Eight days a week….

    Discalimer: after reding this blog you think you need to form some kind of CrazyAssedIntervention for me, you need to step back have a cold one and take this for what it is.

      I did not have a ton of road time this week, so this may have a slight twist of haste. Thinking through a blog is a lot of work. Hard work. The stars have to align, the mood must strike, and the blogmuse must send the blog to me. The blogmuse has been sending me ideas, however they have not been completely usable to the high standard that my blog should be In any event, here goes anyway.

     When one considers all the euphemisms that are used to rename the days of the week I have yet to see one that completely encompasses my third favorite pastime. I will have to rectify that situation, but it might not be pretty.

     My first favorite pastime is slacking/blogging, the second is cooking/IM2BBQ and the third is quaffing a beverage of the DaddyPop or adult beverage variety. It is the trifecta of time spending when I can accomplish all three. Now that I am mobilsaavy, I can accomplish all three…now that’s what I call multitasking… I will prolly never accomplish that 'cuz it REALLY seems like a lot of work...

Work is the end result of not finding some one else to accomplish what you want done.

    

MONDAY….

    I thought about Madcap Monday. I thought about Muddle thru Monday, but I settled on MORE BEER MONDAY. If the day is a Case of the Monday’s type of day, a couple of beers or Crown and Cokes just will not dull the savage pain of a bad Monday. Have a few MORE. Yup, it is MORE BEER MONDAY.

Any night the Tigers are on may play into your conspicuousconsumption…

TUESDAY….
     Twofer Tuesday is the first thought that probably comes to mind, however it is as overplayed as a mean Hollywood prom queen. I can do better than that. Maybe not much better but not so overplayed. Tequila Tuesday? Two kegs Tuesday? I decided that I really should not induce tequila into anyone’s week this early, so nix that idea…I decided on TRIPLE SHOT TUESDAY... drink tequila at your own risk!

The Pistons may contribute to alcohol abuse…

WEDNESDAY…

     I really hate the expression Hump Day. As a guy it does make me giggle in my mind, cuz of sexual overtones but seriously, that is not the actual intention, is it? Why not just call it horny dog day, or to rid this phrase of sexual overtones, half-way day, . Something must be done and I am just the guy to do it. I introduce to you WET YOUR WHISTLE WEDNESDAY…discretion needed, or not…you decide…

The WINGS win more than lose so many a celebration may ensue…

    

     There are really eight days a week. In the time/space continuum, there is a hidden day. I know it is there, but it is like leap year, it does not occur all the time. It only happens when there are Monday holidays involved. We’ve all been there. This explains the unnerving and perplexing what day is it? phenomenon after a three day binge weekend. This day is known as WUSSYDRINK WHAT DAY…I stay sober on this day… I hate wussydrinks…

     If you do not believe in ghosts you should start. There is one that lives in our garage. I hit the off button on Sheila every night, she goes dark and EVERY morning she is lit up and on again. I even unplug her power cord. I know what you are thinking…aliens…or your a weirdo. Not so much. And if you are thinking drunkard…resounding NO as well. GHOSTS…jus sayin’

I am sure this is a ghost. I do not remember using the camera or taking this picture. Ghosts love to be filmed. They often take pics of themselves, when you are not looking or paying attention. Fair warning to all of you…They do exist!




 THURSDAY…

     This one is so easy even a kindergartner could figure this out. I know it is also Mancave Thursday for some of us, and that ties in nicely with the event. I We will now refer to this day as THIRSTY THURSDAY.

Any night that is a guy’s night deserves the proper imbibery… Ladies nights as well...

FRIDAY…
    There is only one choice. FREE BEER FRIDAY. There were a few rules to this particular day. Way back during the nieghborstaupo days at the Three Mile Island (thanks CB)/ Forrest Hills house, I attempted a simple gathering of the beer drinking brethren. The concept was simple:

1. Bring some beer (each participant brings 3-6 beers)
2. Make it f-ing good beer (no Natty, MGD, Buttlite or such)
3. Put it in a cooler.
4. Drink the other guys beer, not your own.
5. You did not buy it hence it is free (to You)
     This GREAT idea in theory meant the guys would sit/stand around talking trash and drinking beer and the ladies could join as well, if they brought beer to participate could sit around and drink wine on the deck/ porch. Talking up or down, their particular man. It never took off. Not for lack of trying.FREE BEER FRIDAY… it is not for everyone…

Tip ‘em back, and have a good time…

SATURDAY…

     How do you follow up a great name like Friday’s new moniker? Follow it up with more genius. Hence, the new name for Saturday is SUCK ‘EM DOWN SATURDAY. No driving, when you’re drinking… Nothing more need be said…

Drinking until puking is NOT allowed…that kind of drinking is for amateurs…

SUNDAY…

     After your communion wine, which I have heard is no longer REAL wine, because of certain alcohol related issues; it really is time to slow down. Gotta have a day of rest. Can’t get blotto every day. Slow down on SLOW DOWN SUNDAY…unless an IM2BBQ just happens to present itself. Still moderation is the key to life…lets try to keep it safe…I suggest you stick with wine…and limit the number…Do what you do…but do it responsibly…unless you are watching read: napping the Lions…

Randomness from a fractured reality…

Readers poll on a subject to be written on a future Blog. Deadline for entries is Aug 10, 2010, I will write the blog while I am on my fishing/slacking Vacation in Minnesota…I will give credit to the winner. Winner will be chosen by random drawing. Eligibility for drawing simply leave a comment include you name *JIM* here are some ideas for you to pick from. Your own are welcome as well…

     I cleaned out my Mind’s Eye Imaging Device this weekend. I was amazed at the stuff that was in there. Tucker chewed the mind meld cable a bit so the picture quality is a bit sketchy. I tried to edit it with photo shop, but then remembered I do not have that program.

     The best of these pics only usable was a truck with a tree at the Breton Village D & W…

 I guess that the person driving the truck imagines themselves to be pretty green…I think I hate them…

I had a bunch of ideas floating around for bloggingness, but they all where so random that I thought there was nothing better to do with them but put together a blog of random thoughts… I hate it when a bloggering idea is stillborn…

The front seat of my truck is merely a place to set files and PM books and other office paraphernalia. Unless I am taking the TuckMonster to some random destination or the lake there is really no where to sit but on my lap. That can kind of impede my driving so that is not gonna fly… Back when I lived in the van a removed the passenger seat and built a storage bench and it became known as the Busker bench.

     If I am not working it is a Tucker Seat. Sticks, rope, toys, balls, and whatever else he carries back to the truck that he picks up when I am not looking, are all part of the Tucker seat. Oh yeah and dog hair...lots of dog hair....

     Cup holders are merely places to store stuff until you need to put a drink in there. Then you have to find new places to put that stuff so the drink does not spill. Crotching the drink is usually a better option unless it is Mc Donald’s coffee. That stuff is too hot. And that greedy idiot that spilled coffee on herself all those years ago kinds ruined the LawsuitFreeLunch  for the rest of us…Jus’ sayin’

     So let me ask you this…When you are driving do you ever pull out in front of someone just to see if they will stop. Hey, they ARE gonna slow down, stop, OR NOT…It is kinda like a bizarre game of RoadRageRoulette. So far they all have stopped, but I will eventually find someone crazier than I am, or paying even less attention than a deaf guy with a bullhorn next to his ear. They will probably be texting, but be the kid of some local prostitican and get a free pass, while they find a way to send the used-to-be-long hair to jail.

     Beer can be cooled to the proper drinking temperature in 10 minutes in the proper ice bath. I have done extensive research on this particular subject and the perfect ratio is 12 cubes to every 3.47 ounces of cool tap water. The control group used EGR tap water, and it comes from the tap a frigid 57.86 degrees Fahrenheit. The ice cubes were standard issue circa 1980 ice-machine variety.

     The older I get the more I find distaste for young parents and their ill-conceived cretins. It seems that parenting is a lost art. I blame psychologists and that Dr. Spock guy. And that is why I do not trust anyone with pointy ears.

     I have killed a lot of plants in my day. Most were unintentional. Who needs moisture meters? A pinky works just fine. Eyes work fine as well. If the dirt is hard and the plant is all brown and shit, it probably needed water. It is probably too late. As a side bar, I have been involved in owing a landscaping as a business twice. Hence, the reason I am in Carpentry now. The plants (read: trees) I touch now are dead by the time I touch them.

     Day five with a smart phone and the training is not going well. It has sit and stay down pat, but I cannot seem to get it to make toast, coffee, or for the love of God a good Benedict sauce. (Try the Cherie Inn; they have a great Benedict Sauce). It is not very good at fetching either. Maybe I will try to not have it fetch around water next time, as phone and water are a bad combination, but I am not very hopeful. someone needs to invent an underwater cell phone. Hey, they already have watches that can do that.. 

     And, for some reason my phone has yet to learn to tell me that I missed a call. Don’t even get me started on reading the instructions. First, I do not EVER read instructions and "B", the book is all f’d up anyway. It seems like I only got the Spanish version…

     And WTF is up with having to enter a PIN number (Don’t you hate when some mouth breather calls it a pin number…) I gotta say that is like the most Absofuckinglutely dipshitacular idea ever.

     Jim Rome is back from a two week vacation. I did not miss him. A few days ago he was talking about a MMA (mixed Martial Arts) cage bed for kids. I find this idea disturbing. Most likely ‘cuz I simply find Jim Rome to be second only to the Hugeicrite in annoyingassity. But hey, it takes a lot of idiots to make me look not quite so stupid... 

     And I guess there is an adult version of this bed. He talked about bringing a girl back to his crib…yes, he said crib…overplayed like any American Idol winners first song…and showing her the MMA cage bed… He dropped this line…”Hey babe, this is where the magic happens.” Thank God I had an empty stomach, because I would have lost a couple gas station hotdogs fer shure…

http://www.wermma.com/kids-throwdown-cage-bed.html

OMG! It really does exist!!!

    

There ought to be a law against EVER saying this is where the magic happens…men everywhere should be appalled. If you say something as lame as that, you are probably saying it to a picture of a girl on a porn site.Not that I have ever seen such a thing, but I have heard that porn sites do exist…

     Deck designs 101…make the railing a good place for setting a DaddyPop. (Courtesy M. Jetzer) these three pics below are here to assist and may help you to figure this out to your advantage. If your railing is non-conducive to DaddyPop setting, serious remodeling should occur.

ev'rybody have fun tonight!!

ev'rbody wang chug chung tonight!

And in closing, I heard this gem today. Babies stay free at Super 8 motel…SERIOUSLY??? Yup!  You mean there are hotels that charge extra for Babies? Really? Now I can die in peace, knowing that at least at the Super 8 motel, my babies are welcome.

    

Good and smart…

     So, I can finally do all the things that I ever wanted to from my phone. Well, not so much. I can barely text with it and god knows what kind of juxtapositions is required to actually place a call. I have had this smart phone for about 60 hours. I have received about 4 calls. Usually I get around fifty calls per day. Well, who knows, I am really not very important, but my phone seems to ring a lot. I just pulled the number outamyass from You-Know-Where.

     Technology is moving quite fast. Somewhere in the supersonic age we have seemed to substitute smart for good. My GPS, Game Plan Sucks Sheila, while a good invention, is not very smart. She does not learn that I will get lost, or decide after a couple of trips to a particular destination that I have found a better way to go. Better for me, is not the same as most people, cuz I still rely on landmarks and other keys EVEN with a GPS…good does not equal smart.

     There is a difference between smart and good. Ideas are no different. A smart idea is not always good idea. Firstly, smart and good while a like in many ways, are spelled TOTALLY different than each other. nmathematically they are VERY different. I have done the hard math for you. It is very complicated, but I will break it down for you.

     Okay. There it is. Easy for cheesy, and it is OBVIOUS the two do not equal each other. But for you genius rocket science level math wiz’s, you may try to refute my findings. Good luck. It is published on the interweb thingy, so it must be true…I published it first...Jus Sayin’

     I have often wondered where the boat is when you see a truck and boat trailer on the side of the road. The SMART money is probably on the fact that the boat is in the water, somewhere and they are just bringing the trailer back to store it. It would NOT be GOOD if they had lost it and just now decided to look in the rear view and noticed the boat went missing. Not so SMART either...

     Why is it that there is ALWAYS a bag of trash in the McDonalds parking lot, from some jackass that just finished a meal in the car? It is not like there are not 15000 trash cans at a typical Mickey D’s…Not GOOD and NOT SMART! And what is up with seeing one shoe on the side of the road? Are there really that many one legged people throwing the other one away?

     I really question the whole idea of a pair of undies on the side of the road. Very scary. Hey, I get the whole idea of free-ball-Fridays, but seriously. That many people going commando is not a GOOD thing. And for some it is not very SMART either…

     I am also sick of anything that says it is GREEN! When something gets overplayed just like EVERY f-ing DOORS song ever written and that ridiculous Afternoon Delight song from our misguided youth, it gets tiresome. BTW, Mo Jo, fire should not be rhymed with fire… Pyre and fire okay, but fire rhymed with fire = stupiditiness.

     Hey, do not get me wrong, we should be more environmentally responsible, but really? So many green things YET so little GOOD and SMART. The ridonkulousity of this trey chic catch phrase marketing is the “Where’s the Beef?” of this decade…

     And just so you know here are some things that are not GOOD it they are green:

• Teeth
• Food that the primary color is not green
• That container of some kind of science experiment left in the ‘fridge for god knows how long
• Avocado appliances. For some reason they are making a comeback. But I guess it is better than harvest gold…
• Snot.
• Blobs in your new bucket of drywall mud
• Those oopsmissedthemouth fries under the seat of the truck
• Beer when it is not St. Patty’s Day
• Apples that Tucker likes to pick up on our morning walks.
• Jeans. (Apologies to Kaptain. Kangaroo, but seriously)
• Tomatoes, fried or otherwise
• Tea
• Skin see your doctor
• Ham (eggs are okay, but green ham…not good)

     So, anyway, I got a smart phone. I was wondering just how smart it is.

     I asked it some questions. I got not so many answers. The other day I was washing off a driveway. I had some diluted muratic acid to clean some rust and stuff off the slab. I needed to get about fifteen more feet than I had linkable hose. I asked my phone what to do. I got NOTHING! Zero. Zip. Nadda. Thankfully, I AM smart S-M-R-T! d’oh…Gratuitous Homer reference!

I got no replies. It sat there and looked like a phone.

BTW, both of the hoses were colored green.

 As this awesome Mind's eye shot depicts, (above) I figured it out, making me smarter than the average smart phone, gooder than a Catholic Priest, Greener than the biggest tree hugger, and pretty much Mr. The Genius! (Thanks to Billy H for that phrase!)

     I am learning that my smart phone is NOT VERY smart. It is kinda good. But not very smart. It DOES NOT have the ability to do what I want, when I want. The case could be made that I have to LEARN how to use it, but don’t you think that is kind of anti-smart? If it were so smart, it would learn how to be like me…Jus sayin’…Hey, the phone is kinda good. It ain’t very smart, but smart and good is not the same thing…