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Monday, January 18, 2010

Armageddon is just around the corner

     There is a lot of talk about the end of the world. 2012 is the latest guess on when the world will end. Armageddon is just around the corner, like some 70’s movie mugger that you see, but the characters are oblivious to. We are all doomed. Guess what? They are right. We will all die. It is a fact that we are mortal. But as Ronald Reagan said “Facts are stupid.” Well, they are not stupid, but I prefer to not stick with the just the facts, if I can embellish, a bit, embroider a smidge, and well, stretch the truth a tad, for the sake of the story, I will do this. I have my poetic license and I am not afraid to use it.

    I am not going to throw in the towel just yet. As my father used to say, “You live until you die.” And as much as I would like to disagree with the statement, it is true. He did live until he died. He also used to call me a dumb ass. And as many of you know I do have a bit of the dumb ass gene. Many people may refer to this as a component of the Y chromosome. Whatever. I seem to have forgotten the purpose of this blog.
     Oh, yeah, Armageddon. The end of the world. Doomsday. Seems like every religion has a day of reckoning. A day of atonement, and passage to the great beyond. Even that bastion of truth, Hollywood, is on the bandwagon of bad endings. Several times. We are over exposed to the possibility of what can happen. The world can end in a various array of poor probabilities and outrageous outcomes. For example, we can nuke ourselves to kingdom come and apes can rule the world. We only find out that we are still on earth, but a future earth, when we see the statue of liberty half buried on the beach. “Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell! ...!!”
     The fact, Mr. Reagan, is the world will end. For reach of us. At some point. But why worry? It is totally out of our control. We will live until we die.
     My generation has survived the nuclear proliferation of doomsday devices, the Vietnam War, the two gulf wars and perhaps the dumbest man to ever hold the office of President Of the USA. (P.O.T. U.S.A.). You can decide who I am talking about, pick the one you liked the least and run with it. I know who my choice is, and although I have two close candidates, there is only one to hold this esteemed honor.
     We are also surviving Global Climate Change. The jury is still out on whether (or weather, hee hee…) we will survive this or not, but I am going to live as green as possible. Well, not really, I am slow to change and do not really know what is green or not green. There is way too much subterfuge, spin-doctoring, and talking head blathering for me to really decide. Besides, peeing outside is a god-given right, and I KNOW that cannot be green. Even if you drink a bunch of green beer, or eat a bunch of asparagus, it is still more yellow than green.
     Last Friday night, I drank a bit more than I have in many moons. Well, I was actually just over served. I truly felt green. Well, green around the gills. I felt like it was Armageddon on Saturday morning. I survived, but not without a few scrapes, bumps, and bruises. Or at lest that is how I felt. I felt kind of like I climbed in the dryer and went for a spin, after taking a bath in a mixture of booze and beer. It was a tie one on type of night.
     It started innocently enough with sitting on the glass at the Van, and dollar beers. Sitting that close to the ice is awesome. I suggest you do it at least one time before the world ends. I guess you have until 2012. Even if you do not like hockey, which I cannot believe is even a possibility. You should pop the $30 or so for the seat. The Griffins lost. Always a bummer when the team loses. So drinking away the sorrows of a home team loss we went on to Founders, and Hop-Cat, and rounding out the evening with a stop at the Meanwhile. Damn those over serving bartenders, anyway.
     There are a lot of things I will miss if I happen to survive the Day of Reckoning. I will miss tap water, hot showers, indoor plumbing, cable T.V., the internet, Facebook, and fast food. I will miss the microwave, a/c and heat. I will miss my friends and family. I will also miss booze and beer. But not so much as the rest of these things. Well, yeah, I probably will…but I will not miss Lemon Drops…not the candy, but the drink. Seriously Libby, what were you thinking?
     I went home and went to bed. When I woke up a few hours later while it was still early dark thirty to piss out some of the filtered alcohol, and take some Advil, I wandered out to the kitchen to the refrigerator. I needed something wash down the Advil and to quench the parching arid desert that was my mouth. I nearly had to get a pry bar to separate my lips as they had become zipped together by that crusty post drunk saliva paste. It was either that or my wife had super glued them together in an effort to squelch my snoring.
    OMG!!!! IT was ARMAGEDDON. Just around the corner. The corner of the kitchen, that is. I reached into the refrigerator for the Orange Juice. I thought about how great it would taste and how much I would miss it if the world as we know it ended. There is something almost nirvanaish about O.J. Definitely my favorite of the juices. Unless you count carrot juice. Not really. Come on, seriously? Carrot juice?YUCK!!! While the color is similar, it does not compare.   I unscrewed the cap, and poured the cool orange liquid into a glass. Instead of a gush of orange juicy goodness, there was nary a trickle.
    IT was ARMAGEDDON. Just around the corner. “Ah Damn you! God Damn you all to hell!” "They really did do it...." I looked around for something else. There was nothing!! Well, there was tap water. “Ah Damn you! God Damn you all to hell!” While there were no human-like apes in my kitchen, someone HAD nearly finished the O.J. and PUT the nearly empty container back in the fridge. I savored the nary a trickle AS IF the world slipped into oblivion.

Just another day in paradise


  1. katie always called them "lemon bombs".


  2. vodka....tasteless, odorless and deadly...


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