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Friday, February 19, 2010

They’re Grrrrreat!

     It is Friday! Another work week is in the books. As I celebrate TGIF I am saddened a little. Why? I was driving today on the commute to the jobsite and all Bakita and Grey, the morning sports show I listen to, could talk about was Eldrick Woods. When I went to get lunch, the biggest idiot to have a sports talk show, Jim Rome, also had to talk ad-nauseum about the “Eldrick Presser”. The Huge idiot from three to six had to blather about this as well.
     Hey bucketheads! MSU is playing the fukguys from OSU on Sunday, at noon. Think maybe we could talk about some college round ball? I am sure some Gilbert Arenas thug wannabe NBA future star thought about bringing a gun to the locker room today. That is news.
     Pitchers and catchers reported for spring training yesterday. Bondo and Z seem healthy. You know it is bad when I am clamoring for news about baseball, the longest running sport in the world. Oh, wait, can you say NASCAR? Don’t get me wrong, I like baseball. I like it more when the Tigers win. I think the season is about 80 games too long, however.
     I need my morning and afternoon commute sports fix. I do not need to hear about the dumb golfing cheater. Talk about Cricket, Jai-alai, high school bowling, or the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders. I would rather hear about a beer pong tourney. Why not talk about the Olympics and the Biathlon. C’mon, a sporting event that combines cross-country skiing and a gun. How cool is that? Gilbert Arenas, come on down…

     The only tiger besides the boys of summer donning the old English “D” I want to see on television is Tony. He buffed up in recent years and it has to be because of the mass quantities of Frosted Flakes. I also heard he swore off gas station hot dogs. He’s GRRREAT! He is not a sex addicted (Yeah, right) so called sports figure. Eldrick is a man that lacks character. Lots of women throw themselves at me every day, and I don’t need to cheat on my wife. I have character and an aversion to complicating my life with another woman. I do not need a club in the mouth and a handful of chicklets (teeth). If I lose a chicklet playing hockey ball okay, but my wife and a golf club….not so much. I may have exaggerated that point a bit. No, not the character part, the other part about women and the throwing. And, no, I do not mean they throw up when they see me…I digress…
     News flash. Every species on the planet is addicted to sex. It is also known as procreation, AKA, spreading the seed. It is a biological mandate to have sex. It is how mankind and other animals insure the survival of the species. It is also how the gene pool became so watered down that some people find watching golf better than making babies.
     I do not care if he cheated. I do not care if his presser was orchestrated. I do not care if it was a speech that he did not memorize. I do not care if his wife was not there and his mother looked pissed. I do not care if he ever plays golf again. I would rather hear about what happened in the Olympics; didn’t USA women’s curling team square off against the team from Denmark last night?
     As a side bar, the sport of curling, while I do not understand it completely, is not as boring as you may think. It would be better if the young hotties from Denmark were competing in bikinis, but hey, it is not a perfect world.
     I hate golf. And not just because I lost a small fortune in my last fantasy golf league when Eldrick got clubbed by his wife and I had him starting the next tournament. (Seriously…me…in a fantasy golf league…really? I cannot imagine how bored with life you would have to be to participate in something like that. Better buy a gun and some bullets while brass is cheap.)
     Golf is a stupid game and Eldrick is the face of the game. Hence Eldrick = stupid. For those of you that like golf and Eldrick that’s okay with me. Do not, however try to tell me I would like it more if I played it or understood it. I understand a lot of things I do not like. Golf is just one of the many.Eldrick f-ed up and i do not feel sorry for him. 
     You might think I would find golf cool because you can drink while playing it, but even alcohol cannot rescue golf from malaise. Why should anyone care what Eldrick had to say? Why care if it was televised or not. Farting in a Jacuzzi is more exciting than watching golf. No one really knows you did it until they smell it. No one wants to see video of your buttblast frothing the myriad of bubbles in a hot tub, they definitely do not want to smell it, and no one really wants to watch a bunch of men in very odd clothing hit a little ball into a cup. SERIOUSLY.
     BTW…Norman the spell checker is having fits with the number of Brucisms I am spewing today…I think he needs a vacation.
     Boo-hoo, leave my family alone. I messed up….blah, blah, blah. WHO F-ING CARES. Isn’t figure staking and ice dancing competition heating up? I mean really. Eldrick only cares about the millions of endorsement dollars he is losing. Man up punk! You did not seem to mind all the attention when companies were throwing money at you like the government to AIG. You got punked by your wife, because you were STUPID! You also bought into all your own hype. Pride does come before the fall. It also comes before the sand wedge.
     SOBER UP people!!! All you talking heads that are pretending to be sports reporters listen to me now as I tell you later… team Canada nearly lost to the Swiss national team in Olympic hockey. If it wasn’t for punkass crybaby Crosby getting a second chance at Hiller, thanks to a glitch in the international rules that lets punkass hockey dirtbags get two shoot out attempts… oops lost my temper… I would rather have the sports pundits talk about the Crybaby than Eldrick. Anyone that has watched the Stanley Cup playoffs with me knows how much I hate Cindy Crosby…
     All of Canada is having a hissyfit. And Canada plays USA on Sunday. I hear it will be bumped in favor of Ice dancing….seriously? Hockey will be on MSNBC. At least it is not getting bumped by a replay of the Eldrick presser. I would probably have to go all Marcellus Wallace on someone’s ass.
     Fact: I would rather have my eyes propped open with bamboo slivers, and my asshair and pubicpatch hot waxed as I am forced to watch men’s figure skating and ice dancing simultaneously while gansta rap weaved with pan flute cover music is piped into surgically implanted headphones than hear one more word about Eldrick.
     Hey, I just turned on the television to find that international Olympic Committee read my mind and the girls with brooms from Denmark are Curling in bikini’s…HOT!! As the first TIGER I knew used to say… “they’re GRRREAT!!
Just another day in paradise


  1. You should REALLY check out Womens Flat Track Roller Derby if you liked Curling!

  2. do you know of a link for this like on you tube or something? i would be interested...i guess i could just google it, but that would takt away from my blogging time....

  3. i shot a documentary on women's flat track roller derby, and ever since they've been inviting me to their events. schmohz and new holland brewing are both sponsors if you want to check it out sometime.


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