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Saturday, October 16, 2010

being outside...seeing outside...

TRENDING NOW!!!!TRENDING NOW!!!!

 1.Sean Connery 2.Asteroid Collision  3.Mary-Louise Park… 4.Chevy Cars  5.Dane Cook

6.Oprah Winfrey 7.Kelsey Grammer 8.Breast Cancer  9.Pink White House  10.SAT Prep


.
   i went to visit VoHo at his new digs at Mary Free Bed...the name implies that the beds are free...i do not think that is the case but from the literal standpoint it would seem as such...i was not allowed to see him last night as he was getting a shower and (fighting visual) they end visiting hour at 8pm...i was wondering if it was a bridal or golden...
     i tried to explain that his normal bath night was Saturday not Friday, but since i did not stay in a Holiday Inn Express last night, do not play a doctor on TV and forgot my Marcus Welby scrubs and doctor badge, they just ignored me.
   while i was babysitting his sister Laura's purse, while she went to get a meal, i perused a magazine called Outdoor Living or something like that. the name is of little importance, but it was a bout a bunch of outdoorsy things. VoHo was an outdoorsy guy...reading this made me a bit saddened, but time will tell how limited he will be. minor digression aside, the magazine was focused on being outside. 
     in the magazine i noticed there were several articles about being green. i define being green as being concerned about your WastefulQuotient...there may be other definitions, but they are largely unimportant...the rest of these more verbose and multi-prongged defintions are simply GreenWashing...
     as i read one article i was appalled at the number of tree-huggers that oppose large wind farms, and solar farms. i guess there is some kind of gas given off by  green cars, like the Prius, that effects a tree-hugger's ability to be rational. it is called PriusZone...
    hey dumbass, if you want to limit the amount of greenhouse gasses, something has to take its place...if a few horned-toads and LocustSpiders are the collateral damage, so the f what...the extinction of the human race should be a larger concern than some indigenous species that has only a minor role in the food chain and has done nothing to advance the alpha species. you cannot have it both ways. there is no cake and eat it too when it comes to fueling a growing planets hunger for renewable and inexpensive fuel...Jus' Sayin'...
      another article talked about office spaces and the idea of every office having a window. seeing outside. as i walked around EGR, GasLight Village, and Collins Park with the TuckMonster today, i thought about the great feeling of fresh air and being outside. as long as i am not working, being outside is pretty damn good... well if it is not snowing or raining... being outside, if not impossible, is a preference. it is a freedom...
      i was leaving and i noticed that there was a large atrium in the middle of the building. it was filled with flowers and plants.  it was glass all sides three stories up and there appeared to be no doors. i guess that was to limit the number of suicidal wheelchair accidents, or for other reasons that i could just not fathom.
     it dawned on me that this is a nice perk. the outside is visible for any of the patients on their wheelabouts. seeing outside...
      in a perfect world, there is no reason to think about bad things, no reason to worry about the difference between being and seeing. but this is not a perfect world...if it were, Tree-Huggers would pull their heads out of their asses and be thankful that there is something being done to alleviate the burden of foreign fossil fuels...and there would be no reason to have a FreeBed where people need to be re-habilitated...i would prefer in most cases, being outside...seeing outside is not a bad second....

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Wednesday, October 13, 2010

A rolling Moss gathers no stones…

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1.McRib      (seriously??? this is trending now??? I'M CALLING WTF ON THIS)  2.Lana Lawless 

3.Ashlee Simpson  4.Gisele Bundchen  5.Reverse Mortgage  6.Oklahoma Earthquake…


7.Napoleon Dynamite 8.Mobile Phone Pla… 9.Rachel Zoe 10.Roth IRA
 
     The other day the Patriots traded Rolling Randy Moss to the Minnesota Vikings. As some of you know I hate the Vikings. I also hate the Cowboys. I hate The Vikings because of a certain Francis Tarkenton and the long string of defeats handed to the Lions by him and the Purple People Eaters. I hate the Cowboys because of the unceremonious handling of one of the great football coaches of all time, Tom Landry. I bet that dullard Jerry Jones and his 1-3 Cowpokes wish they had Mr. Landry back right now.
     Tom had Stones! He also had a stone face, like the coaches of that era. Back in the golden age of Pro Football, when guys like Landry, Shula, and Vince Lombardi prowled the sidelines, players made a pittance, until Broadway Joe broke the bank for what would now be considered a paltry sum of $427,000.00 Joe Willie also made the guarantee about beating the Colts in SB III and then made good on that line. These guys played like their coaches. They left their stones on the field and played every down. They reflected the personalities of the men in charge. But that was then…this is now…
     According to that Blowhard Jim Rome, the 2010 Lions are the best 1-4 pro football team ever! I finally agree with something he said. I think the world will end tonight. Better get your Millennium Closet filled and check your supplies, making sure you have plenty of water and …OJ…and a couple rolls of TP. The end of the world and crusty underwear seem like a small trip thru hell…
     Randy Moss is a talented guy. He is a great receiver. He single handedly has destroyed many a Sunday for me with his talents and his affiliation with the hated Vikings. He has rolled stoneless around the NFL with stops at Minnesota, Oakland, New England and now back to the hated Vikes, joining up with old # 4, Bret Favre. (Use the JADIP finds stuff box to find more on Bret by typing in gone but not 4gotten) a rolling Moss gathers no stones…or so it has been said…mebbe by others but definitely by me…you would really think that by now he would have some...
     Randy has failed to find his stones…If history repeats itself, which I predict it will, his lack of stonage will become apparent when he takes a couple of play or a couple of games off and the Vikes fail to make the playoffs. He will ultimately whine like the little biatch he is…Jus’ Sayin’…
     Moss, like I said is a talented guy. He is arguably one of the greatest receivers to play the game. He also is a huge baby, and has no stones. It is rumored that he has been know to take a play or two (read: the whole game) off when he does not get the damn ball thrown to him early and often. He has no stones. He is a wussy. He is what is wrong with pro sports personified. Hey Randy…RDACE…(reach down and count em…oh wait you have no stones…
     Where else but in Pro Sports can you have a great year, get paid a bunch of cash, and then turn off your ability, whine about your contract, and then get paid a bunch of money somewhere else. It is almost like Pro Sports are the same as big banks and the Bankstards that have made such a shambles of our economy. Well, to be fair the bankstards had a bit of help from the prostiticians
     Is anyone else sick of phone solicitations from prostiticians? How can you tell if a prostitician is lying? His or her lips are moving…or he/she is leaving you a voicemail. I do not care which side of the fence you are on; getting a phone message from one liar telling lies about another liar is like finding out that your mom and dad were swingers and they really do not know who your real father is…that would really kinda suck. Mebbe more than a phone ad from a prostitician, but it is very close…
     I used to get really excited when I had a phone message. Long before everything was call ID’d and you actually had to listen to the message to find out who called you, was kinda like going out to get the mail before you accumulated a bunch of debt, to see if someone surprised you with a postcard or letter.
     Now all I get in the mail are bills and icky stuff. And the messages on the answering machine are usually some computer generated appointment reminder or a prostitician trying to get me to support their particular theft of tax dollars while bashing the other sides idea of how to steal your money. If they had a pair, they would come up and lie to my face, not hide behind a pre-recorded pack of partisan poppy-cock.
     If it is a person on the message it sounds like they would rather have their fingernails pulled one by one than call you to remind you that you need to see Dr. PokeandProd, for your annual TouchyFeely body part inspection. Very rarely is it someone calling from your past saying they want to get together for a beer… I would relish a call from a long lost bud asking me to grab my pair from the wife’s purse and sneak out for a secret beer…Ah yes, those were the days.
     Now everyone texts everyone and even the phone is tied to your TV so when you get a call a message pops up on your TV that says who it is. I kinda hate that function, because it covers up the action on the TV, and for me it is mostly sports, and really I do not want to know who is calling, when I am watching the WINGS on TV. Most everyone I want to talk to calls my cell phone, sends me a e-mail, drops me a line on FB, or texts me. 
    Apparently, old number 4 does a pair of stones and sexted some NY sports reporter chick a picture of them. He has not come out and denied it. But seriously, who cares. They are both adults. It is not a life or death thing. No one is going to die from his junk being sexted. I can only hope that it is NEVER posted on FB, or some jackass links it on my news feed…
     If the OpinionFlashers would find something that is news worthy I would not have to be writing about another pro athlete that did something stupid. Sexting a pornshot of your junk to another adult is undeniably stupid, but it is not really a news item.
      So....Everyone seems so concerned about this Sexting thing. And internet porn. And other life and death things like that. I can see why teenagers Sexting is a bad thing. But part of being a teenager is doing very stupid and bad things. Seriously, we have kinda let this world get to where it is at. The priorities are seriously out of whack.
     Anyone that did not do something seriously stupid and against what an adult would deem inappropriate during your teen years stand up and leave this blog...you should not be here...you should be in some uptopian society, or you are lying...in that case you should be helping steer our country to the brink of disaster...seriously... either way reading this blog is antithesis to  your utopian apple cart...some times the truth is not pretty...
     I have a teenaged daughter and she is hanging out with a football player. She says they are not dating, but whatever… I would not like it one bit if this football playing guy sexted her his junk. I would not like it at all. But there are bigger things to worry about... sooner or later ya just gotta RDACE and just hit delete. You cannot change the fact that the world is full of stupid people and stupid people do stupid things...
     A sext is not a fatal accident, or a life confined to a wheel chair. It is not a Chilean mine collapse, a new strain of piggy flu or a near death experience. It is just a picture of anatomy and while a stupid thing to do, not gonna take years, days or even hours off your life…get pissed, get over it and move on...
     I wish I could make millions jumping from job to job, or getting paid bunches to lie and talk shit about the other side, without any stones, and just have a bunch of bad days, do a bunch of stupid stuff and play a game, either football or prostiticianing, for a living. That sounds like a great time.
     Alas, I have little athletic ability left, and really cannot see myself getting elected to an office. I may run, but my campaign of no promises no lies would leave me little else to say. And we all know ballsy truthful prostiticians are like unicorns or Moss’s stones…they simply do not exist…



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tuckmonster and i need your help!!!

Monday, October 11, 2010

its so cliche...

TRENDING NOW!!!TRENDING NOW!!!
1.Fran Drescher  2.Ashton Kutcher  3.Transformers 3  4.Chemotherapy  5.Social Security
6.Audrina Patridge  7.Jonathan Lipnicki 8.Smartphones 9.Bristol Palin  10.Severe Weather WHATEVER...
     This morning I awoke with a strange sensation. if it wasn't for bad luck...This day had bad written all over it. bad things happen to good people... It was not just a case of the clich√©’s…It was not just a b-movie sub-plot with all the trimmings. It was not Ground Hog’s Day…as least not yet…so many clich√©’s so little time.. 
     I KNOW you are prolly thinkin’ it was just MorningWood, but aside from that particular affliction that plagues most all of the ychomos out there, it was not. It was a feeling of impending doom. A feeling of a bad moon a risin’. Well, more correctly a settin’ but that song has yet to be written.
     This impending doom was not because I had to go back to the aliens house to put a new shade of lipstick on that pig, but more so it was an “I got a bad feeling about this.” The turd polishing was just icing on a really stale cake. I can live that, cuz this PigLipstickingTurdPolishing job is not my first rodeo and all that but…I know you have all been there as well. Some days just start out like a DamionDay
     After a night of oddball dreams, that I cannot not quite remember, lingering in my sub-conscience like DogFart and rotted beef blended with patchouli oil on a passed out deadhead and a very disconcerting morning feeling not connected to not having MorningWood, which would be a bad omen as well, I received a strange call. My Friend George called to express his regret and sadness for my loss.

WTF?!? Who died? Panic…Danger Will Robinson!

     My first thought was that VoHo had unsprung his mortal coil and had passed on to the other side to hang with Mr. MoJo Rison and Jimi Hendrix. Did he die and I was outta the loop? Amazingly, my first thought was I need to check FB to see what the scoop is…Unfortunately, I had just set the lappy to standby and it takes for ever to wake up, just like the grumpy 5 year old it is.
     When did I become so attached to the InterwebyUmbilical? My next thought was where was my Cellular device? Where the f! was that damn cell phone? My first thought was I left it in my flying car…oh wait there is no flying car…Yet…Mebbe I got a text that I missed. Holy crap, what did we do when we only had dial-up? Or rotary dial phones? The world has moved to instant gratification mode…except when you really need to know…
    CompuTime IS a slug on a dry leaf in the hot sun when you NEED to know something on the interweb…finally the page loaded up and I checked for bad news…there was nothing there to clue me in…then…

OMG
I took a sip of the worst coffee I had made in months.
Two scoops coffee and six cups water equals very weak AND yucky…

     It turns out that it was a different guy that hit an emergency vehicle that died last night. It could have been my friend, and I could be in mourning on this disconcerting morning…There but for the grace of God go I...
     As we all hurtle thru space at like 17 thousand miles per hour on a ball of rock and water or mebee a chunk of bittersweet chocolate kryptonite...f-you willy wonka..IKD... one bazillionth of the size of the massive expanse of the universe or galaxy or just plain space, whatever it is called, cuz Bill Nye I am not, we are protected by really…wait for it…wait for it…ABSOf-ing Nothing…or God. I will choose the higher power. I will choose God. But I will not be preachy about it. ABSOf-ing Nothing is sooo very negative and depressing…it is kind of like tofu oatmeal…do they even make tofu oatmeal? It sure sounds gross…
     Lately, I have become more and more convinced that everything happens for a reason. The problem is that the reason is not always very pretty. Or very easy to figure out, read or cipher. It is all in heroglyphic…(God language as in Hero meaning God and glyphic meaning languageBTW, If you do not know it yet, my blog my rules, fight back your insane desire to correct me…)
     I drove by a guy holding a sign asking for money. I thought for a moment to give him cash would be a good and stuff thing to do. Then I remembered that I struggle to pay my bills and I work full-time. I guess I could make a sign with some glitter and a glue stick and find a corner to spange, but I am not quite there yet. That does not mean that I do not feel for the guy. I do. There but for the grace of God go I...
     I was walking up to the hospital room to see VoHo. I was approached by an elderly woman that had some lame-ass story about being left at the hospital. She needed to get a dollar to get a ride home. I thought that I had no cash in my wallet as I pulled it out of my pocket. I told her that I doubted I could help her. In my wallet were two dollars. I gave her one. half my net worth, given to someone i do not know...

 Mebbe I am a sucker. Mebbe I am an easy mark.
 Mebbe I am a good person that does what he thinks is right.
Most likely I am a sucker, a mark, but I will not change
cuz there but for the grace of God go I...

     I was sitting with VoHo’s Mom and Brother. I got up to wander down to the room to see him. Amazing how quickly I seize up. I had only been sitting for like 10 minutes. By the time I got to the corner about ten paces from the seat I had just disembarked I was nearly back to a normal gate. I turned the corner. I nearly walked into a guy in a wheel chair with no legs…the legs may hurt, but they still work… There but for the grace of God go I...
     There are many crossroads on our daily commute form here to there. The line between life and death is thin. Much thinner than I thought it was a couple weeks ago. Much thinner than we all really wish to acknowledge. In an instant it can all change. In an instant it can all change…in an instant it can all…you get the point.
     In VoHo’s room I hear him speak for the first time since the accident. He says, “ I cannot breath” He is struggling to breath. We cannot find the call button. He is panicking. I am a bit freaked out. So is his mom. Damn you DamionDay! I calmly go the the next room and ask the guy sitting at the computer there to help. “the Guy in 4806 cannot breath, do you think you can give us a hand…” Just about that time a nurse comes in and assures us that he is fine. She gets him to calm down. She explains that the O2 number is 97. the best is 100 so he is fine…he falls asleep shortly there after. I leave and am shaken a wee bit. Ridin’ the VoHovator..
     I hate to dwell on the negative. I hate to watch people suffer. I know that there are those that have so much less to loose than me and have it far worse than I do. It helps to keep me humble. There but for the grace of God go I...It puts all things in perspective.
     Sometimes I remember the world is my kryptonite..bittersweet chocokyptonite at that...I am powerless to change anything but my thoughts. While that does give me free reign to wear underwear more than one day in a row, or flip the socks to get a second day out of them, that is poor consolation in the grand scheme...     
      WorldChocoKryptonite does give me the excuse to pay someone to change my oil as well and if I really want to I could have someone sit beside me and change the channels. Oh wait, I have that already, I call her Roxy. And I know eventually she will fall asleep and I can change them myself. I know she is asleep when I am watching the Spanish channel for more than two minutes…    
   WorldChocoKryptonite it is sobering and at the same time comforting. Sobering when I look at VoHo. He will need help to do everything for a long time. Sobering when I see the less fortunate. There but for the grace of God go I...Comforting when I think of the good things and the good times and the good times yet to be had on this hurtling ball of bittersweet. and VoHo is alive..
And only you can prevent forest fires…Jus’ sayin…
      I feel bad for all the ills of the world. I wish for a better place for my children’s children. I have never been a particularly religious guy. I have never been a big fan of expressing my faith and asking for prayers for me or mine. I have always kept my relationship with the man upstairs a mostly closed door conversation. I do not think that will change. I do not think I will modify my relationship. Well mebbe occasionally. Every day I see something that makes me think, There but for the grace of God go I...
      I do not have to be superman. and I am allergic to choclate..(seriously, i am...) I do not have to change the world. I just have to change me. I just have to change my thoughts. Attitude conquers all kinds of inability. And then you can change the world. One channel at a time. One day at a time.One blog at a time...(one Click thru at a time) and thru all that it is still…
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Sunday, October 10, 2010

You can put lipstick on a pig…

TRENDING NOW!!!TRENDING NOW!!!TRENDING NOW!!!

1. 10/10/10  2. Diane Lane 3 .Christina Ricci  4. Retirement Plann…5. Brett Favre Vikings football…


6. Annika Sorenstam 7. Milla Jovovich  8. Home Loans  9. NLDS 2010  10. Health Care 
   
      In the world of remodeling there are lots of surprises. Anytime you open a wall you find something interesting. I am not talking about the myriad of spiders and alien looking bugs that have never seen the light of day. The last frontier, while many think is the depths of the oceans of the world, is in the cavities of the stud bays. The dust is one thing, weird CricketSpiders are another...Those things just kinda creep me out…
    I used to be more surprised, now I just think it is a standard operating procedure. If there is nothing surprising inside a wall, then I am surprised. The fun of demolition is in the interesting crap you find hidden in a wall. You can put lipstick on a pig or polish a turd and the pig is still a pig and the turd is still a turd. Sometimes I find a polished turd or a lipstick wearing pig…
    One time I found a mini license plate from Iowa. Is it kismet? I was born in Iowa where the pigs outnumber the people 5 to 1. I am surprised that lipstick is not their biggest import. With that many pigs, there are a lot of turds. Whenever I hate my job I think of jobs I would hate more. Being an IowanTurdPolisher is prolly topping my list today. For that matter I would be loathe to wish for anyone to be an IowanPigLipsticker as well.

f-in’ with Norman…kinda like messin’ with Sasquatch…



With my minds-eye imagining device I have broken down this quandary in picture format, just so you know…

I once found a newspaper in a wall that I opened up. It was a sports page dated June 21, (I think) 1955. There was an article about a local pool player. Harold Worst. I knew his son Harold Jr.. I saw the younger Harold occasionally at a local dive bar known as the Pump House, AKA, the Pumper... I lost many a game of pool to the younger Harold. And drank a few cold ones as well as knocked back a few whiskey and cokes…. I have many a memory of the Pumper. (BTW, I gave the paper to Harold Jr.)
     My father was a regular at the Pumper. Before his demise, he actually was a bartender there as well. I rarely went in to the Pumper when he was working. I regret not spending more time up there with him, but you cannot change the past. However, I did have more than a few with him there. And at his other haunts. He drank Stroh’s beer…I still drink one now and think of him…talk about lipstick on a pig, in the world of beer, Stroh’s is a wild boar.
     My father and mother took me out for my twenty-first birthday. Needles to say I was a wee bit overserved. At one point in the night the drink of choice became amaretto Slammers, Amaretto with soda water that you slam on the bar top and suck down before the fizz stops. They are tasty. I do not to this day think of Amaretto without the slammer. I lost count after two, so at that point I was prrrretty unsober…
     We continued at home with some 12 year old Pinch Scotch, which I received from Billy G. for my HS graduation and of course some Stroh’s. At one point the conversation turned to the Christmas tree. My father and I decided to set the Christmas tree up outside. In a snow bank just outside the front door… but it looked fine. Just fine. Well, it was fine until I awoke the next morning. The tree leaned more than a bit and the lights were all kinda globbed on the tree even with a HorrendousHangover, it looked like a big, unpolished turd in a fresh snow punch bowl.
     My father was a character. He had flaws. We all do. He liked to drink… A lot. He passed this proclivity on to me. You have to take the good with the bad, and since we do not get to choose our parents, so we love them for who they are…if he were still alive he would not blame my love of the booze on himself, he would blame it on the JohnsonGene. He used to say that beer was a food group, required by the JohnsonGene. I may try to make the case for this statement but…Whatever.
     Back when my sister and I were both single fro the second time my father had a great idea to fix up my sis with a guy at the bar knick-named Barney so he planned a party. No plan to fix me up but if you knew the bar-wenches he knew it was prolly a good idea to pass on that one…let’s just say he knew a few pigs…wearing lipstick.
     Jay, his given name, in fact, looked eerily similar to Barney Rumble, so everyone called him Barney. I am not sure my father actually knew his real name. But my father wanted my sister to be in a relationship, so my father had a little party. And if you do not know this by now, there was a bit of drinking going on. And a bunch of grillin’.
     Also part of the JohnsonGene is the proclivity to have a BBQ or as I like to call them IM2BBQ’s because I do not like to rely on a big plan to cook meat, I like to rely on the whimsical nature of my carnivorous cravings. Mebbe some day I will try grillin some tofu…RIIIGHT…Seriously?
     You can put lipstick on a pig but it is still a pig, you can polish a turd, but it still a turd, and you can put a Johnson in a dry county but he will still find a beer, shot of scotch, or some Canadian Whiskey…A Johnson will find and drink beer and grill food…you might as well put a skirt, knee socks, and lipstick on a quarterback…wait they do…unless he plays for the LIONS… Jus’ sayin’…
     Back to the story…My sister and I were both single at the time. I was just fresh from the road and the Mildly Famous world tour Part One. My father had gathering of 30 or so people. One of the guests was my sister and one of the guests was Barney. My sister, in an act of protection, or preparation, in case Barney was a knuckle draggin’ total loser, brought along a friend. Mebbe she was concerned he was a pig with lipstick… or mebbe a polished turd…IDK…
     It is only fair to let you know that my sister and mom had recently gone to Glamour Shots, where they put more than lipstick on pigs and above average looking women (read: my sis and mother) become very glamorous. My father was particularly proud of the picture he carried of my sister. He must have shown that picture to a bazillion people. 
     Hells yeah, even I was impressed by the glam and I am not from Montucky, so having a fling with a sister is definitely out of the question. I am not sure if Glamour shots can polish a turd and really do not need to know this, but I am throwin’ it out there…
     Still and all, the pic did her a more than fair portion of justice. My mother looked glamorous as well. To be fair I have always thought that my parents were attractive, and know that I have been favorably blessed by being of their genetic contributions. Well, except for during the late 70’s and early 80’s when I thought having a ‘fro was a fashion statement…OMGWTF was I thinkin?
     It turned out that my sis and Barney hit it off. My sister left her friend to fend for herself. It may have been one of the worst things that ever happened to my sister’s friend. I was there and entertaining the crowd with a mix of songs from my repertoire; some covers and some originals. I was having a great time. (As regular readers know I am an applause junkie…) A single woman, at a party, was fair game for the mildly famous, world traveling applause junkie that I was. Once a pig always a pig…
     This little soiree was actually the first and last time my father actually really listened to me play. He was kinda drunk so he actually was kinda impressed. I did not know how to play any of the songs from African Queen, or he may have been REALLY impressed.
     At one of my many breaks between sets I actually said to my sister’s friend, “Ya wanna go for a ride in my Luv Machinewho is wearing the lipstick now, LITTLE PIGGY? I had recently purchased a Toyota van, a bit downsized from the big Chevy. As much as I know she was impressed with my well rehearsed lines, she respectfully declined, but I could see she thought I was the bee’s knees…This friend of my sister happened to be Roxy.
     Roxy and I were married shortly after this party. Well, it was nearly a year later after I ran on back to the Keys to winter after taking Roxy and the kids down for a little Keys vacation. I sent them back to Grand Rapids on a train, which I have never lived down, and continued on with the Mildly Famous world tour part two.
     As I waved goodbye at the train station, I could not help but feeling a little like a polished turd. When I found out that the train broke down about 100 yards from the station and they were sitting there for over an hour, mebbe closer to two, I really felt like an unpolished turd. By the time they finally got moving again, I was well entrenched in the Island atmosphere again…a happy pig…I wrote about fifteen new songs that never seemed to get recorded…one of which is titled “Smilin’ Islands.” Someday it will get put on CD…or not…I digress…
     My sis and Barney were hitched shortly after that. My father died about month later. There is no polishing that turd. I was devastated. It was a beautiful spring day. It was a great morning. Well, until I got the call from my sister that my father had died. Ouch. That stings a bit. We never stop missing the ones we love.
     He was a lot of things, my father, he was a drunk for sure, but he was fiercely loyal and caring. I inherited many traits from him some good some bad, but all the same, I would not trade who I am or who he was… He never got to see the fruits of his matchmaking labors. As I always say life is short…and ya never know when your number is gonna be called. You can put lipstick, a dress, even a thong and a skimpy little Vickie’s Secret babydoll, on that pig and it is still a pig.
     In the past few years, I have been blessed with a bunch of great customers and a few aliens. I wrote about some of the aliens a few blogs ago. I seem to be getting more than my fair share of them lately…as we all know aliens see the world entirely different than the human race…I know coming from a Were-Blogger and admitted vampire, it may seem a tad bit racist, but hey, “the world needs ditch diggers too.”
     When people want to remodel a bathroom, the best solution is to gut it and start over. Take out everything and get down to bare studs. Money is always a concern so to keep the price down; many people think you can save some money by re-using certain aspects and or fixtures. I must say that that kind of alien thinking costs someone a bunch of money. Usually it is the contractor in the cost of hours and hours of labor. A turd with polish is still a turd…
     A new tile floor will rarely match exactly up to the existing base tile, unless you want to spend lots of money, which BTW is the reason for this ridstupidousness in the first place. In this world you get what you pay for. That old vanity, site built 5 decades ago will never paint up as pretty as a new one, painted or stained in a controlled environment.
     The walls with ten plus layers of paint, most layers done by an untrained PaintSlappy, will never look like new construction. Painting while many people think is easy is an art. It is only as good as the paint you use, the existing canvas, and the person applying it. If you put lipstick on a pig it is still a pig.
    The old toilet will not ever be as shiny and new as the one just out of the box. removing anything and re-installing it at a later date is just asking for a blemish, mark, or scratch, cuz you can polish a turd mover but it is still a turd…
     The industry standard, in the construction trades is to view the job from 6 feet away. I really hate to have to use this line. It feels kinda greasy. However, any lipstick smear that you see at 2 inches from the surface is not industry standard.
     An item purchased at a discount home improvement store is going to be a polished turd. However, the polish will prolly be a very thin veneer. There is no way that polish on a turd is going to make the turd anything but what it is.
     Natural stone, tile, and wood, are NOT plastic. They have character and character means flaws. It is not a perfect world. They do not have the luxury of being made by robots in the controlled environment of a plastic factory. And BTW, plastics still have flaws. The world is not perfect…nothing is…and money determines the course of events in way too many aspects of this world…
     For some reason there seem to be a lot of Friday products and Monday products in the mix. Quality control is still about the bottom line. And protecting the shareholders. Quality…not so much…
     You get what you pay for. Just because it says it is a Moen, does not mean that it is of high quality. If you bought it at a big box store there is a reason it is there. The quality of the fixtures at the big box store is for some reason not as good as the ones you buy from a plumbing supply house. I wonder why it is that way. It could be something to do with the old get what you pay for idea…Jus’ Sayin’…
    The fact of the matter is you can put lipstick on a pig, but it is still a pig. The world is full of unrealistic expectations of what a coat of paint can do. Remodeling is like Glamour Shots, but you cannot be a pig to begin with. You can polish a turd but it is still a turd.

THRU CLICK SOME ADS TO HELP SOME KITTIES AND SOME PUPPIES WERE STILL AWAYS AWAY FROM THE FIRST OF MANY DONATIONS...I NEED YOUR HELP!!!