If you can imagine me driving and coming up with yet another blogging idea then you are either a regular reader or you know me fairly well. As a shameless self-promoter, I have always loved to share my stories, whether I was playing a gig, or in a group of strangers I have always liked to spin a yarn. Some of you may say I love to take poetic license and blur the lines of reality. However, the following is true. As are all my blogs.
Every song I ever wrote is a story of some sort. I even wrote a song based on a fortune cookie, titled “Fortune Cookie.” This story is no exception. It really did happen while I was driving. Some events may have actually happened, and some may not it was all a blur, it was dark and there were so many of them.
A few days ago I was driving home from work. It had been one of those days where the seat heater pad for my back could have been set to 10 degrees less than the temperature of the sun and it would not have been enough heat. My son was in the passenger seat, so he can verify the facts. The day was brutal. I was shrecked. Demolition is brutal. I rarely have to work that hard. It was a 2 vicodin and 3 shots of Crown Royal type of evening. (I seriously do not mix my buzzes like that. Why waste a buzz by trying to do both…)
We were driving back from a job in Holland, Michigan. It may have been better if we were coming back from Amsterdam. Talk about mixing a buzz. Then the events that transpired would not have seemed so strange. As we approached the underpass, something fell to the road. It was a deer. A deer fell out of the sky on my way home. I checked for a miniature sleigh and 7 tiny reindeer. But there were none. Sheila was no help, but she does not have a radar button. All she cared about was that I make the next right turn. You would think after all we have been through she would have said in her computer-generated mono-tone, "it is raining dear." And she damn sure did not say it is raining deer. Raining deer? Yes it was.
The first thought that crossed my mind was Santa was pissed and he took away the flight ability from one of his charge. Actually, that was not the first thought, the first thought was “Damn, it is raining deer.” I have heard it has rained frogs before. It happened in the movie Magnolia. Well, maybe my first thought was Thank God it didn’t hit my truck. I do not remember exactly my first thought. It happened so fast, it was dark and there were so many of them.
Well, really, there was only one deer, it was still before dusk, but it did happen fast. If the deer had hit my truck that may have messed up my day a bit, no to mention what it would have done to my truck. Thankfully, I was wearing my “As Seen On TV, High-Definition-Wrap-around Sun goggles. This Christmas gift probably save my life, my son’s life and all the people within my “scared shitless radius” (The amount of room in feet that your vehicle needs when you make a radical maneuver to avoid a particularly hazardous road hazard). Without those glasses we could have been toast.
Although road kill is good eatin’ and my favorite is cat, I am sure the piss bag on this non-flying deer was toast and that has a tendency to poison the rest of the meat, especially after a collision at 55 mph. (seriously, really you think I eat road kill? I can’t even clean a fish.)
Once when I was living in the van, I was coming home from the Island (Long Island) and something hit my van windshield. Talk about “Scary, huh kids!” “Shit!” as Bill Cosby said, “First you say it, then you do It.” Absolutely. And you know I tired to get out of the way, by squirming on the drivers captain’s chair, making the mess in my undergarments even worse, never mind that I had a windshield to “protect” me.
If you have ever driven in the Big Apple, or on the Island there are a million places to exit when you do not need to, but heaven forbid if you are in a non-exit lane and need to get over to exit and check you undies for some scared sharting.
When something like a deer falls from the sky and Santa is MIA, it makes you take stock in your life. Easily, that deer could have hit my truck. Easily, I could have been injured, disfigured, or killed. i could have broken my HD glasses. But it didn’t. Thank God for that. It would have been even worse if the deer had hit the passenger seat injured or killed my son. A parent should never outlive a child even if a spawn of Satan’s, er I mean Santa’s entourage is the culprit. It’s raining deer. Not reindeer. That season is past.
Just another day in paradise