i have a drivers...re post

TRENDING NOW!!!!TRENDING NOOOOO!!!!! 

1.Bristol Palin( NO WAY!!!wtf HAS SHE BEEN?)

2.Britney Spears (IF she were fat and ugly, she’d never have had a career)

3.Mel Gibson (prolly stepped in it again)

4.Mobile phones (work best when thrown out a car window)

5.Adam Sandler (funny guy)

6.Helen Mirren (had a face lift) 7.Diddy-Dirty Money (I hate rap)

8.Netflix (buy stock now!) 9.Invisible braces (where are they?)

10.X-37B (crashes..no survivors)

i would like to welcome new follower Pearl from Pearl, Why you little... Check her out or you are missing out. Witty, articulate, smart and a bit sassy, but most of all a great read...

please note: since i am kinda *Cat's in the Cradle* right now, i felt a re post is in order...most of you have not read this and those of you long timers...i have made a few modifications...

one of my all time favorite posts...

     I have a driver's license (re post of dec 08, 2010)

     I have a driver’s license. In Michigan they are known as an operator’s license. That strikes fear into my heart. Does that mean that the act of driving is an operation? If it is then I am doctor.

I will,

from this day forward,

be known as Dr. Johnson.

     I am always amazed by the trouble people that have an operator’s license have operating a vehicle. Hey, I know accidents happen. People misjudge the time it will take to perform the various operations involved in operating a vehicle. However it is a scientific fact that two objects cannot occupy the same space at the same time. I have been the cause of accidents and have been the victim of others malfeasance. No blood, no foul.

And thank God for that.

    The other day I was operating my vehicle and I saw the following atrocities. The first operation that was diametrically opposed to operating a vehicle was a guy reading the paper. He nearly rear ended a SUV. A little while later I saw a woman putting on make-up. She nearly hit a pedestrian. Then I witnessed a person drexting. This person nearly ran a red light. Another operator was playing air drums and air guitar. This rocker nearly ran me of the road.

Opinionflash: there is enough multitasking going on in a vehicle just to operate it let alone the other aforementioned functions

     I went to party few years back and did not know many of the other guests. That never stops me from rubbing elbows with the glittering literati of the vacation town in which I lived. Someone asked me what I did for a living. I did not want to tell them the truth. I wanted to do something unusual. I reached into spinzone. I told them I was an insurance actuary. It sounded good. I really did not know what an actuary did.

I Still do not.

But that is not the point.

     I stood there with my clip on shades and long, curly red hair, covered by a doo-rag, wearing a white tee-shirt and jeans with a flannel tied around my waste. I did not want to use the usual true~ness of I live in a van and am a street performer.

bo~O~O~oring. (singsong voice)

(not really...busking was cool, but...)

    I followed with a little yarn about how my job was to go to traffic accidents and gather up the broken glass and take it back to my state-of-the-art laboratory. Once there, I would carefully reconstruct the glass to find out if dirty glass was the cause of the accident. The other people seemed to buy what I was selling. A lot of smiling and nodding went on. After a while, I actually may have believed it myself.

I was in the spinzone.

It was A~W~E~some (singsong voice)

     I moved on with the spin and came up with other factoids about this “new” career I had just adopted. It was fun. I rolled out more BS than SlickWilly chatting up a young, female capitol hill intern. They probably thought I was drunk.

I probably was.

Well, I know I was drinking.

     If today, I were to have the similar situation, I would spin this in a new direction. I would add the factoid that I gathered the stuff in the vehicle and did all kinds of calculations and simulations to determine what non-driving function was involved in the altercation. Sounds like my dream job. Sounds like a lot of fun. And i know I would have an awesome collection of lipstick, eyeliner, cell phones, newspapers, novels and an awesome air drum kit and a sweet air guitar.

Just another day in paradise

a mixed bag...

We interrupt the regularly scheduled brodcast of thematic photo Friday... 

this will be a newpost and a repost....

new post!  

     As many of you know, I am unemployed. However, I seem to be extremely busy. And not just bloggering. I have actually been attempting to find work, so my 14 blogs (JADIP and Bruce's EvilTwin) a week will prolly be coming to an end soon, as I will be actually be out contributing to society on a more responsible basis. and paying taxes...(So the banks can get bailed out yet again, cuz you know the Bankstards will f-up the program with their greedy MC Greedenstein approach to bankstardization...)

    That is saddening. Not just the  Bankstard thing, but more importantly the bloggering... I was really enjoying the never ending cycle of Blog/comment/respond/rinse/lather/repeat...  Rest assured I will visit all of the blogs I follow, and will still be writing. My hope is I can keep the frenetic pace and continue...

But if I seem to be MIA, it is only cuz i have to f*ing work...

I would also like to welcome new BIA's ..... wait for it...wait for it...

   Wally J at funooze  a family friendly blog with goofy fun with a good message.
   Oilfield Trash at Make daddy a sammich , intelligent and coarse, AND REALLY funny. He always leaves me smiling, even if it is at his expense and he misses out on all the leftovers :) BTW!!! Hey man! thanks for the bloglove in your post today!!!
    The uninspired blogger at the uninspired blogger, who is actually not as uninspired as you might think by the name...
     Please check these blogs out and then write a two-page report ,single spaced and get it back to me.

nah, screw the report, and just check them out...

TRENDING NOW!!!!TRENDING NO!!!!

1.Danica McKellar (who?)2.Elisabeth Hassehoff (david)3.Heath Ledger (DEAD)4.Janice Dickinson (angie)5.Christmas cards (e-cards save the whales)6.Bristol Palin (OFFS...please stop googling this wench)7.X-37B (a new robot just in time for the holidays) 8.Disney town murder (jealous Minnie, slays Mickey)9.Ron Paul (coulda won)10.Obama pardons (Bruce's EvilTwin)

repost...(the second blog I posted for the JADIP blog)

Sheila the girl in my GPS

    I am directionally challenged. Okay, let’s not be politically correct. I suck at finding my way from one point to another. I have lived in Grand Rapids for most of my life. I still forget where I am going or how to get there. Anyone that has ridden with me knows I can drive. They also know I can get lost. Safely, well, that may be a point of contention.

    Google maps and Map Quest are great, but my laptop is not as mobile as I am. I have enough to do while driving. Smoking, phone calls, drinking coffee, fidgeting with the stereo, putting on lip gloss, taking notes, and breathing use up any or all the available multitasking ability I have. Add a computer or a bunch of printed maps and “Houston we have a problem” is an understatement.

    I tried the GPS on my cell phone. It was an adventure in and of itself. To be kind, it really sucked. More bars in more places? Yeah, right. When you lose signal, the GPS freezes and you miss your turn. Or hit something. Or just stop driving. Or throw the phone out the window. The phone GPS experiment failed.

    Since I travel a few miles a day I go to places that I have never been to and places I have been to many times. I am alone in the car. I get lost, and I have to pull over and find the proper paper map and figure out what street I am near and how to get back on track to get to where I need to go.

    Work is enough work. I needed to simplify. I needed to stop getting lost. I did the only logical thing. I bought a GPS unit. It only has one available voice. It is a woman. I named her Sheila. Did I mention I am alone in the car? Not any more.

    I have a boss. I have a wife. I have a mom. I have two children. I have all these people that like to tell me what to do. I NEEDED another voice in my head that tells me where to go and what to do. I NEEDED to have a way to get to where I am going. For mankind’s sake, it is best for society that I am focused on driving. Thankfully, for all of you I have Sheila. Thankfully, Sheila has a mute button.

     She is not a good conversationalist. She cannot seem to pronounce some words. She mispronounces the street we live on. She is insistent on how we get there. She does not like to take the route I want to take. She always tells me what to do. However, she never complains thank god for that when I make a wrong turn. She just recalculates the directions. And then tells me where to go.

     Today I drove in circles in the parking ramp. And not just to annoy Sheila. I actually missed the exit turn 3 times.
Sheila kept on asking me “when possible make a u-turn”
and “Drive to the nearest road.”
“I am trying to do that, Shelia.” was my terse reply.
I really NEEDED another voice telling me what to do.
I hit the mute button.

Just another day in paradise

the most important invention (repost)

since i am trying to find work, and get a new business started, i have a few less hours to blog...thankfully i have a bunch of older posts that have some merit...this is a repost from nearly a year ago..when i had like 3 followers (one of which was me) 
to all of you longtime follwers, you can skip this post, but you will be sorry...

    Indoor plumbing has probably changed the way we live more than any other advancement of our modern world. Yeah, you can bring up HDTV, cell phones, and laptops. They are all cool gadgets. They are not necessities. They are nice to have, but not needed. Anyone that NEEDS these items, well, NEEDS to reconfigure the priorities of life. Yup, I have all these items. I would be willing to trade them all and some cash for a clean toilet when I am on the road and have a turtle-head poking at the cloth.

    There is no option in a vehicle called a Redi-Jon, or some similar item. Unless you are wearing a diaper like that crazy astronaut lady, you have to find a toilet. Outside of your vehicle. If I were in charge of designing cars, I would figure THAT option out. I would figure out the car seat Redi-Jon. I would make it so number two…

    When a toilet is functioning properly, it is an under appreciated thing of beauty. When it is not handling the business of its business; it is a disaster of biblical proportions. I have unclogged a few toilets in my day. I have removed a few toilets that have the spoils of the day still in them. Not because I wanted to, but if the plunger does not work, there is another reason that the throne is clogged. Unfortunately for me, to get to the point where it can be un-stuck, some times you have to pull the bugger up and that can be unpleasant.

     All that being said the other day, while I was in a public facility, I noticed a sign above the stool. It said, “DO NOT PUT ANYTHING BUT TOILET PAPER IN THE TOILET.” I took this message to mean that you could still carry out vital life functions as the toilet is designed to handle, but not to put, oh I don’t know, anything like Snickers wrappers, used fan belts, socks, or PAPER TOWELS in the orifice of flushability.

     There is something wrong with a society that has to be told not to flush anything but TP and human excrement. OK, occasionally I have driven to the porcelain bus. I will give vomit its toilet pass as well. However, hurling out the window at highway speeds is also a thing that should be tried once in your life. Just for the sheer excitement of it. You will understand why dogs put their heads out the window after that classic drinking debacle.

     Toilets 101, people, would tell us that the size of the hole in the bottom of the toilet is the maximum size of objects that can be readily flushed. The typical home has three inch or four inch main waste lines. These lines are hard material. They are not expandable to accommodate objects larger than the diameter of the pipe.

     I understand the principle of the sewer. Excrement does indeed run down hill. When it comes back up hill there is a reason. The objects that clog a DWV (drain waste vent) pipe are usually NOT supposed to be in the line, or not in the amount that they are. It is like a dam on a river. It’s got to go somewhere. Who am I kidding; it is almost always something that should not be flushed. It is usually a snickers wrapper, a fan belt, paper towel or sometimes a tennis shoe.

Just another day in paradise

wednesday night's a great night for bloglove...

TRENDING NOW!!!! TRENDING NO!!!!

1.Sextillion (how many followers i should have) 2.Reese Witherspoon (hotty hot hot hot)

3.Jon Gruden (dumb jock) 4.Pompeii collapse (or my last bundt cake experiment)

5.Depression drugs (make me sad)

6.Kim Zolciak (another reason to...i forgot...whatever...)

7.Hanukkah (happy hapy) 8.Susan Boyle (???)

9.Unemployment benefits (are not enough cash to live on)

10.Background checks Big brother is watching over you)

   it is official. my editor quit. he sucked anyway, but now i have to do all the edits, so if this is worse than the usual unrefined BS, sorry...well, not so much, but..

    It is official. In the month of November, I managed to sucker cajole amass 1037 page views. That is 30 over hits a day...34.567 to be exact....and my mom doesn't even read my blog...I know, who is the .567 page views? Prolly the TuckMonster. He is only a little over half a human...i know that is not that much, but c'mon, my mom doesn't even read this so that has to count for something, right ...i mean a mom is good for at least 10 hits a day right?....however...I gotta say...

A BIG THANK YOU!!!

   The best part of blogeringglife is sharing. Our thoughts, our hopes, our dreams and...AWARDS!!! I got two this month and one a hell of a long time ago, but i did not have any one to give it to, so there..so now it is time to pay it forward..

    

firstly.... the Creative Blogger award.

I got this from Carol Lynn at pop and ice way back when i first started bloggering,

but i did not follow too many blogs so I just kept it... 

this award is going to

    Chrissy at Kalie's Best Friend cuz she is very creative and i (and TuckMonster) yike her stuff.. she makes an awesome collage and then has a post that ties it all together..check her out!!
  Karen at My Blather, by Karen Sather, cuz she always has a great group of pictures and. and. stuff.
like poems and little quick read stories...and cuz she's from Minnesota, where I was conceived...
    Barb at this and that cuz she always has a great blog and was my first BIA at the EVILTWIN site...
    Lynne H. at Bits of paper and Glue pics, poems and an awesome style. plus she thinks i am funny...
   
if you don't check out these blogs you will be missing out...

secondly....the happy !)! 101 award. and since i do not know who has what f*ing award, i am just gonna throw it out there...if you have it twice, sorry, just pay it forward to someone else and what ever...but i am giving it to you because of what you mean to me and my bloggeringlife
i got this from Mustang Sally at functional kaos

  
    Krissy at Talkative Taurus. She is a sports fan, so I love that about her, and she is thinking about adopting a pet...eventho' it is a cat... and she is a great person...even if she is a Pens fan...but we are still friends... and her blog is real and I like that about her. Go check her out.
    Sarah at sandpit diaries...She alerted me to the fact that my EvilTwin is banned in UAE...and BTW, Sarah, due to a glitch in my follow BIA button I realized I am not following you, but I will correct that soon...
   Minx at dribble... a Australian of impeccable taste...she also has another blog that is kinda naughty, but i confess to having sneaking a peak at it a couple times...
check these out as well...these bloggerers are the bomb-diggity!!
   Cb Michaels at Canadian Blogger Girl...she needs a bit of happy happy joy joy and...BTW, your husband will go to the doc as soon as he can't handle it any more....like when you start peein' blood...Jus' sayin'

 tanned hide blog award...

I got this award from Kara at  visions unto myself

these people all follow my other blog,

but when you have as many personalities as i do...

they all just blend together...



      Mrs. Hyde at a bitch called mom.  I  know she just got this award from Kara at  visions unto myself but I was gonna do it before she did. But Kara doesn't write two blogs..and she is cool, so I guess great minds think alike..and it is the thought that counts... and Mrs. Hyde is a self proclaimed Awards whore, so WTF.. plus, she will have to give it out to two people...and that is work, so she will love me for that..
     Oilfield Trash at make daddy a sammich cuz he rocks and all that...he is a funny, funny guy,  follow him or i will be disappointed...and we all know at This time of year it is not good to disappoint people..
   it snowed to day...i feel a nasty bout of tourette's Syndrome comin' on...better get over to the EvilTwin Blog and purge my nasty...
    The Empress at the ranters box...cuz she rolls like evil twin does but not as coarse...and is funny and a ranter...check her out...

   i love blog love and it truly is

tuesday with TuckMonster v4





TRENDING NOW!!!! TRENDING NO!!!!

 1. puppy love  no TuckMonster...

1.New York earthquake (rocking the big apple) 2.Eliza Dushku (exotic hot) 3.Kara DioGuardi (no idea who this is will somebody google it for me?)4.Vitamin supplements (drugs) 5.Credit cards (are very bad for you)
6.Michael Douglas (old guy) 7.Kardashian debit cards (very stupid) 8.Hair restoration (bald faced lie) 9.Carnie Wilson( fat again?) 10.Eva Longoria (super hot)

. 

no i am not wearing contacts





     this week i was with daddy a lot. we were OTR. i do not know what that means to daddy but i know what it means to me. it means playin'. playin'. playin'. and sleepin in daddy's bed. and drinkin daddy's candyian whiskers.  

yucky daddy pop!

     although i promised Mustang Sally at functionalkaos i would not drink daddy's drink, this weekend i did. right after a made him drop it. cuz he was not payin' attention to me. so i jumped from my couch to his chair and the drink spilleded. i did not get much and it was yucky anyway, but i think daddy's red hair was agoin' as he says... 

     gdammit! tucker! which is not my name...cuz my name is tucker, not gdammit tucker. daddy is so funny. i think he is old and he forgets a bunch of stuff. like that my name is tucker, not gdammit tucker. 

     ....but then we were playin'. playin'. playin'. cuz dady loves me. he says i am the bestest dog in the whole world. and he proves it to me cuz he takes me everywhere. like to the big orange store. where he buys stuff to cuss at. like that stuff he put around the scary area in mommy's and mylibeans bathroom. daddy called it a shower from hell.

     i don't know what hell is , but i do know i will not go more than three steps into a bathroom. and daddy was in there a long, long, loooooong time. fixing something. and cussing.

    i was ready to play...so i went and got all my toys. well, all of them that i could find cuz i have lots and lots of them. and i set them all by the door. and daddy tripped over them. then he bounced around and fell on the ground like he was ready to play. i jumped on him. and again he called me gdammit tucker. and then he laughed and said, "go for a ride?" i got all wiggly-jiggily, and ran to the truck.

   we got in the truck and we had to go back to the orange store. daddy was cussing about plumbering and three trips for everyf*ing plumbering job...he did not seem happy. but i was. i. was. happy. happy. happy. cuz iwas goin' for a ride. with daddy.

    when we got to the orange store and i jumped out of the truck. daddy made me get back in the truck. i was not happy.not. happy. at. all. so i dumped daddys cup of coffee over while he was gone. and i found a stick in the backseat so i chewed that up in daddy's seat. he was not happy either...again he called me gdammit tucker...is that my real name? i don't think so...my name is tucker...

    so we played all weekend. i slept on daddy's bed. i played with all my toys and went on lots of rides. we watched lots of sports and daddy stared at the 'puter a bunch. i barked at him all the time to get him to play with me. cuz we played a lot.

   mommy and mylibean came home from where ever they were and it was all kinds of happiness cuz they were gone for like three dog years...or four days. i don't know but it.seemed.like.for.ev.er. they bought me a new collar. daddy laughed at it and said it was girlish. which must mean it is cool.cool.cool.



see my new girly collar...girly must mean cool!!!

i find it funny that when mommy ad mylibean are home daddy does not call me gdammit tucker. not at all...there's a squirrel...gotta go! gotta go! gotta go!

more bloggerese...please...

TRENDING NO!!!!TRENDING NOW!!!

1.Jared Leto (musican/actor of little talent)  2.NeNe Leakes (real bitch from Atlanta) 3.Kate Middleton (sexy, but would be sexier if she followed my blog)  4.Stella McCartney (overpriced crap) 5.Depression (to sade)  6.Wal-Mart  (please boycott) 7.George Harrison (dead Beatle)  8.Wilson Phillips (lost a bunch of weight or got really fat) 9.Stuxnet virus (sucks)  10.3D TVs (wait for it to come down in price, can you say beta player?)

Mustang Sally fr bloggerese (must ang sal ly) A great blogger pal. If you are not following her blog, you are missing out. Visit her at Functional Kaos. or my eviltwin will move into your basement and drink all your....wait i think i have used this threat before...ok if i have to stop this blog and force your browser, your gonna be VERY sorry!!!

Minx fr bloggerese (Mynx) A new follower. Visit her at Dribble.... for a tasty dose of down under...

Bouncing Barb fr bloggerese (Bounc in Barb) A new follower. Visit her at Bouncin Barb... for an excellent bounc through this and that...

dingta fr bloggerese (ding ta) The sound made by a malfunctioning doorbell.  The doorbell did not chime correctly *ding-dong* instead it went ding-ta, shortly before I hit it with a hammer. Then it was REALLY fixed.

facties fr bloggerese (fact ies) Assholes spouting facts that are not based on any kind of reality or fact. Kinda like my blog.  Cliff Claven was an expert at pouting facties. EvilTwin may spout some facties as well...

cousner fr bloggerese (cous ner) A step-cousin. My step-kids have three cousner's. They are my sister's kids

cuzed fr bloggerese (cuz ed) Having sex with a cousin. In Montucky, there is a class in high school called cuzed.

readew fr bloggerese (read eeewwww) A really bad text message. (see here and here)

seysawa fr bloggerese (say saw a) The Inuit Tribe that decided to not cross the land bridge and perished in northern Russia. The Seysawa tribe has not been seen for a long time. Say what?

bloutpot  fr bloggerese (blout pot) Really really bad weed. The car accident didn't harsh my buzz as much as the bloutpot.

valiouta fr bloggerese (val ay out a) The act of a valet bringing your car back from valetville.  I was waitng way to long for the valiouta, and I got really cold.

tranopat fr bloggerese (armys fug) Pat..if I`have to explain this you need to youtube it...

rator fr bloggerese (ra tor) A person that fills out numerous cyberweb surveys. My mother fills out a survey every day, she is a rator.

malls fr bloggerese (malls) seriously? You need to ask what this means?

dished fr bloggerese (dish ed) Tossing a pass in basketball. Rip dished to Tayshon in the paint!...He scores!!!

award fr bloggerese (a ward)  A prize given to DESERVING people. Like Me! yup! I got another award, from my pal and BIA MUSTANG SALLY....thank you! thank you! THANK YOU!!!!

thank you fr bloggerese (thank you)  A phrase of gratitude. I want to say thank you everyone that reads this blog and of course MUSTANG SALLY, cuz she bestowed this prize to me...

Just Another Day In Paradise fr bloggerese (JADIP) it is Just Another Day In Paradise!!!