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Saturday, December 4, 2010

i have a drivers...re post

TRENDING NOW!!!!TRENDING NOOOOO!!!!! 
1.Bristol Palin( NO WAY!!!wtf HAS SHE BEEN?)
2.Britney Spears (IF she were fat and ugly, she’d never have had a career)
3.Mel Gibson (prolly stepped in it again)
4.Mobile phones (work best when thrown out a car window)
5.Adam Sandler (funny guy)
6.Helen Mirren (had a face lift) 7.Diddy-Dirty Money (I hate rap)
8.Netflix (buy stock now!) 9.Invisible braces (where are they?)
10.X-37B (crashes..no survivors)

i would like to welcome new follower Pearl from Pearl, Why you little... Check her out or you are missing out. Witty, articulate, smart and a bit sassy, but most of all a great read...

please note: since i am kinda *Cat's in the Cradle* right now, i felt a re post is in order...most of you have not read this and those of you long timers...i have made a few modifications...

one of my all time favorite posts...

     I have a driver's license (re post of dec 08, 2010)
     I have a driver’s license. In Michigan they are known as an operator’s license. That strikes fear into my heart. Does that mean that the act of driving is an operation? If it is then I am doctor.
I will,
from this day forward,
be known as Dr. Johnson.
     I am always amazed by the trouble people that have an operator’s license have operating a vehicle. Hey, I know accidents happen. People misjudge the time it will take to perform the various operations involved in operating a vehicle. However it is a scientific fact that two objects cannot occupy the same space at the same time. I have been the cause of accidents and have been the victim of others malfeasance. No blood, no foul.
And thank God for that.
    The other day I was operating my vehicle and I saw the following atrocities. The first operation that was diametrically opposed to operating a vehicle was a guy reading the paper. He nearly rear ended a SUV. A little while later I saw a woman putting on make-up. She nearly hit a pedestrian. Then I witnessed a person drexting. This person nearly ran a red light. Another operator was playing air drums and air guitar. This rocker nearly ran me of the road.
Opinionflash: there is enough multitasking going on in a vehicle just to operate it let alone the other aforementioned functions
     I went to party few years back and did not know many of the other guests. That never stops me from rubbing elbows with the glittering literati of the vacation town in which I lived. Someone asked me what I did for a living. I did not want to tell them the truth. I wanted to do something unusual. I reached into spinzone. I told them I was an insurance actuary. It sounded good. I really did not know what an actuary did.
I Still do not.
But that is not the point.
     I stood there with my clip on shades and long, curly red hair, covered by a doo-rag, wearing a white tee-shirt and jeans with a flannel tied around my waste. I did not want to use the usual true~ness of I live in a van and am a street performer.
bo~O~O~oring. (singsong voice)
(not really...busking was cool, but...)
    I followed with a little yarn about how my job was to go to traffic accidents and gather up the broken glass and take it back to my state-of-the-art laboratory. Once there, I would carefully reconstruct the glass to find out if dirty glass was the cause of the accident. The other people seemed to buy what I was selling. A lot of smiling and nodding went on. After a while, I actually may have believed it myself.
I was in the spinzone.
It was A~W~E~some (singsong voice)
     I moved on with the spin and came up with other factoids about this “new” career I had just adopted. It was fun. I rolled out more BS than SlickWilly chatting up a young, female capitol hill intern. They probably thought I was drunk.
I probably was.
Well, I know I was drinking.
     If today, I were to have the similar situation, I would spin this in a new direction. I would add the factoid that I gathered the stuff in the vehicle and did all kinds of calculations and simulations to determine what non-driving function was involved in the altercation. Sounds like my dream job. Sounds like a lot of fun. And i know I would have an awesome collection of lipstick, eyeliner, cell phones, newspapers, novels and an awesome air drum kit and a sweet air guitar.
Just another day in paradise


8 comments:

  1. Pearl does write a really good blog.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you for the redo. I probably should go back and read the original sometime but...
    And thanks for the link to Pearls blog. Very good.
    You make an excellent blog pimp

    ReplyDelete
  3. @oft- yup. she does...

    @ mynx- i will be posting some re-do's for the next few days and mebbe all week on and off cuz i am just to busy trying to line up a job...the orginal was pretty much the same...but anyone that wants to read my stuff is ok by me...

    i am trying to figure out a way to pimp everyone as much as possible, cuz waking up to a new follower is like awesome and stuff...

    thanks for the compliment as well..

    ReplyDelete
  4. This was a fun post. You are gaining followers like crazy. So happy for you.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I put on makeup regularly while driving, and I drive a stick and live in a big city, overcrowded city. I've had some minor accidents, but none have happened while applying make up.

    I refuse to believe that applying make up would cause an accident!

    ReplyDelete
  6. @ Barb-thanks! Oil field trash pimpmed me good, and i got a voter of confidence in the comments from simple dude...its cool

    @ uninspired- while i have seen this makeup stuff being put on, i am against it. however, if you want to put it on while driving thats cool. i may be opinionated, but i love people being themselves!!!

    ReplyDelete
  7. People are idiots ... and unfortunately that does not disqualify one from driving. It's actually even worse here in the south. They freak out at any kind of weather. They can't even drive in the rain, can you imagine what they would do if it snowed?

    When I was in KY I swore there was a bubblegum machine in a Piggly Wiggly parking lot somewhere that dispensed drivers licenses, because that's the ONLY way some of those people could have gotten one.

    ReplyDelete
  8. @MS- i love the line about the bubblegum machine..i kinda felt the same way when i was living in Louisville ky...what a bunch of non driving mfers...

    the south is definitely not very good at diverse weather...the sad thing is many of the southerners i know are northern transplants...

    they get to the warmth and forget how to drive...

    ReplyDelete

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