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1.Hugh Hefner (getting married again) 2.Maria Aragon (will sing for food) 3.Elizabeth Taylor (was secretly married to MJ) 4.Kellie Pickler (eloped) 5.Halle Berry (very hot) 6.Osama bin Laden (complete fucking jackass) 7.SunChips bag (suffocation hazzard) 8.Steve Jobs (sucession plan vetoed) 9.Smoking ban (in NYC) 10.Firefly (may be a web series)
well, just stop by and say hi, and hit the follow button!
lovkyne at Muse on Fire is the newest BIA stop over and give her a cyberwebber salute...
the bushman gave me some mad props in this post. trundle over and have a beer with him!
editors note: being that i am in the middle of slamming some fucking awesome chili together and the boys are coming over for some WINGS hockey and beers AND booze...a mini MCT if you will.
I am re-posting another from alcoholic archive posts...(posts i wrote while hungover)
There is a lot of talk about the end of the world. 2012 is the latest guess on when the world will end. Armageddon is just around the corner, like some 70’s movie mugger that you see, but the characters are oblivious to.
We are all doomed.
Guess what? They are right. We will all die. It is a fact that we are mortal. But as Ronald Reagan said “Facts are stupid.” Well, they are not stupid, but I prefer to not stick with the just the facts, if I can embellish, a bit, embroider a smidge, and well, stretch the truth a tad, for the sake of the story, I will do this.
I have my poetic license and I am not afraid to use it.
I am not going to throw in the towel just yet. As my father used to say, “You live until you die.” And as much as I would like to disagree with the statement, it is true. He did live until he died. He also used to call me a dumbass. And as many of you know I do have a bit of the dumbass gene. Many people may refer to this as a component of the Y chromosome.
Whatever.
I seem to have forgotten the purpose of this blog.
Oh, yeah, Armageddon. The end of the world. Doomsday. Seems like every religion has a day of reckoning. A day of atonement, and passage to the great beyond. Even that bastion of truth, Hollywood, is on the bandwagon of bad endings.
Several times.
We are over exposed to the possibility of what can happen. The world can end in a various array of poor probabilities and outrageous outcomes. For example, we can nuke ourselves to kingdom come and apes can rule the world. We only find out that we are still on earth, but a future earth, when we see the statue of liberty half buried on the beach.
The fact, Mr. Reagan, is the world will end. For reach of us. At some point. But why worry? It is totally out of our control.
We will live until we die.
My generation has survived the nuclear proliferation of doomsday devices, the Vietnam War, the two gulf wars (one of which has never ende even tho' we proclaimed victory years ago) and perhaps the dumbest man to ever hold the office of President Of the USA. (P.O.T. U.S.A.). You can decide who I am talking about, pick the one you liked the least and run with it. I know who my choice is, and although I have two close candidates, there is only one to hold this esteemed honor.
We are also surviving Global Climate Change. The jury is still out on whether (or weather, hee hee…) we will survive this or not, but I am going to live as green as possible. Well, not really, I am slow to change and do not really know what is green or not green.
There is way too much subterfuge, spin-doctoring, and talking head blathering for me to really decide. Besides, peeing outside is a god-given right, and I KNOW that cannot be green. Even if you drink a bunch of green beer, or eat a bunch of asparagus, it is still more yellow than green.
Last Friday night, I drank a bit more than I have in many moons. Well, I was actually just over served. I truly felt green. Well, green around the gills. I felt like it was Armageddon on Saturday morning. I survived, but not without a few scrapes, bumps, and bruises. Or at lest that is how I felt. I felt kind of like I climbed in the dryer and went for a spin, after taking a bath in a mixture of booze and beer.
It was a tie one on type of night.
It started innocently enough with sitting on the glass at the Van, and dollar beers. Sitting that close to the ice is awesome. I suggest you do it at least one time before the world ends. I guess you have until 2012. Even if you do not like hockey, which I cannot believe is even a possibility. You should pop the $30 or so for the seat.
The Griffins lost.
Always a bummer when the team loses. So drinking away the sorrows of a home team loss we went on to Founders, and Hop-Cat, and rounding out the evening with a stop at the Meanwhile. Damn those over serving bartenders, anyway.
There are a lot of things I will miss if I happen to survive the Day of Reckoning. I will miss tap water, hot showers, indoor plumbing, cable T.V., the internet, Facebook, and fast food. I will miss the microwave, a/c and heat.
I will miss my friends and family.
I will also miss booze and beer. But not so much as the rest of these things. Well, yeah, I probably will…but I will not miss Lemon Drops…not the candy, but the drink.
Seriously Libby, what were you thinking?
I went home and went to bed. When I woke up a few hours later while it was still early dark thirty to piss out some of the filtered alcohol, and take some Advil, I wandered out to the kitchen to the refrigerator.
I needed something wash down the Advil and to quench the parching arid desert that was my mouth. I nearly had to get a pry bar to separate my lips as they had become zipped together by that crusty post drunk saliva paste.
It was either that or my wife had super glued them together in an effort to squelch my snoring.
OMG!!!! IT was ARMAGEDDON.
Just around the corner.
The corner of the kitchen, that is. I reached into the refrigerator for the Orange Juice. I thought about how great it would taste and how much I would miss it if the world as we know it ended. There is something almost nirvanaish about O.J. Definitely my favorite of the juices. Unless you count carrot juice.
Not really.
Come on, seriously?
Carrot juice?
YUCK!!!
While the color is similar, it does not compare. I unscrewed the cap, and poured the cool orange liquid into a glass. Instead of a gush of orange juicy goodness, there was nary a trickle.
IT was ARMAGEDDON.
Just around the corner.
“Ah Damn you! God Damn you all to hell!”
"They really did do it...."
I looked around for something else. There was nothing!! Well, there was tap water.
“Ah Damn you! God Damn you all to hell!”
While there were no human-like apes in my kitchen, someone HAD nearly finished the O.J. and PUT the nearly empty container back in the fridge.
I savored the nary a trickle AS IF the world slipped into oblivion.
TRENDING NOO!!!!!!!TRENDING NOOO!!!!!!!! 1.Jessica Hahn (the baker 'Ho calls out Barbra Walters...CAT FIGHT!) 2.Alyssa Milano (bun in the oven!) 3.John Travolta (on death bed and very sick) 4.Lindsay Lohan (going back to court yet the f* again) 5.iPad 2 launch (whoopee…wake me up when they are on v.10 and it can make an espresso 6.Sarah Ferguson(snubbed by royals)
7.Angry Birds birthday cake (seriously? A cake about a video game for cell phones is trending? KILL.ME. NOW)
8.Fiji earthquake (thoughts and prayers) 9.Mikhail Gorbachev (that thing on his face? Herpes) 10.Maine lobster harvest (biggest ever!)
i can stare right thru you.
i am a puppy.
i see right thru you
i am a puppy!
i recieved an award! and we all know i am an award whore. Sweet! My good BIA Shelby at Falling Face Up gave me this award. Tucker has told me that my previous answers were not very muchly fun, so he is gonna give it a try.
the original version
the new shelby version
If you blog anonymously, are you happy doing this? If you aren't anonymous, do you wish you started out anonymously, so you could be anonymous now?
Tucker's Answer: i am tucker. i am a puppy. i just turned 1, but that doesn't matter. i love you! lickity lickitylicklick! if i bloggeded amously, you would think i am a mouse. momma does not like mouses, but you love me, so you want to know who i am. tucker the puppy!
my honeybadger imitaion!
Describe an incident that describes your inner stubborn side?
TA: sometimes daddy says to come front, and i ignore him. cuz he doesn't always have a treat. he thinks i do not know what is going on. hey there's a stick! get the stick, get the stick. get the stick! and i ignore daddy. i do what i want cuz i am a puppy!
What do you see when you really look at yourself in the mirror?
TA: a puppy. but i do not look in mirrors very often. i did watch the puppy bowl after the superbowl with daddy! i am a very cute, tho' everyone says i am, so when i look in the mirrior i see a cute puppy!
What is your favorite summer cold drink?
TA: daddy says for me to say Molson (Canadian, if you prefer) but i like puddle water better. than. anything. and bbq drippings.
i have a stick!
do you hava stick?
i do!
When you take time for yourself, what do you do?
TA: Take a nap. Bark at butterfly farts. and i am a puppy so i can lick myself. chew stuff and play.
Is there something that you still want to accomplish in your life?
TA: i want to go fishing with daddy, go to minnesota with daddy, go summer camping with daddy . play in the snow. go get mr stick. chase mr squirrel, and mrs bunny. snif a bunch of stuff, and butts. but mostly i want to play.play.play! and chew. chew. chew.
Is it easier to share your true self in your blog or are you more comfortable writing posts about other people and events?
TA: i am a puppy. i do not know how to lie. i only say what i think. i am a puppy! i love to write about me and daddy. and the fun stuff we do!
If you had a chance to sit down and read a book or talk on the phone, which would you do and why?
TA: phone or book...i will chew. chew. chew. either if you leave them out where i can get them...i am a puppy! i do not like daddy's cell phone. he does not play with me when he is using it.
pass this award along to five six (cuz i could not just pick 5) people:
TRENDING NOO!!!!!!!TRENDING NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! 1. Lindsay Lohan (falls off the wagon yet again…. milka wha?) 2. Ashley Judd (may have pushed lindsey off…) 3.Legend of Zelda (is based on an acid trip) 4.Hayden Panettiere (drunken driving? Preggers…who the f* cares) 5.NeNe Leakes (finds true love? Breaks up with bf? Having triplets? I don’t care!) 6.50 Cent (is twice as good as that rapper two bit?) 7.Rod Blagojevich (caught having sex with a dog? Or a boy? or a boy dog? Or really ugly prostitute? or F*ing who cares?) 8.Fiji earthquake (bad vibes) 9.Oscar 2011 predictions (a bunch of dumb movies/actors/actresses win a bunch of dumb awards, causing the actors/actresses/movie moguls to demand more money and in the end it costs us more if we want to see their dumbasses…) 10.Presidents' Day (is stupid. Yeah, I said it.)
This weeks JADIP blog is sponsored by Bouncin' Barb
storm clouds versions 1 and 2...
i have only three contestants for the giveaway...which is fine...but some people could not get the music to play...not fine.... the link above ought to get you to the place where you can hear the music if you want. or not...
rest assured, i will not be hurt if you don't listen. there is no pressure.
but just so you know...the contest runs thru sunday, and the 2 discs are of the complete recorded works of yours truly. not just those two songs. those two versions just happened to fit the story.
rules:
1. say you want in..
(i eliminated any other rules.)
ya live until you die.
My father used to say this all the time. I never really understood the complexity of the statement. I always took it to be a literal thing. I just assumed it meant what it said.
But it actually means so much more.
It does mean we live until we cease to live. Our heart stops. We take out last breath. We die.
But...
It also means we die a little every time we fail to live. When we fail to overcome an obstacle. When we stop instead of going around, over, or thru what is put in front of us. We fail to live, while still breathing.
We accept this long suffering death.
We accept dying a little every day, not just in one fell swoop. Our life may end suddenly in an accident, but usually we have begun the journey to the River Styx, long before we actually arrive.
Do not let this be you!
Move past your troubles. Live for you! for your loved ones! Live, baby, just live!
Death is very difficult to accept. Do not accept it in small steps.
Die with your batteries totally cashed, and your life list so crossed off it looks like an anal retentives one month shopping list!
On to more happy thoughts.
More Food For Thought Monday!
On the menu today!
Bruce's Guacamole
2 shots of Crown Royal
3- ripe avacados. (ripe avacaodos are soft but not too soft, the little nipple comes off easily.)
mashed but chunky to chunky-ish paste.
3- whole green onions chopped fine.
1-half medium sized white or yellow onion diced to 1/4 inch scubes. (you know, square+cubes=scubes)
1-medium tomato diced ot 1/4 inch scubes
1- half small jalepeno (or less, depending on your heat tolerance...O.F.F.S. don't be a pansie!)
1- tsp salt
1-tblsp ground black pepper (i like it peppery, you can dial this back a bit pussy)
1- tsp ground white pepper
3- tblsp diced cilantro (fine diced)
1/4 tsp tabasco sauce (about four shakes)
1/4 tsp worchesterhire sauce (about two shakes, this stuff comes out fast!)
1/2 medium sized lime
1/2 medium sized lemon
cut avacodos in half and remove pits, but save two pits
mix all the veggie shit with the avacado paste, sprinkle on the salt and pepper.
drink a victory shot!
stir.
pray.
add in sauces.
mix some more.
shoot 2nd shot of crown.
squeeze that half lime over the green shit.
squeeze the lemon as well.
pour another shot of crown.
mix the stuff again.
toss the two pits on top.
pray.
test with a chip.
If it ain't great, drink the third shot of Crown...
F* that, drink the shot anyway!
And serve anyway. Canned guac is complete shit. this is a total upgrade!
and after three shots of crown, it's a party even if the food is crap!
I got an e-mail the other day about our 30 year HS re-onion. No, that is not a mistake, you saw that right, re-onion. Peeling the layers away we find out who we really are. In honor of my passing officially into the second more sexy half of my life, I decided to take you on a trip. (and give you a chance to grab some history)
Just a little one. it will still be too long.
If and when I die, since I am immortal, cuz of the cyberwebber…if it’s out there on the webber, it is out there forever…Way back in the mildly famous days…i was a street musician....damn, I can’t believe it has been that many years…1996.. has it really been 15 years?
Pretty much, Brucie maboy, pretty much.
I never have claimed to be a great musician, and I am even less of a vocalist, No one will ever confuse me with David Gilmour or an Amerian Idol winner, but I decided that I would always regret NOT going out on the road. I had to give it a whirl. The plan was little other than write, play, and sing. Just the guitar and me...I figured I would stand out there and give it a shot.
How tough can it be?
What's the worst that could happen?
The night I got my first $5.00 tip playing on the street, I figured it was out of pity, but then, I realized, it is about the feeling, the emotion, and the catharsis that is singing about life. mostly my life. And I was hooked.
When I traded a couple old tools and a bit of cash for my traveling van, I took the first step on a trip that defined the rest of my life. I made a move to accomplish a dream.
I also received a break up voicemail.
Yeah. Some girl gave me the boot on a message. This was shortly after my 15 year re-onion. We dated for a few whiles. I say whiles cuz for the life of me it could have been two weeks or four, whatever…I really do not remember.
But I remember the message.
It sucked.
I wrote a song about this girl, (actually more than one.) I have taken the liberty of including both versions of one of these, a song called storm clouds, that Busker and I wrote this song on the beach at Jacksonville. Actually, I wrote it and Busker went for a dip in the ocean. It was his first taste of salt water. Literally and figuratively.
The whole thing came together in about 30 minutes. When the muse hits, it strikes fast and furious! now recording it, well, i am an artist...recording is technical...
I am entertaining a little contest. I will send you this two disk set. (a bit of history) Rules are simple. (remember petey?)
1. You must want the disks.
2. Ask to be in the running, in a comment.
3. I (or tucker) will drawn a name from a hat. (next sunday)
simple.
as.
that.
(I Think you have to double click on the song title, I am not to familiar with the technology.)
(since i am too cheap to pay for this stuff, if you want to hear the complete track of the original you can check it out here (storm clouds original (#2) and accoustic (#1)) (this link should take you to podsnack)
You can e-mail me at askevilbruce@gmail.com, and we can discus the two disc set...for the non-winners that are interested. (I used to sell them for 7.00 each on the MP3 site before the record lables shut that shit down, cuz the mp3 unknowns were better than most of the stuff they think we SHOULD like)
I will never be the same guy as I was before I hit the road. After a miserable divorce and a couple years wondering around West Michigan, I came up with the decision to do the road music thing. I will forever be indebted to my ex-wife and all the other women that booted me out of their lives. Had I stayed with any of them, I may never have had this little trip!
This little story for today and many others are included in the book What I Sorta Did On My Summer Vacation (WISDOMS V) not yet available in book stores but mebbe soon. You can read three chapters here, here and here
Wait…wha? What?
The story of my break up by voicemail?
Oh yeah...about that...
Many many many moons ago I went to my 15 year re-onion. It was late summer or early fall of 1996. I showed up alone, and was hoping to get a good, groovy drink on. I looked fairly awesome, having grown my hair out in a Sammy Hager-ish style and was wearing the purple shirt from this story. I was in as good shape as I had been in since high school. Well, except for the smoking thing. Hey, we cannot all be perfect.
But, Yeah, I looked good!
One of the first people I ran into in the foyer of the hall we were celebrating this momentous occasion was a girl I had had a crush on in sixth f*ing grade. I will call her Z. She was looking pretty damn good! It looked like Z was alone. I walked up and said hello.
Realize, at this point in my life, I was prolly the most laidback and carefree as I have ever been, and really had nothing to lose, hence I was just a bit cocky as well, so I immediately asked her if she is alone. I didn't want to waste any time hanging around with some chick with a date.
I know there have to be some other hotties running around.
She tells me she is alone. She told me she was not going to come to this crazy shindig, but at the last minute something told her she should and so she decided to go. I take this as a green light.
Houston we have ignition.
down boy!
Good, bad, or indifferent, her decision had a huge impact on my life. To this day, I remember fondly the few hours we shared at the re-onion.
I told her of my plans to hit the road. I was totally up front about it. I was gonna leave right after the holidays. She told me of her situation, and I may have even listened, but it is not anything that adds to this story, so whatever…
Time flew by and Z had to head home, to relieve her baby sitter. As we walked thru the door to the parking lot, I open the door with my left hand and put my right hand ever so softly on the small of her back and guided her thru and saying, "after you my lady."
With a wink as well.
Cuz yeah, I am a winker.
No, not a wanker.
Well, mebbe to some people I am.
whatever.
I then took her hand and we walked slowly to her car. Our banter once light, became heavy with uncertainty. You know the feeling, when you have a chance encounter and the ending seems a forgone conclusion. Obviously, we would go our separate ways. The evening was over.
one and done.
I am quite sure there was still a cash bar open in the hall, with a few more Crown Royal's for yours truly. I had chalked this up to another night that I would soon forget.
Besides, The Call of the Road beckoned!
When we got to her car, I lifted her hand to my lips, gave it a soft kiss and said, “see ya.” And I turned and walked away.
Cuz I am all cool totally geeky and stuff like that.
After a couple of steps, I turned back to look at her and she was just standing there. I slowly turned around and walked back. I gently cupped her face in my hands, pulled her to me and kissed her slowly and softly. I moved my hands away from her face and traced her neck, her shoulders sliding my hands slowly down to the exquisite curves of her hips to her luscious ass. I could feel her melt into me and our kiss.
Yeah, it was THAT kind of kiss.
To be honest I have never had a kiss quite like this one. And I do not think I ever will again. It was a forever kiss. I will forever remember that kiss. Mebbe she has forgotten it. Who cares. I will never forget the feeling of her mouth, soft lips and wet tongue. And the connection.
I pulled away from our connection. The sexual tension was more than palpable, as I looked into her eyes in the soft dim light of that parking lot I asked her, “Do you want some company tonight?”
You can guess what the rest of the night was like. I will not go there. I am a gentleman.
Anyway. We hung out like I said. For a few whiles. It was f*cking awesome, and a slice of buttered rye. Hell, boys and girls, make it two slices, a cup of Hawaiian coffee, and a totally sexual back rub, wrapped around a sleep in Sunday! With two, no make it three strips of bacon.
Yeah, it was that good.
The whiles went on. I went to the east coast for a wedding, and called her every day. When I got back we hung out, but the day of my departure was inching ever closer. I felt nothing but tranquility. I began to believe that I could actually fall in love again. I believed that I could have a relationship that was more than sex.
Cuz I am all romantical and stuff like that.
I had planned to go to visit a friend over the thanksgiving weekend and was on the road to stop by to see Z before I left. I called her from my $1.00 per minute bag phone to let her know I was in nearly there.
Big mistake, I guess.
She did not answer my call. As I exited the freeway I got a page. Yeah, a page. From a pager. My cell phone had not rung. But way back then the service was, if you can imagine it, even spottier, than it is today. I had a pager to alert me to the fact that I had a voicemail.
I stopped at a pay phone. Yeah, a pay phone. Back then it was easier to find a pay phone than today, and many of them actually worked. They were also a lot cheaper than my cell minutes.
I had one new message.
“Uh yeah, I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
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