I heard a rumor and I could not care less…

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TUCKMONSTER!!! remember how small he was?

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   I have heard a rumor that I am a bit paranoid. Mebbe. I prefer to call it ProactivePontentialityPreparednessProtocol…Those of you that are not Following PPPP are being lead like lambs to slaughter by the man and his attempt to keep you down…but then again it is a rumor. It could be true but mebbe it is not and I couldn’t care less…

      I have heard a rumor that I may be preachy. I prefer to call it PontificatingPointedness. I may be opinionated. I prefer to call it insightful. I heard a rumor that I may be stupid say or do stupid things and/or may not *gasp* be funny. I prefer to call it HighbrowHumor…

     I have heard a rumor that I am a shameless self-promoter. Accepted and I stand accused...ya gotta stand for something...puppies/trees/pink things/whatever...If I had a million dollars I would not need to ask for help to save puppies I would do it on my own...and as BNL says, "I'd be rich!" 

     I can live with all of those insults and many more but the not funny part. Well, actually I couldn’t care less if you think I am not funny. It is your inability to read between the lines or your uneducatedness that makes me not funny…oh and I know you KNOW who you are…I know where you live, and if you move I will find you and…just kidding…it is a rumor after all… (This is not pointed at ANYONE…it is just page filler…oh damn, I AM paranoid…and not very funny)

     I have heard a rumor that they made a movie about Secretariat. Oh PUL-EEEEEAZE. Did the Hollywood braintrust all go on vacation? Isn’t there a 70’s era toy like Rock ‘em Sock ‘em Robots that is just begging for a shot at retro-glory? And what about Barbie…GI Joe had a movie…I heard a rumor that Barbie’s the last six or so bo-tox injections and 15 face lifts are simply not enough to hide the years but they did offer the part to Liz Taylor…and you know what…I couldn’t care less…

     WTF!?!? Is there an ecstasy, pot, acid, and/or ‘shroom shortage in La-La land? There is not an obscure former 90 second Saturday Night Live skit waiting for re-birth as a 90 minute piece of tripe? There is not a new Freddy Krueger and or Friday the 13th prequel/sequel/re-do…How about a vampire movie, oh wait, OVERDONE, or what about a Frankenstein adaptation?

     Seriously? Secretariat? The Horse? It will be released soon. It may be a great movie. I will never know cuz I will never see it. Why? I couldn’t care less AND I know how it ends, so what is the point? Plus, come on, seriously? A movie about a horse. Been there. Done that. Remember Black Beauty? And Ol’ Yeller?

     I know Ol’ yeller was a dog, but he died in the end. And so does the horse. The end of all of our movies is the same…We all die…not trying to dwell on it…jus sayin…

    I have heard a rumor that the movie boasts that Secretariat is the greatest athlete of all time. Riiight… He was a great race horse, but great athletes, let alone the greatest, can do more than just run around a track. Ok let’s be correct; run around a track with a small person on its back…my dictionary definition of athlete includes the word human somewhere in it. Is the TuckMonster a great athlete? Hardly, but he is fast and he can swim and fetch...

      And guess what? An Iron Horse can go faster than a flesh horse.Without a Jockey riding the horse I bet the race just kinda lollygags around never really ending, cuz the horses just stop running. I do not know that for a fact but if it were not True, why even have jockeys? To give small people jobs? The previous statment may be wrong...Wrong on many levels, and no offense cuz I am an under tall person myself, but I bet I could prolly stuff most of the world's jockeys on the b-ball court…

     Then again I have seen my ability to play b-ball and I retract that statement. I am, however, too tall to be a jockey. And I am woefully out of shape. I would say that the training regimen for a jockey does not include eating bacon and gas station hotdogs…it may also include a bit of stretching and quite possibly some aerobics. I really do not know and quite honestly couldn’t care less…

    Don’t you hate it when someone says, “I could care less” yes you could care less, but if you do not care the proper term is I couldn’t care less…jus’ sayin’

     Saying a horse is the world’s greatest athlete is like saying the set of clubs that Eldrick uses are the world’s greatest athlete. Or the car that Jeff Gordon drives is the greatest athlete. Or the rod and reel that Bill Dance uses is the greatest athlete…without the jockey, Secretariat is just a fast horse with out Eldrick, the clubs could be in my garage and i bet my wife would have hit me with them more than once…without Jeff, the car could be my truck and the rod and reel could be in my non-running boat with or without Bill Dance…

     The things they think are important/ entertaining enough to make a movie about are truly baffling…this is a movie in which I couldn’t care less. I will not even wait for the DVD…The argument could be made that without seeing it you could never really make an informed opinion. Some prostiticans (and you know which way I lean) are famous for making informed opinions without the burden of knowledge or facts...and therefore I rest my case…three thumbs down…

    Some things that are really important are the greatest movies about sports ever made. Brian’s Song, Remember the Titans, We are Marshall, the Longest Yard, Jerry Maguire, Hoosiers, The Blind Side, Paper Lion…just a few so really the list goes on…

     I know I have an interesting spin on our crazy world. I know I am alive. The rest of it is just life. Good bad or indifferent, I attempt to make it fun. I attempt to make it funny. I attempt to look at it half full, with a watchful eye on the crazyasses that would attempt to take it all away, with plans, schemes, and subterfuge, and mind numbingly unimportant movies about stuff that I couldn’t care less about... I couldn’t care less…because…

I am alive and It truly is…

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Five minutes to change your life…

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    I was driving to my mom’s house today to check out what was wrong with her toilet. The description she gives me leads me to believe that there is an obstruction in the beast. As most of you know (and if you did not know, you will know now) the waste line that leaves the toilet from the flange down is larger than the trap part of the toilet. Why is it that engineering disasters has never addressed this fact? The bowl is big, much bigger than the trap and the trap is usually a 2 inch diameter pipe in the porcelain and then the DWV line is usually 3 or 4 inches. Seems like a pretty easy catch...from big to small to big again...a recipe for disaster...

     Altogether now, can we all say BOTTLENECK??? There are bottlenecks everywhere. And the most common place for bottlenecks, other than the toilet or any plumbing setting, is on the road. The CollisiveForce Principle plainly states Two road riding/raging objects cannot occupy the same space at the same time. As the traffic lanes decrease the amount of chance to experience the CollisiveForce Principle goes up exponentially.

     As I am driving with my buddy the TuckMonster, I see a car coming up on my right…at a high rate of closure…The TuckMonster leans over and says to me, “Comin’ in hot!” maybe he did not really say that, but he did look over at me and stick his tongue out and go “Huh, Huh, Huh, Huh, Huh, Huh.” This proves yet again that it is not what you say but what they hear that is truly important. Then he licked my face…

     We are in the lane that goes straight and the lane to the right is for right-turns only. There is a sign ahead that says very loudly in caution yellow that the road narrows and the lane ends. I am in the slow moving line and accelerating as I see the red tail lights flash in sequence. Why did the light flash? BOTTLENECK!!!

     The car whips by me and the ten cars ahead of me, anticipating the green, guns it and whips in front of the line of cars that are already in motion in the lane to go straight. I instinctively whip my arm out in a protective fashion in preparation of major impact in an effort to protect the TuckMonster. Pretty much a dumb thing because he is heavy enough to cause the air-bag to go off and would prolly be okay in a five mile per hour collision…

     I can only hope the JackassDriver that committed that ridstupidous move had a life or death situation, to put other’s lives in jeopardy. Actually, I hope for nothing bad to come to anyone, I hope the LessThan five minutes that they saved, was used to some life-changing end…we all know it was not. We all know it was just someone that thought they were more important than the next guy… Jus' sayin'...

     I get to my mother’s house and the she maintains that the toilet does not flush or some such nonsense. I flush it and plop the plunger a couple times. There is not a thing wrong with it…As I am leaving I say, “If you want to have over for a cup o’ Joe, Ma, just ask me to come for coffee…” she smiles and I give her a hug…and the TuckMonster I do get to spend five minutes with my mom. Five minute that change my life…

      Five minutes I will never regret, because she will be gone from life far too early for my liking…five minutes that can change my life…what if I did not go to see her and something happened? It is kinda negative thinking. But with the events of the past week it is a realism that I must accept. We all die. And not when it is convenient or when we have had a proper time to say goodbye to our loved ones. Take those five minutes, with your loved ones, at any chance you can.

     It turns out there was less wrong with her toilet than the time I drove over to check out the lack of hot water in her house…My nephew was staying with her and he takes a shower and the water is not hot. I ask her if anyone took a shower before he took one. She replies that no one took a shower.

     I get there and turn on the hot water and it is hot…I mean HOT! Not just luke-warm, not kinda hot, but burn-your-fingers-and toes hot! Did you run the dishwasher or have the washing machine going? Turns out she had done a load of laundry. Just before the shower… TADA!!! “The hot water heater is not on demand, mom. It takes time to re-heat when someone takes a shower.” I give her a hug and sit down for a cup o’ Joe…

     Five minutes worth of skillful questioning would have changed my life. Sometimes the change is not as positive. Again I got to see my mom, to fix something that was not broken. I could look at the negative, of driving to fix nothing, but I look at the positive of seeing my mom…

     We are all in a ridstupidous hurry at some time or other. We all have some near misses. We all have times that we come very close to experiencing BOTTLENECKS that can cause CollisiveForce Principle. It is okay to speed past that slowass driver. So next time you are running late, and are figuring that it is okay to run that yellow light. Remember someone else may be in the same situation. And if there five minutes and you five minute collide it will change your life… It takes five minutes. To change your life. you will not regret it...Seriously.

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If not this it would be something else…

      My last entry to the blog-o-sphere was a bit depressing and the week has been filled with ups and downs. Those of us that know Mike have been riding the VoHovator...It is up one minute down the next. Actually, it is a much slower PendulumishProgression but it sure feels that way when you are living it. But If Not This It Would Be Something Else… (henceforth: INTIWBSE)

     Daily struggles. We all have them. But INTIWBSE!!!!

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     This mind-meld picture just made me laugh…

     Now mind you this girl was cute, much cuter than the mind-meld camera captured, but seriously? Advertising you HC Queendom in a car…and a Gremlin at that? SERIOUSLY? Oh yeah it is Homecoming week in many places. One more reason to be thankful that I have graduated and sorta matured…Who's wit me? (i know i wrote wit) 

     Having spent a bit of time this week in a hospital, I realized that hospitals are very Un-Green. It is consumerism in the 10th degree. Not only is a hospital full of bio-hazards and germs, it is a constant stream of debris and disposables.

     It is AMAZING that more people do not get sick when they spend time there. I know the doctors and nurses and support staffers are prolly fairly germ-conscience, but the teaming mass of All-Walks-Of-Life and Cleanliness-Factors is mind-bending-Malignancy in a can. The downfall of civilization will prolly be sparked by the germ-warfare that is a hospital…

     The fact is that your life changes immeasurably and in many ways when a close friend or family has a terrible accident… not as much as the victim, but change none-the-less…and as a member of the human race, we fear change….as an added bonus you exposed to an overdose of germiness and are surrounded by a ton of depression and death… INTIWBSE

     I have not had much time to search out my BloggerMuse and the moon has not been full or mebbe it has but I am very out of it…Typically the full moon is a very creative time for me. But …INTIWBSE…

     Wow INTIWBSE looks eerily similar to INTERWEB…there may be a connection…Jus’ Sayin’…

     I have said before I am a vampire, but I am also a Were-Blogger…good things usually come to me during a full moon…IDK…I have noticed that my eyebrows have a couple weird-ass long dark hairs protruding from them. Very Were-ish…Years ago when I shaved my left eyebrow, like Bob Geldorf’s character in Pink Floyd, The Wall, no one noticed. My eyebrows are nearly transparent. Except for the errant two hairs…they just keep coming back…I cut them off, they re-appear but INTIWBSE …if that does not say were-blogger, i do not know what does...

    This ArtPrize thingy going on in Downtown GR is a hoot…OR NOT…Actually, I would not know first hand, cuz I do not like crowds and hate driving in the metro area, so I avoid it at all costs. Unfortunately, I was driving to the hospital to see VoHo and got caught in a traffic jam. It only took me about 20 minutes to drive three blocks. And I saw a couple of fire trucks…since VoHo’s accident; I get a Gut-Grumbler every time a see one…

    There were a million people milling around. I saw enough to know that you could not get me to go down there for THE MILLION in change on the streets. Ok, mebbe I would go sown there for that, but seriously, not for much less. What a clusterfuk-fukeroo…

     I did see a bunch of people crossing the street and not at the crosswalks, and fortunately for them, none of them flipped me off, because I do not need a trip to the jailhouse… by the time I navigated the gawkers traffic jam I was a millisecond from coming unglued, but that is really not much different than any other day when I am driving in the downtown area…usually I do not have to contend with the Art-Prize Idiot Squad,  but INTIWBSE

     It has been an up and down week and the highs have been very high, like when VoHo sorta smiled at me moved his arms and all that…but the lows have been very low…the prognosis for VoHo is not good…he is still alive…high five!! He will have some paralysis, most likely from the neck down…I guess I am jumping the gun, but the visit on Friday was a major bummer… INTIWBSE

     We celebrated the first MCT of the year and it was good…free (to us) Crown Royal for everyone…a plus…did a small project and talked a bit o the talk and then backed it up with a bit o the walk…cuz that’s how we roll in the MCT crowd…The TuckMonster took a dump in the ManCave…hey jackass, no shitting in the MC…a bummer…yes he is still a puppy, but… INTIWBSE …SERIOUSLY? What else could he do that is worse than dropping a deuce in the MC? lots of things like chewing thru the power cord on the tablesaw, but who's counting?

     I have been dreaming a lot of weird stuff lately. I think it may have to do with the fact that I have cut back on the booze…it could be the meds I am taking.It is prolly something i picked up at the hospital... It could be a lot of things but INTIWBSE…

     A couple nights ago I dreamt of a house that had a bathroom with four showers. Four separate showers. In ONE bathroom!!! Very odd. One of the showers in this 4 shower bathroom had a urinal built in the shower. In the dream I thought that this was kinda cool. When I did the DreamPostMortum, when you try to figure out WTF the dream meant, I thought what’s the point?

     When you fire up most showers, the time to wait for the proper temperature is known as Water-Down-Time (WTD)...cuz the water just goes down the drain, right? a natural part of taking a shower... If I somehow forget to pee before I get in the shower, although the running water is a natural piss-inducer, I am going to piss while in the shower, which i call inshowero pissing. I mean I am already naked (fighting visual) Inshowero pissing is a GreenAction. If you are Green enough to have a 1.6 flusher then you are saving 1.6 gallons by draining the lizard inshowero. I am saving more cuz my toilet uses about 30 gallons per flush and most times I have to DoubleFlush...very Un-Green...    

      I know most of you guys have prolly done the inshowero piss. Some of the women have prolly done this as well. …   The waste water all goes to the same sewer line. This GreenAction saves water and not just by eliminating a flush, it also saves the WTD, waiting for the shower to re-get to the proper temperature to make your re-entrance, . If you exit the shower and leave the water running that is VeryUnGreen…there goes the 1.6 you could have saved...Jus' Sayin'.... 

    Okay, so you could shut down the shower and exit. Do the urine-drop and reset the whole process. That does not seem very green.  It seems very UnGreen. but this is "Merica...whatever.. peein' in the shower is my new green effort!!! just doin' my part for the future generations of this planet!!!

  TANGENT ALERT!!!TANGENT ALERT!!!

     This week I discovered a new dip for tortilla chips cuz I am special like that. My wife recently made about 20 jars of salsa. Good salsa cost around $4.00 in the grocery store. That means we have about $80.00 worth of good salsa. And this salsa rocks. It is not too hot, but it has great flavor, and a couple shakes of Tabasco in it kicks it up to speed…I am sure she used about $100.00 worth of veggies to make it but hey INTIWBSE…

     Oh yeah, I was talking about the new dip.

1 cup of small curd cottage cheese (and not that low fat stuff. the low fat stuff tastes like eating a wet sweat sock. Don’t ask me how I know, I just do)

2 scooops of my wife's homade home-made salsa (no, i did not mean 'ho made)

3 shakes of Tabasco (not red-hot, not anything but Tabasco)

A dash of coarse ground Black pepper (WTF is a dash? you figure that out. i can only do so much for you) 

A dash of garlicsalt-pepper mix (no substitutions, please)

Stir (not shanken) and eat with chips…

     THANK YOU FOR THE WELL WISHES, PRAYERS, AND THOUGHTS THIS PAST WEEK!!!

      The world is full of ups and downs, crisis’s, and zenith’s AND we all have our our version of the VoHovator...but INTIWBSE…I saw the other day that K-mart is Re-introducing Lay-away…trey cool.
I have decided to put my bad news on a layaway plan.  Henceforth I too will put my troubles on lay-away…I will only withdraw a bit-o-trouble at a time. If too many bad things happen at once I will ignore the most of it, get drunk and go to sleep perchance to dream something even more f-d up than the 4 shower dream. INTIWBSE Or something like that. I refuse to be depressed cuz… INTIWBSE….

     AND IT IS… 

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VoHo can you hear me?

     It is official. I had a bad week followed by an even more painful and depressing week-end. And a craptacluar beginning of the week As I age I become more and more broken and the wounds do not heal with any kind of expediency. This week it is a shoulder. This happens to be my casting shoulder, which is a problem, because I love to fish, and the relaxation I get from being in a boat is a huge boost to my JADIP ideals…

     Last week it was something else. I am not looking for pity, and know I have made the bed in which I lie, I am merely setting the stage for the story I am about to relate. As my buddy George says “upright and taking nourishment.” And that is a good thing.

     This weekend started out like it was gonna be great. I picked up the BASSMONKEY and installed the new throttle actuator thingy. The TuckMonster and I got the fishing gear all together and headed out to do the shakedown cruise. With giant smiles on our faces we hit the lake. Then the weekend started to head south.

     The boat motor ran the worse that it has ran all summer. “It is still f-ed.” I exclaimed to the TuckMonster. He turned and looked at me with his big brown eyes from his ready stance on the bow, next to the trolling motor. He said nothing, because he is a dog, and lacks the ability to talk in human language, but his body language told me he was still counting on a boat ride and a fish chase.

     I did not have the heart to tell him it was not gonna happen, so I made a token effort, knowing full well that not much good could come from this ill-fated cruise. The only thing that would have made our *three-hour cruise* much worse is if the boat were christened the S.S.MINNOW.

     We puttered out a half mile or so with a howling tail wind, blowing at just a shade under 20mph with gusts topping 25mph. (white caps form at around 25nph) and threw out the anchors. They did not hold. We proceeded to continue a slow crawl dragging the anchors until we were dangerously close to the McMansion docks.

     While all this was happening, I managed to get out about 5 casts. Weak ones at that. The pain in the shoulder was not gonna allow the endorphins to flow in the thrill of a catch. It was time to fire up the engine and head in. Of course that was a daunting task in itself. The starting of the engine was difficult at best. After several failed attempts it roared to life and I went forward to pull the anchors.

     About the time I had them pulled the motor stalled out and refused to start. I *bluetonguelashed the biatch* and she finally relented coughing to life and staying running long enough to avoid an insurance claim boat collision with a docked speedboat. I have had almost as many fender-benders in my boats as in my cars. Well, not really just one little crash with the SEAMONKEY…a story for another day.

      Defeated and limping toward the dock, head into the wind, the spray hurling at us was a lunchroom full of prepubescent kids flinging spit-balls we slowly headed in. We made the dock and began the arduous task of loading the boat, complicated by the fact that the Reeds Lake launch prohibits motor loading and further complicated by the fact that the motor barely ran. Needless to say, I got a bit wet loading the boat.

      When we got home we tuned into the magicDVR’d WINGS exhibition game in which the WINGS beat the hated butthawks from Cit-town in an exhibition game. I was flying solo on the watch so the high-fiving and fist bumps were nonexistent and a good thing as the dull pain in my shoulder was wrested away by the whiskey and cokes. And a bit of advil… Jus’ Sayin’…

     I awoke on Saturday with a renewed vigor, and a chance at fishing redemption, heading out with my Bro-in-Law, Chuck. We were ready to drop the boat when I received the second text of the morning from my friend Rich. “Text me jackass.” That is kinda like the Bat-signal. As I was riffling off a return volley of text sarcasm, the phone rang. It was Rich. Uh-oh…He NEVER calls you; he just TEXTS you…When he calls it is *Bat-Signal* of the highest order.

     The guypack that I run with are all men of high character. I would fall on a grenade for any of them. I would lie or die for them. I am a fiercely loyal guy. They are as well. They are all brothers of different mothers. I know that saying is cliché, but it is true in this case. Rich, Cookie, Laramie, PornFairy, Freeman Jim, VoHo, Old Dan…These are the first generation of WInterCampers. My GuyPack…

     I am not as sure about the second generation of the GuyPack, as they still suffer form the affliction known as youth. I prolly would throw myself on a grenade for them as well, and I know my wife would want me to if it involved our son, who is a SecGener… but I digress…

     I answered the phone with the utmost trepidation. This cannot be good, I thought. My first thought was he was in jail. But that made no sense, as they take all your possessions away when they lock you up. They even take your shoelaces so you cannot make a Dixie Cup telephone. Or mebbe to keep you from hanging yourself.

     I asked what was wrong. He told me VOHO was in an accident. It was not good. It was very NOT GOOD. Rich was at the Hospital. And, no, I did not need to come down just yet. It was very probable that VoHo would not make it thru the day. But it was chaos at that point and I could do nothing to make it any better. He would let me know…

     A lot of things go thru your head when you get that call. My weekend just got worse. Big-time worse… But at least I was not in a hospital fighting for my life.

     I am a worrier and a fixer. I worry about how I am gonna fix the things I worry about. I try not to worry, but all the same I do. But this is not about me. So what if the boat is f-d…I am not laying in a hospital bed, fighting to stay alive.

     I have known VoHo for a long time. I never really call him by his given name anymore…I have hundreds of VoHo stories…

      He has about 100 (HYPERBOLE) brothers and sisters as his family like my family took in foster kids. They were much more prolific than my family. I cannot keep track of all the kids that call his mom, mom and call him brother. He is a family first guy.

     VoHo was my first business partner. We managed to put together a business that made just enough money to keep both of us working full-time at our other jobs. We managed to end the business and remain friends, although it was dicey for a few years.

     Neither of us was a sales guy, but we could both work hard. I know we both blamed each other for a time, for the failure of the business. However, we were young and with youth is a certain brand of incredulous stupidity that makes you think that you have all the answers and every plan is a million dollar idea. Putting the plan into action is easier if the partners have different strengths.

      One night early on in this endeavor after we finished up losing money for that day, we decided to smoke down in my Dodge van. We parked behind the McD’s and fired up a joint. We rolled out of the van laughing like two stoners are want to do. The smoke poured out like the scene from Fast Times at Ridgemont High. We were definitely Spicoli’d. Jus’ Sayin’…

     We stumbled into McD’s and walked up to the counter. I said in the quietest voice possible for my stoned condition, which BTW was prolly just below a shout, “We’d like to see the King.” The person and I do not remember if it was a girl or a boy, behind the counter stared blankly at us, as we howled with stoner laughter. That’s why they call it dope…

     The business was called Handy Home Care Services. No matter what we tried to find to do, we mostly washed windows. One of the many jobs we lost money on was a two-story house window job. I had VoHo do the exterior windows on the ladder, cuz I hate ladders and heights. He was out there washing the window and I saw a furry black body of what looked like a mouse. It was actually a bat. I banged the window and woke the bat, which flew off towards his head. The ensuing chain reaction startled VoHo and he nearly fell two stories to the driveway below. He didn’t fall…

     VoHo is kinda charmed like that. I would have fallen and smashed my head open, VoHo, did not. He has had many close calls…He has survived at least one (serious) motorcycle accident, a WinterCamping near suffocation, a sub-zero pass-out in his car on a ski trip, and numerous other things that would kill the common guy. No, VoHo is uncommonly charmed. He has more lives than a cat. At least we all think he does.

turns out he hit a fire truck. if not for that he would have died on the scene...only VoHo....

    VoHo and Rich started the whole WinterCamping thing something like 22 years ago…The actual first WinterCamping trip date is a debatable thing at every WinterCamp. The date for the WC is supposed to be the first weekend after the first of January. Recently it has been a point of contention and the factions of WCer’s pick sides and argue the merits of when it will be. I guess this year it will be the 28th of January. Unless VoHo has anything to say about it. I hope he does. I pray he does…

     Years ago, and I know I have mentioned the six rounds Indiana Canoe trip before I nearly came to blows with VoHo It was the first time since our HHCS days that I saw him truly pissed at me. VoHo wanted to kick my ass. I told him I did not want to fight and I loved him like a brother…for some reason that really set him off…”I hate all my brothers” he shouted.

     As we danced the GuysReadyToFight dance, we circled around grappling each others shirts. I guess VoHo took exception to Billy G and me lollygagging our way to the camp ground. I guess we had Rich and VoHo’s gear. I do not know how that happened but enough Boone’s Farm or M/D 20/20 had SOMETHING to do with it.

     When VoHo bought his house on the Muskegon River, I thought he was nuts. At the time I lived in Cedar Springs and hated the drive back to GR, so I could NOT IMAGINE the commute he would have. But the place is cool and the frontage is awesome…I never get up there enough to see him…now I wish I had gone up there many more times…

     VoHo has an annual canoe/ tubing float called Friends and Family. I blogged about the most recent one. You can check the archives if you missed it…it is worth a read…

     A couple of years back being that VoHo is a Redskins fan and I am a Lions fan we made plans to trundle up to his house for the Lions/Skin’s Sunday game. We showed up around 12:45, and knocked on the door. There was no answer. We tried the door it was unlocked. We walked in grabbed some beers and checked the freezer. There was a frozen pizza.

     We turned on the TV. A few minutes later the phone rang. We ignored it. The answering machine kicked in. It was VoHo. “I know you guys are there, my neighbor called to tell me that a bunch of guys were in my house.” We picked it up. “Where the hell are you?”

     He replied that he was in Tennessee. And that we could have some beer and there was a frozen pizza we could have as well…Way ahead of you buddy….

     He is a great friend. Well brother actually…I have prayed a lot for him lately. I have cashed in a bunch of God credits…I hope it works…

     When I walked in and saw him words cannot describe my thoughts. In some kind of crazy science-fiction rotating bed…it was bad…very bad…hella bad…even worse than I imagined. All you saw was his head. And the weird crazy science-fiction rotating bed

     I quietly told him he better get better. Out loud I said to his mom, and the rest of the well wishers that I was not gonna drag his ass back to WinterCamp. He will have to find his own way back…

     I prayed like I have not prayed in a long, long time. Funny how we need God when we have personal tragedy. He may not make it. I pray he does. The hours and days pass, and there is progress, and little victories, but still no surety. But then again there are no sure things in life.

     I may have had a bad week and a bad weekend. And a crappy day today, But at least I am upright and taking nourishment, and not fighting for my life in some science fiction bed…

     I have hundreds of VoHo stories I hope I can have hundreds more…VoHo, if you can hear me…you better pull thru this…I love you like a brother, man…

The crumbling infrastructure of America. Er I mean the American intellect…

Disclaimer: The subliminal views expressed in this blog are for entertainment purposes only. JADIP denies any responsibility for future losses and does not warrant any facts to be checked or verified as the interweb is down during the composition of this blathering…reader assumes responsibility for any stock transactions that may or may not transpire after reading this blog…JADIP is not a broker. 
Anyone offended or pissed about content can send me a $25.00 (cash) and an “Ed Johnson” letter via snail mail in triplicate and a self-addressed, stamped envelope. I may respond…but prolly not… (However, I will donate half of the proceeds to the Safe Haven Humane Society…)

Trending Now……1.Jaycee Dugard 2.Bankruptcy Protection .JetBlue 4.Shipping Containers 5.Kim Kardashian  6.Hurricane Watch 7.Bristol Palin 8.Jennifer Aniston 9.Lady Gaga Meat Diet…10.Keanu Reeves    
     I see some pretty stupid stuff on my daily driving exploits. I see a lot of bridges in disrepair, a lot of pot holes, and occasionally when it is not sunny but I decide to wear my HD Wrap-around sunglasses with the x-ray feature on full tilt I can also see the disparaging decay of our neglected underground infrastructure. …I also like garlic…*buy stock in garlic now*
     I have yet to figure out how to use these x-ray spec superpowers for good, like say, checking out hotties’ undergarments. When I figure this out, I will let you know…
     Anyway, with this feature on this most awesome set of glasses, I can see the potable water and raw sewage mixing together making potable sewage offspring…like Absopure and Dasani…seriously, paying a dollar (or more) for something that comes out of the tap for free. Yeah, tap water may have been in someone’s toilet two days ago, but that’s why we have sewage treatment plants…and Britta water filters...*buy stock in Britta now*
     A coupe of days ago I saw another crumbling intellect beauty.  a pure gem...With my mental imaging device and my mind-melding USB cable I mind melded this picture to the blog…

      I thought the yellow line turn lane was meant to have vehicles enter ALL THE WAY INTO IT and turn…I know it is mostly used to merge into traffic when making a left hand turn, like on 28th street but it is ACTUALLY meant for making left hand turns…or so I thought…Mebbe not…I don’t know…intellect..crumbling..can’t...make…sense…
     I do not know what, where, or who to place the blame for the Crumbling Intellect of America (or CIA). I have some ideas, but they are all kinda fuzzy logic right now. I am leaning toward the lack of garlic the typical American diet. I have yet to see McD’s come out with garlic infused Angus burger. I had thought by now they would have at least a deep-fried garlic clove or at least a garlic-flavored shake. I bet Wendy’s is the first on the garlic bandwagon…just a hunch… *buy Wendy’s stock now*
     McD’s did come up with the Shamrock Shake. I would think the braintrust that could make that disgusting combination of green beer and ice cream would deliver us from the evil of no garlic fast food…BTW…I do not like the shamrock shake flavor but I do like both ice cream and beer, but not green beer…
     The only explanation is vampirism. Vampires are running things at all levels of everything. To be correct bad vampires. The good ones can and do eat garlic. They can also be photographed. And see their reflection in the mirror. And all the girl good vampires are as hot as Kate Beckinsale. Or not…whatever…

It is a full moon so I guess it could be Lycans as well...mebbe, but I doubt it…

     Yup! Vampires are sucking the life out of everything. They are destroying the world. They are everywhere and all that and a slice of toast… I know there could be another reason for the CIA, but let’s not over think things. Let’s be simplistic, and very tea-partyish. Let’s just go with the first completely stupid, unfounded, improvable, illogical thing and run with it…hence *the world is a vampire*…or I mean the world is run by vampires…BAD ONES…

     We do not need to go any farther with this blog, but why stop here. There are plenty of CIA examples. And the vampires do not want me to disclose these things… since I am not one to follow instructions, and have authority issues already; I will forge ahead…besides I have more stuff to say...

     Any commercial that makes you question the mental age of the ad company exec’s that okayed some of this tripe is a fine example. Most of these ridstupidous commercials are not beer commercials. Beer commercials are 99% good. Although, Michelob and Lowenbrau, and most times Coors commercials are just bad. When I feel the crumbling of my intellect after listening to or watching a bad commercial I feel vampired…*buy stock in Lowenbrau not…er I mean now…*

    I love the crumbling intellect involved in a four-way stop. I wave people thru a lot of the time. If they do not know the person to the right has the right of way (I know this depends on the time of arrival an all that but let’s not get all technical and stuff) I love f-ing with their chee… Sometimes I Bogart (Norman suggested bog art which I read at first as Bong Art…I have a suspicion that Norman the speel-chjeckler used to be a stoner) their right-of-way. If they are too stupid to know the four-way rules of engagement, f them…

BTW…Hooterville er I mean Hudsonville is the worst city at the four way stop…

but then all Cadillac’s have auto pilot don’t they?

*buy stock in Cadillac now*

     While driving the other day with my friend Aaron, he mentioned that a cell phone should have a death ray feature. (I think that is the word he used, but I am not sure so I will run with it anyway, cuz that’s how I roll!) I agree. That would make sense. That would make a cell phone REALLY smrt…it would have helped immensely with all non-drivers of the crumbling intellect variety. And it may help with the population explosion. The drawback is that sooner or later I would be a victim of this technology. Oh well, live by the cell-phone death ray; die by the cell-phone death ray. *buy any techno stock now*
     Ok so if you are a pedestrian you have the right-of-way. Kinda…but not if you are crossing out side of the crosswalk. Then you are fair game. Then you are a bumper blemish. Albeit a low point value but fair game none-the-less. I have noticed that more and more high-school age (and younger) kids seem to be oblivious of this rule... The next one that flips me off while crossing fifty yards from the nearest crosswalk of in front me will become a hood ornament. I will also back over them for good measure… Jus’ Sayin…crumbling intellect…
     My friend Jim got a ticket for failure to alight, while riding his bike on the side walk. Well, actually he was riding thru an intersection coming off a side walk and into an intersection, and as he rode thru, he was struck by a car. He died…KIDDING! But he did almost miss ManCave Thursday which is a fate worse than death. And he got the ticket. If that is not crumbling intellect, I am afraid to find out what is. Whatever happened to the “Last Clear Chance” motif?
     Remember when you could go to Denny’s and drink coffee all night and it was only 75 cents? For a bottomless cup! Now people wait in line for ten minutes or more at a WhoreBucks to get ONE cup for $3.00 and up. And it is not any better than the “cheap stuff” at Denny’s…there is a serious crumbling intellect when it comes to coffee. *Sell all your shares of WhoreBucks now*
    And why can’t Customer Service people count back change? Try giving them $1.37 for something that costs 87 cents. Just once. And watch the look on their face…it is good for a laugh…you can almost see their crumbling intellect slipping out their ears…
     I also want to know why the CSR’s *bank tellers* cannot go in the safe every morning and roll around in the money. That may change their attitude a bit. I know it would change mine. It just sounds like a lot of fun.

Tangent alert tangent alert tangent alert (a new feature!!!)

And why would anyone not think affordable healthcare for the masses is not a good thing? We pay for indigent care irrelevant of the fact that we have a good policy or a crappy one…or even none at all…the tax dollars hard at work…

I have a high deductible and not so great insurance plan, but it is insurance all the same. I am thankful for the coverage. The cost of healthcare would drop if it were not for all the freebies for indigent care. Or mebbe I am suffering from crumbling intellect.

For a moment I forgot that insurance companies are the devil, run by vampires and will not lose money…the premium you pay does not get used for paying losses, only a small portion of it goes toward the risk pool. It just makes sense that if you stop a leak, (read fewer freebies) there is more water in the bucket and the same applies to a big pool of money (read: risk pool).

Alert over…

     Look around you. The crumbling intellect is everywhere. I saw a post on FB from one of my friends mentioning to a CSR at a grocery store (remember when they called them cashiers?) that they were going to Gettysburg. The CSR replied that she did not really know where that was but it sounded familiar. Screams of crumbling intellect…
     I may be a *good* vampire, sucking the life out of this life, living every moment like it could be my last, giving my all in every facet of my everyday existence, yeah Riiight ...well mostly I am…but that does not mean I don’t like garlic. I love garlic. It is proven to give you stinky pits, but it is brain food. I cannot prove the brain food thingy because I do not have interweb right now to do any research, but I know it to be true. Every time I have garlic I feel smrter…Garlic may help stem the tide of crumbling intellect in the USA. And rid us of the bad vampires that are ruining the world…

*thru click an ad and save some puppies NOW*