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Monday, July 19, 2010

Check your shoes…

     Way back when I dated a girl named Anna, I went to visit her in the city of Toledo. She lived in a somewhat older house. Before I went to bed she told me to check my shoes in the morning. I really did not understand why, so I didn’t. No girl is telling me what to do Imagine the surprise when I slid my foot in the shoe and found that something else had slipped in previously.  It was a large cockroach. Maybe I should listen to girls more often? Yucky. Roaches and palmetto bugs are quite yucky.
     BTW, I saw bunches of palmetto bugs in the Keys when I used to head down there. The fact that I had only 3 pair of shoes to check made the morning ritual of checking the shoes fairly easy to do. And sandals make it even easier…
     This Toledo Terror was by far the biggest roach I had ever seen. Having worked in restaurants I have seen quite a few. Not quite as big as a palmetto bug, but it was hefty, nearly the size of a nickel. I may have screamed like a little school girl. I think I may have thrown up in my mouth a little; I definitely got woozzled and light headed. I hate bugs.
     The only good bug is one that I do not see. Except for fireflies. For some reason the fact that they can glow and all that makes them kinda cute and acceptable. That is until they get in my mouth, then the gloves come off and the fighting begins. They do not taste very good. However, Tucker thinks they do.
     I do not like spiders either. I have a deal with spiders, though. I call it the spider treaty. They can live anywhere they want outside the house and in corners in the basement. When they traipse across the ceiling they are dead. I may or may not have to kill them, but Roxy will. Most times I do end up pushing a bit too hard and it is squashed spider ceiling gook.     A good way to get a spider off the ceiling, like when it is over the bed, is a plunger. Preferably this works better with a dry, clean one. I had a special, never-been-dipped plunger while married to my first wife. It was affectionately called the spider sucker.
         1. Install plunger over the offensive arachnid.
         2. Apply slight upward pressure.
         3. Pull plunger off ceiling and spider should come with the suction.
     What you do next is you own deal. Personally, any treaty violation of the spider treaty is generally considered a capitol offense.
     Checking your shoes read: removing them at the door at someone’s house as a guest is generally not acceptable, but when I am working it BUGS me. I move slowly enough without having to put shoes on and off every time I have to go in and out….I can live with it, but it still BUGS me…
     Check your shoes. Good idea when walking in our back yard, if Libby has not done the POOPSCOOPDETAIL…It is also a good idea to check your shoes if you are walking on the grass around any neighborhood at night. Ding-dong ditchers beware; I have left a little Tucker-bomb for you buggers…
     The real people that need to check their shoes however are the Prostiticans. They really BUG me… can you tell? It does not matter which side of the political fence you sit, the jerkweeds that are running this country need to check their shoes. They keep on stepping in it.
     I had to watch a bunch of Opinionflashers today while on the job. Okay, so I did not have to *watch*. I could have changed the channel or turned it off, but like a traffic accident, I was drawn to look…I could not look away from the conversational carnage. I believe the term I am looking for is Hype-and- hypocrisy-hypmotism… I know, correctly spelled hypnotism
     Should we continue unemployment for those lazy slobs that can’t find a job? Should we debate the pros and cons of healthcare reform? Should we worry about the *whateveritis* in New York that may or may not be a terrorist threat? Is the BPD really fixed? OMG…Blah blah blah…Jus sayin’. How does anyone watch this crap all day long…? Check your shoes…*or more correctly boots/hip-waders*
     Shortly before my head imploded and my brains oozed out my ears, nose, and down my throat, I was mercifully free from their TVtryanny. I did find the will to hit the remote button that said OFF. I will admit there was a slight moment of TVtrepidation… I was successful, thank God! And I did check my shoes…
     Check your shoes *Mr. I hate Obama and his healthcare reform bill* It is easy for someone with a super-awesome life-time insurance coverage to disparage any hint of reform. It does not affect their shoes. They check their shoes and the Gucci label is still legible. IKR?
     As long as the Prostiticans can see any doctor at anytime and do not have to decide on the critical decision of what to spend the moola on like say, paying the medical bills or putting food on the table, or gas in the tank, why should they care about anything but their own self-serving sustainability? As long as they are repaid very handsomely for their *service to the country* they will be just fine.
     Hey, teabaggers, tea tokers, or whateverthefuck you call yourselves, hey, Dems. Liberals, and bleeding hearts, hey, conservatives, right wingers, and religious over-zealots, check your shoes and stuff them in your mouth. Hopefully the sh%t that you stepped in is still in place. Then maybe you will know what the slice of the American-Dream Pie the rest of us are eating tastes like. HINT: work together instead of bickering you vampires of value and stop hurling vitriol.
     The real problem in this country is not Obama, Bush, or any other president. It is Cheney. Or it may be Sara Palin It is all of them…It is the corruption and greed associated with preserving YOUR (read: Prostiticans)idea of what America needs. It is the constant back-biting and undercutting that BUGS me. It is the FACT that they cannot do anything that slightly resembles compromise. All they can do is prostitute the good-will of the voters and bend to the will of the Money-god special interest groups, international corporations, and PAC’s. Shame on them.
    Take all the hot air, empty rhetoric, and complete bullshit the Prostiticans are forcing on us along with all the Prostiticans and load it in a large rubber ball. Use a couple of submarines to drag it down to the BPD pipe in the gulf, and stuff that in the pipe. That will stop the bleeding and get rid of the problem. most likely
     When idiots are making the decisions for the rest of the country the situation is dire. I do not know what the solution is, but I do know what it is not. What we have is what it is not. A little bit of HONEST compromise may go a long way to righting what is left of our democracy. Checking your shoes and putting on a less desirable pair may help.
     A bug in a shoe is creepy. Poop on your shoes stinks. A hole in your shoe is uncomfortable. A stone in your shoe is uncomfortable too Check your shoes…and not just for bugs, but for all humankind…
Just another day in paradise

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Here today...goat tomorrow…REVISIT

    since the job hunt is so grueling, i will be reposting one of my all time favs!!!!

1.Marilu Henner (she didn't die did she?
2.Kelly Ripa (i should know who this is but i don't) 
3.Poison pill (good idea for idiots)
4.Credit cards (jacking your rates again)
5.Kim Kardashian (give me a break, stop searching shit for this bitch)
6.Milli Vanilli (resurecting his rap career)
7.John Lennon (sad he was killed by a jackweasle)
8.PS3 update  (free on black friday!!!)
9.Medicare pay (is a head ache) 
10.Liu Xiaobo (rhyming names rock, at least how I pronounce it, it rhymes)

     We only get so many great summer days. Here today…We all should take advantage of the time by firing up the grill and cooking some food. I prefer steak over any of the other grillables…I am a flesh eater. There are few things better in this world than an impromptu BBQ… (Henceforth to be called IM2BBQ’s)
     I have had 5 IM2BBQ’s this summer and all have resulted in the usual shenanigans of summer. However the best is yet to come, I think. but that does not mean that we have not had some alcohol induced ideas of ingenuity. Jus sayin’

As you can see, the deck, while not large, is set up for ultimate IM2BBQ action. Quite luckily for us the deck is fully shaded by 5 ish which really helps keep the sweat factor down and the justifiable beer consumption lower as well. Less beer while cooking leads to better quality grilled food. read: less burnt shit HOWEVER, in full sun the USDA REQUIRES 12oz of beer (or the equivalent) per flesh item cooked…Hey, I do not make this stuff up…yes, you do 
     Here today…A few weeks ago at one of the IM2BBQ’s as we were winding down I mentioned the neighbor’s goat. I blathered on about it being very odd. I think I may have mentioned that it needed to be abducted. My buddy, Jim concurred, although the secret-over-the-fence-mission never quite came to fruition, it has been troubling my waking moments and dreams since. Since that moment, I have noticed that it is keeping an eye on us.
     This goat is not a flesh goat, but merely one made of stamped steal. I really did not pay much attention to the thing until it started moving around the yard. Most likely of its own volition. And they can do a lot with remote drones now days

      After tapping into the FB I application satellite spy city, and even tho' I am techtarded, I somehow was able to procure this high resolution satellite imagery to show that, while I may sound deranged, I am completely sane. As you can see the goat moves around quite a bit, and that is a problem. I admit I did do a bit of photo shopping on this image to overlay all the apparent locations. Could the neighbors have overheard our diabolical discussions and moved the goat? I think not
     I am convinced that it is some kind of Big Brother spying type of device implanted in the yard by the CIA, FBI, NSA, IRS and a bunch of other three letter acronyms, all in order to keep tabs on me and my posse because of our my particular penchant for mischievous malfeasance. All that pot I used to smoke did not make ME paranoid.


I know the quality of
some of these pictures is a
bit suspect but the
damn thing moves quite fast.

I am really getting worried after I saw this location. I did not know that goats could climb, but it makes sense. I know the altitude would make it much better for listening in on all my clandestine conversations...

If anything should happen to me, here today…and I, let’s say, disappear, make sure the police contact the neighbors. Here today…Goat tomorrow…
Just a