The last Boyscout

     Way back at the turn of the century, the pundits, talking heads, and the glittering ridicularity that pontificate their particular platitudes, thought the sky was falling. Really not the sky, but the world was going to end. The computer could not deal with the two digits to four digits year thingamabob, or some such similar nonsense. All I know it that they had me convinced that something bad would happen. I mean REALLY bad. Bad enough to call on all my training as a boy scout. 

     At this point in time we lived in Cedar Springs, MI and had a basement with a wood stove. In one of my paranoid delusions we needed the wood stove. Hey, the world was gonna end, baby, and we needed to be ready. When Consumer’s Energy could not deliver the goods, we could burn junk mail and 2x4 scrap, until the chimney caught on fire and burned the house down. We would be warm. I mean REALLY warm until we left the blaze, or died from smoke inhalation.

     We needed all those propane tanks. And I have moved 5 of them 4 times since the Millennium crisis. They come in handy for Chillin’ and Grillin’. They are always empty, except for the one attached to the grill. However, once empty they would have helped when the zombies created by the computer glitch attacked the house, since I could throw the empty tanks at the zombies.

     We had a special closet filled with supplies for when the deliveries were late. It became known as the Millennium Closet. In the fifties people built bomb shelters. And fallout shelters, in the 90’s I had a Millennium Closet. There were canned items of many varieties. We had a few gallons of water, some pasta, pasta sauce, duct-tape, and some Jiffy Mixes. (Aside from the fifty or so boxes in the kitchen cupboards) we also had a couple of pellet guns as they too could help when the chaos started.

     The closet had about enough food and water for us to live without a new shipment of groceries to the local Piggly Wiggly, for our family of four. How long is truly debatable. From my sketchy recollections, I had calculated enough to last about fifteen minutes after Armageddon ensued. (feeding your anxiety)  Maybe a day if we could cook up all the aforementioned Jiffy Mixes. Maybe more if I used the duct tape.

     People mocked my Millennium Closet. They found it humorous. But they did not believe. Little did they know, I was ahead of my time. I was prepared. I was the Last Boy Scout. Not that I ever did anything when I was in the BSofA, except hide form the troop and smoke snakegrass. however, I remembered the be prepared thing.

     I awoke early on December 31st as the eastern part of the world had already rolled over to the new millennium. I was perched at the edge of my seat, watching the carnage. Sitting as close to the edge as you possibly can while fully reclined in my micro-fiber Laz-E-Boy. I may have had a bucket of popcorn as well.

     Nothing happened. No glitches, no riots, no burning down the establishment, and no chaos. Except for the particular brand of chaos ensues every New Years Eve. We had not had the clock strike midnight in the USA yet so there was still hope. Planes still could fall from the sky!

     However, I could not sit in the chair all day. There was work to be done. The Millennium Closet needed to be checked and checked again! There was wood to cut and stack, water jugs to fill, and all those damn 5 gallon buckets to facilitate flushing the toilet. No flush toilet would mean total disaster for those of us in the modern world.  (BTW I never filled them for some odd reason. Probably because I started drinking early. Hey it was 5:00 some where. You know ya gotta party like its 1999…Because it was!!!)

     A little more than a year and a half later, the World Ttrade Center was destroyed in a gutless act of lunacy. The idiots that orchestrated that chaos changed very little about the core of their enemies. There chickenshit action howver added a new group of idiots to the mix in the TSA. It caused a bit of discomfort for a while. America is resilient. We moved forward. We persevered. We again travelled by plane and had  only to worry about that fat guy coming down the aisle. (Please, Please don't sit next to me!!) Or if you had a window seat.

     Before all the moving forward, many people were scared. The government, in its infinite wisdom issued some guidelines, and suggestions for the post-911 era. They had suggestions for “emergency preparedness”. Such as duct taping the windows in the case of a bio-threat.  They had a list of must have items. Items included duct tape, water, and canned food. Again I was a head of the curve. The last Boy Scout.

     I read their pamphlet, and was not impressed. I walked  down to the basement, and opened the door. The Millennium Closet was still stocked as if the world was still perched on the brink. Ready, willing and able.

Just another day in paradise