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Saturday, May 29, 2010

The stupidity factor

On this weekend we remember the valiant men and women that gave their lives in the name of freedom and/or protecting the American way of life. They may have perished but I, for one, appreciate the sacrifice, hence this blog is in honor of our military…God Bless our troops everywhere…

     The world is full of stupid people. Stupidity probably explains the number of wars raging around the globe on any given Sunday, or any day for that matter. I call this the stupidity factor. This should not be confused with the jackass factor. While similar they are unique in their own special way. Jackassery, while stupid, is a conscious effort, whereas stupidity just happens, because some people are stupid. There is also the cross-pollination of the two, an animal know as the stupid jackass, but that is a blog for another day. Today I will focus on stupidity.
     Like a weather reporter, I am giving you the heads up on the stupidity factor. If you decide to travel this weekend, do so with caution. The stupidity factor is directly proportional to the number of people on the roads. It also correlates to the temperature. I figure it on a 100 point scale, with no particular parameters, so it is arbitrary, just like predicting the weather... It will be sunny with a chance of Stupidity. There may also be some liquid stupidity...or it could be cloudy with a chance of Suncrazies......The Stupidity Factor this weekend is hovering around high of 93 and a low of 87…Be warned…
    Stupidity happens. It is all around us. For example, when you go thru the drive thru and your plain McDouble has special sauce on it, most likely that was not intentional, it was stupidity. SF = 67 No malice, just stupidity. Hacking a loogie on an unsuspecting customer, that is stupid jackassery.
     BTW, I abhor special sauce, and its ugly twin, Thousand Island dressing. I have a problem adding sweet pickle relish to anything. It is just gross-o-rama. I think special sauce is simply Thousand Island dressing with a splash of yucky…I don’t EVEN want to know what that ingredient is…We can just call it yucky and be done…
     Another case of stupidity is the French fry bagger who invariably sets the fries in the bag with the sandwiches either side ways or even upside down, so they all fall into the bag instead of staying in the little fry bag they were meant to be in. Seriously? Do they even teach about gravity in schools any more? GRAVITY WORKS dammit!! You know, the fry bag is engineered for you to crotch while driving, so you can eat and drive. Stupidity factor = 99.
     The war in the Middle East where ever we are still engaged is a stupidity factor of 86. The Bush Administrations handling of the war, is SF = 99.9. The idea of calling French Fries freedom fries…SF = 94. The WMD’s or lack thereof, SF =88.
    Below is an actual case of stupidity in action; I captured it in my minds eye (Thanks SKI) and uploaded it into my computer with this really cool UBS mind meld cable I bought from a guy out of a van in a gas station parking lot for $3.00. I also bought some steaks...As I left he said, "let the force be with you," or "live well and prosper" he was mumbling, so I did not quite catch the syntax...I still do not know why the instructions say to….No, on second thought, I won’t go there…(Use your imagination)

The guy in the car is slowing down
I have my turn signal on signaling
My intention to move into the lane
All the while I am slowing down and
We both want to be in the same lane
His reaction time is remarkably the same
As mine. When I finally get his attention
I get the stupidity factor wave for me to go
Ahead of him. BTW stupidly he didn’t
have his signal on.

Stupidity factor = 85
     As you can see, the cable works about as well as my cell phone camera. We could blame it on operator error, but I really think it has to do with the lead based paint I have absorbed over the years. Thank God the EPA is finally doing something about LBP!!! EPA AND LBP SF = 95.7
     Not even two minutes later I had this incident. I was attempting to enter the freeway; the SF van driver was one lane over form the merging lane, when suddenly he decided to merge, nearly hitting me. Good thing I was not texting or playing air guitar, or it could have been messy as well as stupid…When I looked over to flip him off I  could read his lips and I think he said, "Oh, it's not the speed really so much, I just wish I hadn't drunk all that cough syrup this morning."


Notice the lack of other traffic.
I know it seems kind of odd
Being a holiday week end and all…


I believe the Stupidity factor = 93

     Anyone that puts those stupid giant rims and really narrow tires on a car has a high stupidity factor. It looks stupid, therefore it is. The same with buying pants that are 10 sizes too big and wearing them around the middle of your buttock, holding them up with one hand. Opinion flash…No one wants to know what color or style undies you are wearing today. BUY some pants that fit. Both of these are in the SF = 70’s
     Kevin Mathews, the DJ was mildly funny in the 80’s. Jim (Gym?) Shorts was NEVER a funny character. The stupidity factor of Kevin Mathews is in the low 90’s. Why is he still even on the air? Jim Shorts stupidity factor 109. He gets extra credit for being INCREDIBLY STUPID…
     Sean Hannity is not only ridonlkulous; he is not funny, or mildly entertaining.He markets in fear. He markets in ignorance. Fear and ignorance lead to Misunderstanding. Misunderstanding often leads to WAR. If you do not understand the perceived enemy, then how can you justifiably hate them. Jus' sayin'...
     My ideals are not adequately represented by either side of the political spectrum, because the only service the political system really serves is the propagation of itself. It may be the best system in the world but it is flawed. It is time for change, but let's not go there yet, as I digress...
     It is opinionflashers like him that keep the fear, loathing, and war effort going.  SF = 94. His bill board on M-6, the one where he is looking up like the buffoon that he is, rates and astounding 99.999…No scratch that, make it 109.99. He gets extra credit for being stupid, looking stupid, and lacking the innate intelligence to NOT put a picture of him on bill board, let alone the picture he or his handlers chose. You could call it ego, but would defer to just Palin stupidity.

     The previous video is further proof of the Stupidity Factor of an entirely different sub-genre, Palin Stupidity or PF. (Pot to be confused with Porn Fairy). The PF automatically adds at least 10 x the roll of a 6-sided die to your SF. Seriously, Witches? In this century? REALLY?
     Her candidacy alone should have made every single Conservative question their party’s legitimacy, let alone Stupidity Factor. If I were looking for a spokesperson for Stop Inbreeding Now (SIN), I would be more than happy to have her blather a couple of lines of her particular brand of snappy repartee… No, not really…Every time I hear her speak I loose a few brain cells, which I can ill afford what with my affinity for Crown and Coke.
     Hopefully with this warning you are safe from the SF this week end. I know my prayers are with you. And if you are a praying person say an extra prayer for the men and women in uniform, across the globe, fight for life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness, and sadly, the Stupidity Factor…
Just another day in paradise

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Splain this…

    It has been suggested that I include some pictures with my blog. I decided to try it for the second time so I took these pictures with my camera phone. The quaity is not great, but hey, I was driving, and I am techtarded. I did photoshop them a bit to get the text on the shots and make them a bit better than the originals. 
     Peter Falk starred as Columbo when I was growing up. I do not remember what night it was on, or what time. I do know it was on one of the *ONLY 4* broadcast stations we got from the rabbit ears. It was before I had cable. Before HD…Before a lot of things. It was long ago. He may or may not have said, “Explain this to me like I am a kindergartner.” I remember he did.
      It also could have been Dennis Weaver as Mc Cloud, or Telly Savalas as Kojak But feel free to correct me, as my memory is not the greatest in all things…I have used this *borrowed* phrase on many occasions, so it is only right that I throw it out there in my blog… I am pretty sure it was a Columboism...
     As many of you know, these blogs come to me from the Muse of Driving...I have a ton of Windshield time. I also get Jackassed on many occasions while driving to and fro.
   Columbo always figured out the mystery, however, some things just confuse old Brucellini…If he were still on the television I think his latest mystery would be to detemine who wrote the Jackassery  Bill of Rights...Being confused I am asking for a little Columboesque detective work, from you my loyal and faithful readers…It is an open book test…
     The following blog is factual. Well, as factual as any other blog I have written. Maybe more factual. My fact checker quit sometime last December, which coincidentally coincides with when I first started blogging. It may have had something to do with differing political views…I really do not remember all the facts…It may have had to do with me asking for my fact checker to Splain this to me like I am kindergartner….
        I was parked in the Menards lot. I walked to my truck. It was hot. Africa Hot! (Biloxi Blues, 1998, Matthew Broderick) (You can look it up on the search engine) However, it was not as hot as the Chevy truck with a hard-shell flat-top bed cover with a spoiler on it. Splain this to me like I am kindergartner…Why would you need that on your truck? Does it:

     A. Increase your gas mileage?
     B. Make your truck look Ubercool?
     C. Increase you dorkfactor?
     D. All of the above

The spoiler also probably gives you license to take up two spaces.
I think that is in the
Jackassery Bill of Rights.

I always try to find a pull-thru spot in a parking lot. I try to pull as forward as I can without blocking the egress of other vehicles. What I do for a living means that many days my truck is full and anyone that knows me, knows I am considerably challenged when it comes to backing out of a parking space. The fullness of my truck only heightens matters… Splain this to me like I am kindergartner…Why does a SUV (stupid unthinkers vehicle) always take the spot behind me and parks about 3 mm from my bumper? Is it:

A. they want to get close enough to read the logo on my truck?
B. they have no concern for anyone but themselves?
C. there is no other spot in the 20 acre parking lot?
D. the blind person driving is thankful they did not hit that other vehicle.


The Jackassery  Bill of Rights
also provides for every American to do whatever they please, when ever they want.

     On my way home I saw another SUV parked on the wrong side of a two-lane, no shoulder road. The operator of this particular vehicle reached thru the window to get the mail. Splain this to me like I am kindergartner….Did they do this because:

A. they were too lazy to walk the 25 feet from the garage to the mailbox?
B. they are Ubercool?
C. It is a SUV?
D.they wished they wrote the Jackassery Bill of Rights

I KNOW that owning a SUV is in the Jackassery Bill of Rights...As it should be…


      At the gas station I saw a black BMW Z-3. The owner of this vehicle was somewhere in the gas station. I did not see this person, but there were no women in the station, besides the cashier. Just to be safe on my supposition, I went and knocked on the Women’s room door. After getting no answer, I opened the unlocked door, and peered in side. (NOT REALLY) However, I could surmise no women would be in this car. I may have forgotten to mention the air-freshener was a bikini chick. (I guess the case could be made that this car could have been owned by a Lesbian, but I doubt it.) Splain this to me like I am kindergartner…Why is the guy driving this kind of car:

A. fat and bald?
B. middle-aged and wearing a pink golf shirt (or salmon)?
C. thinks he wrote the  Jackassery Bill of Rights?
D. old and still a dork even though he has a cool car?

I think salmon and pink golf shirts
are required by the
Jackassery Bill of Rights.


Some things just confuse old Brucellini…There are no right answers… I am jus’ sayin’ what you all are thinkin’… “One more thing…” Please somebody…
Splain this to me like I am kindergartner…
Just another day in paradise

Sunday, May 23, 2010

OMG!!! Libby is 16…

     I do not feel old today. Although, maybe I should, however, I had a relaxing day Saturday. Usually when a niece,  nephew,or young person gets married, I feel a bit aged…(And maybe a tad bit over-served) The wedding was not nearly as difficult as I thought it would be, as I have an aversion to weddings that is similar to funerals…I love receptions, though!!! Imagine that? However, I much prefer to never go to a dry wedding reception again. But, hey, it was not my day…Congrats to the Bride and Groom….May married life be Good to Andy and Meryl and God Bless!!!
     HOWEVER, The big news this week, not to over shadow a wedding but really, in my little slice of the world, the little girl that used to fall asleep on the half mile ride to school, turned 16. That’s like 2 and 2/7th dog years!!! Seriously, she could not stay awake for five minutes in a car. Now she is old enough to drive. Or at least take her drivers test…soon…VERY SOON!!!

Happy 16TH Birthday!!!!

     Pictures!!! This is a historic occasion, as I have never included a picture in a blog, but there is a first time for everything. Just like a wedding, a funeral and a sixteenth birthday. The guys at Mancave sang a rousing rendition of happy birthday, also a first, to have a girl included in the super secret happenings of the sacred rites of Mancave. (Yeah, RIIIGHT!)
     So the little girl that used to nap on the way to kindergarten is now going to drive. I cannot stop the slight shudder that has gone up my spine. She is still my baby! The same little girl that told me one morning as she was dancing in front of a mirror sans clothes and said, “ I am not naked, I am wearing a sock!”, as she was supposed to be getting dressed for school. Looking back, I was ill prepared to face this little bundle of trouble. How tough can it be? I used to think, she’s just a little girl…
     Opinion flash!! For some reason, the ideas used in training a puppy do not work with a child. For one they can talk back and for another they have a piecing banshee like voice that they use to attempt to manipulate the situation. When two headstrong personalities collide, there is only one winner, but still it is a matter of choosing your battles. There are other reasons as well, but for the sake of expediancy, let's not go there.
     You also cannot simply put a 6 year old in a training crate. Well, admit it we all have WANTED to put our children in  a training crate (doggie den), but the powers that be may frown on that... She can put herself in there, and did on occasion, but the opposing thumb thing and the higher intellect of a child as opposed to a dog makes the locking mecahnism easily defeatable.
     Headstrong and full of piss and vinegar, she can still try my patience. Especially when driving. She actually drove to the wedding yesterday. Roxy was stressed, Libby was driving, and me, I was praying like I was a leper on my deathbed. We get there with the car in one piece and our bodies unscathed, but not without a few years shaved from my allotted life span. But again, I thank God…I sat in the backseat, as the patience is much better back there for some reason…
     The same little girl that wanted to ride the trolley in St. Augustine, FL, and was told by an inexperienced father, that we would ride in the blue trolley. The blue trolley was actually the van we rode to Florida in, so if you can imagine the screeching histrionics that ensued, multiply the sound and duration by ten and it would be close to the chaos. Hey, I STILL think that was funnny... However, I learned something, but because I am an Idiot, I did not apply the lesson immediately.
     A few hours after the blue trolley ordeal, we had the mall fiasco. I thought that the bansheeism was exorcised from her system, but no such luck. It is amazing that the refractory period for bansheeism is so slight...I really have yet to figure out the catalyst to the whole mental meltdown, but I am sure that the length of time awake had an influence. Well that and did I Mention she is headstrong?
     She is growing up. And I am at a loss as to how to reach her. My emotionality, stunted by the Y chromosome, is ill prepared for a young woman. Bull headed, as I am, I do not like to butt heads with her. I usually can come to some kind of compromise, but sometimes my gut reaction to lay down the heavy handed punishment gets the better of me. And as a parent, I am still learning, because she is still growing. There is only one alpha dog in this den. She will be her own alpha dog some day. but for now, I am alpha...
     And at least she is not dating, that I know of. It may be to her chagrin that she does not have a boy that follows her around like little Tucker, but I am Thankful. The last thing I want to deal with right now is some guy with an abundance of testoterone sniffing around our den...In my eyes, She is still my baby...
     The little girl that cut her hair, cut the dogs hair and cut the bed sheet, but swore up and down that she did not do it is going to have a license. BTW, we did find the scissors under her pillow. Imagine that.
     The little girl that I coached, albeit terribly, from u-6 thru u-12 in AYSO is going to be unleashed upon an unsuspecting operator’s arena. God help her and them… Selfishly, I pray mostly for her.
     My little girl is now about ready to take one of the most important steps of her young life. She is about to experience the freedom of driving. ON HER OWN!!! Without adult supervision. And I AM SCARED! She’s still a little girl!! She is not really that old is she? Yes, Bruce she is and man up and accept it.
     I was not fearful when Chris started driving. Call it MCP bravado, or whatever, but my fear was lessened. Maybe it was simply because it was new and he was a boy, and because I was naive. Well, and chauvinistic.
     While I am sure she knows I love her, I am unsure that I convey it enough. She is a wonderful child and neither of my step-children has disappointed me. For that I am tremendously thankful. I love them both. And am proud of them, but on this day, I am proudest of her. For today, she steps one step closer to the danger zone, one step closer to moving on, one step closer to being the woman that I want her to be.
     Time catches up to all of us, even the Pan that I am, realizes I will not be young forever, and that neither will my little girl be forever 6. Letting go, while difficult is my right of passage to insure her right of passage. I know she will be fine. I think she can stay awake long enough to get the car out of the garage and to the store, infinity and beyond…She will handle it. So, I keep repeating this mantra, “She will be fine.” I have been saying it for a long time, but now I must believe it.
Just another day in paradise