The holiday plan

     It is nearly the Fourth of July…I know you all have plans for the 4th. I want a plan. Hell, kids I NEED a plan. I know I have said there is a difference between wants and needs, but I forgot to include that along with air and water, everyone needs a plan. Life comes at you pretty fast, as Ferris said, so I agree, you have to grab it and that takes a plan.
     After a few daddy pops many things sound much better not just in principle, but in practice. So after a little lubrication I sat down on the party deck and grabbed a legal pad and hatched this Great Idea! So much liquid courage, so little brainpower…
     I need to rob a bank. Not just any bank mind. For example AIG is a good place to start. Or Chase. Robbing a bank, while there are inherent risks does seem to be pretty simple. After all I would just be taking back the money the greedybastards stole from us with their ponzischeme shellgame shenanigans. And they are not that smart…
     If they can’t seem to figure out that if you sell people houses they cannot afford AND overvalue property until the bubble bursts that is bad business, screw them. If you then couple that with hocus-pocus ARM’s so the buyers really cannot afford the house is it any wonder that you MIRACULOUSLY end up with millions in uncollected debt. How is that NOT a good plan? sarcasm ? Then f-them. They deserve a good asshanding, NOT a BAILOUT!!
     I know I will be a modern day Robin Hood. I can borrow my friend Cindy’s beau’s way cool hat and buy one of those goofy black velvet masks, and no-one will know who I am. I will even buy a set of elevator shoes  the ones with goldfish in them so I look taller and dye my hair rainbow colors, just in case I lose that hat. And under the cheap mask, camouflage eye-black, just in case!!!
     I will walk in broad daylight with a Stallonesque armament of guns and ammo. Relax people; I will not have to use them, as the mask and hat will probably scare people into submission. And if you are really worried I will resort to plan Z. I Love plan Z! (Spongebob, the movie)
     For plan Z, I have lots of tools. I bet some of those will be good for breaking into the bank. Or I could just lob a couple bricks thru the window, because there is enough glass in most banks to bury a NYC block. Jus’ sayin’….
     Worried about the alarms? Not me!!! I know how to disarm a home security system, so how tough can it be? We are talking about the guys that brought us the worst economy since the Great Depression, so really, I bet the alarm system is like two cups and a piece of string between two fat, old, partially crippled part-time security guards. Oh and a clogged can of pepper spray. The greedybastards used the money for an adequate alarm system buying a couple Yachts and an all expense paid week at Vegas for about 300 CEO types…
     After my successful coup de baquero (I love pseudo-Sprench) I could use the money for….Use the money for… wait for it…wait for it...
     Loose women…. A Case of Crown…. Buy a Limo….and…. A no-holds-barred road trip to Vegas. In a limo!!! With a bunch of women as hot as a porn-queens ass! That’s what I am talking about!!! Did you get a little carried away there, Bruce?
     On the way I would make a little pit-stop in Indiana. Why a stop in Indiana? The 4th is nothing if something doesn’t blow up. And someone doesn’t loose and eye or arm or something. Mom always said don’t play ball in the house but I am still not really clear on the whole explosives thing. I will have to ask her next time I see her. Carte Blanche until then with the fireworks and stuff…
     Of course I would buy some explosives…Buy some explosives, I like the way that sounds. Then I could blow some stuff up, because nothing says happy birthday America quite like the sound of bombs. Rockets red glare and Bombs bursting in air!!! And people wonder why our nation is so violent? Violence breeds violence…jus’ sayin’…
     Absofuckinglutely NO GD sparklers… WTF is up with that? You can buy sparklers in Michigan but not bombs? Have you ever grabbed a hot end of one of those things? And I am talking about as an adult, because your drunkass did not quite see the orientation of the stick when Libby set it down I know you have as a kid, but I am quite sure you have as an adult as well. Those things are dangerous!
     I would much rather risk getting a mortar in the face, mostly because I am not quite stupid enough to look down the tube after I light it, than ever see a sparkler again…Besides I can always point the tube at the neighbors house…maybe hit that goat statue thingy…and their grass is sooo green that I could not catch it on fire with a sparkler.
     When I get to Vegas I will bet it all on black (Passenger 57 ??? But I think the line is always bet on black). Of course, I will win! I will win a bunch! I’m talking billions! My blog, I do what I want! So much that I could afford to drive the limo to Hawaii. Of course I know you can’t drive to Hawaii, because there are no gas stations, but if it were in the Gulf it wouldn’t be a problem, thanks BP…oh and BP don’t think you are not on my radar…
     I would not drive; I would buy a Leer Jet and bring my entourage along. Hell, when I got to the islands I would use my billions to buy Maui. And become the dictator of Maui. Then I would secede from the USA. And declare war on Iran or Canada. Because I can.
     Actually, I would leave my violent ways behind and I would live like a rock star. They would never find me, my disguise was so cool and my plan so fool-proof… Or I could party with Liz and Aaron. Here in Michigan. It’s probably safer that way. Besides I am too man pretty to go to jail…But I can still get drunk and blow some stuff up! Happy birthday USA!! Let’s keep it safe out there…Jeez…sparklers??? Seriously?

Just another day in paradise