I don’t know what I did in a past life to be stuck working on toilets. It seems that there is never an easy one. Never mind what goes in these instruments of fecal flushing, suffice it to say they are a shitty job. After one more toilet from hell, I must admit that I will rant a bit.
First, you need to know the major components. There is a tank. Inside the tank is a filling mechanism known as the fill valve. Sometimes fill valves are referred to as the guts. There are many different kinds of fill valves. The worst of these is the old ball-cock assembly. If your toilet has one of these, it is time to upgrade. Sometimes the water in the tank is blue. Why? This is also the area that you drop a deuce in if you are giving someone an upperdecker. Follow the link if you do not know what I am talking about
The seating area or throne is also known as the bowl. Some toilets are one piece, some are two. Any more than that, as far as I know is bad for doing business. I know some of you may think the lid is a third piece, but it is part of the tank. The seat is not a part of the bowl, but it is, well, you know, the seat. Or the outer ring of the bull’s-eye, for you out there that cannot quite get the stream or fudge in the open area. The seat is not where you stick gum or used toilet paper under it as a little surprise or snack for later. Stuff on the seat does not flush, Johnny.
The most important part of the whole thing is the flange. It is attached to the waste pipe, which safely and discretely carries your droppings to the water treatment plant, where it is then purified to be dispensed by your kitchen faucet some time early next week. Hopefully it will not be blue. Why is it that we have some many kinds of bottled water? Oh yeah, the aforementioned reason. I digress. Back to the flange.
News flash: the way to secure one of these things is with FLANGE bolts. These are the two bolts that hold the bowl to the floor. The wrong way is a 4 inch screw. The wrong way is a piece of wire wrapped around the flange and through the bolt hole in the bowl. The wrong way is hoping it will stay in place with a doubled up wax ring. The wrong way is holding the bowl down with silicone, or grout, because the flange is busted. There are other wrong ways, I just have yet to find them, and when I do, I will let you know.
What the f…. is that blue shit? Why is it in the tank? It does not belong there. Yeah I know it is supposed to clean the bowl. HEY! Lazy ass! Get a Johnny Mop. They are cheap. You can get them at the dollar store. Squirt some cleaner in the bowl. Scrub and flush. The blue stuff gets EVERYF_INGWHERE, when some poor unfortunate slug has to fix your toilet because you flushed a bunch of stuff that doesn’t belong in there. (See my blog earlier this month)
That blue stuff ruins the phrase “if it’s yellow, let it mellow. If it’s brown, flush it down.” Keep using the blue stuff and we will have to change it to “If it’s green, you’re done peein’.” However brown and peein’ do not RYHME! By the way, that blue stuff. It doesn’t come off your skin or clothes. Well, there is one thing that will take it off your skin, and that, my friends, is time.
Just another day in paradise
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