first post of 2011...

….a bit early!

In a few hours I will be not in any condition to type, let alone entertain…and tomorrow, well there are so MANy football games!

Welcome new BIA Skippy Mom at I make Soap She is familiar to many of us, but those of you who do not know her go check her out, she is the latest Petey winner… and her blog rocks.

the Guy Book  would like to welcome new BIA Semi-True ToryStellar at can u relate. Stop by and say hello...she is the bomb-diggity! She is the third trifecta follower (Becca and Mynx are the first two)

TRENDING NO!!!!TRENDING NOOOOOO!!!! (i may or may not make this stuff up?)

1.Lindsay Lohan (this is her FAVORITE holiday, she will be in treatment by Jan. 1)

2.Elaine Mellencamp (just don’t call her Cougar)

3.Kathy Griffin (is preggers)

4.Angelina Jolie (is it just me or is anyone else sick of her being an attention whore?)

5.Obesity statistics (over the muffin top)

6.Black-eyed peas (are thinking 'bout asking Darius Rucker to front the band)

7.Laura Govan (abandonment issues)

8.Ground beef recall (thank god it wasn’t hot dogs!)

9.Credit cards (rates drop again…down to 26%! Woo-hoo!)

10.2011 predictions (the world ends)

Hed at Hed above water  gave me an award, but it is difficult enough to type while two-fisted drinking, let alone wander over to her place grab an award, and make it safely back without getting nabbed by the po-po for drunken bloggering, so I will have to wait till Monday to do the award the justice it so rightfully deserves.

In yesterday’s post I alluded to GoogleBrother and the illegal clicks. The legal braintrust at googlef*cker has an iron clad way to get out of paying you. If they determine that anything you do makes you money, they pull the magical phrase illegal clicks outta their greedyasses.

In my vast experience, and research, there is no refuting the final determination of GoogleStaupo. They have all the data, and they make all the determinations.

Don’t do it. adsense is the devil.

I am so f*ing done with that crap.

On to the rest of the crap in my head.

The sponsorship is filled for the first 7 no 8 no  9 weeks of the year. Hence, we are looking at March as the first opening. Those of you that have expressed interest are on the LIST!

I am a pimping MFer.

Again, there are no rules. I pick a sponsor, pimp them for a week, and they have to do NOTHING. They CAN steal grab the banner and post it on the award section or on their blog. Or not.

I will have the banner and the sponsor at the top of the blog just below the trending now portion of every blog. The official sponsor~ship sails on Mfft Monday January 3, 2011.

All I ask is if youz guyz decide to grab it, youz guyz remember whence it came. If any of youz guyz want to do likewise, have a sponsor, I am all for it, but again, just remember the genius guy that started the ball rolling. Or not. It is your karma bank that will be tapped…Jus’ Sayin’

It is an idea born of altruism, and depositing in the karma bank. And my way of saying thanks to all those that help keep me sane!

love you all!

(in a totally non-sexual, yet Very Manly way!)

Happy New Year!

oops spilled my drink!

and stay safe!

turning over a new leaf...

TRENDING NO!!!!TRENDING NOOOOOO!!!!

1.Candace Cameron (CC for short)

2.Ana Ivanovic (hot?)

3.Ryan Phillippe (???)

4.Khloe Kardashian (yet another attention whore)

5.Whip My Hair (check out Jimmy Fallon doing Neil Young doing this song)

6.Ashton Kutcher (got punk’d)

7.Bette Midler (got old)

8.Tax-deductible deductions (redundancy department x 2)

9.Brie Larson (who dat?)

10.Mortgage rates (are now at 2%)

After a grueling 1/2 week of bloggering, I may be up for yet another vacation. mebbe. IDK, R? I may be here all weekend posting blogs and comments. or I may be blotto. I have yet to decide.

Simple Dude is actually not a new BIA. He disappeared from my list and then re-appeared, while at the same time I disappeared from his Google reader. But it gave me a reason just to pimp his blog…and I am all about pimping.

I am wondering if this GoogleBloggerGlitch had anything to do with a rather sarcastic reply to their why are you not doing ad-senselessness. GoogleBrother is watching... 

i gave them a fake email address like ursof*ingstupid@fu.com

yeah, something like that.

Long timers know that GoogleBrother disabled my ad sense account for what they deemed as *illegal clicks.

so f* them…

Anytime I can poke at a sleeping giant, tho’ I am up for that. So when the opportunity came for me to refute their little Ponzi scheme (not actually a Ponzi, but I like the way it sounds so I am running with it.)

They actually say in their propaganda opinion poll survey something to the effect of making $1000.00’s of dollars a month. My best day was about $10.00. (if i could make 10 per day x30 days = $300.00 not really close to 1000, but you know, this new math) right after that and magically after I crossed the payment threshold (of $100.00) I was suddenly deactivated.

for illegal clicks...

right...

My advice to you is avoid putting their stupid ads on your site, and fill it with pictures your BIA would find cool…

or start a porn site.

or an EvilTwin blog

The New Year's Eve is almost upon us. It is the one time of the year where my proclivity to imbibe is not exactly frowned upon. In fact it is embraced.

I like that.

However, I call it amateur night.  People feel it is okay to drink on this night for some reason and they go out in droves. I am usually in bed before the f*ing ball drops, cuz there is tons of football to watch on New Year's Day, but I usually start the day with a breakfast beer. And keep on quaffing all day. I really hate the stupidity of drunks, mostly of the amateur variety you see on this day/evening, so I avoid all contact, i.e. bars!

I don't like that.

the secret to drinking is to ride the wave, get a good buzz, but not get stupid drunk.

I find nothing romantic about kissing a drunk at midnight, either. And why people flock to watch a ball drop outside in the f*ing cold? With a bazillion other drunks? yeah right. shoot. me. now.

After some serious soul searching and insidious introspection I have decided…

I was going to make some new years resolutions, but seriously, why? I am too old a dog to do any new tricks, so I will continue along the same path that got me this far.

Besides, Trix are for kids. And sometimes for tricky rabbits. Oh, and the occasional prostitute. No new tricks here, however.

Nope.

The New Year will be one of many surprises, I am sure. I am hoping not to have any really big, upsetting ones, but some things are just outta my hands, and so I just have to roll with the punches.

Some excitement for the New Year!

I am going to start a new blog. I know you are prolly saying f* you Bruce, isn’t three F*ing blogs enough?

Prolly.

But no.

I am going to write a serious Blog. Yup. One about remodeling. Cuz it will help with my non-bloggering life. And tie in to the idea that I actually have to go back to doing what I did for the last twenty years.

(no, I am not going to go commando, full time. Although I was surprised by the number of comments about that guilty pleasure, I woulda  thought that there would be more interest in my affection to Christmas carols. I may be commando right now, and sporting a mullet)

I need some kind of routine, because I am not very motivated or mebbe I should say I am easily led astray by the things I would like to do as opposed to the things I need to do. To that end I will be structuring my bloggering to accommodate the possibility of REALLY getting a business up and running, instead of just poking it with a stick, and getting it all angerfied and stuff.

Ib at The Habitual Hobbit has offered to collaborate on the Guy Book. Although, I have the entire book written, I do not have any insight into the trials and tribulations of child birth from a man’s perspective, so I will be offering to him a chapter on that *debacle* miracle. Watch for it.

Actually, I guess I am changing my path a bit…rolling in a bit of the new dog thing…Jus’ Sayin’

My new posting schedule will be as follows:

More food for thought Monday

    Tucker does Tuesday

Remodeling Wednesday (the new blog, yet to be named)

    Mebbe Something Thursday (mebbe not anything Thursday it is MCT after all)

Thematic Photo Friday (in conjunction with Carmi’s blog I miss doing this blogday)

I may be in the mood for half ass-ing it weekend style like SD, but I may just get caught up on all the reading and commenting and such. Who knows. This pace of two blogs a day for the past couple months is too much, for a mere mortal with a job.

And the biggest change for the New Year, and no, it is not that I am sporting a mullet, but ya never know, I am introducing a new pimping fest called

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

THIS BLOG IS SPONSORED BY….



http://bruceejohnsonjadip.blogspot.com/



There are no rules.

I will randomly pick a BIA or a blog I BIA and they will be mentioned in every blog I post for a week or so…and I will say nice things about them. And pimp them out.

Now if you are interested in being considered for this, idk, honor? You can e-mail me at Askevilbruce@gmail.com. You must give me a reason. Otherwise it will just be up to me…and you KNOW that is never good...

And to kick it off…

This blog is sponsored by....

Oilfield Trash at make daddy a sammich 

The first sponsor of the New Year.

(officially starts on Monday January 3, 2011, for me...If I have sobered up enough to type...)

oh AND btw...you of course can respectfully decline, or ignore this honor curse sponsorship, just tell me in a three page document, single spaced, why you shouldn't be allowed to sponsor my blog...

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Wednesday nights a good night...

for blog love!

TRENDING NO!!!!TRENDING NOOOOOO!!!!

1.Todd Bridges (whatchu talkin’ bout, Willis)

2.Janet Jackson (yet another wardrobe malfunction)

3.Angelina Jolie (has really big lips)

4.Lily Allen (getting hitched, too bad guys)

5.2011 predictions (I will become king of the world, or the world ends)

6.Kathy Griffin (funny chick)

7.Medicare (is really expensive)

8.Bon Jovi (I’m a cowboy.)

9.Small business loans (what, they loan money to small businesses? Why did I not know that?)

10.Parsley recall (nobody eats parsley)

I WANT to thank ib at The Habitual Hobbit for this award. I should have done my duty immediately and followed all protocols and procedures, but face it. I am lame. and lazy. and well, busy. doing stuff. all kinds of stuff. lots of stuff...mostly lazy. BTW...ib is awesome. you need to check him out and hit the follow button...do it!

I am an award whore, but lame/lazy none-the-less. Perhaps one day I will get around to making a page for me display of my award whore~ish~ness. Or not. I can barely figure out how to post this stuff on one page so why complicate it with two or three...

welcome new BIA SimpleDude at simple dude complex world This guy rocks the bloggersphere! If you are not following him...well, you are just plain missing out!

so...

besides...

and all that...

I have to pass this on to three other BIA. Jus' Sayin'

This is the toughest thing I have ever done. In all my life. Fo.rev.er. Seriously. Difficult. I mean it is not like choosing between Jif and another peanut butter, or between smooth and crunchy. Well, it is not as difficult as quitting smoking...sh*t...I think I just started again. Oh, the stress...

Not really, but...

I have so many people I love. So many blogs that rock my socks. (Hey, if I am following you I think you rock...and I have great taste..Just ask me!) You all make me do the Tom Cruise Underwear Dance. (in my head of course...i'll explain later.)

i happen to be passing this along to the following BIA..

Pearl at pearl-whyyoulittle

Pearl is a gem. Pearls are gems as well.  Her blog is filled with gems...It always makes me laugh. If you want to be entertained Pearl is your girl!!! And she is a published writer! (i will be purchasing her book as soon as i find a full-time job, and i may just buy two, cuz they are so inexpensive! and she is sooo good!)

Lynne H at bits of paper and glue.

She says she is not a great poet, but I disagree. Every post makes me think. And since poetry works on the literal and the symbolic level, well, read her stuff and tell her what you think. (And she will be co-conspiratoring with my EvilTwin, shortly)

Semi True Torystellar at Can U Relate? 

Simply a great read! She has been busy with the holiday season, cuz she works in the online retailer sector. (that would be FUN!?!) She does all kinds of cyberwebber hocus-pocus...but now that the season is winding down she will be posting more frequently (i hope...) 

I believe the next phase of this award is to reveal 5 guilty pleasures. or mebbe I was supposed to do this first. editing is a bitch and once stuff is on the page, i do not want it to disappear in cyber cosmos...

so many of the things i like that may be construed as a guilty pleasure, as regular readers can attest to and already know about...here's somethings you don't know..mebbe...

1. The Tom Cruise Underwear Dance. 

Oh hey I already gave you this one...see video above...Imagine that dance by a guy with two left feet, older and BeerGutted, and mix in a little bit a ton of the "WhiteMansOverbite" . So, Yeah. I do this in my head. but frequently. i may be doing it right now. i may be naked.

2. Christmas Music.

I would listen to Christmas Music year 'RoundYonVirgin... sometimes I have been known to belt out the Little Drummer Boy during long commutes. In July or August. Oh, and in the shower, when the family is MIA...any time of year...be right back...

I was just singing one now...

3. I really liked the movie Definitely Maybe...I have seen it more than once. All the way through.

and mostly cuz of  isla fisher...I have said enough about that.

4. I go commando whenever I do not have clean underwear, or the mood strikes me. Not so much in the winter. cuz it's just too cold to be FreeBallin'...sometimes i wear undies outside the pants...

5.  Sometimes I go to Kara's blog and don't leave a comment just to see if any kittens just die...just kidding. (no. no, he's not...he can be quite EvilTwinish...i know i live in his head as well) ...

6.Ha fooled ya...I be you thought I was gonna go all overachiever on your asses...not so much...

peace out yo!

Just Another Day In Paradise!!!

TuckMonster does Tuesday!(Tues dec 28)

TRENDING NOW~!!! TRENDING NOOOOOO!!!!

1.Aretha Franklin (still kicking? She died on twitter…f*ing twits)

2.Beyonce (has a nice rack)

3.Mike Singletary (fired!)

4.Rachel Weisz (hot)

5.Kindle (books on ipod)

6.Ginnifer Goodwin (actress with and odd name)

7.Hugh Hefner (old as f*ck)

8.iPad (only works on human touch)

9.Snowfall totals (it’s winter, who cares, snow in summer, that would be news)

10.Bond funds (are a great way to save money, or not, depending on who you ask)

twas the night before after christmas...
and all through the house...
 i was ready to chew.chew. chew.
and play. play play.

Hi. I'm Tucker. I am a puppy! This was quite a week. Daddy and I played. A.LOT. We went on a bunch of rides in the truck. We went ev.er.ry.where. It was fun. But it is always fun. fun. fun. When I am with daddy.

Mommy and Mylibean got home about the same time as Daddy and I on Thursday. The house was cold. It turns out the thing in the scary, noisy room (furnace) was not working. Daddy went in the scary, noisy room where the noises are and started to cuss. Mommy said it sounded like that scene from the movie *A Christmas Story.* I do not know what that means, but Mommy was laughing. I licked her face.

This week MCT was cancelled, cuz Cookie is kinda lame (daddy's words) and had all kinds of excuses, so I did not get to play with Bently. Instead I played with daddy. He said we were gonna play WinterCampin'. I am  not sure what that means, but we went SummerCampin' and that was fun. but that was for.ever. ago. Back when I was a little puppy. I am a big puppy now.

Daddy and me went to get some wood and he said we would make a fire, just like at WinterCamping. I agreed that we should just play. play .play. You get very warm when you play. So I played  and Daddy watched the REDWINGS.

He was watching the REDWINGS, and they were not doing well, cuz daddy was cussing and stuff. I told daddy we should just play. he agreed. we played. He got tired and sat in his chair. Then he watched the REDWINGS. And cussed some more. I went up stairs, but it was cold up there so I came back down and slept.

Then daddy and I went back upstairs and slept. For a long time.

I guess the thing in the noisy room is working again, cuz daddy and I did not play WinterCamping anymore.

The next day Daddy took me to see Gramma J. She just LOVES me. But then everyone does. Cuz I am cute. But I will write about that next week...Cuz this week...

I just Celebrated my first ever Christmas. I got lots of things to  chew on. I opended lots of presents. Some of them were even mine! It was fun. fun. fun. Everyone was laughing and smiling. so was I. I ran around and played. a.lot. and chewed. a.lot.

On the next day (actual Chrismas Day) I went to see Gramma W. And I met a little dog named Beau, and I saw my friend named Teddy. Niether Beau, nor Teddy were much fun. But I am. I am a lot of fun! beau is really old. Older than daddy. Teddy is just kinda fat, and grumpy. but not me! I am fun.fun. fun.

Daddy said that Christmas was actually Saturday, but we were going to celebrate with mommy and Mylibean and Mr.Saturday on Sunday. Then he said.Blah.blah.blah. Cuz I stopped listening. I was looking at all the treats. And then I licked daddy's face, so he laughed. And then I grabbed a toy. And started playin. playin playin.

me and daddy with his hockey sweater...

I bought daddy a new hockey sweater. It says Zetterburg and has the number 40 on it. It is cool! Daddy loves it. But then daddy loves me, even more than he loves the REDWINGS!!!! and we all know how much he loves the REDWINGS!!!!...And I got some things to chew on. chew. chew. chew!





i got you, mr tiger!!!



daddy said this is a candy cane...
Daddy said it looks like something else.
mommy said daddy was being naughty...

 I bought mommy a sweater. It is the color daddy calls purple. It is soft. Like Mommy. And I got some things to chew on. Chew. chew. chew.Play.Play.Play!

I bought Mylibean and Christopher each a LIONS sweater that says 44 and Best on the back. And (daddy says) the LIONS have won three straight! They both loved it! And I got some puppy treats. Cuz i am the Best puppy in the world! treats.treats.treats.

Christmas is about the things that you remember about the people in your life. And (daddy says Crown Royal, which is a REALLY GOOD candiyan Whisker) the time you spend with your family. And Playin' and Chewin'. Cuz really, what does daddy know. I am a puppy. I know ev.ery.thi.ng! Family and playin and chewin. what else is there, really?

Oh yeah. Bunnies and squirels!

I am  happy and tired puppy. I have survived WinterCamping in the basement, and my first ever Christmas. I got lots of toys so this week I will be playin'. Playin. Playin.

I hope your christmas was very full of playin. chewin. and family!

gotta go! gotta go! gotta go!

 



come on baby...light my fire...(monday dec 27)

TRENDING NOOOO!!!!TRENDING NOOOOO!!!!!

1.Teena Marie (dead)

2.Christina Hendricks (big boobs)

3.Hugh Jackman (retires)

4.Bristol Palin (pregnant again…)

5.Jane Fonda's Workout (can I do this while eating a cheeseburger?)

6.Avril Lavigne (sings some songs)

7.Fitness plans (suck)

8.James Franco (caught smoking weed)

9.Health insurance (is just a ripoff)

10.Biutiful (how do you spell that?)

Welcome new BIA

Semi True Torystellar  at Can U Relate...free-thinking witha  hot avatar!! check her out and drop her a line in the comments section....cuz all the cool kids are doing it...you do want to be cool and all that right? I knew you did...


thisisme is the latest winner of the Petey...congrats!

I was gonna do some award stuff, but face it kids, i am lame. and lazy. if i come up with an easy for cheesy post like this one i'm gonna be all over it like a pornstar...sometimes they just write themselves. look for award stuff on wednesday,,,cuz we all know wednesday night is a good night for bloglove...

i missed you all, so now im back for a few days and then back on vacation...

cuz that's how i roll.
_________________________________________________________________

The weather outside is not fit for man nor beast. I am thankful I am not living on the street. I drive past these poor souls frequently and am thankful I am not one of them. *but for the grace...go I*

the following post is in real time...tic toc..tic toc...

The answer was coming home and hanging out with the TuckMonster, a few toddies, and a WINGS game. Yup. That was the idea. That WAS the answer. But I was in the  Alex Trebek alternative universe. AND I was stuck.

The question was what will Bruce do on the night before the night before Christmas...The question BECAME.... WTF is wrong with the furnace. I walked in the door and could feel the temperature was not quite right. Bummer dude.

It is 61 degrees F in the house. (On the main floor)

Thursday night, the night before the night before Christmas, is not the best of times to have a furnace go out, and I only find this stuff out the hard way. Life is a harsh task master. Actually, no time in the 9 month Michigan winter is a good time for the furnace to puke.

It needs to be fixed. I call my Landlord. I get voice mail. Prolly cuz she has my number in her phone and it is usually a problem for her to have to figure out when I call. I do not know. She prolly looks at it and…straight to voicemail…

There is also the California to Michigan time difference. No worries. I can never get this simple concept of time and where in the USA it changes or how many hours difference, quite right. So don’t even ask me to figure out what year it is, in, like, say Australia…

I then instruct my wife to take the chillin and go to her mom’s house where they would be safe, cuz it is too cold to stay here. I will make the supreme sacrifice and stay here with the TuckMonster. I toss my glasses from my face and rip open my shirt, revealing a large S for SuperBruce!!! .(L for LoserBruce) 

“Honey, save yourself and Mylibbean! I will handle this furnace debacle!”

Okay, I lied, they were going there anyway. The TuckMonster and I were OTR (And the WINGS were on!!!!)

Bo~nus! (Sing-song voice!))

But first, the little problem of the heat and furnace issue. I wander into the furnace room and contort myself like a yoga master to see if I can figure out WTF is wrong.  I IMMEDIATELY figure out the flame is not flaming. Cuz I am a genius like that.

Let me just say yoga is crazy, until you need it. If you don't practice it, a prescription to vicodin or several canadian whiskeys will help the after effects of said non-yogis. I am a non-yogi. I took both.

Meanwhile.

What to do?

My wife hits me upside the head with hands me the phone book. I turn to heating and cooling. The cooling part is fine. I am concerned with the heating.

I call ALLLLLLLL (at least the ones that have big splashy phone numbers) the “24 HOUR” HVAC companies. They all have answering services. Thankfully, the services all speak English and not Foreignish.

I wait.

And wait.

And f*ing wait some more.

Finally, some jackweasel calls me back.

And says “Well, until I hear from your landlord, I cannot fix your furnace.”

“Dude, I will pay you. I can work it out with her later. The WINGS are on tonight and I will be damned if I do not get to watch them from the comfort of my ManCave” I implore the guy on the phone.

“Sorry, no can do.” He doesn't even respond with an obligatory "dude"... the bastage!

It is now 59 degrees F. (On the main floor)

The ManCave is colder still...funny thing about cold air, it sinks. (or warm air rises, I REALLY shoulda paid a bit more attention to my HS physics class...)

He calls back and says they are not doing any new rental accounts. I am outta luck.

Fine. Whatever. His company will never get my business, now. Vredervoodg, or however you spell it. Your name is mud in my book...

The ladies leave, saving themselves, and TuckMonster and I start a fire to keep warm. WinterCamping! Relax, kids, we have a fireplace, so, no, I did not start a fire on the carpet. Or a fifty-five gallon drum...Actually, we have two fireplaces. One fireplace is in the ManCave and one is in the main floor living room.

In the USA, or the land of USIES, (more on that in a future post) we live in the lap of luxury. We Take for granted the things like heat and A/C. We expect it. Until it goes horribly wrong. We are all just this close to living on the street. Or at least living like we were on the street. Then we panic. And cry like little school bitches kids. I, however, am The Last Boy Scout. (Not the Bruce Willis Movie...)

We retire to the Mancave, the TuckMonster and I, with fire roaring and behaving perfectly inside the fire box, and turn on the game. (It is heating up quite nicely)

I called every 24 hour service place and got no other replies.

24 hour service my ass!

It is now 56 degrees F. (On the main floor)

Finally, I hear from my landlord. She has arranged for her Jack-of-all-trades to come over and fix it.

YAY!

He can’t be there till the next morning.

Booooo!

It is now 51 degrees F. (OTMF)

The wings lose.

It is now 49 degrees F. (OTMF)

We run out of wood. The fire goes out. I go upstairs. Upon crossing the threshold of the stairway, I have snotsicles forming on my nose. It is seriously cold. I search in vane for my fingerless gloves.

The TuckMonster jumps onto and I crawl into, the bed.

What a fine way to start out my holiday weekend. Good thing I started growing a beard like six months ago. For playoff hockey. Last season. I just never shaved it.

It is 44degrees F.(OTMF) My harmonica has frozen to my lips on a spitbubble.

I fit in well with the rest of the bums on the street.

Just Another Day In Parrdise!