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Saturday, May 8, 2010

Time bandits

     Wednesday while I was on the way back to Grand Rapids, from South Haven, I stopped to get an Arizona Iced-tea (gratuitous product placement) because it is a big bang for the buck. Well, more correctly 99 cents. Digression aside, I went to pay for the beverage and was amazed to find the clerk talking on the phone. This lazy, fat, mouth breathing, moronic window licker could not bother to get off the phone to take about 15 seconds to acknowledge a customer and give me the time of day, while I was contributing to the company that pays her wage. I call people like this a time bandit.
     You know who they are. You work with them, you are friends with them, and maybe you are one. Time bandits are people that exist just to suck up all the minutes that you can spare and some that you cannot. The only true equalizer of all humankind is the hours in the day. We all have only 24 hours per day. Even Dick Cheney cannot finagle a couple extra hours, minutes, or seconds with all his back room shenanigans. I do not want any of my time stolen from me.
    One particular time bandit is the idiot that values the cell phone more than you during a face to face interaction by answering the phone, mid-sentence without excusing themselves by letting you know that they need to take the call. Usually they are using a Bluetooth device. You are in mid sentence and they start talking. About something entirely different than the conversation you are having. At first, you don’t know that they are talking to someone else not talking to you. When you do find out the time they stole is gone….forever…Time cannot be replaced. Most of the time, timebanditting is amorally reprehensible crime.
    One way to rectify this timebanditry is after you are dissed by their lack of concern for your time is to begin a nasty bout of Tourette’s. A few loud f-bombs usually gets their attention shifted back to the more important person in their current situation, you. Nothing like a few well placed oaths to liven up the conversation. Hey, it won’t get your time back, but sometimes paybacks are a bitch.
    Another time bandit is the jackass driving the yellow and black Hummer. I said to my little buddy, Tucker, the new dog, as we were on a little ride, “Did you just see that? That idiot just cut off that other car, and nearly caused an accident, in which we could also be involved” Tuck, of course said nothing because he is a dog, and can’t talk, and was too busy attacking Mr. Skeaker, his squeaky toy.
     Slowing me down while on the expressway is a time bandit maneuver. If you are going to drive like a turtle, stay in the right lane. Better yet, dive on the back roads. Or even better still stay the f… home. If you do not know where you are going in your Hummer, get a GPS, don’t just slam on your brakes and cut someone off to make your exit. Just because you wrongfully believe that the vehicle you are driving can survive going off road, do not take others with you, jackass!!
     Opinionflash, retail Hummers, are not Military Hummers, they are more like a kit car version of that Ferrari you occasionally see driven by a bald fat guy. You both know it is a kit car, but is still looks cool. However, the bald, fat guy will admit that it is a kit car and is not pretending to be Magnum, P.I., whereas Hummer UMC (upper middle class) soccer mom only knows the military from watching Stripes on DVD, but honestly believes this vehicle to be military grade.
     Anyone driving a Hummer, that is not dodging bombs or serving our country in the armed forces is automatically a jackass. You KNOW they are. And of course, this idiotic, time bandit jackass picked the colors of the big crybaby, Cindy Crysby and the Pittsburgh Pipsqueaks, er I mean Penguins. (Those of you that watched the SCF with me last two years know some of the other pet names I have for the Pens, but I am trying to keep this PG-13).Cheese and f-ing rice! This is WINGS country! Get a red Hummer. You would still be a dorkass, but at least the team color would be right.
     Speaking of timebanidtry, let’s look at the biggest of all time bandits, the politicians. Most politicians were schooled to be lawyers, or as I prefer to call them, legal thieves. They are schooled in the art of banditing your time, and charging you a fortune for the privilege of doing it. If you have never been in a legal battle you might think I am being a bit harsh, but having defended myself in the legal system, and having hired a legal thief, on more than one occasion I can say with authority they are. If you have the similar experience or close to it, you would probably agree with me. (Of course not EVERY lawyer is a bad egg, but whatever…Jus’ sayin’)     
     Many of the fat-cat, legal thief, Ritchie Rich’s in our country become political bureaucrats, so they can feed off the teat of the working man. They are time bandits. You may ask why I would think that. If you are asking then you have never had the pleasure of watching the government channel. Not only is the debate and rhetoric ridonlkulous, it is booooring!!! More boring than dump and chase hockey.
     I should not be surprised that their time banditry is not just limited to debate on laws banning cigarettes, taking away guns, and making a 45 minute flight to Detroit take three times as long, because of the TSA and the intrinsic lunacy that is government intrusion in the guise of safety. Safety is an income generating catch phrase. Can anyone say “selective enforcement zone?” I should not be surprised, but I always am.
     I heard on the radio, from Huge, or JR the JA, that the congress of our very own US of A is thinking about passing a law to ban chewing tobacco from the minor league baseball. WTF? Why? The time bandits wish to eliminate this because it condones unhealthy behavior, by guys playing games that are considered role models. Children, like dogs, model behavior and do what they are allowed to get away with. Sports figures as evidenced by Eldrick, Ben Rothlesburger, and most recently Lawrence Taylor, are not role models. Nor should they be. Parents need to parent, and be the role models, but I digress. They also want to eliminate the jock scratch on the mound and in the dug-out.
     Hey all you polijacksses stop banditing my time by poking your piggy snouts into things like baseball. Baseball is a business, and it has a commissioner. Get the f… out of the way and let the commissioner figure out how to regulate baseball. It will still be, for the most, part a sport you can nap by, but leave it alone.
     Polijacksses are not very good at doing anything that requires thinking out side of the box or compromising for the common good, or even representing the populace and constituency that elected their sorry asses in the first place. I have heard that every time a polijackass speaks, one million brain cells die. Mine, yours, and theirs. That’s a lot of brain cells. I can ill afford that with my affinity for Crown and Coke! Maybe wrapping your head in aluminum foil covered with duct tape can protect you grey matter when the polijackassey pontificte. Maybe.
     We have seen how effective polijacksses are at trying to institute a national health care system, something EVERY other first world non commie country has gotten a handle on. Surprisingly, these other countries did not have to institute death camps, nor sacrifice an inordinate amount of quality to make these programs work. Why not figure out how to get more people working, have fewer houses lost to foreclosure and get extricated from the new Viet Nam over in the Middle East.
     But let us not forget the other time bandit out there. I know I am guilty of this particular brand of time banditry. However, I am working on changing this behavior. People that leave long-winded rambling voice messages bandit time as well. Make it simple. I am trying to get to the point that all I leave is my name, number, and if applicable company name. I have also heard that congress is currently debating on passing a law to limit the number of words allowed on a voice mail message. I know the debate will be timebanditry of titanic proportions. It is a good thing I have lots of aluminum foil and duct tape.  

Just another day in paradise


  1. They are probably sick of people leaving them messages ridiculing their sorry performance as representatives.

  2. yeah..we can only hope that they will do something with the criticism...


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