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Saturday, July 17, 2010

Make French toast….it’s the only explanation…

"I believe there r people living among us that r aliens like in men in black-it’s the only explanation!" *totally out of context and lifted from a tongue and cheek (???) response by my friend Marci)* and this gem..."well how else do you explain Larry King? I mean he barley even tries to look like a human!".....many thanks again Marci, as Marciism is a catalyst for a blog…
     There are many things in this world that confuse me. Why we do not understand each other, while struggling to exist on the same small planet is a mindbaffler. I have exhausted my research about 7 ½ minutes  and have decided there is only one explanation. There are Aliens among us. It’s the only explanation. With the help of the interweb and thru the magic of bloggering, maybe we can all figure this out. How about a little tolerance to those that are different
    It’s like I always say, when life hands you lemons, make French toast. Well, I don’t really always say that in fact, I have never said that until now, but I think I will start. it makes as much sense as anything else i come up with to fill up spasce on these diatribes of dynamic dumbfoundery.
     Anything that you can’t explain is always much more easily explained by taking things out of context, embellishment and imagination. Many people believe that religion was started by embellishment of imagination. Some believe it was brought here by aliens. The new world order of cell phones, I-pods, and twits is the only proof I need. poeple are wierd and hence, there are Aliens among us…It’s the only explanation.
     I have had couple of weirdo customers lately. I know I am a weirdo magnet, but these customers are disarmingly weird and unsettlingly difficult. I think they may be Aliens. As the week winds down, I reflect on some interesting facts…
     Fact 1. I am funny. But some people do not find me humorous. Shocking, I know. It may surprise you, but it is true. They must be Aliens. Or stupid
    Fact 2. I am not as funny as I think I am. say it ain’t so, Bruce. And I blame this on the Aliens as well. So, I guess I will be taknig all these lemons read:Aliens  and making some French toast for a while…
     Tucker, the Wonderdog, is afraid of planes. I know it sounds weird,not alien weird but it is true. Yeah, he is all tough and stuff when it comes to other dogs, ducks, birds, bunnies, fireflies and all kinds of creepy crawly things, but when a plane flies over, he looks for the nearest place to hide…Thank god I found my mind’s eye mental imaging camera when I cleaned my car last weekend. If the picture is a little blurry it is because of the stale French fry grease, as it was laying in a pile of oopsmissedthemouth-fries

     Maybe he knows something we don’t...maybe they are really UFO’s…I would ask him, but he speaks in dog, and I think I fell asleep during the verbal portion of that 9 week class during tenth grade…I think I know I was awake for the non-verbal parts of that class, because I think and act eerily similarly to a dog. This may bee a past life transgression penance thing, but really, who knows.
    Dogs are good judges of character and hence also are excellent at detecting aliens. Cats…Not so much…Sorry, cat people…However, cats may be aliens as well. I do know this; if you were the same size as a cat, it would find a way to eat you. A dog would only find a way to hump you, regardless of size, but never mind and dog people know that humping is an expression of dominance. Eating you on the other hand is an expression of killing you…ask yourself which is better, humped or dead? Jus’ sayin’…
     As much as Tucker who has great difficulty spelling, just like daddy would like this blog to be all about him and dogs, it is not, it is about Aliens…And speaking of close encounters of the third weird kind…
     I have been working for a couple of people that are very weird to me. It stretches my tolerance. It tries my patience. It Alienates me from them. Let’s be honest, I need a LOT of French toast for these two.
     The first one even had a weird name. Kind of like she made it up. I will even say spacey, but I will also keep it private, as a writer has to protect his source. damn those Aliens
     FACT: NO ONE says CAIO (or however it is spelled) at the end of a conversation since it was cool about 30 years ago. Except Aliens. They may say that. They probably would say that. It would seem she got the Rosetta Stone 1980’s speak edition. I don’t know, did they have Rosetta Stone back then?  It kinda creeps me out. Oh well, Aliens a re people too.
    The second customer is just odd. He is very self-focused. I know I am as well, but we are not talking about me. Matter of fact, I barely can say what I need to when talking to this guy. He is an over-talker. And an interrupter. And yes I think he is an Alien. And we never talk about me stuff…dropping the happiness factor to a very low number...nearly negative..
     FACT: No one says “I understand” every time they let you answer a question, except maybe Aliens. And let’s face it Aliens are weird. They are kind of alien even. Aliens should not reproduce and make even weirder alien offspring. too late, they’re here But if you understand, then lets not pretend to be all knowing by saying you understand. I get it…
     I know I was a nerd. I know I was a geek. I probably still am. I did not know it then, but I understand it now, but I was never alien weird. At least not to me. And we all know I am the foremost authority on everything but I was not and am not an alien, and therefore not that weird.

     Knowing that makes me sure that I am not an alien, However, they are NOT easy to detect. I will help you out though…They can look just like you and me. Be warned.

1. They do not always look weird. But in certain light, like just before dawn and just before sunset, if there is just enough humidity in the air and they turn just right you can see thru their disguise. I have never really seen this, but I know someone that knows someone that knows someone that knows someone that killed an alien, because of that little trick. Again I have to protect my sources and all that.

2. Aliens say and laugh at the stupidest stuff. Those of you that remember stupid girl, way back when I used to date her, she was an alien. Dogs did not like her. Come to think of it neither did my friends…Hell, I didn’t like her much either, but whatever…Spock (a 150 lb Great Dane) bit her on the head. A---L----I---E----N….

3. Aliens cannot drive. We all know this. This explains all the idiots that drive that are not geriatric Asian women good drivers. Quite simply they are Aliens. I have tried to rationalize their irrational behavior, but alas, there is only one explanation, horrible drivers are Aliens. R-----E----A---L---L---Y-------- A---L----I---E----N….

4. Aliens will also drive around with a pick-up bed filled with all kinds of weird stuff. Why do they do this? They are desperately trying to rebuild their alien spacecraft to head back to wherevertheirfrom. any tyime you see this, it is a good bet they are Aliens...The Trailer Trash shtick is just an intricate cover...

5. Aliens are weird. They are different. Anyone that is different is an Alien. You do not have to understand them; you just have to know they are here and figure out who they are. then kill them It is ok to ignore them as well. We have been doing it for years as part of their master plan for earth domination.
     As a side bar for several years in the fifties and thru the 70’s they tried to assimilate to our world by making hokey TV shows about Aliens. I know this little ploy kinda threw me off their tracks. I am wiser now… I know their plan….
     In today’s world, much like the not so distant past when we burned witches at the stake and persecuted those with skin of a different hue, or that spoke in a different dialect, or with a thick accent, we are intolerant. We fear those that are different. It is not good.  
    I may be an idealist. I may wish for things that will never happen...I do love to laugh at others expense, at times most of the time but I can also laugh at myself. most times, after all i do write this blog  I have been blessed to have some great friends and customers in all my years, so a few Aliens are okay, I will survive. That does not mean I can not vent about it. HEY MAN, I do want us all to be able to just get along. This past couple weeks has tried my patience. (Not all customers can be Marci :) However, I am not yet sick of French toast.
     In the mass of humanity that is the 6 billion and growing population, all these weirdoes that look, think and act different MUST be Aliens. It is the only explanation. We can take this big bunch of lemons and  we could all just make some French toast and sit down together eating a great big breakfast and washing it all down with a big gulp of tolerance and embrace our differences…I know I will try...
Just another day in paradise


  1. ciao. as if italian was EVER in vogue. (the roman empire probably fell out of sheer unpopularity - and aliens)

  2. AND ...YET again, Norman misses the word ciao...he is not really trying very hard...

    damn those aliens and the romans too...

  3. I have a friend who uses 'ciao'
    Does that make me an alien?


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