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Sunday, February 13, 2011

sunday monster snipets 2-13

in my....PANTS!

Content warning: this post refers to genitalia. and sex. Some words may offend some of you. I am not very politcally correct. If you are feeling very soft and gentle today you may want to skip this post.....

this may be more your speed....

or mebbe this...

prolly not this...
but you can stop by anyway!
say bruce sent ya!

1.Chelsea Clinton (hubby going crazy)

2.Elizabeth Taylor (died)
3.Kelsey Grammer (daughter got married, who really cares?)
4.Zooey Deschanel (my latest stalker…)
5.Valentine flowers (just say no!!!)
6.Carrie Underwood (comes outta the closet)
7.Chile earthquake (shaking some stuff up)
8.Whaling shipwreck (Moby wins this round!)
9.Arnold Schwarzenegger (he’ll be back)
10.Asthma (sucks and blows)
This weeks JADIP blog is sponsored by
SemiTrue ToryStellar

welcome new BIA 
bushmanjeffery at a simple life

dudemeister41 at well this doesn't suck

(i guess) I am supposed to write a post about a topic with the title monster in my pants. I find this  ironically funny because I recently had a cancerous tumor removed in the pantal region and have only worn actual pants like 5 times since the surgery. And beleive me, putting on pants does remind me of the monster down there.

But then again so does a prostate exam.

But on to the post.

The monster in my pants...sss...

When I was a young child, I rarely wore pants. I was often found traversing the neighborhood sans diaper and usually got busted playing with the hose. No perverts, not my hose, a garden hose. Jeebus, I was only like two. I didn’t learn how to play with that hose until much later.

Like when I was three.

Mebbe four.

Being a guy, as I have grown, I have noticed the world revolved around all kinds of war related stuff (and you can read about it in The Guy Book) and fighting the evil in the world. Monsters were a part of that evil. The monsters were not all real.  Some were imagined and some were a part of us. We have been accused of thinking with our small head. 

OH THAT monster...

Yes virgin..ia there is a monster in my pants.

I am not going to lie. I have had a couple virgins...but that is another story...nah...mebbe not...however! The monster in my pants made me say “I love you” to several girls that I really did not love.  I used to keep a cubic zurconia ring in my glove compartment of my truck and the line was always ready,

"Yeah, baby, if I didn't really didn't love you, would I give you this?" (Presents ring...)

All for the sake of letting the monster out. The monster in my pants knew no satiation, no release, no closure, until he got what he wanted.  Until he soaked up the sweet essence of sexy. The warm wetness of the center of her. Until we dipped the wick. And the penultimate release.

And you all know what that was. and is.

Orrrrrrrgasm! (singsong voice)

Having a daughter is peotic justice. It is karmic retaliation. It is a boon, but it is my bane!

There is really nothing else in the world that compares to the feeling of intercourse. The furbisquit and fuckpole boogie. horizontal bop. bumping uglies. doing the nasty. making fish tacos. boinking. boffing. beach blanket bingo. nude napping. x rated petting. fucking. doing it. or fucking. (I know i repeated myself...)

 (or as my evil twin would say fuck! fuckity fuck fuck! if you like the word fuck, he is your guy!) And my monster knew that. He did not care that I had to lie. He did not care what I had to do to get him where he wanted to be. He controlled my thoughts, dreams, vocalizations, and life from the time I had my first woody until…



and then some...

You See, people, the urge to procreate is strong. And the urge to spread the seed is also. Every dog needs a place to bury his bone...My monster also knew that and took advantage of the situation. I am fortunate that I do not (that I know of) have any biological offspring. (and so are all you all) But the monster in my pants did not care.

Women have a monster in their pants as well.

But I love that monster. Everyone knows I am just a lesbo trapped in a man's body...

The monster and me are inseparable. Partially because we did not marry this girl  (that sad sack licker to her right?  john wayne bobbit...) i still shudder every time either name is mentioned. eeewww...

The monster and I also dodged the bullet of venereal disease and were unprotected before the actual knowledge of AIDS, but were also unscathed by this particular scourge of our promiscuosity.

Yeah, promiscuosity.

What about it?

Overall, I am fondly and completely attached to the monster in my pants. I do so love him. As we have matured, we have come to terms with the past. I still need to keep him in my pants. He still has a rambunctious side. However, he is much more easily distracted nowadays.

While we did enjoy the 12 and a half minutes we used to religiously spend on foreplay, and the time we were in the wet zone, we have adapted to our age. We are much more slow to arouse, but can last longer. Well, as long as there is no game on.

Or it is not like hella late, or the kids don’t bust in, the dog doesn’t bark, or we are not distracted by work. And, thankfully the monster and I do not yet need to use Viagra. We still like to roll over and take a quick nap after the sex act. But mostly, we no longer need to lie to women to get a piece of ass.

We now lie to them just for the fun of it.

Damn that monster anyway!

Just aMONSTER Day in (a) paraPANTS


  1. Fantbulous post Bruce. Given me a good giggle this Valentines morning. Seems he is a very lucky monster to escape pretty much unscathed.
    And yes, Karma is a bitch. lol

  2. When I saw this I was like "Do I really want to read a full page blog about bruce's junk?" But Im glad I did this was hilarious, and true to life. KICK ASS!

  3. I like things in pants as long as it doesn't require antibiotics. hahah

    Thanks again for the award. I just posted it today. (forgetful me!)

  4. All I can say is "Hahahahahahahahaha". Great one.

  5. You did so well with the Monster post!!!! Yay!!!!

    Very funny and true. Thank you for humoring me!!!

  6. Is it safe to say that you like doing the horizontal bop and the vertial bop?

  7. Oh, I forgot to add, would the theme song of this post be 2 Live Crew's "Me So Horny" or "The Fuck Shop" ?

  8. Mynx- glad i started your Vday out good...hope you see the monster, ifin you want to!

    Jared-Glad i amused you. i know, Right? a post about some guys junk? that is why it had to be funny!

    ckrets- yeah, antibiotics and in your pants suck! glad you had a great worries about passing on the award!

    BB-glad to make you laugh!

    Lyndylou- thnaks!

    Tory- it was a piece of cake....sorry it took me so long to get this out...glad you liked it, i was worried that people would not like it... nah, just too egotisitcal to worry about what people think...

    G-yes on the fucky dance, but i do not know about the music...not a big fan of 2LC...

    OfT-thanks man!

  9. I am SOOOO glad I've never, ever, not even once...let my little head do the thinking for my big head...oh, it's just you I don't have to lie :-)

  10. you mean that ring you gave me was a fucking FAKE?!

  11. Hahaha! This is very appropriate for V-Day! If it weren't for guys like you, the ladies wouldn't have any fun at all.

  12. If I let my 'monster' do the thinking for me, I'd be serving life in prison. With no chance of parole (or conjugal visits... sorry monster).

  13. Being that you dedicated an entire post to my favorite topic (ding dongs) I award thee a gold star. And you get another gold star for using my all-time favorite swear word (f*ck) multiple times! Very enlightening and entertaining post. Who knew that guys actually keep a fake diamond ring stashed in their glove box...
    Have a effingtastic week!!!

  14. All hail to the one-eyed monster that dwelleth below. May it have mercy on thee.

  15. what a riot of a post - cool
    All hail the trouser snake and all his evil wanderings

  16. this was too funny you did a great job writing this one thanks for the evening giggle.

  17. chief aka dad-exactly!

    kage- oh no honey that one was the real deal...that is why it was so small..

    soapbox-thank you! i am happy to amuse!

    beer4shower- i hear could be very bad...

    empress-thanks for the gold stars! you rock...glad i could make your day!

    dudemeister-true dat, my friend, true dat..

    G-glad you liked it...

    Becca-thanks! good to hear you giggle!


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