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Friday, March 12, 2010

i hear voices...

     I would not say that I have multiple personalities. Multiple personalities are, most times, a bad thing. I am going to say that I do have a lot of voices in my head. These voices sometimes lead me into trouble, but not like the neighbors’ dog telling me to go kill someone, which would be very bad. Just sayin’ I ain’t no serial killer…
     All great comedians have a bunch of voices in their heads. I am not saying I am a great comedian, but I do have a lot of voices in my head. I will not bore you with all of the voices, just a small sampling of my favorites.
     In the morning there is Mr. Bedhead voice. This voice loves to think that you can shower, shave, get dressed, make coffee, feed the dog, start the car, and let the dog out, load the truck and leave in about 3.8 minutes. This voice tells me it is quite ok to hit the snooze again. And again….and again…and again…
      As I am driving to the gas station to load up on caffeine and nicotine, ( the ines food group) because Mr. Bedhead voice was quite wrong about many things including the coffee, the GD could you take that turn ANY slower voice of Mr. Road Rage tries his hand at controlling my grey matter. Amazingly, he is not very active at this time of the day and as I have aged he has become less and less talkative.
      Upon entering the gas station, the voice of damn I am hungry, Mr. Stomach alarm starts to bather incessantly about how long ago he was fed. “Daaaaaamn! Those gas station hot dogs left over from yesterday look MIGHTY tasty. No wonder I was tagged as “the fatty.” Mr. Sensibility voice takes over and quells the banter. I get the business of obtaining the ines and roll on.
      The day is filled with all the voices. Windshield time gives them all an audience. I do, however, control the mute button. But if I cannot find the remote, that is a problem. It is usually stuck between the seats of the truck and buried by stale french-fries and McDouble wrappers.
      The overly cautious Mr. That Could Be a Problem voice loves to talk. When I do get his input it is okay some of the time, but other times he is just plain ridonlkulous. Shut up, we are not going to drive off the Mackinaw Bridge and plummet to our death. Not to mention that the bridge in question is hours away. Geez and golly, focus on something else.
     Yeah, there are a few voices. Some do not talk much, but others love to ramble on and on and on. The Mr. Paranoid (a hold over form my youth, who may or may not have drug problem) voice still believes that the 911 thing was a conspiracy, and that JFK and Mo Jo are hanging with Elvis. He also thinks that they covered up the millennium computer glitch and we are stuck in The Matrix. He could be right, but I really doubt that. Or is he?
     Interestingly enough, he does believe that we landed on the Moon. He seems to talk a lot more when there is a lull in the mundane reality of the everyday grind. He also loves to lob bombs and cause a scene. He is trouble. But he is really easy to control. (That is why they call it dope). Mr. Sensible is always right there refuting his smack. Or is he?
      Mr. Sports Watching voice is by far the most vocal of all the voices, as anyone that has watched a Lions or Redwings, or any sporting event with me can attest to. He loves to come up with insulting names for opposing team’s players. And in the case of the Lions, many of the Lions players.
     The Mr. Obnoxious in a mixed company crowd voice loves to get his drink on. He loves to drunk dial and drunken text. Even when my phone is in the holster, or pocket he has been know to complete this devious accomplishment. He is not much fun the day after, because he does not like hangovers. He is very chauvinistic. He really loves to play the devil’s advocate. However, after a few he does not seem to know when to shut up. He is usually the reason for people either liking me or absolutely hating me when they first meet me. He also seems to think the f-bomb is the world’s greatest word.
     Not to be confused with Mr. Just Sayin’ who is very similar to Mr. O and Mr. SW, but with more subtle overtones…yeah right…he is always right there with those other two, and is hard to differentiate. They are the trifecta of trouble.
     Then there is Mr. Positive spin. He is my favorite voice. He loves to see the glass half full. And he loves to wear those rose colored glasses. How else could I have remained a Lions fan after all these years? Why else do I keep on writing blogs? Everything is better when you look at the bright side. You have to let the voices talk, but know when to shut them up. It is a work in progress. I will never be perfect. But at least I know they are there. Now, so do you… Just sayin’ I ain’t no serial killer…See there is a bright side. Scary, huh kids….
Just another day in paradise

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Hold my beer and watch this.

    It is time. Yup. As they say there is no time like the present. The present is now. Well it was now but now, it is in the past. You can’t go back though. Unless you have a magic DVR.
     At this point it is still the past, but as long as your friends do not text you with updates, watching a game on DVR is like it is in the present. Before I got my magic DVR, I did not understand why my friend Rich wanted to always play Hockeyball longer and watch the game from the DVR. I understand now. However, now is also in the past. And now…Well it just keeps moving along, unlike this blog...
     The sweet voodoo of FF and RWD, and the magic pause button; I never miss a minute of the action running to grab a daddy pop! However, my favorite button of all is the live button. Damn you live button!!! Yeah, gotta be careful when you are watching a DVR’d game that is still recording, because hitting the live button and skipping thru the final two periods, only to find that your team lost is a major bummer. Finding they lost IS much worse than finding that they won, but still is a bummer. Now what are you gonna do for the next two hours? If they lost hold my beer and watch this…
     As you all know, I like my WINGS!! And I like to listen to sports radio during my frequent drives. I like a few guys that are on the air. I hate Jim Rome. If you like pompous, opinionated self-promoting ego-maniacs, then he is your guy. I only listen to “Romie” as he calls himself when I am trapped in the truck, or someone else’s trunk, cannot find some chicken bones to jam into my eardrums, or I am feeling like arguing with the radio. If you pass me and you can read my lips, between noon and three, STFU,JR would be the most likely thing you would read.
     I guess I could always listen to the CD. With a six-disc changer, you would think that I would be able to listen to music and not be forced to listen to JR. However, since I bought my truck 23 payments ago, I have not changed my discs. Lazy? Maybe. But let’s not worry about trivial details.
     Hold my beer and watch this. The battle cry of many a Darwin award winner. The lamentable last line for many a Dumas. (It’s pronounced doomaas) Unfortunately a thing that can make a great idea even greater can also make it turn south in a hurry. I like beer. I like some sports. I do not like some other sports. I do not like some beers. Unfortunately beer and sports do not mix well all the time. It is time for that to change my friends!!!
     The fact that I listen to sports radio means that not only do I have to put up with the Rush Limbaugh of the sports radio world, but I have to listen to stuff about many sports I could do without. But this is not about the ones I like it is about the ones I do not like and how they could be better.
    Start of with golf. My third most hated sport. First rule change, make Eldrick be the caddy for worst player on the course. He would have to wear a ridiculous outfit. Wait a minute, golf attire, while it has changed a bit since the turn of the 20th century, is still lame.
     We would also be allowed to throw water balloons at him and any other golfers for that matter. Or shoot him with a paintball gun. He would have wear a beer bong hat, and drink at every tee. Wild, starving, man-eating animals would also be loosed on the course for a little more pizzazz. May be that went a bit far. Jus’ sayin’
     My second most hated sport is Pro basketball. Pro basketball, not college hoops. Just pro…Since #23 was allowed to take 15 steps with the ball, and King James has been allowed to NEVER foul out, and that stupid thug from the wizards brought guns to the locker room, it has become a lameass shame. What was he thinking?
     To make it better, if you foul out, the other team gets to kick you in the junk. Hard. Or shoot you with paintball guns. Also the fourth quarter should be played like a drinking game, if you miss a shot you take one. That will liven up the fifteen minutes that it takes to finish the last 3 seconds of a typical close game. When you get a technical foul, you take three shots of tequila then you get tasered
     But the sport I like the least is NASCAR. Watching people drive fast in a circle. Whoopee!!! The viewership is down, sponsorship is down. Huh? Go figure. It is a stupid thing to waste an afternoon on, and guess what? The dullards of the world are starting to get a clue. Oh and it is loud and did I mention boring?
     Someone said that they encourage bumping into each other. Really? Actually aggressive driving was what they said, but they did not care much if a couple of drivers traded paint. It adds to the excitement. If you do that on the expressway, you get a ticket. How exciting is that. Yeah, people just love a train wreck. 90% of the traffic jams in Grand Rapids are caused by people gawking. The other 10 percent…who cares…
     Last weekend one of the jackass drivers caused an accident with another. I do not remember the names. I think it was JA #1 and JA#2…He could have killed someone! No shit? Really Rome, Ya think? Seriously?
     NASCAR came down hard on the driver. He is on probation for the next three races. Not suspended, just probated. WOW! Next step is double secret probation. After that, they make him drive with BOZO shoes. While the BOZO shoes would make the sport more interesting, I may have just made that up. Maybe…I think that Gary Buttman er I mean Bettman from the NHL consulted on this, but I can’t quote my sources...
     To make this ridiculous “sport” better. Have them drink one beer for every 10 laps. Another idea is have them drive the last 10 laps in reverse. While drinking a beer... Or make the course in a Wal-Mart parking lot. They way some people drive in parking lots; you would think they are NASCAR drivers in training. Have the course a figure eight. I had a race car track when I was young and it could be a figure eight, and talk about exciting!!! Then again I also thought PONG was pretty cool. And those cassette drive computers, AWESOME!
     There are many more ways to make the sporting world a better place, but since I am not in charge, or king of the sporting world, I will just suffer through, holding my beer, and watching this…
Just another day in paradise