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Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Staring out into space.

     There are many things in life that I could regret. I could spend the remainder of my days searching for the answers to all the questions I got wrong. I could, but I choose not too. That would not really change a thing. I could apologize to so many people that I would have to make that a full-time job. And I really do not need another full-time job. So if I have offended you at anytime, this is my blanket apology. This old dog does not do many new tricks. He does spend a lot of time staring out into space. Yup. And thinkin’
     After I got done grillin’ some chicken kabobs and killin’ a few bad guys while washing down the days events with a cold one, I got to thinkin’ and that leads to blogging. I do spend a lot of time staring out into space. And not only while I am driving. Sometimes I sit on the party deck and stare at the neighbor’s yard. And think. I want to blog....I need to blog...
     I think tonight they were doing some odd Frankenstein-ish experiments on their cats. I could not see in the basement window thru the curtain of flowers and from the odd angle I was sitting on the deck, very well, but there seemed to be a lot of flashing lights and such. I suppose it could have been the television. (Probably just the television…Heywood Banks)
     And I really do not know WTF is up with that goat statue. My wife pointed it out this evening, and for the life of me, with all the hours I have logged in my trance-like stare-fests I have never noticed it before. It could be that they just bought it. It could be. However, I thnk to myself, why would anyone buy such a thing? Jus’ sayin’…
     I could sit around and feel sorry for myself while I am staring into space because I have done some awful mean things and hurt a lot of feelings but where does that get anyone? That kind of stuff usually leads to ending up on the wrong side of a gun, and suicide is never an option for a guy like me. I need to be around to atone for my sins and make up for lost time. Or something like that. I really think that God will sort it out.
      Words are just words. I have been called so many names since I was young. I remember four-eyes, carrot-top, creepy, nerd, geek, jackass, idiot, dumbass to name a few. I really do not feel the sting of the words. They are just words... But because that is my MO, does not mean the rest of the world operates on that plane of existence. They need to. I want them to.
     I stared and sipped on a can of blue and watched Tucker hunt down fireflies. It was really comical. Even after along walk, that pup still has a tone of energy. When I feel down, a dog has usually been there to cheer me up. At the end of a long hard day of making big wood into small wood or swapping out a filthy toilet, coming home to a puppy is like walking into a category five hurricane. In a good way. If there is such a thing.
     The life I have lead has been full of good times and bad, but I realize as I get older that I have not taken full advantage of the blessings I have been given. My kids are both nearly grown. Sometimes I wonder how much more they will need me. Except that kids always seem to need the Bank of Bruce. The problem is that the Bank of Bruce is in worse shape than AIG. And the Bank of Bruce never seemed to get all the right forms filled out to get some of that juicy government Bailout cashola. I could be bitter, but why?
     I make it a point to spend much more time rolling on the floor with Tucker than I ever did with old Browndog or ‘Cino. but they had each other, so they did not need to fight with me. He will grow up eventually and not want to play like that. So I take the time now, to enjoy the romping. Because I want to. 
      Sometimes when I am staring into the wild blue yonder I think I never really spent enough time romping with my kids. I did spend some time with them. But really not enough. It is never enough. And now it is too late to get back any of that time. I say this not with regret, but with sincerity and honesty. I was always too busy trying to make a buck, or finding the next job. Or doing something else. I say this not as a judgment on my fatherhood, but as a fact of life. Too early the things we love are taken from us. We I really should appreciate more and criticize less.
      That is not to say that they will not have some great memories of our time together. We did spend many a day fishing, coaching soccer, watching movies, and grillin' or dinin’ out. (It is a shame when white trash gets money) We did go on an awesome vacation to see THE MOUSE as well. But I am also not trying to justify my existence either. I did what I could and still try to connect when it is convenient, more so now for them, than for me. I have a lot more time than a young adult and a teenager. I believe they call my life the life of boring old people…
     These are some of the things I think about when I stare out into space. I think of life past and life future. And some times I just think of funny things to write about. Or what I will do when I retire. What are my wants and needs? F- that I rarely think of retirement, but I do daydream a lot.
     One year not so long ago, or was it? We loaded up the family truckster (National Lampoon's Vacation) in late February or early March and my wife and I took them out to the big lake. As we drove to the big lake, we got a little lost and I relayed the Fucawee Tribe story to them. If you do not know about this tribe try to re-pronounce the word until you get the meaning. as in where the fuck are we  Of course I got THE LOOK from my wife but the kids thought it was funny.
     It was a fairly warm for February/March in Michigan. The sun shone like it was making up for lost time. I think it was what the world felt like at the end of the ice age. if you have never seen the big lake in the winter, it is a must see. The ice flows indeed looks like a glacier. It make me wonder how on earth the Titanic could have NOT possibly seen the iceberg in time. but then again i have run into things in my car that are not nearly as big, and it was not nearly as dark...
     There was still a ton of ice on the water. I mean big glacier sized chunks of frozen water. It WAS the ice-age. The Pan in me could not resist charging out onto the big ice flows like a brazen polar bear. Of course my kids (about 14 and 7 or so at that time) followed suit, Like little polar cubs. Even my wife could not resist the awesome pull of the unknown.
     I included a picture of the Big Lake and what it looked like that day. Ok, not reallly. But if you imagine that picture of the lake covered with giant bergs of ice, well, you'd get the picture!
     I then relayed the *not necessarily factual* Inuit tribe story. The Native Americans that crossed the land bridge where called Inuit. There were some members of the tribe that cautioned against doing the crossing because it would lead to death. When they successfully crossed the land bridge the first thing they said was I KNEW IT! Hence the name…It may be and old joke, but they did not know it…They may have laughed... I remember they did.
      This was when our guardian angels appeared. Or an old crotchety, funkilling couple, but whatever…I heard them say something like, “It is too dangerous to take kids out there!” Of course I ignored them. Buzzkillers. Just like the Inuit Tribes crossing the land bridge we clambered on. In no danger whatsoever, because we were the Fucawee tribe of the Inuit’s…“This is ice!” We laughed and frolicked for what seemed like hours but were probably only minutes…
     Things were just peachy until I decided that we should jump from one glacier down about four feet to a lower glacier. I was a bit cautious. I nearly asked Chris, my son to jump, but something told me to test it first. Like the Hulk, I grabbed up a large chunckus of tundra and tossed it to where I was going to jump. SPLOOOOOOSH! Was the sound it made as it plummeted down, thru the thin ice and into the murky depth below. “I KNEW IT!! We both exclaimed! Probably a good thing the *Buzzkillers* guardian angels said something earlier.
     If Chris had jumped in and had been killed, I guess that would be something I would regret, but no blood no foul…Shortly after that we made our way back across the land bridge to the relative safety of the beach. I cherish that day. It was special.
     With the passing of years the needs and wants of each of us change. I have not felt I needed anyone or anything for a long time. That is what divorce does to you. You never want to be hurt again so you put up a wall and pretend it doesn’t hurt. But we all feel pain. Some of us are just better at masking it. And some of us do things to escape the pain. Crown and Coke Most of us have been hurt and some of us never recover. However, wants are not needs. I want to be with my family. I do not need to be with them.
     Want to be liked and need to be liked are entirely different. As an applause junkie you would think that I NEED to be liked, but I do not. I WANT to be liked. But if you do not like me, oh well, your loss. Seriously, your loss. Jus’ sayin’…
     I want to do more things with my loved ones. I want to spend more time appreciating them. I do not need to. That NEED word sounds like work. Want to sounds like much more fun. I want a million dollars. I do not need a million dollars. It would change my life yes, but I do not NEED it…
     I need to breathe, eat, drink water, and a little scotch..  I do not want those things; I NEED them. I want to be happy, I want to feel love, and I want to love. I do not need these things, I WANT them. I will die alone. Not that I mean I will not be surrounded by loved ones, because they WILL all out live me, but no one will die for me. I will have to answer for my transgressions, no one else. They can choose to be there with me. If I can figure out how to have someone die in my place, then I will also die very rich and a LONG LONG LONG time from now…Staring out into space and thinkin…
Just another day in paradise

1 comment:

  1. Love the story about the trip to the lake and you made some pretty good points about wants and needs


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