I heard a rumor and I could not care less…

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TUCKMONSTER!!! remember how small he was?

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   I have heard a rumor that I am a bit paranoid. Mebbe. I prefer to call it ProactivePontentialityPreparednessProtocol…Those of you that are not Following PPPP are being lead like lambs to slaughter by the man and his attempt to keep you down…but then again it is a rumor. It could be true but mebbe it is not and I couldn’t care less…

      I have heard a rumor that I may be preachy. I prefer to call it PontificatingPointedness. I may be opinionated. I prefer to call it insightful. I heard a rumor that I may be stupid say or do stupid things and/or may not *gasp* be funny. I prefer to call it HighbrowHumor…

     I have heard a rumor that I am a shameless self-promoter. Accepted and I stand accused...ya gotta stand for something...puppies/trees/pink things/whatever...If I had a million dollars I would not need to ask for help to save puppies I would do it on my own...and as BNL says, "I'd be rich!" 

     I can live with all of those insults and many more but the not funny part. Well, actually I couldn’t care less if you think I am not funny. It is your inability to read between the lines or your uneducatedness that makes me not funny…oh and I know you KNOW who you are…I know where you live, and if you move I will find you and…just kidding…it is a rumor after all… (This is not pointed at ANYONE…it is just page filler…oh damn, I AM paranoid…and not very funny)

     I have heard a rumor that they made a movie about Secretariat. Oh PUL-EEEEEAZE. Did the Hollywood braintrust all go on vacation? Isn’t there a 70’s era toy like Rock ‘em Sock ‘em Robots that is just begging for a shot at retro-glory? And what about Barbie…GI Joe had a movie…I heard a rumor that Barbie’s the last six or so bo-tox injections and 15 face lifts are simply not enough to hide the years but they did offer the part to Liz Taylor…and you know what…I couldn’t care less…

     WTF!?!? Is there an ecstasy, pot, acid, and/or ‘shroom shortage in La-La land? There is not an obscure former 90 second Saturday Night Live skit waiting for re-birth as a 90 minute piece of tripe? There is not a new Freddy Krueger and or Friday the 13th prequel/sequel/re-do…How about a vampire movie, oh wait, OVERDONE, or what about a Frankenstein adaptation?

     Seriously? Secretariat? The Horse? It will be released soon. It may be a great movie. I will never know cuz I will never see it. Why? I couldn’t care less AND I know how it ends, so what is the point? Plus, come on, seriously? A movie about a horse. Been there. Done that. Remember Black Beauty? And Ol’ Yeller?

     I know Ol’ yeller was a dog, but he died in the end. And so does the horse. The end of all of our movies is the same…We all die…not trying to dwell on it…jus sayin…

    I have heard a rumor that the movie boasts that Secretariat is the greatest athlete of all time. Riiight… He was a great race horse, but great athletes, let alone the greatest, can do more than just run around a track. Ok let’s be correct; run around a track with a small person on its back…my dictionary definition of athlete includes the word human somewhere in it. Is the TuckMonster a great athlete? Hardly, but he is fast and he can swim and fetch...

      And guess what? An Iron Horse can go faster than a flesh horse.Without a Jockey riding the horse I bet the race just kinda lollygags around never really ending, cuz the horses just stop running. I do not know that for a fact but if it were not True, why even have jockeys? To give small people jobs? The previous statment may be wrong...Wrong on many levels, and no offense cuz I am an under tall person myself, but I bet I could prolly stuff most of the world's jockeys on the b-ball court…

     Then again I have seen my ability to play b-ball and I retract that statement. I am, however, too tall to be a jockey. And I am woefully out of shape. I would say that the training regimen for a jockey does not include eating bacon and gas station hotdogs…it may also include a bit of stretching and quite possibly some aerobics. I really do not know and quite honestly couldn’t care less…

    Don’t you hate it when someone says, “I could care less” yes you could care less, but if you do not care the proper term is I couldn’t care less…jus’ sayin’

     Saying a horse is the world’s greatest athlete is like saying the set of clubs that Eldrick uses are the world’s greatest athlete. Or the car that Jeff Gordon drives is the greatest athlete. Or the rod and reel that Bill Dance uses is the greatest athlete…without the jockey, Secretariat is just a fast horse with out Eldrick, the clubs could be in my garage and i bet my wife would have hit me with them more than once…without Jeff, the car could be my truck and the rod and reel could be in my non-running boat with or without Bill Dance…

     The things they think are important/ entertaining enough to make a movie about are truly baffling…this is a movie in which I couldn’t care less. I will not even wait for the DVD…The argument could be made that without seeing it you could never really make an informed opinion. Some prostiticans (and you know which way I lean) are famous for making informed opinions without the burden of knowledge or facts...and therefore I rest my case…three thumbs down…

    Some things that are really important are the greatest movies about sports ever made. Brian’s Song, Remember the Titans, We are Marshall, the Longest Yard, Jerry Maguire, Hoosiers, The Blind Side, Paper Lion…just a few so really the list goes on…

     I know I have an interesting spin on our crazy world. I know I am alive. The rest of it is just life. Good bad or indifferent, I attempt to make it fun. I attempt to make it funny. I attempt to look at it half full, with a watchful eye on the crazyasses that would attempt to take it all away, with plans, schemes, and subterfuge, and mind numbingly unimportant movies about stuff that I couldn’t care less about... I couldn’t care less…because…

I am alive and It truly is…

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Five minutes to change your life…

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    I was driving to my mom’s house today to check out what was wrong with her toilet. The description she gives me leads me to believe that there is an obstruction in the beast. As most of you know (and if you did not know, you will know now) the waste line that leaves the toilet from the flange down is larger than the trap part of the toilet. Why is it that engineering disasters has never addressed this fact? The bowl is big, much bigger than the trap and the trap is usually a 2 inch diameter pipe in the porcelain and then the DWV line is usually 3 or 4 inches. Seems like a pretty easy catch...from big to small to big again...a recipe for disaster...

     Altogether now, can we all say BOTTLENECK??? There are bottlenecks everywhere. And the most common place for bottlenecks, other than the toilet or any plumbing setting, is on the road. The CollisiveForce Principle plainly states Two road riding/raging objects cannot occupy the same space at the same time. As the traffic lanes decrease the amount of chance to experience the CollisiveForce Principle goes up exponentially.

     As I am driving with my buddy the TuckMonster, I see a car coming up on my right…at a high rate of closure…The TuckMonster leans over and says to me, “Comin’ in hot!” maybe he did not really say that, but he did look over at me and stick his tongue out and go “Huh, Huh, Huh, Huh, Huh, Huh.” This proves yet again that it is not what you say but what they hear that is truly important. Then he licked my face…

     We are in the lane that goes straight and the lane to the right is for right-turns only. There is a sign ahead that says very loudly in caution yellow that the road narrows and the lane ends. I am in the slow moving line and accelerating as I see the red tail lights flash in sequence. Why did the light flash? BOTTLENECK!!!

     The car whips by me and the ten cars ahead of me, anticipating the green, guns it and whips in front of the line of cars that are already in motion in the lane to go straight. I instinctively whip my arm out in a protective fashion in preparation of major impact in an effort to protect the TuckMonster. Pretty much a dumb thing because he is heavy enough to cause the air-bag to go off and would prolly be okay in a five mile per hour collision…

     I can only hope the JackassDriver that committed that ridstupidous move had a life or death situation, to put other’s lives in jeopardy. Actually, I hope for nothing bad to come to anyone, I hope the LessThan five minutes that they saved, was used to some life-changing end…we all know it was not. We all know it was just someone that thought they were more important than the next guy… Jus' sayin'...

     I get to my mother’s house and the she maintains that the toilet does not flush or some such nonsense. I flush it and plop the plunger a couple times. There is not a thing wrong with it…As I am leaving I say, “If you want to have over for a cup o’ Joe, Ma, just ask me to come for coffee…” she smiles and I give her a hug…and the TuckMonster I do get to spend five minutes with my mom. Five minute that change my life…

      Five minutes I will never regret, because she will be gone from life far too early for my liking…five minutes that can change my life…what if I did not go to see her and something happened? It is kinda negative thinking. But with the events of the past week it is a realism that I must accept. We all die. And not when it is convenient or when we have had a proper time to say goodbye to our loved ones. Take those five minutes, with your loved ones, at any chance you can.

     It turns out there was less wrong with her toilet than the time I drove over to check out the lack of hot water in her house…My nephew was staying with her and he takes a shower and the water is not hot. I ask her if anyone took a shower before he took one. She replies that no one took a shower.

     I get there and turn on the hot water and it is hot…I mean HOT! Not just luke-warm, not kinda hot, but burn-your-fingers-and toes hot! Did you run the dishwasher or have the washing machine going? Turns out she had done a load of laundry. Just before the shower… TADA!!! “The hot water heater is not on demand, mom. It takes time to re-heat when someone takes a shower.” I give her a hug and sit down for a cup o’ Joe…

     Five minutes worth of skillful questioning would have changed my life. Sometimes the change is not as positive. Again I got to see my mom, to fix something that was not broken. I could look at the negative, of driving to fix nothing, but I look at the positive of seeing my mom…

     We are all in a ridstupidous hurry at some time or other. We all have some near misses. We all have times that we come very close to experiencing BOTTLENECKS that can cause CollisiveForce Principle. It is okay to speed past that slowass driver. So next time you are running late, and are figuring that it is okay to run that yellow light. Remember someone else may be in the same situation. And if there five minutes and you five minute collide it will change your life… It takes five minutes. To change your life. you will not regret it...Seriously.

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If not this it would be something else…

      My last entry to the blog-o-sphere was a bit depressing and the week has been filled with ups and downs. Those of us that know Mike have been riding the VoHovator...It is up one minute down the next. Actually, it is a much slower PendulumishProgression but it sure feels that way when you are living it. But If Not This It Would Be Something Else… (henceforth: INTIWBSE)

     Daily struggles. We all have them. But INTIWBSE!!!!

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     This mind-meld picture just made me laugh…

     Now mind you this girl was cute, much cuter than the mind-meld camera captured, but seriously? Advertising you HC Queendom in a car…and a Gremlin at that? SERIOUSLY? Oh yeah it is Homecoming week in many places. One more reason to be thankful that I have graduated and sorta matured…Who's wit me? (i know i wrote wit) 

     Having spent a bit of time this week in a hospital, I realized that hospitals are very Un-Green. It is consumerism in the 10th degree. Not only is a hospital full of bio-hazards and germs, it is a constant stream of debris and disposables.

     It is AMAZING that more people do not get sick when they spend time there. I know the doctors and nurses and support staffers are prolly fairly germ-conscience, but the teaming mass of All-Walks-Of-Life and Cleanliness-Factors is mind-bending-Malignancy in a can. The downfall of civilization will prolly be sparked by the germ-warfare that is a hospital…

     The fact is that your life changes immeasurably and in many ways when a close friend or family has a terrible accident… not as much as the victim, but change none-the-less…and as a member of the human race, we fear change….as an added bonus you exposed to an overdose of germiness and are surrounded by a ton of depression and death… INTIWBSE

     I have not had much time to search out my BloggerMuse and the moon has not been full or mebbe it has but I am very out of it…Typically the full moon is a very creative time for me. But …INTIWBSE…

     Wow INTIWBSE looks eerily similar to INTERWEB…there may be a connection…Jus’ Sayin’…

     I have said before I am a vampire, but I am also a Were-Blogger…good things usually come to me during a full moon…IDK…I have noticed that my eyebrows have a couple weird-ass long dark hairs protruding from them. Very Were-ish…Years ago when I shaved my left eyebrow, like Bob Geldorf’s character in Pink Floyd, The Wall, no one noticed. My eyebrows are nearly transparent. Except for the errant two hairs…they just keep coming back…I cut them off, they re-appear but INTIWBSE …if that does not say were-blogger, i do not know what does...

    This ArtPrize thingy going on in Downtown GR is a hoot…OR NOT…Actually, I would not know first hand, cuz I do not like crowds and hate driving in the metro area, so I avoid it at all costs. Unfortunately, I was driving to the hospital to see VoHo and got caught in a traffic jam. It only took me about 20 minutes to drive three blocks. And I saw a couple of fire trucks…since VoHo’s accident; I get a Gut-Grumbler every time a see one…

    There were a million people milling around. I saw enough to know that you could not get me to go down there for THE MILLION in change on the streets. Ok, mebbe I would go sown there for that, but seriously, not for much less. What a clusterfuk-fukeroo…

     I did see a bunch of people crossing the street and not at the crosswalks, and fortunately for them, none of them flipped me off, because I do not need a trip to the jailhouse… by the time I navigated the gawkers traffic jam I was a millisecond from coming unglued, but that is really not much different than any other day when I am driving in the downtown area…usually I do not have to contend with the Art-Prize Idiot Squad,  but INTIWBSE

     It has been an up and down week and the highs have been very high, like when VoHo sorta smiled at me moved his arms and all that…but the lows have been very low…the prognosis for VoHo is not good…he is still alive…high five!! He will have some paralysis, most likely from the neck down…I guess I am jumping the gun, but the visit on Friday was a major bummer… INTIWBSE

     We celebrated the first MCT of the year and it was good…free (to us) Crown Royal for everyone…a plus…did a small project and talked a bit o the talk and then backed it up with a bit o the walk…cuz that’s how we roll in the MCT crowd…The TuckMonster took a dump in the ManCave…hey jackass, no shitting in the MC…a bummer…yes he is still a puppy, but… INTIWBSE …SERIOUSLY? What else could he do that is worse than dropping a deuce in the MC? lots of things like chewing thru the power cord on the tablesaw, but who's counting?

     I have been dreaming a lot of weird stuff lately. I think it may have to do with the fact that I have cut back on the booze…it could be the meds I am taking.It is prolly something i picked up at the hospital... It could be a lot of things but INTIWBSE…

     A couple nights ago I dreamt of a house that had a bathroom with four showers. Four separate showers. In ONE bathroom!!! Very odd. One of the showers in this 4 shower bathroom had a urinal built in the shower. In the dream I thought that this was kinda cool. When I did the DreamPostMortum, when you try to figure out WTF the dream meant, I thought what’s the point?

     When you fire up most showers, the time to wait for the proper temperature is known as Water-Down-Time (WTD)...cuz the water just goes down the drain, right? a natural part of taking a shower... If I somehow forget to pee before I get in the shower, although the running water is a natural piss-inducer, I am going to piss while in the shower, which i call inshowero pissing. I mean I am already naked (fighting visual) Inshowero pissing is a GreenAction. If you are Green enough to have a 1.6 flusher then you are saving 1.6 gallons by draining the lizard inshowero. I am saving more cuz my toilet uses about 30 gallons per flush and most times I have to DoubleFlush...very Un-Green...    

      I know most of you guys have prolly done the inshowero piss. Some of the women have prolly done this as well. …   The waste water all goes to the same sewer line. This GreenAction saves water and not just by eliminating a flush, it also saves the WTD, waiting for the shower to re-get to the proper temperature to make your re-entrance, . If you exit the shower and leave the water running that is VeryUnGreen…there goes the 1.6 you could have saved...Jus' Sayin'.... 

    Okay, so you could shut down the shower and exit. Do the urine-drop and reset the whole process. That does not seem very green.  It seems very UnGreen. but this is "Merica...whatever.. peein' in the shower is my new green effort!!! just doin' my part for the future generations of this planet!!!

  TANGENT ALERT!!!TANGENT ALERT!!!

     This week I discovered a new dip for tortilla chips cuz I am special like that. My wife recently made about 20 jars of salsa. Good salsa cost around $4.00 in the grocery store. That means we have about $80.00 worth of good salsa. And this salsa rocks. It is not too hot, but it has great flavor, and a couple shakes of Tabasco in it kicks it up to speed…I am sure she used about $100.00 worth of veggies to make it but hey INTIWBSE…

     Oh yeah, I was talking about the new dip.

1 cup of small curd cottage cheese (and not that low fat stuff. the low fat stuff tastes like eating a wet sweat sock. Don’t ask me how I know, I just do)

2 scooops of my wife's homade home-made salsa (no, i did not mean 'ho made)

3 shakes of Tabasco (not red-hot, not anything but Tabasco)

A dash of coarse ground Black pepper (WTF is a dash? you figure that out. i can only do so much for you) 

A dash of garlicsalt-pepper mix (no substitutions, please)

Stir (not shanken) and eat with chips…

     THANK YOU FOR THE WELL WISHES, PRAYERS, AND THOUGHTS THIS PAST WEEK!!!

      The world is full of ups and downs, crisis’s, and zenith’s AND we all have our our version of the VoHovator...but INTIWBSE…I saw the other day that K-mart is Re-introducing Lay-away…trey cool.
I have decided to put my bad news on a layaway plan.  Henceforth I too will put my troubles on lay-away…I will only withdraw a bit-o-trouble at a time. If too many bad things happen at once I will ignore the most of it, get drunk and go to sleep perchance to dream something even more f-d up than the 4 shower dream. INTIWBSE Or something like that. I refuse to be depressed cuz… INTIWBSE….

     AND IT IS… 

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