth would anyone make one. I have made two. That makes me either twice as great or twice as stupid…you decide. I know what my answer is. A paper football table is exactly like what it sounds like it is.

It is a table to play paper football on. The one we built has lines and a goal post and a beer spot to mark the “offs”. Three off and the other guy gets to kick a field goal. I know it is all coming back to you now. You played this in study hall and in the lunch room. Remember penny hockey and penny basketball?

I would include a picture, but techtarded is my middle name, so just picture it in your head. Remember back when I started this blog, I could not even link it correctly. Thanks to Chris B for the tutorial. If it helps, a football field is green. Not the color of Cookies house, but hey his house is a shade of green. Think Spartan Green. A football field has stripes every ten yards, is 100 yards (300 feet) long by 50 yards wide, so think proportions…I know that any rendition you come up with will suffice.

Our first rendition of the paper football table was actually the run off table, for the table saw, in the “original” Mancave. One night Rich and I played a game of paper football and decided to make a paper football table. It was awesome.

No.
Strike that.

TOTALLY AWESOME!! The proportions were not quite right, but it gave us another option after our “project” for the night was done, or the game of the week was over. A game of paper football burns off about 3000 calories, so it is also healthy, however, not quite as much exercise as bowling.

Anyone that reads this blog regularly may think that I write all of my blogs in an altered state. They may think that every day is MCT. That is partially true, as the many people I am, while they have an uneasy truce, are constantly vying for the attention they so rightfully deserve. Remember I do hear voices…

It is kind of like a continual buzz. My head is like Alice in Wonderland. Well, at least the oddities that I saw in the previews for the new movie and the perception I have of the book. It is a nearly blind perception, as I have never actually read the book.

However, politicians have never lived on minimum wage, yet they think that it is possible to live that way. That parallel really does not work, Alice…okay so how about this…It is like 300 Spartans defying the odds…nope on that as well…

This blog is kind of like having me in the room with you. The difference is you can shut me up when ever you want simply by navigating away from the blog. That is what makes this interweb thingy so great, if you do not like the content, then you can simply go elsewhere. However, if we are face to face, I may follow you and keep rambling…Although I cannot imagine what other things you could do that cost so little and bring so much amusement.

And remember, we all need a little more amusement.

This seems like a lot of fun. Wwwweeeeeeee. Bruce’s blogger wild ride! Until I read the results tomorrow. Then I may feel a bit of shame, kind of like spending time in the penalty box. Probably not, as I usually do a couple dry runs and editing. Not this time! I am sending this out, hot off the presses. Roll the dice, baby see how it shakes out!!

It is amazing that I slur my words when I type and there is little difference between sober and drunken typing. I suck at both. Imagine that? I don’t feel drunk, but my fingers are. “Honestly ossifer, I am not as think as you drun’ I am.” Actually, I had only two daddy pops tonight, (talls, with a splash of coke) maybe I had three, but who’s counting. I should not have had that coca cola chaser…caffeine…

Counting your drinks is for amateurs. I am not an amateur. While I have a bit of a buzz, drunk is not a reality. Some things seem like a lot of fun when you are drunk. Then the harsh reality hits you like a 7-10 split, or a bazillion Persians. Or maybe 2 Parisians…Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, I am not too drunk to think in the circular pattern that I usually do. WTF was my point?

Oh yeah.

MCT was a success this week. We accomplished a Herculean task. We stopped watching the NCAA round ball tourney, set down our daddy pops, stopped talking smack and worked as a team. The A-Team. That’s right Nabozniak, the A-team! We did all that just long enough to assemble the final parts and pieces. The sweet smell of success!

The taste of victory!

We rolled a 300…

The perfect game.

Just another day in paradise