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Saturday, December 12, 2009

the most important invention...

Indoor plumbing has probably changed the way we live more than any other advancement of our modern world. Yeah, you can bring up HDTV, cell phones, and laptops. They are all cool gadgets. They are not necessities. They are nice to have, but not needed. Anyone that NEEDS these items, well, NEEDS to reconfigure the priorities of life. Yup, I have all these items. I would be willing to trade them and some cash for a clean toilet when I am on the road and have a turtle-head poking at the cloth.

There is no option in a vehicle called a Redi-Jon, or some similar item. Unless you are wearing a diaper like that crazy astronaut lady, you have to find a toilet. Outside of your vehicle. If I were in charge of designing cars, I would figure THAT option out. I would figure out the car seat Redi-Jon. I would make it so number two….

When a toilet is functioning properly, it is an underappreciated thing of beauty. When it is not handling the business of its business; it is a disaster of biblical proportions. I have unclogged a few toilets in my day. I have removed a few toilets that have the spoils of the day still in them. Not because I wanted to, but if the plunger does not work, there is another reason that the throne is clogged. Unfortunately for me, to get to the point where it can be un-stuck, some times you have to pull the bugger up and that can be unpleasant.

All that being said the other day, while I was in a public facility, I noticed a sign above the stool. It said, “DO NOT PUT ANYTHING BUT TOILET PAPER IN THE TOILET.” I took this message to mean that you could still carry out vital life functions as the toilet is designed to handle, but not to put, oh I don’t know, anything like Snickers wrappers, used fan belts, socks, or PAPER TOWELS in the orifice of flushability.

There is something wrong with a society that has to be told not to flush anything but TP and human excrement. Ok, occasionally I have driven to the porcelain bus. I will give vomit its toilet pass as well. However, hurling out the window at highway speeds is also a thing that should be tried once in your life. Just for the sheer excitement of it. You will understand why dogs put there heads out the window after that classic drinking debacle.

Toilets 101, people, would tell us that the size of the hole in the bottom of the toilet is the maximum size of objects that can be readily flushed. The typical home has three inch or four inch main waste lines. These lines are hard material. They are not expandable to accommodate objects larger than the diameter of the pipe.

I understand the principle of the sewer. Excrement does indeed run down hill. When it comes back up hill there is a reason. The objects that clog a DWV (drain waste vent) pipe are usually NOT supposed to be in the line, or not in the amount that they are. It is like a dam on a river. It’s got to go somewhere. Who am I kidding; it is almost always something that should not be flushed. It is usually a snickers wrapper, a fan belt, paper towel or sometimes a tennis shoe.

Just another day in paradise


  1. "used fan belts" and "orifice of flushability" - lmfao.

  2. husbands do not like it when you hurl out the window at high speeds.


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