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Sunday, January 3, 2010

The magic DVR

I am wearing my new LIONS logo snuggy. My daughter bought it for me for Christmas. It is cold in the basement, but I will “Have fun in the basement da da da da. On my lucky couch”, I am Mr. warm and toasty. And just a wee bit snuggy. The Lions are losing, as usual, but not in real time, however, as I am using the magic DVR. I can hit the pause button and walk away. When I come back the Lions are still in the game. No bad plays have transpired, not a single one. At least as far as I know, the game is still winnable. For me the game is still at the same spot as when I left. Magic, sheer magic.

As I am typing the Lions are playing their Super Bowl. A loss coupled with a Rams win and the LIONS get the first overall pick for the second straight year. And that, my friends is a strong possibility. If they can get the number one pick they can land Ndamukong Suh. We could then call this game the Lions SUH per bowl. Ok, they can land him with the number two as well, which we are assured when the Lions lose. ‘Cuz even with the magic DVR, you cannot make the Lions win. I am not sure that is a drawback, but I can say with authority, “We’ll get “em next year.” Or the year after next…or some day…it is the Lions after all…

“Ndamukong Suh (pronounced /ɛn dɑːməkɨn su/; born January 6, 1987, in Portland, Oregon) is an American football defensive tackle for the Nebraska Cornhuskers in his senior year.” This guy is AWESOME!!! The Lions NEED him….King Kong!!!

I can pause the game and come up and type a few lines, and go back to the basement and watch some more. Thru the incredible hocus-pocus that is the magic DVR. This incredible technology may overtake the toilet as the most important invention ever. Nah...but close! We finally got the magic DVR hooked up after 6 months of thinking we had it but having the wrong cable box. No wonder the games did not record. I just thought I was that techno-challenged. (Ok, I am techtarded, but I was trying to be PC) I also may have thought we were just behind on our cable bill. Maybe.

I can set the replay speed. I can decide to fast forward thru the commercials. This is a huge plus. No more stupid commercials!! I can, however, re-watch the good ones. But not today. Today I am speed watching. I can pause to let the game go on, and come up here and report that someone forgot to tell the Lions that a loss is expected. They are actually still in this game and it is near the half.

I can also record things that I do not know the outcome. I have set the magic DVR to record a movie called Thirteen Days. It is a movie set in 1962, about some Russians (commies) and some Americans, and a president in crisis, the one and only John F. Kennedy. It has to do with a big fiasco over some nuclear missiles in Cuba. God only knows how this will turn out. Don't tell me!!! I can’t wait!!! But I digress.

The Lions just tied it up with plenty of time for the Bears to come down, run out the clock, and score. However, the Bears are terrible. They really suck. They may have won a few more games than the Lions, but they do suck. And as a lions fan, I know suck when I see it. Cutler is an up-grade to the fiasco that was Orton, but still the Bears suck, but not as much as the Lions. It is a battle of two teams with nothing on the line, except a monster d-lineman. SUH per bowl!!!

I hit the pause and magically, time on the field stops. I can go mix a drink, drain the lizard, or take a few puffs and NOT MISS A SINGLE SECOND of the action AND/ OR TRAIN WRECK and suspense of Lions football. I come back up to report that after watching a bit more of the game, the Bears did score. And the Lions had a chance to tie it. Culpepper is god awful, though, and the Lions settle for three. Now they are down by only 4 points. With like four minutes to go, the Lions are doing their part, they are losing. The Rams however are losing as well. They need a quarterback, so maybe Suh is still a safe bet for the Lions. SUH per bowl!!

The game is over. But thru the magic DVR, I do not have to endure the final two minutes in real time. Zipping thru the filler of time between the plays like a NASCAR driver on an empty track, I eliminate all distractions. Except for one. THE STAUTS BAR. The Lions lose to the Bears, but I don’t care. I don’t know the score. The status bar, as I am fast forwarding thru the final agonizing minutes, covers the truth. And thank god for that. If the Rams do their part we have won our SUH per Bowl. Now I can watch that movie I have recorded, on the magic DVR, with that surprise ending…don't tell me what happens!!!I cannot wait!

Just another day in paradise

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