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Thursday, June 3, 2010

Round trip…

     Today I drove in a very large circle. More like a two-year-olds rendition of a circle. It was, however, a round trip. Not the usual large circle like in a parking lot. Driving in circles makes me queasy. Except when I am spinning donuts. That is fun! If I get queasy I get sick, and puke. My truck is a Puke Free Smoke Friendly vehicle. At least most of the time.
     Not the, “Who’s driving this car, Stevie wonder?” circle either. (quote from the movie *Die Hard*,) I went almost 200 miles and had a ton of time to ponder the complexities of our modern world. Well, that is when I wasn’t texting or taking little notes for this blog, or searching for a radio station, or talking on the phone and searching for people to call. Thank God I did not have any lip-gloss left or I might not be here to relate this little story…Oh, yeah, and I did happen to work a bit as well...
      It is good to see our federal tax dollars hard at work. If putting people back to work means setting up Orange Cone Zones, then the economy is booming. Interestingly enough cones are circular…hmmm…
      If I were not working I would try to get one of those jobs. I think I am qualified to be a *shovel leaner*. I might be good at holding the stop/slow sign, so *sign holder* would be cool… I know I could be the cigarette *smoker*… I could probably be the *bossy* guy that drives around bossing all the shovel leaners, smokers, and sign holders around, since one of my nicknames is Brucellini… I think he also get so smoke a lot ocigarettes (and kill some bad guys) I can do that !

     The picture at right was taken by the new app on my camera phone called the *Google satellite OCZ imager.* I downloaded it for $19.95, plus applicable taxes, surcharges, and fees. It will probably come out to about $59.99 after all the fees and such. But it is worth it.
     It is amazing that there is almost as much road deconstruction OCZ’s on my route, than clear roads. Which translates to about 7000 displaced factory workers off one government dole, *Unenjoyment*, and on to another *Get America Working Keep ‘em on Every Road* or GAWKER. If you were ever wondering why the traffic slows down in these stretches, it is because of GAWKER’S stares. I know you might have thought like I used to think that it was because, invariably some jackassery of superslowass driving was going but I never really knew why. Now we know.GAWKERS stares. Jus'sayin'

    After driving for what felt like around three days and three nights I saw this interesting truck. I took a break from my texting and lip-gloss, just long enough to snap this pic with my camera phone. I swear it was *Flintstone* powered. Sorry about the quality, I had to swerve to miss a couple *shovel leaners* and a couple *smokers*, while trying to find the cherry that fell off the cigarette that I was smoking. FYI, leg hair smells as bad as head hair when it is ignited, and burning of rip-stop shorts only adds to the bouquet!
        Finally, when I was back in radio range for 107.3,*the ball*, I tuned into the Huge show. I do not like Huge, he is a moronic microphone licker. He does talk about local sports if you can get pass the gas he spews that he considers Huge Opinions. He is a Hugeicrite. He is a blow hard of huge proportions that changes his tune so many times that I really cannot remember what he is ranting about. He makes my head hurt and spin like Linda Blair.
     One minute he is bashing Brandon Inge and then the next he is interviewing him. One minute he is bashing the Lions (easy to do) and Jim Shwartz and the next he is sucking up to him on a phone interview. Out his ass and then up their ass, or as I like to call it, Circluar Assism.     
     Oh yeah, He was ranting about Galaragga’s *no hitter*. Well, actually, blown no hitter. The umpire, and I can’t remember his name, although I only heard it like 10,000 times today, (9999 by Hugeicrite, in  a 90 second span) blew the call.
     After about three minutes, of Hugeicrite and his Circular Assism, I threw up in my mouth a little. I then changed the station to some easy listening station, and threw up  in my mouth a lot. But no spew hit the cloth, my clothes, or dashboard. Thank God.
     Round Trip. I drove in a large circle. Round Trip. I ended were I started. I still feel a little dizzy, but I washed the foul taste of spew out with (Oh and BTW...Thanks Jack and A-bomb!) a beer…
Just another day in paradise

Monday, May 31, 2010

The reality barometer

 Some of my blogs have a twist that life is negatively, albeit nothing deadly, influenced by others actions. I am mostly upbeat and jovial about the subject matter for the sake of entertainment. Being today is a holiday; I could have easily done what many journalists do and re-run a previous blog. I choose not to…
     Some days I contemplate the brevity of life. I spend too much time contemplating, whereas I should be living. The mortal span of our existence is short compared to say the universe, but very long compared to a TSE-TSE fly. However, some days while I am plowing the thoughts in my field of dreams, I dwell far too much on the negative. Some days I think we should all be Soylent Green….

BTW  in case you did not catch that...Soylent Green is People…
     Sometimes when the days are darkest there are things that happen that make the bad seem not so bad, and the world seems to be less out of control than it was just seconds before. I call this the reality barometer. I should really check it more frequently. I think my phone has an app for this…oh wait I have AT&T, so it really does not matter, app or not, it will only work occasionally, so I guess I can just go back to the feeling I get from the nylon implant around my left eye. (Seriously, detached retina, many years ago, so they banded it and I can still see)
     Most days I think customer service is a script, and simple acts of kindness are dinoesque…but that is why there is a reality barometer. Exceptional acts and small acts of kindness set it off…
     Today, as I was in the process of celebrating a Monday holiday, I decided to go to the store. It was time to empty my world of returnable bottles and cans. Holiday trips to the store are usually a horrendous, haphazard array of bad events. I actually had some surprising positive experiences. I thought the reality barometer was simply the humidity. Sometimes I ignore the reality barometer, maybe because of the voices and all…
     The first thing that happened that was surprising was when I pulled off the street into the confusion of the Breton Village parking lot, or as I usually think of it, the demolition derby. I usually have to be on double Spidey sense to avoid a catastrophic collision with many of the non-driving types of operators in the parking lot. You know how it is, the motto of the parking lot, which by the way was stolen by Outback Restaurants, “No Rules, Just Right.” Someone actually yielded the right of way, instead of firing a shot across my bow. (thank god i had my trusty picture phone.... and I can dazzle you with my photgenic, er i mean photgraphic abilities....)

    The next thing that happened was I returned my change at the Coinstar machine. It cost me a couple bucks, but seriously, counting all that change? That would seriously encroach on my nap time. I finished and headed to the bottle return, where it seemed that everyone in the western hemisphere had decided to return the bottles and cans from the party weekend.
     As I was contemplating the next three hours of my life waiting for a machine to open up a young girl asked me if I was just at the Coinstar machine. I replied that I was. She then holds up a penny, and tells me I left it there. Wow, honesty for a penny? I could have swore I heard the *Twilight Zone* theme off in the distance. I pinched myself and said, “You can keep it, and if I had some more I would give it to you for being honest.” BTW, it was a Canadian penny, and I think due to the rate of exchange and all that it is worth slightly more than a penny, or maybe slightly less, but whose counting? I should not ignore the reality barometer.
     Then the guy that had three carts (no lie) filled with bottles, all neatly stuffed into the 24 pack containers, said I could go ahead of him. As he had the rest of these and I only had a few. Seriously? Have I died and gone to heaven? I tapped the reality barometer a couple more times…”Is this thing on?” I muttered.
     As I wove thru the chaos that is the *afterthought* bottle return area in the Breton Village D&W, the guy on the only glass machine said, “Go ahead, I am waiting for my wife to finish the plastics, I can help her.” As I was returning all the glass I found one plastic bottle, I gave it to the guy and said, “It ain’t much but thanks…”
     When I went to get my cash from bottles and Coinstar, I went thru the self check lane. The self checkout watchdog came over and said, “you cannot just get refunds, or Coinstar here.” I was ready for the bad news. I paused. I waited. “wait for it…wait for it…"I thought. Then the cashier watchdog said, (wait for it) "Oh, but I can help you right over here.” Check your drawers, she said what? She could help me right over here… the reality barometer.
     The world is filled with stupid people, and some should be Soylent Green…Come to think of it what is REALLY in those gas station hot dogs?  Every now and then I glance at the reality barometer and see there is still a lot of good in the human race. There are still a lot of decent people, doing the right thing. I try to be one of them. We should all polish up the reality barometer and try to be one of them.
Just another day in paradise