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Monday, June 13, 2011

here's to le bong james

 In honor of the self appointed king of the Not Buying Atrophy this year Miami Heat... (Le Bong James does not win again!)

fuck yeah!

here is the post i wrote after he signed with the Heat. it turns out that you cannot just buy  a trophy, i guess...   


It has been hot lately and humid. That is much better than snow. I can always take off a few more clothes…fighting visual, aren’t ya? Thank god I still have a few blue Speedos floating around the underwear drawer…Hazy, lazy days of summer sure beat the cold, calculating, cutting air of Michigan winter…It is not the heat…
I hate when someone tells me it’s at least it’s a dry heat  as well. Oh, the stupidity! Hot is hot, cold is cold. Humidity is evil, but hey this is Michigan, wait five minutes the weather will change. Oh well, it is Nothing But Athing
I pulled the cover from the grill around noon yesterday to have an impromptu BBQ and Roxy threw the cushions on the chairs, and said, “Well, I don’t have to worry about it raining.” Yes, you would think that statement was accurate. Not so much... I was out there fifteen minutes later grabbing the cushions in a torrential 5 minute squall. Oh no! maybe I will be Not Bar-be-queuing Anything…. Then it was sunny again…Okay, that was a bit more than 5 minutes but you get my point…
When we were young we did not have central air. We did not have even a window rattler. We had fans. They blew the hot air around in an effort to help the heat go away. It didn’t work. You were simply dealing with hot air blowing around. Maybe that is why SO MANY people of our generation are so full of hot air. I do not remember the first time I heard, It’s not the heat, it’s the humidity.” Nothing But A long time ago.
I read a lot of comic books when I was young and in one of these comics I saw an ad for a book that could help those of us that were not living in the hoity toity subdivisions near my neighborhood, like Princeton Estates where central air was probably more common. I sent away for manual called something like Nordic BTU Assimilation, Thermodynamics and Michigan summer.
The book was not as cool as my secret decoder ring, and from what I remember it talked mostly about this new fangled idea called Central Air. My father believed that color TV was the devil and he could see color in the B&W console we had, so the chance of us getting central air was almost as good as LeBron staying in Cleveland finding a dinosaur skeleton in my sand box.
The best way to beat the heat is to beat the stupidity. Shut the windows on the sunny side of the house early in the day and close the drapes to keep the heat out. Then draw in the cooler air on the shady side of the house. Central air is not needed, but it is sure really COOL!!! There are other secrets but I am holding back a few, just try this one first. Or get central air. It will help when the hot air of the Opinionflashers start spewing the *facts.*
The last week in sports saw the most ridiculous occurrence in my recollection. I blame this media circus for the swing in local temperature. We could blame global warming global climate shift. We could also blame the Russians as I am sure they have a weather machine, which is not covered in any of the disarmament treaties that have been signed since the cold war. I know think they use it to f with our American Chi...
If you do not know what I am talking about, you have been mercifully free of the ravages of stupidity know as The LeBron LeBong James, (lbj) signing. As most of you know, he is the self appointed KING of the NBA Nothing But Arrogance. This  IS the ONLY STORY in sports. For some reason, unlike all the real good sports, NBA free agency starts like three decades before anyone can sign to a new team. Not only is this a mind-bendingly dumb idea, it causes the sportsheads to look for no other valuable things to report.
This causes the entire  world of sportsheads, for three millenniums, to focus on where the f- is lbj going to land. The ludicrosity of it all is the inane banter and the constant complaining by the sportsheads about how this story won’t go away. Opinionflash! It does if you stop talking about it. Just like Eldrick. I would rather hear about his dalliances than ONE MORE word about lbj…Jus’ sayin’
 Free agency starts……then……wait for it…..wait for it..........something like.... eight days..... later the bums can find their Donald Trump lotto deals. Other sports free agency starts and SO DOES SIGNING…What a great idea!!! Then we can talk about the signings, not speculate on the one big dumb idiot and where he is going to sign his deal.
Needless to say, after about three nanoseconds of the Hugeicrite pontificating on where and why lbj is gonna do this or that, my brain started to leak and I tuned into a country station and we all know how much I like county music (actually the guys found) a suitable replacement in oldies and classics. I actually heard One Tin Soldier” and I was not the person singing it! Praise God!
So lbj is “taking his talents to South Beach.” Looks like the Heat are a shoe- in for the NBA crown next Year. But you really gotta axe yourself, “Who cares?” The NBA No Body Around. It is filled with stupidity, like all sports, but not for me anymore. I’m taking my talents to every sport but the NBA. No Big Audience. I may start watching golf…and the World Cup of Soccer…When does that start?....... bruce you idiot it is over ...BTW Spain won..
The NBA season competes with the NHL season. And since NHL is easier, for some reason, for me to type, it is my favorite sport. Well, not really that reason, HOCKEY ROCKS!!! The best sport is Hockey, because there are No Hop-head Losers
The days go by and each show I listen to brings in another sportsbrainiac that *knows* what lbj is gonna do…WHO F-ING CARES? I have to find another station....Dammit!! However, lbj, the supreme ego maniac that he is, decided to have an HOUR long special on his decision. He is just a Nother Big Asshole.
By the time he decided, even if you liked basketball, you would say to yourself who cares…He is not coming to any team but one, so the fans of the other teams, like 98% of the forty or fifty idiots that still care about the NBA ’Nother Bad Attitude do not like his decision. If we want to stop the spiraling madness of pro sports some day we are going to have to stop watching.
The good thing for me is I will stop watching the NBA No Big Absence. The unmitigated gall by which he chose to *tell the world* his decision is what is wrong with sports. Opinionflash! No Athlete
is bigger than the game. It is too bad that lbj thinks he is….oh the stupidity
Hey lbj how many championships have you won? ZERO… How many times have you acted unsportsmanlike like? AT LEAST ONCE Too many to count. Then why are you the king? YOU ARE NOT!! So, buh-bye, loser I hope you never win a championship, but if you do, it will not matter to me, as I will never see you play again…as if he cares...
And of course there was all the hype and lead up to what is probably the worst day in Cleveland sports history. Maybe not the worst, the day Art Model moved the Browns to Baltimore after Irsay moved the Colts to Indianapolis is bad. Well, there was also Elway and the Drive…Makes me glad I am a Michigan sports guy, we only have the Lions to break our hearts, and the Ohioans have all the aforementioned and the Blue Jackets…bummer dude…
The NBA No Brainiacs Allowed, gave us Latrell Spreewell who years ago spit on his coach and some how he still finished his career, without being banned from the sport. It is only spit, but it is a larger picture deal. The abject lack of respect is appalling. Hey, try this-on Monday, go to work and spit on your boss, when they tell you what to do. See how long you keep your job.
They also gave us the more recent Gilbert Areanas gun debacle. The NBA, No Brain Attached found out that Gilbert thought it would be okay at bring his arsenal and put it in his locker. Hey, they were unloaded, so give the guy a break. He did get suspended for the rest of the season. However, if you or I do something that ridonkulous, we would probably be at filling out some new applications and maybe even looking at a stay at the old Graybar Hotel…
lbj took his talents to Miami, and they paid him a pile of cash. He thinks he will win it all. I do not blame the Miami Heat. The NBA Never Be Appealing is like other sports but on some kind of egostroidammoth scale has allowed this kind of shenanigans to occur. They have allowed the inmates to run the asylum. This is the kind of stupidity that looses the casual fan, and does not grow the sport.
And now the Miami Heat has the *trifecta* Wade, Bosh and lbj. Who f-ing cares. If you are going to watch the NBA Never Bout Anyone but me, good luck. I will take my talents to the fishing channel in the absence of hockey. I will take my talents to watch NASCAR…
It is summer. It is slow for all sports but baseball. It has been hot lately. Ya gotta find a way to beat the Heat. I started by eliminating the hot air from sports shows talking about lbj. The Heat scored the prize. I do not blame the Heat. It is not the Heat, it’s the stupidity...
Just another day in paradise


  1. omigod, i love one tin soldier! we used to sing it at camp when i was a kid. i haven't thought about that song in years.

    now, then. what on earth is an "NBA"? some sort of std?

  2. Heehee - liked this repost! So right! & th@t sport m@kes my he@d hurt. grrrr

  3. You know Bruce, I am not much of a sports fan, okay actually if it doesn't involve design, art, jewelry or purses, it flies right over my head like I have stuffing for brains, but as I say that, I do love reading your posts, gawd they make me giggle! Thanks!

  4. It's not the heat, it's the stupidity - awesome line that.

    I love hockey, it's my favorite sport to watch IF I can be there. It's no good to watch on the tube. The camera's always half a sec behind the puck and by the time I can see what's happening the pucks already in the net. Pisses me off, so consequently I don't see much hockey anymore.

    But Roundball? Never did like it. But I really liked this post.

  5. The only sport I've ever really been into was baskbetball. I was a Miami Heat fan before LBJ was anybody. So when he went I said, OK, good. Maybe they'll win. I really hate how the pro's are all about me. They're arrogance is sickening. That's why I always prefer the college games where they play their hearts out for the love of the game. Good post bro!

  6. Missed you Bruce good post and good to have you back!

  7. I love you but I skipped this!?'m all in. I can't abide by this talk of balls. hehehe I said balls!

    I will accept any punishment you deem fit for my insolence.

  8. I second the opinion of BB. Although, it is my opinion that college kids play hard because if they are truly gifted, they know that they WILL be overpaid to play sports someday. Take for example, say, the NFL. Season in, season out, the league makes millions of dollars. The players make millions of dollars and the owners make millions of dollars and yet, they are fighting over a few million measly dollars. Because of greed, they are looking at having to cancel an entire season, in which, they will likely still be earning money via endorsements, shoe deals, blah blah blah, yada yada yada. That, I.M.H.O., is horse and cow.

  9. Only you could make the boring aspects of sports more interesting. And yes, Michigan summers are hot enought to roast/boil your balls off. Stay cool my friend!

  10. I hate bloody hot days and not that fond of bloody cold days either somewhere in the middle will do me.
    Central Air not something we have here have to make do with a window unit during summer and portable heaters during winter but hey it could be worse....

    As for sport do not like it do not follow it and have no desire to............

  11. Hey Bruce,

    Havn't visited in long, long time, but I see you are still your flippant self. Very funny post.

    (I'm not crazy about the font though, kinda makes my eyes hurt after a few hundred words.)

    Still, what IS it with story fixation? I'd really like to corner a newsperson on that and ask him/her just WHY do you fixate on such dumb shit?

    Actually, that's the reason I don't watch news. One of the reasons.

    (And, BTW, water is a better heat conductor than air. That's why humidity creates the sensation of more heat. But you knew that, I bet.)

    Cheers, Rick

  12. I found somewhere to fit in finally. They don't like basketball either!
    WTF Michigan summer's are the best. You have to love the 95 degrees on Monday and 65 on Tuesday and snow by Saturday. It's just one of those thangs happens every couple.....


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