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Friday, December 18, 2009

just like in the movies

The other day I was driving my truck. I had to get from a job to a supplier. The traffic was light. The day was clear. There was not a blinding snowstorm or a driving rain. The visibility was above average. Unless you happen to be a blind driver, then possibly, you might have a couple issues.

Because I was in a town where I do not live, I was a little confused. Okay, I was lost. As I drove toward the destination, I realized I had to change lanes from the left lane to the right lane. There was a car approaching in the right lane. I put on my turn signal. The one that signals I want to turn right. Just to clarify, because occasionally I have flipped the lever the wrong way, but the little light on the dash helps to correct me.

The car to my right sped up. And then stayed there. Right next to me. I slowed down. They slowed down. I sped up, they sped up. This went on for what seemed like hours. It was only seconds.

This started to get my red hair agoin’. I was getting a nasty bout of road rage. I think I had a little bit of Tourette syndrome as well. I swerved into them and ran them off the road. The little car was no match for my awesome truck. It was fun. The car rolled. It bounced. It burst into flames. The car blew up. Just like in the movies. I sped off with squealing tires and all. Just like in the movies. The ball of flames and smoke faded and got smaller in my rear view mirror, as I put the pedal down.

Not really, but I thought about it.

Eventually, I slowed down enough to let them pass and some other joker took their spot. I know this second car must have seen the flashing light of my turn signal. Obviously, they had a bigger and better agenda. The second car, however, eventually sped past and I got over into the lane I needed.

When I put on my signal I was signaling my intention. I wished to move into that lane. like my friend Billy says, I am not asking I was telling. They were not listening. The turn signal is not a vestigial appendage. It is a form of communication. It is not like it is hard to see. It is flashing on and off saying “look at me, look at me.” Maybe the people next to me were not paying attention. Maybe they were having a bad day. Maybe they were more important than me.

After all this, I missed my turn and had to drive to the next light, make a couple turns, and head back. I decided not to use my signal. I ran four people off the road. It was fun. Here was shooting and bullet holes….Just like in the movies.
Not really.

Just another day in paradise.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

you have how many drills?

There are many questions in this world. I am not opposed to answering the tough ones. I tackle them head on. How many drills does one guy need? That is a tricky question. It is a question is like the question, “How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop.” A question such as this is not very quantifiable. The easy answer is 10-11. Er, uh, I mean 2…Please allow me to elucidate.

I was working the other day and I really needed a drill. I was taking a door off from a cabinet. While it can be done with wrist action and a hand held screw driver, is much easier to do with the proper power tool. I went out to my truck and to get one. I pondered for a moment. What is the right drill for the job? I went thru the mental list of the drills I had in my truck.

The first thought was the 18 volt cordless Porter Cable. It has a nifty little light that turns on when you pull the trigger. The Porter Cable drill would be fine, albeit a little heavier than the Hitachi 18 volt. However, I also have the corded Hitachi hammer drill. That might have been overkill. While the face frame may have been made form rock maple, it is not really stone. The hammer action is not going to help.

I reached for the Skill lithium-ion mini screw shooter great for tight spaces, such as a cabinet door. This little guy does not have much in the torque department, though. I settled on the Skill LI-ON. It did just fine. Fortunately, the screws on cabinet doors are small and the need for more power is not an issue. For other cabinetry doors, when you want a bit more torque, try the DeWalt 7.2 volt two-position driver drill.

However, there are other drills for other task. Suppose you want to blast a 4 ½ inch hole for a fart fan vent through a band joist. The cordless tools may get the job done but for this job you really NEED a Milwaukee ½” chuck right angle drill. Better hold on tight or you may lose your arm. Torque-o-rama, baby.

What if you are mixing mud to set tile? Reach for the Ryobi ½” multi speed drill. Mixing mud is not rocket science, but it is close to an art. Need to anchor a shelf bracket into a concrete or block wall and do not want to run a 100 foot 12 gauge power cord, use the DeWalt 18 volt hammer drill-driver. Nice.

If you have to run a bunch of Kreig jig holes to build that face frame for that beautiful armoire you are building in the Mancave for the little lady, a DeWalt ½” corded variable speed drill is the answer.

For a light weight dependable cordless that won’t break the bank consider the DeWalt 12 volt. If you are even more strapped for cash, the Ryobi 12 volt is a decent substitution. Any 12 volt driver drill is more than capable to handle most tasks, but if you have the cabbage and the ca-jones, step up to the 14.4 or 18 volt models. They do weigh more than a can of beer, so use caution before slinging one of these around. Work up to the weight, Skippy. Every guy needs at least two power driver/drills. There is no earthly reason, as cheap as they are, not to have a couple.

I know what you are saying…”You have how many drills?” Ten, however, as I was pondering the guns (driver/drills) in the armory, I realized I was missing the newest and greatest of all guns. Seems everyone is shooting those monster screws with an impact driver. Thankfully, Santa is coming around soon. I have not been terribly naughty. Well, except for the prolific perpetrations of f-bombs. And you really can’t blame me for that…it just rolls off my tongue….Maybe he will drop one of those bad dogs in my stocking. Yeah right…f- that…

Just another day in paradise

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

pass it on

I walked past a Salvation Army bell ringer the other day. Tis the season. I dropped a dollar in the bucket like a frequently do. They nodded, smiled and thanked me. It makes me feel good when someone thanks me. Pass it on.

Thank you to my kids. I love them. They are not perfect, but they are good kids. I can brag on them, but I won’t. I still want them to be able to walk thru the front door with their heads on. Having kids humbles you like nothing else. I had no idea how stupid and geeky I was until I had kids. Amazing, isn't it that I have lived this long with so little knowledge.

Thank you for my wife. I love her. It is not often that I thank her for much of anything, but she did bring me my kids. And she does put up with me. That ain’t no picnic. The applause junkie that I am makes me a challenge at times. God bless her for listening or pretending to listen for the hundredth time to that story about that one time….

Thank you to my family. I love them. They helped mold and shape me into the person I am. Good bad or indifferent. The miles and years may separate us, but they are still there if I need them. Blood is thicker than water. What does that really mean? Nice colloquialism, but enigmatic.

Thank you for the white dog. She may be gone but she is not forgotten. I noticed that there are more scraps on the floor after I cook now. She was quite a crumb vacuum. Thank you for the brown dog. The goofy old boy is still alive and kicking. He still has a few puppy moments left in his old bones. He is the brown dog and he is big rap singer…well not really…

Thank you for my friends and followers. I love you all. Without you I am just telling stories to my self. Without you I am not me. To lead a purpose filled life you need the contact, camaraderie, and constructive criticism that helps guide you through the trials and tribulations that happen in this world.

Thank you for my job. With so many unemployed, it is a comfort to know that I have a job. It may not always be a bed of roses, but not working would make me insane. Not that I am not insane already. But just a wee bit.

Thank you for another day above ground. I will take as many as I can get. I’ll take the bad days as well as the good days, because the good days, definitely outnumber the bad. Nothing is as bad as it seems and after all it is…….

Just another day in paradise

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

i am greater than....

I am greater than Tiger Woods. I have never had an affair on my wife. I cannot deal with the differences between men and women having only ONE woman, most times so why would I want to deal with MORE than one. Yeah, I can see the allure of a new relationship with all the lust and fluff that goes along with a new set of breasts and a new derriere, but let’s be real. It is just not worth all the troubles. And just so you know, I do not look at women as simply a set of boobs and a pooper. They are just icing on the cake that is a woman. This blog is not about that issue.

Having been a minor celebrity, (albeit debatable) in my past life, when I was a street musician, I can understand the temptations that accompany those in the public eye. Well, not really. But if someone does slip up, or make the decision to find amorous liaisons out side of the sanctity of the marital vows, that is their issue. I will not make it mine. I may pass judgment, but who really cares? I am not the boss of them. That’s between the parties involved. However, I must admit that I have an opinion.

Tiger Woods is an idiot. If you do not know why, I will take the liberty, no, the pleasure in breaking it down for you. Firstly, his name is Eldrick. If that is not a name that will get you a beating from the class bully, I do not know what is. No wonder he adopted the name Tiger, because it is much manlier. However lately he is more like a cub, or even a tigress. Did he really get his ass handed to him by his wife? Seriously? (perpetrating the rumor mill)

Secondly, he plays golf for a living. Oh, so manly. Come on, seriously? Golf is more like a way to waste a few hours practicing your drunken driving skills in a golf cart, while trying not to break your clubs. I can count on one hand while flipping the bird the number of times I have played golf and enjoyed it.

I have heard that if I learned how to play the game, I would enjoy it more. Maybe. And maybe I would like having my fingernails extracted one by one. Maybe, but I seriously doubt it. Who really watches golf on television? If I only had one channel to watch, and that channel ONLY showed golf maybe I would choose to have my eyes poked with a drill, blended, and sucked out by a Shop Vac. Maybe.

Thirdly, he had it all, and he f-ed it up. He may or may not recover from the most egregious action of detriment to marriage. His sponsers are bailing out like Congress. What does it matter? That is his problem. He could be married to the world’s biggest biatch. Whatever. No excuse. I guess it must be very difficult to say no to all those women. Thank god no is not a five-syllable word, or he may have cheated a bunch of times….oh wait, it looks like he did.

And lastly, and this is my biggest beef, he holed up like a pansy in the winter, after all this. Can you say weak d$%k sauce? If he were a hockey player, like the greatest Captain of all time, Steve Yzerman,Tiger, would be proud of a couple missing chicklets. That is why from now on I will call him Eldrick. That is also why golf is for pussies and hockey is not. C’mon Eldrick, grow a pair. Reach down and count ‘em. Show some sack. Man-up and admit what you did and get back to playing the worlds most pansy-ass sport. Or you can continue to pussabout.

I AM greater than Eldrick. Not that it really matters, that is like being greater than any other idiot. Money and fame does not make you smarter or better. It just makes you more likely to look like a complete idiot to a lot more people. So does blogging. But at least blogging does not give my wife a reason to divorce me. Well, at least a GOOD reason.

Just another day in paradise

Monday, December 14, 2009

if you don like this speed...

The other day, or maybe it was a few years ago, I was sitting around doing nothing. I stayed in my pajamas all day. I watched some television. I ate some food. I drank some beer. Had a couple cocktails. I was lazy. Not that that is very hard to imagine, me, being lazy, but I was. I had the perfect slow day. It was a thing of beauty.

There is something that is just and right about a lazy day. We are all in a hurry all the time. We text, we call, and we twitter. Well, I don’t twitter. Something about the word twitter. I Brit I used to work with called people twits. Somehow when I think of twittering, I think of the people he would call twits. I agreed with most all of his opinions on those he called twits. It was an insult. I do not see myself twittering any time soon.

I only text if it is a matter of importance like life, death, insults, or beer. I text insulting remarks to my friends because it is fun. Much more so than insulting them in person. Well, not really. I still prefer face-to face time over the other means of communication. I have several templates designed to text important things like beer me, Mulligan’s, or Mancave Thursday.

Of course a template is a time saver. I can bank that time for the next slow day. Maybe even get in a 25 hour day. As you go slower time actually SEEMS to slow down. If I move slow enough I may discover the secret to time travel. Maybe. You just don’t know. I do not need to know that it is impossible. I do not need to know the physical improbabilities.

It seems to me our society is flying at breakneck speed. We can’t drive 55…We need to be in constant contact. Society needs a snow day. We only get one shot at life in this world. (as far as I know). Society needs a significant floating holiday. Or at least a half day. A friend of a friend used to say, “If you don’t like this speed you really won’t like the other one.” I use that almost daily. Almost as much as JADIP.

Yeah, I know that society needs to keep moving. Movers and shakers need to keep moving and shaking. You snooze you lose. Time waits for no man. Efficiency, productivity, and best practices, while important, do need to get a rest at some point. Even my laptop gets bogged down if I hyper click, run too many applications, or hit the wrong series of buttons. I would never be confused with a computer savvy person, I can, however, tell when the computer is over taxed when multi tasking. It shuts down. It freezes up. It takes a nap.

Recently I worked for a couple. They were both in wheel chairs. One was in the last stages of a terminal illness. The other was a double amputee. They were very upbeat. They were happy. You can be upset about your bad day, bad haircut, cold food, or any number of trivial things. You do not have to look very far to find some one who has it worse than you. You can rush through this life, hoping and praying that the next is better. Or…… you can slow down and beer me …..

Just another day in paradise