Make French toast….it’s the only explanation…

"I believe there r people living among us that r aliens like in men in black-it’s the only explanation!" *totally out of context and lifted from a tongue and cheek (???) response by my friend Marci)* and this gem..."well how else do you explain Larry King? I mean he barley even tries to look like a human!".....many thanks again Marci, as Marciism is a catalyst for a blog…
     There are many things in this world that confuse me. Why we do not understand each other, while struggling to exist on the same small planet is a mindbaffler. I have exhausted my research about 7 ½ minutes  and have decided there is only one explanation. There are Aliens among us. It’s the only explanation. With the help of the interweb and thru the magic of bloggering, maybe we can all figure this out. How about a little tolerance to those that are different
    It’s like I always say, when life hands you lemons, make French toast. Well, I don’t really always say that in fact, I have never said that until now, but I think I will start. it makes as much sense as anything else i come up with to fill up spasce on these diatribes of dynamic dumbfoundery.
     Anything that you can’t explain is always much more easily explained by taking things out of context, embellishment and imagination. Many people believe that religion was started by embellishment of imagination. Some believe it was brought here by aliens. The new world order of cell phones, I-pods, and twits is the only proof I need. poeple are wierd and hence, there are Aliens among us…It’s the only explanation.
     I have had couple of weirdo customers lately. I know I am a weirdo magnet, but these customers are disarmingly weird and unsettlingly difficult. I think they may be Aliens. As the week winds down, I reflect on some interesting facts…
     Fact 1. I am funny. But some people do not find me humorous. Shocking, I know. It may surprise you, but it is true. They must be Aliens. Or stupid
    Fact 2. I am not as funny as I think I am. say it ain’t so, Bruce. And I blame this on the Aliens as well. So, I guess I will be taknig all these lemons read:Aliens  and making some French toast for a while…
     Tucker, the Wonderdog, is afraid of planes. I know it sounds weird,not alien weird but it is true. Yeah, he is all tough and stuff when it comes to other dogs, ducks, birds, bunnies, fireflies and all kinds of creepy crawly things, but when a plane flies over, he looks for the nearest place to hide…Thank god I found my mind’s eye mental imaging camera when I cleaned my car last weekend. If the picture is a little blurry it is because of the stale French fry grease, as it was laying in a pile of oopsmissedthemouth-fries

     Maybe he knows something we don’t...maybe they are really UFO’s…I would ask him, but he speaks in dog, and I think I fell asleep during the verbal portion of that 9 week class during tenth grade…I think I know I was awake for the non-verbal parts of that class, because I think and act eerily similarly to a dog. This may bee a past life transgression penance thing, but really, who knows.

    Dogs are good judges of character and hence also are excellent at detecting aliens. Cats…Not so much…Sorry, cat people…However, cats may be aliens as well. I do know this; if you were the same size as a cat, it would find a way to eat you. A dog would only find a way to hump you, regardless of size, but never mind and dog people know that humping is an expression of dominance. Eating you on the other hand is an expression of killing you…ask yourself which is better, humped or dead? Jus’ sayin’…

     As much as Tucker who has great difficulty spelling, just like daddy would like this blog to be all about him and dogs, it is not, it is about Aliens…And speaking of close encounters of the third weird kind…

     I have been working for a couple of people that are very weird to me. It stretches my tolerance. It tries my patience. It Alienates me from them. Let’s be honest, I need a LOT of French toast for these two.

     The first one even had a weird name. Kind of like she made it up. I will even say spacey, but I will also keep it private, as a writer has to protect his source. damn those Aliens

     FACT: NO ONE says CAIO (or however it is spelled) at the end of a conversation since it was cool about 30 years ago. Except Aliens. They may say that. They probably would say that. It would seem she got the Rosetta Stone 1980’s speak edition. I don’t know, did they have Rosetta Stone back then?  It kinda creeps me out. Oh well, Aliens a re people too.

    The second customer is just odd. He is very self-focused. I know I am as well, but we are not talking about me. Matter of fact, I barely can say what I need to when talking to this guy. He is an over-talker. And an interrupter. And yes I think he is an Alien. And we never talk about me stuff…dropping the happiness factor to a very low number...nearly negative..

     FACT: No one says “I understand” every time they let you answer a question, except maybe Aliens. And let’s face it Aliens are weird. They are kind of alien even. Aliens should not reproduce and make even weirder alien offspring. too late, they’re here But if you understand, then lets not pretend to be all knowing by saying you understand. I get it…

     I know I was a nerd. I know I was a geek. I probably still am. I did not know it then, but I understand it now, but I was never alien weird. At least not to me. And we all know I am the foremost authority on everything but I was not and am not an alien, and therefore not that weird.

     Knowing that makes me sure that I am not an alien, However, they are NOT easy to detect. I will help you out though…They can look just like you and me. Be warned.

1. They do not always look weird. But in certain light, like just before dawn and just before sunset, if there is just enough humidity in the air and they turn just right you can see thru their disguise. I have never really seen this, but I know someone that knows someone that knows someone that knows someone that killed an alien, because of that little trick. Again I have to protect my sources and all that.

2. Aliens say and laugh at the stupidest stuff. Those of you that remember stupid girl, way back when I used to date her, she was an alien. Dogs did not like her. Come to think of it neither did my friends…Hell, I didn’t like her much either, but whatever…Spock (a 150 lb Great Dane) bit her on the head. A---L----I---E----N….

3. Aliens cannot drive. We all know this. This explains all the idiots that drive that are not geriatric Asian women good drivers. Quite simply they are Aliens. I have tried to rationalize their irrational behavior, but alas, there is only one explanation, horrible drivers are Aliens. R-----E----A---L---L---Y-------- A---L----I---E----N….

4. Aliens will also drive around with a pick-up bed filled with all kinds of weird stuff. Why do they do this? They are desperately trying to rebuild their alien spacecraft to head back to wherevertheirfrom. any tyime you see this, it is a good bet they are Aliens...The Trailer Trash shtick is just an intricate cover...

5. Aliens are weird. They are different. Anyone that is different is an Alien. You do not have to understand them; you just have to know they are here and figure out who they are. then kill them It is ok to ignore them as well. We have been doing it for years as part of their master plan for earth domination.

     As a side bar for several years in the fifties and thru the 70’s they tried to assimilate to our world by making hokey TV shows about Aliens. I know this little ploy kinda threw me off their tracks. I am wiser now… I know their plan….

     In today’s world, much like the not so distant past when we burned witches at the stake and persecuted those with skin of a different hue, or that spoke in a different dialect, or with a thick accent, we are intolerant. We fear those that are different. It is not good.  

    I may be an idealist. I may wish for things that will never happen...I do love to laugh at others expense, at times most of the time but I can also laugh at myself. most times, after all i do write this blog  I have been blessed to have some great friends and customers in all my years, so a few Aliens are okay, I will survive. That does not mean I can not vent about it. HEY MAN, I do want us all to be able to just get along. This past couple weeks has tried my patience. (Not all customers can be Marci :) However, I am not yet sick of French toast.

     In the mass of humanity that is the 6 billion and growing population, all these weirdoes that look, think and act different MUST be Aliens. It is the only explanation. We can take this big bunch of lemons and  we could all just make some French toast and sit down together eating a great big breakfast and washing it all down with a big gulp of tolerance and embrace our differences…I know I will try...

Just another day in paradise

hey! before i forget...

    hey before i forget. you guys and gals that read my blog are what it is all about. while i write this as a cathartic catalyst to creativity, i also hope you are entertained, if only for the few minutes we are engaged in my meandering monologues. thank you for taking time form your busy day to stop by and take it all in.

   but what if i forget...what if i lose all my memories...i do not want that...that is worse than death...

   every day i try to take it all in. we all should...life moves at a furious pace...even the lazy hazy daze of summer seem to fly too quickly by. i give all i can to a physical job that takes an enormous toll. it is a labor of mostly love, but it comes with a cost...but enough self pity..what was i talking about?

   i stopped by to see my mom tonight for a quick cup of joe, she looked good, but for the first time i realized that she is getting old. seriously... i usually see her as much younger than she is...denial is a wonderful thing...she does not have many senior moments, and for that i thank god, but i can't help but think that i only have so much time left to share with her.

   My father died in '98 and he was far too young. i cannot talk with him in person but he is on my mind every day. i sign something on every job i do in his honor. i still hear him, at times, calling me brender and bruce the moose...

     i did not apprecaite him nearly as much i should have while he was alive, but now i do...it is too late, however to drop in for a cold one with him...that does not mean we do not have a few rousing conversations every now and then.... but what if i forget?

Hey! before i forget...

   i had a dream i had a few months back. it was not pleasant. it was not memorable...i do know what it was really about but it was very unsettling. i hate those kind of dreams. the ones that you wake from and feel like you are not really awake and there is something that is following you out of that dream...kinda like being trapped in a dean koontz or stephen king short story or novel...what would that be like day after day? wow, it would be awful.

   it is a sinister and diabolical feeling. it is disjointed, dettached and disturbing...it does not happen often, in fact it is very rare, but it stayed with me like the smell of week old eggs left out in the sun...kinda very yucky...but what if it were all the time. what if everyday were that nightmare? that would be bad...jus' sayin'

    before i forget...

   what was i talking about...i do not remember...i must have forgotten. i misplaced the ideas and lost the note

pad in my head. the hard drive crashed...the tape got jammed.. the record skipped...that would be very bad...

   i do not want to suffer from Alzheimer's Disease. that would be awful. i have enough trouble remembering the day date and my name, but what if i forget? what if i forget you? what if i cannot remember who you are? i fear few things, but this i do fear...and what was i talking about?

   in writings and pictures of me and you i will write this story, of our lives so that when i do forget you, i will see you anyway. please forgive me if i am remiss in recalling your name...i used to know you...i must have because you are here. in this picture. what were we talking about? hey before i forget...you were a friend of mine...

hey before i forget

   this memory loss would be so scary...to have someone come up to you and say to you, "hi, dad." or "hi, bruce." and you stare blankly out at them. kinda like browndog, waking from a nap...okay for those of you that knew browndog, that was not just the post nap look, it was most the time...those big sad eyes...who were we talking about?

    i sometimes wake with the thought that i cannot remember where i am. you may think that that is just after a night of boozing, but it happens after a sober night as well...not often, in fact very rarely, but just enough to make me think. it is usually after a disjointed dream, that i wake in this fog...what if this were every day...what were we talking about?
    we were talking about you. i will try to remember you. i hope to remember you...i do not want to forget you, but someday, i probably will...when i am older and grayer and like 106...if i live that long...
   have a party in my honor, not a funeral, greive if you must, but with a beer in hand, and i will do the same for you...

hey before i forget...

   it is better to be dead in the flesh, than dead in the memory...i would not wish that on anyone...

hey before i forget...how bout them TIGERS!!!

Just Another Day In Paradise!!!

It’s not the Heat it’s the stupidity….

       It has been hot lately and humid. That is much better than snow. I can always take off a few more clothes…fighting visual, aren’t ya? Thank god I still have a few blue Speedos floating around the underwear drawer…Hazy, lazy days of summer sure beat the cold, calculating, cutting air of Michigan winter…It is not the heat…

     I hate when someone tells me it’s at least it’s a dry heat  as well. Oh, the stupidity! Hot is hot, cold is cold. Humidity is evil, but hey this is Michigan, wait five minutes the weather will change. Oh well, it is Nothing But Athing…

     I pulled the cover from the grill around noon yesterday to have an impromptu BBQ and Roxy threw the cushions on the chairs, and said, “Well, I don’t have to worry about it raining.” Yes, you would think that statement was accurate. Not so much... I was out there fifteen minutes later grabbing the cushions in a torrential 5 minute squall. Oh no! maybe I will be Not Bar-be-queuing Anything…. Then it was sunny again…Okay, that was a bit more than 5 minutes but you get my point…

     When we were young we did not have central air. We did not have even a window rattler. We had fans. They blew the hot air around in an effort to help the heat go away. It didn’t work. You were simply dealing with hot air blowing around. Maybe that is why SO MANY people of our generation are so full of hot air. I do not remember the first time I heard, It’s not the heat, it’s the humidity.” Nothing But A long time ago.

     I read a lot of comic books when I was young and in one of these comics I saw an ad for a book that could help those of us that were not living in the hoity toity subdivisions near my neighborhood, like Princeton Estates where central air was probably more common. I sent away for manual called something like Nordic BTU Assimilation, Thermodynamics and Michigan summer.

     The book was not as cool as my secret decoder ring, and from what I remember it talked mostly about this new fangled idea called Central Air. My father believed that color TV was the devil and he could see color in the B&W console we had, so the chance of us getting central air was almost as good as LeBron staying in Cleveland finding a dinosaur skeleton in my sand box.

    The best way to beat the heat is to beat the stupidity. Shut the windows on the sunny side of the house early in the day and close the drapes to keep the heat out. Then draw in the cooler air on the shady side of the house. Central air is not needed, but it is sure really COOL!!! There are other secrets but I am holding back a few, just try this one first. Or get central air. It will help when the hot air of the Opinionflashers start spewing the *facts.*

     The last week in sports saw the most ridiculous occurrence in my recollection. I blame this media circus for the swing in local temperature. We could blame global warming global climate shift. We could also blame the Russians as I am sure they have a weather machine, which is not covered in any of the disarmament treaties that have been signed since the cold war. I know think they use it to f with our American Chi...

    If you do not know what I am talking about, you have been mercifully free of the ravages of stupidity know as The LeBron LeBong James, (lbj) signing. As most of you know, he is the self appointed KING of the NBA Nothing But Arrogance. This  IS the ONLY STORY in sports. For some reason, unlike all the real good sports, NBA free agency starts like three decades before anyone can sign to a new team. Not only is this a mind-bendingly dumb idea, it causes the sportsheads to look for no other valuable things to report.

    This causes the entire  world of sportsheads, for three millenniums, to focus on where the f- is lbj going to land. The ludicrosity of it all is the inane banter and the constant complaining by the sportsheads about how this story won’t go away. Opinionflash! It does if you stop talking about it. Just like Eldrick. I would rather hear about his dalliances than ONE MORE word about lbj…Jus’ sayin’

     Free agency starts……then……wait for it…..wait for it..........something like.... eight days..... later the bums can find their Donald Trump lotto deals. Other sports free agency starts and SO DOES SIGNING…What a great idea!!! Then we can talk about the signings, not speculate on the one big dumb idiot and where he is going to sign his deal.

     Needless to say, after about three nanoseconds of the Hugeicrite pontificating on where and why lbj is gonna do this or that, my brain started to leak and I tuned into a country station and we all know how much I like county music (actually the guys found) a suitable replacement in oldies and classics. I actually heard One Tin Soldier” and I was not the person singing it! Praise God!

     So lbj is “taking his talents to South Beach.” Looks like the Heat are a shoe- in for the NBA crown next Year. But you really gotta axe yourself, “Who cares?” The NBA No Body Around. It is filled with stupidity, like all sports, but not for me anymore. I’m taking my talents to every sport but the NBA. No Big Audience. I may start watching golf…and the World Cup of Soccer…When does that start?....... bruce you idiot it is over ...BTW Spain won..…

     The NBA season competes with the NHL season. And since NHL is easier, for some reason, for me to type, it is my favorite sport. Well, not really that reason, HOCKEY ROCKS!!! The best sport is Hockey, because there are No Hop-head Losers…

     The days go by and each show I listen to brings in another sportsbrainiac that *knows* what lbj is gonna do…WHO F-ING CARES? I have to find another station....Dammit!! However, lbj, the supreme ego maniac that he is, decided to have an HOUR long special on his decision. He is just a Nother Big Asshole.

     By the time he decided, even if you liked basketball, you would say to yourself who cares…He is not coming to any team but one, so the fans of the other teams, like 98% of the forty or fifty idiots that still care about the NBA ’Nother Bad Attitude do not like his decision. If we want to stop the spiraling madness of pro sports some day we are going to have to stop watching.

     The good thing for me is I will stop watching the NBA No Big Absence. The unmitigated gall by which he chose to *tell the world* his decision is what is wrong with sports. Opinionflash! No Athlete is bigger than the game. It is too bad that lbj thinks he is….oh the stupidity…

     Hey lbj how many championships have you won? ZERO… How many times have you acted unsportsmanlike like? AT LEAST ONCE Too many to count. Then why are you the king? YOU ARE NOT!! So, buh-bye, loser I hope you never win a championship, but if you do, it will not matter to me, as I will never see you play again…as if he cares...

     And of course there was all the hype and lead up to what is probably the worst day in Cleveland sports history. Maybe not the worst, the day Art Model moved the Browns to Baltimore after Irsay moved the Colts to Indianapolis is bad. Well, there was also Elway and the Drive…Makes me glad I am a Michigan sports guy, we only have the Lions to break our hearts, and the Ohioans have all the aforementioned and the Blue Jackets…bummer dude…

     The NBA No Brainiacs Allowed, gave us Latrell Spreewell who years ago spit on his coach and some how he still finished his career, without being banned from the sport. It is only spit, but it is a larger picture deal. The abject lack of respect is appalling. Hey, try this-on Monday, go to work and spit on your boss, when they tell you what to do. See how long you keep your job.

     They also gave us the more recent Gilbert Areanas gun debacle. The NBA, No Brain Attached found out that Gilbert thought it would be okay at bring his arsenal and put it in his locker. Hey, they were unloaded, so give the guy a break. He did get suspended for the rest of the season. However, if you or I do something that ridonkulous, we would probably be at filling out some new applications and maybe even looking at a stay at the old Graybar Hotel…

     lbj took his talents to Miami, and they paid him a pile of cash. He thinks he will win it all. I do not blame the Miami Heat. The NBA Never Be Appealing is like other sports but on some kind of egostroidammoth scale has allowed this kind of shenanigans to occur. They have allowed the inmates to run the asylum. This is the kind of stupidity that looses the casual fan, and does not grow the sport.

      And now the Miami Heat has the *trifecta* Wade, Bosh and lbj. Who f-ing cares. If you are going to watch the NBA Never Bout Anyone but me, good luck. I will take my talents to the fishing channel in the absence of hockey. I will take my talents to watch NASCAR…

     It is summer. It is slow for all sports but baseball. It has been hot lately. Ya gotta find a way to beat the Heat. I started by eliminating the hot air from sports shows talking about lbj. The Heat scored the prize. I do not blame the Heat. It is not the Heat, it’s the stupidity...

Just another day in paradise