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Friday, March 12, 2010

i hear voices...

     I would not say that I have multiple personalities. Multiple personalities are, most times, a bad thing. I am going to say that I do have a lot of voices in my head. These voices sometimes lead me into trouble, but not like the neighbors’ dog telling me to go kill someone, which would be very bad. Just sayin’ I ain’t no serial killer…
     All great comedians have a bunch of voices in their heads. I am not saying I am a great comedian, but I do have a lot of voices in my head. I will not bore you with all of the voices, just a small sampling of my favorites.
     In the morning there is Mr. Bedhead voice. This voice loves to think that you can shower, shave, get dressed, make coffee, feed the dog, start the car, and let the dog out, load the truck and leave in about 3.8 minutes. This voice tells me it is quite ok to hit the snooze again. And again….and again…and again…
      As I am driving to the gas station to load up on caffeine and nicotine, ( the ines food group) because Mr. Bedhead voice was quite wrong about many things including the coffee, the GD could you take that turn ANY slower voice of Mr. Road Rage tries his hand at controlling my grey matter. Amazingly, he is not very active at this time of the day and as I have aged he has become less and less talkative.
      Upon entering the gas station, the voice of damn I am hungry, Mr. Stomach alarm starts to bather incessantly about how long ago he was fed. “Daaaaaamn! Those gas station hot dogs left over from yesterday look MIGHTY tasty. No wonder I was tagged as “the fatty.” Mr. Sensibility voice takes over and quells the banter. I get the business of obtaining the ines and roll on.
      The day is filled with all the voices. Windshield time gives them all an audience. I do, however, control the mute button. But if I cannot find the remote, that is a problem. It is usually stuck between the seats of the truck and buried by stale french-fries and McDouble wrappers.
      The overly cautious Mr. That Could Be a Problem voice loves to talk. When I do get his input it is okay some of the time, but other times he is just plain ridonlkulous. Shut up, we are not going to drive off the Mackinaw Bridge and plummet to our death. Not to mention that the bridge in question is hours away. Geez and golly, focus on something else.
     Yeah, there are a few voices. Some do not talk much, but others love to ramble on and on and on. The Mr. Paranoid (a hold over form my youth, who may or may not have drug problem) voice still believes that the 911 thing was a conspiracy, and that JFK and Mo Jo are hanging with Elvis. He also thinks that they covered up the millennium computer glitch and we are stuck in The Matrix. He could be right, but I really doubt that. Or is he?
     Interestingly enough, he does believe that we landed on the Moon. He seems to talk a lot more when there is a lull in the mundane reality of the everyday grind. He also loves to lob bombs and cause a scene. He is trouble. But he is really easy to control. (That is why they call it dope). Mr. Sensible is always right there refuting his smack. Or is he?
      Mr. Sports Watching voice is by far the most vocal of all the voices, as anyone that has watched a Lions or Redwings, or any sporting event with me can attest to. He loves to come up with insulting names for opposing team’s players. And in the case of the Lions, many of the Lions players.
     The Mr. Obnoxious in a mixed company crowd voice loves to get his drink on. He loves to drunk dial and drunken text. Even when my phone is in the holster, or pocket he has been know to complete this devious accomplishment. He is not much fun the day after, because he does not like hangovers. He is very chauvinistic. He really loves to play the devil’s advocate. However, after a few he does not seem to know when to shut up. He is usually the reason for people either liking me or absolutely hating me when they first meet me. He also seems to think the f-bomb is the world’s greatest word.
     Not to be confused with Mr. Just Sayin’ who is very similar to Mr. O and Mr. SW, but with more subtle overtones…yeah right…he is always right there with those other two, and is hard to differentiate. They are the trifecta of trouble.
     Then there is Mr. Positive spin. He is my favorite voice. He loves to see the glass half full. And he loves to wear those rose colored glasses. How else could I have remained a Lions fan after all these years? Why else do I keep on writing blogs? Everything is better when you look at the bright side. You have to let the voices talk, but know when to shut them up. It is a work in progress. I will never be perfect. But at least I know they are there. Now, so do you… Just sayin’ I ain’t no serial killer…See there is a bright side. Scary, huh kids….
Just another day in paradise


  1. Those are a lot of voices. I'm glad I'm not too aware of mine as it would be mighty distracting.

  2. it does get pretty crowded and loud sometimes...but hey, its like a party most days...

  3. I am really glad you are not a serial killer. Although I do have the benefit of distance on my side


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