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Tuesday, February 16, 2010

the fashion police

     I do not claim to be a man of fashion. I am not the fashion police. I do not plan my wardrobe. I do not shop for clothes. I buy clothes when I need them. I have flannel, jeans, Hawaiian shirts, tie-dye, and t-shirts. I do love hats as well. Oh and I have one suit jacket that my wife abhors. I really like it. It is not very attractive to a lot of people, but it fits. Or at least it did last time I wore it. It does not see the light of day very often. I have about 4 ties, two pair of dress pants, and three dress shirts. And if I run out of underwear between washings I am not afraid to go commando.
     I do not have to get all Granimal to pick an “outfit.” All colors go with white. And black. And t-shirts. And flannel. But who really cares. I do not obsess or get OCD when I have to go out. I do not care what I look like. I cannot see myself. I do however know what I am wearing, and know what it looks like. I do have some fashion sense; however I have picked what I like to wear, because it is easy on my eyes when I look in the mirror. And we all know it’s all about me….
     I know some people may question my wardrobe. But there is no fashion police department, so I do not have to worry what I wear. I do, however, reserve the right to comment on what other people wear.
    Here are some random thoughts. Things that make me go WTF are you thinking? First of all, I am sure that many people do not have a mirror in their house or do not look in the mirror before they leave the toasty confines of their abode. If they do happen to have a mirror it is a mirror that lies to them like in Snow White.
     Maybe they have some kind of a funhouse mirror that is very flattering no matter what they wear. It is one of those reasons or they are vampires. Because if they looked in the mirror, they would probably not make the choices they make. Or they could be like me, and not give a damn. Or maybe I have one of those fun house mirrors, and I do not know it. Nah, that is impossible.
     If you are overweight, then do not wear clingy clothes, for instance stretch pants. Stretch pants look stupid on most people, but if the seams are straining like an anchor rode in a storm, struggling to hold a boat from smashing into the sea wall, I would hazard a guess that the pants do not work for you. Make another choice. Spandex is not an option. Horizontal stripes are also on the prohibited list.
     If you are really skinny, do not wear clingy clothes as well. No one wants to count your ribs. Or see your knobby knees looking like a drumstick on an overcooked turkey nearly poking thru the cloth. Try to avoid vertical stripes as well. This is just common sense; you do not want to look like a walking prison cell, albeit a very narrow one.
     All in all, the tight fitting spandex look is goofy at best and totally stupid at least. If you really want to walk around naked, then do it, because if I can see every fold, rib and muscle then I am usually close to puking, and that fashion f- up is the reason. Unless you are at the gym, in an 80’s hair band or alone in your house, you should not wear spandex. Even then you should exercise caution, because you probably look stupid at best and well let’s just end it at that.
     No one should wear jeans that cost more than $100.00. If that is not a ridiculous amount of money for jeans I do not know what is. Just sayin’ if a pair of jeans cost that much they better be the only reason you get laid. Or they should have a built in alarm clock. Maybe they can make toast and tea as well. At least they should look like they were not used, or picked up from a second hand store.
     However if you have the money to spend and want to waste it, be my guest. Just so you know I will not be impressed. I may laugh at your stupidity, though. Last pair of jeans I bought cost $17.00. Yeah, I am cheap. But I do not expect the jeans to get me laid, make toast or wake me up in the morning. I expect them to keep me safe from debris and hold my wallet. Not that there is any cash in my wallet, or credit cards, but I do have an operators license for the State of Michigan and a voters registration card.
     I do not know what possesses someone to even think about wearing Capri pants. God awful. When I was a kid we called them flood pants. Well, flood pants were not really Capri pants, but they are cut form the same cloth, so to speak. A big no-no. Either wear shorts or pants, do not try to wear both, or some bastardization of the two.
     I hate turtlenecks as well. They do not look bad on the right person, but that person is not me. I do not like the tightness around my neck. Maybe it is my paranoia. Maybe it is that funhouse mirror that came with the antique dresser set we bought.
Just another day in paradise

1 comment:

  1. I look hot in 3/4 cargo pants. Shorts, not so much.


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