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Wednesday, December 19, 2012

all i want for Christmas....

please note: this post is inspired by an email from a friend in 3d world who lives far away that i talk to by phone, and email but still is very much a part of my world. kudos billy g! 

oh and this is a long ride "over the river and thru the woods" (c) song by Lydia Maria Child.  so buckle up and potty before you leave the house! 

tis the season!

buy some gifts! 
show them you care with donuts!
nothing says love like: 
a new phone!
a new car!
if you don't know what they want, give them a gift card!

does anyone appreciate seeing and being anymore?

we see ads all the time. we are bombarded by pleas to spend more and buy this and get that. much of our world is being relegated to dealing with each other thru and by technology. 

tis the season!

buy buy buy! consume! everyone needs this widget or that gizmo...not one ad says hug someone. lots of them say kiss, but those are jewelry ads, so they don't count. 

my blog my rules....

by the way, if i have to buy you something to get a little action then that seems to me like trading sex for money and i think that may be a little thing called prostitution...

jus' sayin'

someone's gift of a cell phone was the catalyst to propel their kid to to stardom. 

or taught them a new language.

but because i saw it on TV it must be true. (or You-tube, or FB)

i learned a new language at Christmas when i was young. we did not have a touch screen cell phone. 

hell, we didn't even have a color TV. or cable. 
i digress...

some people may call this language swearing.
"JEEEEZUS CHREEEIST, Bruce, How did you break Major Matt Mason already?" know what my phone did for me lately? IT woke me up out of a deep sleep because i forgot to turn off the vibration and ringer. 

when the phone rings in the middle of the night, it is usually bad news, a booty call, or a wrong number.

bad news? usually it can wait. (i'm not a doctor, or a plumber)
booty call? Mrs. J may not like that too much...
wrong number? ALL. THE. FUCKING. TIME.

and now you can touch phones to send movies. a guy has a video given to him by his daughters and one by his wife...just by touching phones...

even MRS. CLAUSE is sending porn to SANTA! notice she did not touch him. they are practicing safe sex, by using the cell phone. i find this kinda creepy...

tis the season!

i know several people that will pick up their phone and text someone while engaged in a conversation with another human. it is ridiculous. 
not even an excuse me. 
some EVEN try to hide it by putting their hands below the table. 

hey man! shake it three times and your playing with yourself. but that is okay now, too. masturbation is talked about like it is no big deal. except if you happen to do it where someone doesn't want to see it. so it still is a big deal, but at least we can talk about it...  

two steps forward, one step back 

sometimes, i find myself doing it as well, er, uh, no, not the masturbation thing...that is for a different blog.

we were discussing playing with your phone, as in phonsturbation...

phonsturbation: verb. from blogdogspeak. The act of constantly dicking with your phone. Holding, groping, touching, stoking, or fingering your phone all the fucking time. (c)2012 the (this link will direct you back to my blog FYI)

fuck you urban dictionary...those jackasses don't deserve my genius contributions...anymore...

i have been turning my ringer off and flipping the phone over. 

i also disable the vibration. 

it is my business line as well so i use that as a reason to keep it with me. (it is also my watch and my sober app.) We can justify any position any way we want. it is all about spin.

tis the season!

the other day we were eating dinner in front of the TV. it is a good tradition. i enjoy this time. i could go to the bar and drink to get some social interaction, but home is nice.  

we are empty-nesters. i know i like this phase more than my wife. 

it is just us and tUcKeR, the world dogmanator.

anyway, our new place is small and we have no room for our dining table so we eat at the counter a lot.

and we eat in front of the TV, too.

on this night, we were watching wheel of fortune, eating dinner, and commenting on the outfits the contestants are wearing...

human interaction is good. 

not just because of the booze and food. there is laughter. my job lately has been slow. 

i have had a lot of me time. i am good at it. i do alone well. 

but i still like the time with others, too.

tUcKeR is curled up in the corner of the couch, sleeping. 

a commercial break. an ad about i-pad. i tune it out.

i give the tUcKeR a pat on the head and tell him he is a good dog. he wags his tail. his world is complete. the other dogs in his pack are all together and he just got a bit of attention. (and mebbe he will score a snack or scrap when daddy stands up, he is kinda a sloppy eater) his eyes convey a completeness that is lacking in most humans. he says not a word but a brief touch makes his world complete.

abruptly, my wife says  "i need an i-pad..."
i ask, "why?" 
she says, "I need to learn it's OS for work."
i say, "if they need you to learn it, they can supply it. and pay for the added service"
she says, "well, they do not require it yet..."

she NEEDS it cuz it will make her life better!  clever ads have convinced her that it will do such wondrous things and make her life better.

then from her phone there arose such a clatter, that she must take a look to see what was the matter...(c)ref to Twas the night before Christmas by Clement Clarke Moore 

she has a text or a FBF (facebook friend) like or something to her latest SU (status update). the commercial moves on to the next one while she taps away a response...

i cease to exist.

i do not even know where my phone is. i may have left it in the car. it is probably on the charger. in the other room. 

i know it is not missing me. 


i do not care where it is. 

whatever my phone NEEDS me for can wait til later. it is after business hours, and i have no jobs in progress, so there are no emergencies that cannot wait til i decide to look at it. 

a feeling of power sweeps through me. 

"my heart grew 3 sizes, that day" (c) Dr. Suess. How the Grinch stole Christmas"

i do not NEED my NEEDS ME!

i stare at the TV. so much for a conversation. i bet the our conversation lasts longer if i agree she needs one more thing to take her away from actually talking to me.

because we NEED.
we WANT.
We are never satisfied. 

and they know that. 
tis the season! the ads drone on...
my mind wanders...

biblical scholars tie this to the fall from grace. the separation from our creator has left a gaping hole in our soul. ad agency's know this as well. i saw that devils advocate movie, wasn't that about ad execs? i don't know, but my mind thinks it... it must be true! 

the hole cannot be filled with stuff.

the birth of Christ? giving gifts? the equinox, the solstice. pagans, christians, jews...the end of days?

after 30 seconds. my mind switches to something else. 

cuz i am programmed. 30 seconds, then on to.... 

i declare to myself, and anyone listening,  or more correctly to the clicking of thumbs tapping out a most important message, there are 3 kinds of ads:

medical ads:drugs/meds/lawsuits against said meds
food ads: arbys/mcd's/bk and packaged foods like cinamon rolls
gift ads:techno and jewelry  

I pat the dog again. he looks at me and wags his tail. 

thump! thump! thump! his brown eyes are filled with joy. it takes so little to make him happy. i see and feel his appreciation. he lives to be touched and to touch back. he licks my hand.

the touch is not lacking in this one. 

he craves touch and will never pick his phone over me. he will never think an i-pad is cool. 

more sales pitches for technology that will make our lives better. things that will make it easier to disconnect from human touch. drugs to make dicks harder or pain go away, but give us cancer, in some cases. selling us where to eat and what to eat. selling us gems that will make her heart melt.

no ads selling us time. no ads telling us to not spend money but to spend time.

the tapping thumbs continue. 

the show is back on. I say something but hear no response. tUcKeR gets up, and assumes the IPP. (international Play Position, for those of you not versed in dog speak) a toy in his mouth. a glint in his eye. he wants, no, NEEDS contact.  

he has no idea that i NEED the latest technology to keep me from actually touching another human. (and stop the spread of diseases)

we move to the big rug on the floor. we tussle about for a ratty old scrap of cloth from a toy long gone, except for the drool soaked piece that we wrestle from each other. we play. we play like there is nothing else that matters.

because in that moment, nothing else does! 

dogs get touch. they NEED touch. 

what i want for Christmas is a phoncation. 

we all need one as well. 

tis the season!

we need to be more in ACTUAL touch with each other, and less with our phones/laptops/nooks/kindles/i-pads. 

we more connected but less in touch. 

time savers like a text instead of a call, and a call instead of face time do not replace the human touch. they are a poor substitute.

we touch the screen of our smart phones more than each other.

this year, i am spending time instead of dollars at Christmas. 

time with the ones i love. to touch them for real. to hold their hand. and hug them. 

time is a gift that is so precious, yet so taken for granted.

and touch is a gift that is fleeting, like time. 


Bruce and tUcKeR 


  1. Bloody hell I have missed your posts I have been a bit slack the last few months not getting around blogland as much as I should but I am back and laughing yeah laughing because this post made me laugh.......and feel good...........

  2. glad i could make you laugh! I know of this slacking thing because i too have been slacking...i have so many ideas, but i decide to do something else...

    comments like this make ME smile...THANK YOU!

    have a safe and wonderful holiday! give many hugs and warm smiles!

  3. Look....the ONLY reason I "dick" with my phone so much is because I'm constantly wondering if my Bill has texted, emailed, or called yet! I miss that guy like no other! ;)

    I totally agree with you...they have taken over...time to put them in their soon as I check to see if Bill called.

  4. Nail...head....hit!
    Merry Christmas Mr. Bruce and scratch Tucker's belly for me will ya?

  5. Bushman's got it right on the money, honey! Nail...head...hit! (Bushman you rocks too)

    Gosh it's so great to have you up and at Christmas came early. (must be Mrs. Claus's doing, all that porn she's sending the Old Boy got him in the groove early) hahahaha!

    Man...this is just great! Now..I've gotta run, my phone's vibrating! *cracking myself up in the process with laughter*

  6. Ah, Bruce, your comment on my blog did make me smile. Plus, 'tis the season to save virtual kittens!

    I felt the need to comment on this post. I am the person who always has my phone on silent, or it is "missing." I am yelled at on a constant basis by friends and family for screening calls or never picking up. Even my boyfriend, who only has a landline on purpose, becomes annoyed that I don't realize he called for something until at least an hour later. What I say to that? I pay my bill so that I can have a cell phone for my own purposes. And those purposes are making calls of my own free will or calling someone back when it is convenient to me. My opinion is that if someone wants me waiting by the phone for their call they can pay my bill. Until they realize that it will still be on silent and somewhere forgotten in my apartment until I am the one who needs it.


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