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Tuesday, December 15, 2009

i am greater than....

I am greater than Tiger Woods. I have never had an affair on my wife. I cannot deal with the differences between men and women having only ONE woman, most times so why would I want to deal with MORE than one. Yeah, I can see the allure of a new relationship with all the lust and fluff that goes along with a new set of breasts and a new derriere, but let’s be real. It is just not worth all the troubles. And just so you know, I do not look at women as simply a set of boobs and a pooper. They are just icing on the cake that is a woman. This blog is not about that issue.

Having been a minor celebrity, (albeit debatable) in my past life, when I was a street musician, I can understand the temptations that accompany those in the public eye. Well, not really. But if someone does slip up, or make the decision to find amorous liaisons out side of the sanctity of the marital vows, that is their issue. I will not make it mine. I may pass judgment, but who really cares? I am not the boss of them. That’s between the parties involved. However, I must admit that I have an opinion.

Tiger Woods is an idiot. If you do not know why, I will take the liberty, no, the pleasure in breaking it down for you. Firstly, his name is Eldrick. If that is not a name that will get you a beating from the class bully, I do not know what is. No wonder he adopted the name Tiger, because it is much manlier. However lately he is more like a cub, or even a tigress. Did he really get his ass handed to him by his wife? Seriously? (perpetrating the rumor mill)

Secondly, he plays golf for a living. Oh, so manly. Come on, seriously? Golf is more like a way to waste a few hours practicing your drunken driving skills in a golf cart, while trying not to break your clubs. I can count on one hand while flipping the bird the number of times I have played golf and enjoyed it.

I have heard that if I learned how to play the game, I would enjoy it more. Maybe. And maybe I would like having my fingernails extracted one by one. Maybe, but I seriously doubt it. Who really watches golf on television? If I only had one channel to watch, and that channel ONLY showed golf maybe I would choose to have my eyes poked with a drill, blended, and sucked out by a Shop Vac. Maybe.

Thirdly, he had it all, and he f-ed it up. He may or may not recover from the most egregious action of detriment to marriage. His sponsers are bailing out like Congress. What does it matter? That is his problem. He could be married to the world’s biggest biatch. Whatever. No excuse. I guess it must be very difficult to say no to all those women. Thank god no is not a five-syllable word, or he may have cheated a bunch of times….oh wait, it looks like he did.

And lastly, and this is my biggest beef, he holed up like a pansy in the winter, after all this. Can you say weak d$%k sauce? If he were a hockey player, like the greatest Captain of all time, Steve Yzerman,Tiger, would be proud of a couple missing chicklets. That is why from now on I will call him Eldrick. That is also why golf is for pussies and hockey is not. C’mon Eldrick, grow a pair. Reach down and count ‘em. Show some sack. Man-up and admit what you did and get back to playing the worlds most pansy-ass sport. Or you can continue to pussabout.

I AM greater than Eldrick. Not that it really matters, that is like being greater than any other idiot. Money and fame does not make you smarter or better. It just makes you more likely to look like a complete idiot to a lot more people. So does blogging. But at least blogging does not give my wife a reason to divorce me. Well, at least a GOOD reason.

Just another day in paradise


  1. Yes, sir, YOU are greater than Tiger Woods!

    There is something about having more money than God that makes guys think they are above it all. It seems like it is a lot easier to be good when you are poor then when you are a multi-millionaire.

  2. Between him and fuking TeBlow trying for the Creismen!! I tolerate these pansy-ass's about as well as I do the douche-bags and trash of this world. Stupidity should totally be painful, maybe even punishable by death!


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