its so cliche...

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     This morning I awoke with a strange sensation. if it wasn't for bad luck...This day had bad written all over it. bad things happen to good people... It was not just a case of the cliché’s…It was not just a b-movie sub-plot with all the trimmings. It was not Ground Hog’s Day…as least not yet…so many cliché’s so little time.. 

     I KNOW you are prolly thinkin’ it was just MorningWood, but aside from that particular affliction that plagues most all of the ychomos out there, it was not. It was a feeling of impending doom. A feeling of a bad moon a risin’. Well, more correctly a settin’ but that song has yet to be written.

     This impending doom was not because I had to go back to the aliens house to put a new shade of lipstick on that pig, but more so it was an “I got a bad feeling about this.” The turd polishing was just icing on a really stale cake. I can live that, cuz this PigLipstickingTurdPolishing job is not my first rodeo and all that but…I know you have all been there as well. Some days just start out like a DamionDay…

     After a night of oddball dreams, that I cannot not quite remember, lingering in my sub-conscience like DogFart and rotted beef blended with patchouli oil on a passed out deadhead and a very disconcerting morning feeling not connected to not having MorningWood, which would be a bad omen as well, I received a strange call. My Friend George called to express his regret and sadness for my loss.

WTF?!? Who died? Panic…Danger Will Robinson!

     My first thought was that VoHo had unsprung his mortal coil and had passed on to the other side to hang with Mr. MoJo Rison and Jimi Hendrix. Did he die and I was outta the loop? Amazingly, my first thought was I need to check FB to see what the scoop is…Unfortunately, I had just set the lappy to standby and it takes for ever to wake up, just like the grumpy 5 year old it is.

     When did I become so attached to the InterwebyUmbilical? My next thought was where was my Cellular device? Where the f! was that damn cell phone? My first thought was I left it in my flying car…oh wait there is no flying car…Yet…Mebbe I got a text that I missed. Holy crap, what did we do when we only had dial-up? Or rotary dial phones? The world has moved to instant gratification mode…except when you really need to know…

    CompuTime IS a slug on a dry leaf in the hot sun when you NEED to know something on the interweb…finally the page loaded up and I checked for bad news…there was nothing there to clue me in…then…

OMG…

I took a sip of the worst coffee I had made in months.

Two scoops coffee and six cups water equals very weak AND yucky…

     It turns out that it was a different guy that hit an emergency vehicle that died last night. It could have been my friend, and I could be in mourning on this disconcerting morning…There but for the grace of God go I...

     As we all hurtle thru space at like 17 thousand miles per hour on a ball of rock and water or mebee a chunk of bittersweet chocolate kryptonite...f-you willy wonka..IKD... one bazillionth of the size of the massive expanse of the universe or galaxy or just plain space, whatever it is called, cuz Bill Nye I am not, we are protected by really…wait for it…wait for it…ABSOf-ing Nothing…or God. I will choose the higher power. I will choose God. But I will not be preachy about it. ABSOf-ing Nothing is sooo very negative and depressing…it is kind of like tofu oatmeal…do they even make tofu oatmeal? It sure sounds gross…

     Lately, I have become more and more convinced that everything happens for a reason. The problem is that the reason is not always very pretty. Or very easy to figure out, read or cipher. It is all in heroglyphic…(God language as in Hero meaning God and glyphic meaning language…BTW, If you do not know it yet, my blog my rules, fight back your insane desire to correct me…)

     I drove by a guy holding a sign asking for money. I thought for a moment to give him cash would be a good and stuff thing to do. Then I remembered that I struggle to pay my bills and I work full-time. I guess I could make a sign with some glitter and a glue stick and find a corner to spange, but I am not quite there yet. That does not mean that I do not feel for the guy. I do. There but for the grace of God go I...

     I was walking up to the hospital room to see VoHo. I was approached by an elderly woman that had some lame-ass story about being left at the hospital. She needed to get a dollar to get a ride home. I thought that I had no cash in my wallet as I pulled it out of my pocket. I told her that I doubted I could help her. In my wallet were two dollars. I gave her one. half my net worth, given to someone i do not know...

 Mebbe I am a sucker. Mebbe I am an easy mark.

 Mebbe I am a good person that does what he thinks is right.

Most likely I am a sucker, a mark, but I will not change

cuz there but for the grace of God go I...

     I was sitting with VoHo’s Mom and Brother. I got up to wander down to the room to see him. Amazing how quickly I seize up. I had only been sitting for like 10 minutes. By the time I got to the corner about ten paces from the seat I had just disembarked I was nearly back to a normal gate. I turned the corner. I nearly walked into a guy in a wheel chair with no legs…the legs may hurt, but they still work… There but for the grace of God go I...

     There are many crossroads on our daily commute form here to there. The line between life and death is thin. Much thinner than I thought it was a couple weeks ago. Much thinner than we all really wish to acknowledge. In an instant it can all change. In an instant it can all change…in an instant it can all…you get the point.

     In VoHo’s room I hear him speak for the first time since the accident. He says, “ I cannot breath” He is struggling to breath. We cannot find the call button. He is panicking. I am a bit freaked out. So is his mom. Damn you DamionDay! I calmly go the the next room and ask the guy sitting at the computer there to help. “the Guy in 4806 cannot breath, do you think you can give us a hand…” Just about that time a nurse comes in and assures us that he is fine. She gets him to calm down. She explains that the O2 number is 97. the best is 100 so he is fine…he falls asleep shortly there after. I leave and am shaken a wee bit. Ridin’ the VoHovator..

     I hate to dwell on the negative. I hate to watch people suffer. I know that there are those that have so much less to loose than me and have it far worse than I do. It helps to keep me humble. There but for the grace of God go I...It puts all things in perspective.

     Sometimes I remember the world is my kryptonite..bittersweet chocokyptonite at that...I am powerless to change anything but my thoughts. While that does give me free reign to wear underwear more than one day in a row, or flip the socks to get a second day out of them, that is poor consolation in the grand scheme...     

      WorldChocoKryptonite does give me the excuse to pay someone to change my oil as well and if I really want to I could have someone sit beside me and change the channels. Oh wait, I have that already, I call her Roxy. And I know eventually she will fall asleep and I can change them myself. I know she is asleep when I am watching the Spanish channel for more than two minutes…    

   WorldChocoKryptonite it is sobering and at the same time comforting. Sobering when I look at VoHo. He will need help to do everything for a long time. Sobering when I see the less fortunate. There but for the grace of God go I...Comforting when I think of the good things and the good times and the good times yet to be had on this hurtling ball of bittersweet. and VoHo is alive..

And only you can prevent forest fires…Jus’ sayin…

      I feel bad for all the ills of the world. I wish for a better place for my children’s children. I have never been a particularly religious guy. I have never been a big fan of expressing my faith and asking for prayers for me or mine. I have always kept my relationship with the man upstairs a mostly closed door conversation. I do not think that will change. I do not think I will modify my relationship. Well mebbe occasionally. Every day I see something that makes me think, There but for the grace of God go I...

      I do not have to be superman. and I am allergic to choclate..(seriously, i am...) I do not have to change the world. I just have to change me. I just have to change my thoughts. Attitude conquers all kinds of inability. And then you can change the world. One channel at a time. One day at a time.One blog at a time...(one Click thru at a time) and thru all that it is still…

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You can put lipstick on a pig…

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      In the world of remodeling there are lots of surprises. Anytime you open a wall you find something interesting. I am not talking about the myriad of spiders and alien looking bugs that have never seen the light of day. The last frontier, while many think is the depths of the oceans of the world, is in the cavities of the stud bays. The dust is one thing, weird CricketSpiders are another...Those things just kinda creep me out…

    I used to be more surprised, now I just think it is a standard operating procedure. If there is nothing surprising inside a wall, then I am surprised. The fun of demolition is in the interesting crap you find hidden in a wall. You can put lipstick on a pig or polish a turd and the pig is still a pig and the turd is still a turd. Sometimes I find a polished turd or a lipstick wearing pig…

    One time I found a mini license plate from Iowa. Is it kismet? I was born in Iowa where the pigs outnumber the people 5 to 1. I am surprised that lipstick is not their biggest import. With that many pigs, there are a lot of turds. Whenever I hate my job I think of jobs I would hate more. Being an IowanTurdPolisher is prolly topping my list today. For that matter I would be loathe to wish for anyone to be an IowanPigLipsticker as well.

f-in’ with Norman…kinda like messin’ with Sasquatch…

With my minds-eye imagining device I have broken down this quandary in picture format, just so you know…

I once found a newspaper in a wall that I opened up. It was a sports page dated June 21, (I think) 1955. There was an article about a local pool player. Harold Worst. I knew his son Harold Jr.. I saw the younger Harold occasionally at a local dive bar known as the Pump House, AKA, the Pumper... I lost many a game of pool to the younger Harold. And drank a few cold ones as well as knocked back a few whiskey and cokes…. I have many a memory of the Pumper. (BTW, I gave the paper to Harold Jr.)

     My father was a regular at the Pumper. Before his demise, he actually was a bartender there as well. I rarely went in to the Pumper when he was working. I regret not spending more time up there with him, but you cannot change the past. However, I did have more than a few with him there. And at his other haunts. He drank Stroh’s beer…I still drink one now and think of him…talk about lipstick on a pig, in the world of beer, Stroh’s is a wild boar.

     My father and mother took me out for my twenty-first birthday. Needles to say I was a wee bit overserved. At one point in the night the drink of choice became amaretto Slammers, Amaretto with soda water that you slam on the bar top and suck down before the fizz stops. They are tasty. I do not to this day think of Amaretto without the slammer. I lost count after two, so at that point I was prrrretty unsober…

     We continued at home with some 12 year old Pinch Scotch, which I received from Billy G. for my HS graduation and of course some Stroh’s. At one point the conversation turned to the Christmas tree. My father and I decided to set the Christmas tree up outside. In a snow bank just outside the front door… but it looked fine. Just fine. Well, it was fine until I awoke the next morning. The tree leaned more than a bit and the lights were all kinda globbed on the tree even with a HorrendousHangover, it looked like a big, unpolished turd in a fresh snow punch bowl.

     My father was a character. He had flaws. We all do. He liked to drink… A lot. He passed this proclivity on to me. You have to take the good with the bad, and since we do not get to choose our parents, so we love them for who they are…if he were still alive he would not blame my love of the booze on himself, he would blame it on the JohnsonGene. He used to say that beer was a food group, required by the JohnsonGene. I may try to make the case for this statement but…Whatever.

     Back when my sister and I were both single fro the second time my father had a great idea to fix up my sis with a guy at the bar knick-named Barney so he planned a party. No plan to fix me up but if you knew the bar-wenches he knew it was prolly a good idea to pass on that one…let’s just say he knew a few pigs…wearing lipstick.

     Jay, his given name, in fact, looked eerily similar to Barney Rumble, so everyone called him Barney. I am not sure my father actually knew his real name. But my father wanted my sister to be in a relationship, so my father had a little party. And if you do not know this by now, there was a bit of drinking going on. And a bunch of grillin’.

     Also part of the JohnsonGene is the proclivity to have a BBQ or as I like to call them IM2BBQ’s because I do not like to rely on a big plan to cook meat, I like to rely on the whimsical nature of my carnivorous cravings. Mebbe some day I will try grillin some tofu…RIIIGHT…Seriously?

     You can put lipstick on a pig but it is still a pig, you can polish a turd, but it still a turd, and you can put a Johnson in a dry county but he will still find a beer, shot of scotch, or some Canadian Whiskey…A Johnson will find and drink beer and grill food…you might as well put a skirt, knee socks, and lipstick on a quarterback…wait they do…unless he plays for the LIONS… Jus’ sayin’…

     Back to the story…My sister and I were both single at the time. I was just fresh from the road and the Mildly Famous world tour Part One. My father had gathering of 30 or so people. One of the guests was my sister and one of the guests was Barney. My sister, in an act of protection, or preparation, in case Barney was a knuckle draggin’ total loser, brought along a friend. Mebbe she was concerned he was a pig with lipstick… or mebbe a polished turd…IDK…

     It is only fair to let you know that my sister and mom had recently gone to Glamour Shots, where they put more than lipstick on pigs and above average looking women (read: my sis and mother) become very glamorous. My father was particularly proud of the picture he carried of my sister. He must have shown that picture to a bazillion people. 

     Hells yeah, even I was impressed by the glam and I am not from Montucky, so having a fling with a sister is definitely out of the question. I am not sure if Glamour shots can polish a turd and really do not need to know this, but I am throwin’ it out there…

     Still and all, the pic did her a more than fair portion of justice. My mother looked glamorous as well. To be fair I have always thought that my parents were attractive, and know that I have been favorably blessed by being of their genetic contributions. Well, except for during the late 70’s and early 80’s when I thought having a ‘fro was a fashion statement…OMGWTF was I thinkin?

     It turned out that my sis and Barney hit it off. My sister left her friend to fend for herself. It may have been one of the worst things that ever happened to my sister’s friend. I was there and entertaining the crowd with a mix of songs from my repertoire; some covers and some originals. I was having a great time. (As regular readers know I am an applause junkie…) A single woman, at a party, was fair game for the mildly famous, world traveling applause junkie that I was. Once a pig always a pig…

     This little soiree was actually the first and last time my father actually really listened to me play. He was kinda drunk so he actually was kinda impressed. I did not know how to play any of the songs from African Queen, or he may have been REALLY impressed.

     At one of my many breaks between sets I actually said to my sister’s friend, “Ya wanna go for a ride in my Luv Machine…who is wearing the lipstick now, LITTLE PIGGY? I had recently purchased a Toyota van, a bit downsized from the big Chevy. As much as I know she was impressed with my well rehearsed lines, she respectfully declined, but I could see she thought I was the bee’s knees…This friend of my sister happened to be Roxy.

     Roxy and I were married shortly after this party. Well, it was nearly a year later after I ran on back to the Keys to winter after taking Roxy and the kids down for a little Keys vacation. I sent them back to Grand Rapids on a train, which I have never lived down, and continued on with the Mildly Famous world tour part two.

     As I waved goodbye at the train station, I could not help but feeling a little like a polished turd. When I found out that the train broke down about 100 yards from the station and they were sitting there for over an hour, mebbe closer to two, I really felt like an unpolished turd. By the time they finally got moving again, I was well entrenched in the Island atmosphere again…a happy pig…I wrote about fifteen new songs that never seemed to get recorded…one of which is titled “Smilin’ Islands.” Someday it will get put on CD…or not…I digress…

     My sis and Barney were hitched shortly after that. My father died about month later. There is no polishing that turd. I was devastated. It was a beautiful spring day. It was a great morning. Well, until I got the call from my sister that my father had died. Ouch. That stings a bit. We never stop missing the ones we love.

     He was a lot of things, my father, he was a drunk for sure, but he was fiercely loyal and caring. I inherited many traits from him some good some bad, but all the same, I would not trade who I am or who he was… He never got to see the fruits of his matchmaking labors. As I always say life is short…and ya never know when your number is gonna be called. You can put lipstick, a dress, even a thong and a skimpy little Vickie’s Secret babydoll, on that pig and it is still a pig.

     In the past few years, I have been blessed with a bunch of great customers and a few aliens. I wrote about some of the aliens a few blogs ago. I seem to be getting more than my fair share of them lately…as we all know aliens see the world entirely different than the human race…I know coming from a Were-Blogger and admitted vampire, it may seem a tad bit racist, but hey, “the world needs ditch diggers too.”

     When people want to remodel a bathroom, the best solution is to gut it and start over. Take out everything and get down to bare studs. Money is always a concern so to keep the price down; many people think you can save some money by re-using certain aspects and or fixtures. I must say that that kind of alien thinking costs someone a bunch of money. Usually it is the contractor in the cost of hours and hours of labor. A turd with polish is still a turd…

     A new tile floor will rarely match exactly up to the existing base tile, unless you want to spend lots of money, which BTW is the reason for this ridstupidousness in the first place. In this world you get what you pay for. That old vanity, site built 5 decades ago will never paint up as pretty as a new one, painted or stained in a controlled environment.

     The walls with ten plus layers of paint, most layers done by an untrained PaintSlappy, will never look like new construction. Painting while many people think is easy is an art. It is only as good as the paint you use, the existing canvas, and the person applying it. If you put lipstick on a pig it is still a pig.

    The old toilet will not ever be as shiny and new as the one just out of the box. removing anything and re-installing it at a later date is just asking for a blemish, mark, or scratch, cuz you can polish a turd mover but it is still a turd…

     The industry standard, in the construction trades is to view the job from 6 feet away. I really hate to have to use this line. It feels kinda greasy. However, any lipstick smear that you see at 2 inches from the surface is not industry standard.

     An item purchased at a discount home improvement store is going to be a polished turd. However, the polish will prolly be a very thin veneer. There is no way that polish on a turd is going to make the turd anything but what it is.

     Natural stone, tile, and wood, are NOT plastic. They have character and character means flaws. It is not a perfect world. They do not have the luxury of being made by robots in the controlled environment of a plastic factory. And BTW, plastics still have flaws. The world is not perfect…nothing is…and money determines the course of events in way too many aspects of this world…

     For some reason there seem to be a lot of Friday products and Monday products in the mix. Quality control is still about the bottom line. And protecting the shareholders. Quality…not so much…

     You get what you pay for. Just because it says it is a Moen, does not mean that it is of high quality. If you bought it at a big box store there is a reason it is there. The quality of the fixtures at the big box store is for some reason not as good as the ones you buy from a plumbing supply house. I wonder why it is that way. It could be something to do with the old get what you pay for idea…Jus’ Sayin’…

    The fact of the matter is you can put lipstick on a pig, but it is still a pig. The world is full of unrealistic expectations of what a coat of paint can do. Remodeling is like Glamour Shots, but you cannot be a pig to begin with. You can polish a turd but it is still a turd.

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I heard a rumor and I could not care less…

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   I have heard a rumor that I am a bit paranoid. Mebbe. I prefer to call it ProactivePontentialityPreparednessProtocol…Those of you that are not Following PPPP are being lead like lambs to slaughter by the man and his attempt to keep you down…but then again it is a rumor. It could be true but mebbe it is not and I couldn’t care less…

      I have heard a rumor that I may be preachy. I prefer to call it PontificatingPointedness. I may be opinionated. I prefer to call it insightful. I heard a rumor that I may be stupid say or do stupid things and/or may not *gasp* be funny. I prefer to call it HighbrowHumor…

     I have heard a rumor that I am a shameless self-promoter. Accepted and I stand accused...ya gotta stand for something...puppies/trees/pink things/whatever...If I had a million dollars I would not need to ask for help to save puppies I would do it on my own...and as BNL says, "I'd be rich!" 

     I can live with all of those insults and many more but the not funny part. Well, actually I couldn’t care less if you think I am not funny. It is your inability to read between the lines or your uneducatedness that makes me not funny…oh and I know you KNOW who you are…I know where you live, and if you move I will find you and…just kidding…it is a rumor after all… (This is not pointed at ANYONE…it is just page filler…oh damn, I AM paranoid…and not very funny)

     I have heard a rumor that they made a movie about Secretariat. Oh PUL-EEEEEAZE. Did the Hollywood braintrust all go on vacation? Isn’t there a 70’s era toy like Rock ‘em Sock ‘em Robots that is just begging for a shot at retro-glory? And what about Barbie…GI Joe had a movie…I heard a rumor that Barbie’s the last six or so bo-tox injections and 15 face lifts are simply not enough to hide the years but they did offer the part to Liz Taylor…and you know what…I couldn’t care less…

     WTF!?!? Is there an ecstasy, pot, acid, and/or ‘shroom shortage in La-La land? There is not an obscure former 90 second Saturday Night Live skit waiting for re-birth as a 90 minute piece of tripe? There is not a new Freddy Krueger and or Friday the 13th prequel/sequel/re-do…How about a vampire movie, oh wait, OVERDONE, or what about a Frankenstein adaptation?

     Seriously? Secretariat? The Horse? It will be released soon. It may be a great movie. I will never know cuz I will never see it. Why? I couldn’t care less AND I know how it ends, so what is the point? Plus, come on, seriously? A movie about a horse. Been there. Done that. Remember Black Beauty? And Ol’ Yeller?

     I know Ol’ yeller was a dog, but he died in the end. And so does the horse. The end of all of our movies is the same…We all die…not trying to dwell on it…jus sayin…

    I have heard a rumor that the movie boasts that Secretariat is the greatest athlete of all time. Riiight… He was a great race horse, but great athletes, let alone the greatest, can do more than just run around a track. Ok let’s be correct; run around a track with a small person on its back…my dictionary definition of athlete includes the word human somewhere in it. Is the TuckMonster a great athlete? Hardly, but he is fast and he can swim and fetch...

      And guess what? An Iron Horse can go faster than a flesh horse.Without a Jockey riding the horse I bet the race just kinda lollygags around never really ending, cuz the horses just stop running. I do not know that for a fact but if it were not True, why even have jockeys? To give small people jobs? The previous statment may be wrong...Wrong on many levels, and no offense cuz I am an under tall person myself, but I bet I could prolly stuff most of the world's jockeys on the b-ball court…

     Then again I have seen my ability to play b-ball and I retract that statement. I am, however, too tall to be a jockey. And I am woefully out of shape. I would say that the training regimen for a jockey does not include eating bacon and gas station hotdogs…it may also include a bit of stretching and quite possibly some aerobics. I really do not know and quite honestly couldn’t care less…

    Don’t you hate it when someone says, “I could care less” yes you could care less, but if you do not care the proper term is I couldn’t care less…jus’ sayin’

     Saying a horse is the world’s greatest athlete is like saying the set of clubs that Eldrick uses are the world’s greatest athlete. Or the car that Jeff Gordon drives is the greatest athlete. Or the rod and reel that Bill Dance uses is the greatest athlete…without the jockey, Secretariat is just a fast horse with out Eldrick, the clubs could be in my garage and i bet my wife would have hit me with them more than once…without Jeff, the car could be my truck and the rod and reel could be in my non-running boat with or without Bill Dance…

     The things they think are important/ entertaining enough to make a movie about are truly baffling…this is a movie in which I couldn’t care less. I will not even wait for the DVD…The argument could be made that without seeing it you could never really make an informed opinion. Some prostiticans (and you know which way I lean) are famous for making informed opinions without the burden of knowledge or facts...and therefore I rest my case…three thumbs down…

    Some things that are really important are the greatest movies about sports ever made. Brian’s Song, Remember the Titans, We are Marshall, the Longest Yard, Jerry Maguire, Hoosiers, The Blind Side, Paper Lion…just a few so really the list goes on…

     I know I have an interesting spin on our crazy world. I know I am alive. The rest of it is just life. Good bad or indifferent, I attempt to make it fun. I attempt to make it funny. I attempt to look at it half full, with a watchful eye on the crazyasses that would attempt to take it all away, with plans, schemes, and subterfuge, and mind numbingly unimportant movies about stuff that I couldn’t care less about... I couldn’t care less…because…

I am alive and It truly is…

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    I was driving to my mom’s house today to check out what was wrong with her toilet. The description she gives me leads me to believe that there is an obstruction in the beast. As most of you know (and if you did not know, you will know now) the waste line that leaves the toilet from the flange down is larger than the trap part of the toilet. Why is it that engineering disasters has never addressed this fact? The bowl is big, much bigger than the trap and the trap is usually a 2 inch diameter pipe in the porcelain and then the DWV line is usually 3 or 4 inches. Seems like a pretty easy catch...from big to small to big again...a recipe for disaster...

     Altogether now, can we all say BOTTLENECK??? There are bottlenecks everywhere. And the most common place for bottlenecks, other than the toilet or any plumbing setting, is on the road. The CollisiveForce Principle plainly states Two road riding/raging objects cannot occupy the same space at the same time. As the traffic lanes decrease the amount of chance to experience the CollisiveForce Principle goes up exponentially.

     As I am driving with my buddy the TuckMonster, I see a car coming up on my right…at a high rate of closure…The TuckMonster leans over and says to me, “Comin’ in hot!” maybe he did not really say that, but he did look over at me and stick his tongue out and go “Huh, Huh, Huh, Huh, Huh, Huh.” This proves yet again that it is not what you say but what they hear that is truly important. Then he licked my face…

     We are in the lane that goes straight and the lane to the right is for right-turns only. There is a sign ahead that says very loudly in caution yellow that the road narrows and the lane ends. I am in the slow moving line and accelerating as I see the red tail lights flash in sequence. Why did the light flash? BOTTLENECK!!!

     The car whips by me and the ten cars ahead of me, anticipating the green, guns it and whips in front of the line of cars that are already in motion in the lane to go straight. I instinctively whip my arm out in a protective fashion in preparation of major impact in an effort to protect the TuckMonster. Pretty much a dumb thing because he is heavy enough to cause the air-bag to go off and would prolly be okay in a five mile per hour collision…

     I can only hope the JackassDriver that committed that ridstupidous move had a life or death situation, to put other’s lives in jeopardy. Actually, I hope for nothing bad to come to anyone, I hope the LessThan five minutes that they saved, was used to some life-changing end…we all know it was not. We all know it was just someone that thought they were more important than the next guy… Jus' sayin'...

     I get to my mother’s house and the she maintains that the toilet does not flush or some such nonsense. I flush it and plop the plunger a couple times. There is not a thing wrong with it…As I am leaving I say, “If you want to have over for a cup o’ Joe, Ma, just ask me to come for coffee…” she smiles and I give her a hug…and the TuckMonster I do get to spend five minutes with my mom. Five minute that change my life…

      Five minutes I will never regret, because she will be gone from life far too early for my liking…five minutes that can change my life…what if I did not go to see her and something happened? It is kinda negative thinking. But with the events of the past week it is a realism that I must accept. We all die. And not when it is convenient or when we have had a proper time to say goodbye to our loved ones. Take those five minutes, with your loved ones, at any chance you can.

     It turns out there was less wrong with her toilet than the time I drove over to check out the lack of hot water in her house…My nephew was staying with her and he takes a shower and the water is not hot. I ask her if anyone took a shower before he took one. She replies that no one took a shower.

     I get there and turn on the hot water and it is hot…I mean HOT! Not just luke-warm, not kinda hot, but burn-your-fingers-and toes hot! Did you run the dishwasher or have the washing machine going? Turns out she had done a load of laundry. Just before the shower… TADA!!! “The hot water heater is not on demand, mom. It takes time to re-heat when someone takes a shower.” I give her a hug and sit down for a cup o’ Joe…

     Five minutes worth of skillful questioning would have changed my life. Sometimes the change is not as positive. Again I got to see my mom, to fix something that was not broken. I could look at the negative, of driving to fix nothing, but I look at the positive of seeing my mom…

     We are all in a ridstupidous hurry at some time or other. We all have some near misses. We all have times that we come very close to experiencing BOTTLENECKS that can cause CollisiveForce Principle. It is okay to speed past that slowass driver. So next time you are running late, and are figuring that it is okay to run that yellow light. Remember someone else may be in the same situation. And if there five minutes and you five minute collide it will change your life… It takes five minutes. To change your life. you will not regret it...Seriously.

THRU CLICK SOME ADS TO SAVE SOME PUPPIES!!!

If not this it would be something else…

      My last entry to the blog-o-sphere was a bit depressing and the week has been filled with ups and downs. Those of us that know Mike have been riding the VoHovator...It is up one minute down the next. Actually, it is a much slower PendulumishProgression but it sure feels that way when you are living it. But If Not This It Would Be Something Else… (henceforth: INTIWBSE)

     Daily struggles. We all have them. But INTIWBSE!!!!

TRENDING NOW!!!

Michael Douglas Kelly Ripa Renee Zellweger Home Listings Ice Road Truckers Chloe Grace More…Tiger Woods Wind Farm Retirement Plann… NFL Picks

     This mind-meld picture just made me laugh…

     Now mind you this girl was cute, much cuter than the mind-meld camera captured, but seriously? Advertising you HC Queendom in a car…and a Gremlin at that? SERIOUSLY? Oh yeah it is Homecoming week in many places. One more reason to be thankful that I have graduated and sorta matured…Who's wit me? (i know i wrote wit) 

     Having spent a bit of time this week in a hospital, I realized that hospitals are very Un-Green. It is consumerism in the 10th degree. Not only is a hospital full of bio-hazards and germs, it is a constant stream of debris and disposables.

     It is AMAZING that more people do not get sick when they spend time there. I know the doctors and nurses and support staffers are prolly fairly germ-conscience, but the teaming mass of All-Walks-Of-Life and Cleanliness-Factors is mind-bending-Malignancy in a can. The downfall of civilization will prolly be sparked by the germ-warfare that is a hospital…

     The fact is that your life changes immeasurably and in many ways when a close friend or family has a terrible accident… not as much as the victim, but change none-the-less…and as a member of the human race, we fear change….as an added bonus you exposed to an overdose of germiness and are surrounded by a ton of depression and death… INTIWBSE

     I have not had much time to search out my BloggerMuse and the moon has not been full or mebbe it has but I am very out of it…Typically the full moon is a very creative time for me. But …INTIWBSE…

     Wow INTIWBSE looks eerily similar to INTERWEB…there may be a connection…Jus’ Sayin’…

     I have said before I am a vampire, but I am also a Were-Blogger…good things usually come to me during a full moon…IDK…I have noticed that my eyebrows have a couple weird-ass long dark hairs protruding from them. Very Were-ish…Years ago when I shaved my left eyebrow, like Bob Geldorf’s character in Pink Floyd, The Wall, no one noticed. My eyebrows are nearly transparent. Except for the errant two hairs…they just keep coming back…I cut them off, they re-appear but INTIWBSE …if that does not say were-blogger, i do not know what does...

    This ArtPrize thingy going on in Downtown GR is a hoot…OR NOT…Actually, I would not know first hand, cuz I do not like crowds and hate driving in the metro area, so I avoid it at all costs. Unfortunately, I was driving to the hospital to see VoHo and got caught in a traffic jam. It only took me about 20 minutes to drive three blocks. And I saw a couple of fire trucks…since VoHo’s accident; I get a Gut-Grumbler every time a see one…

    There were a million people milling around. I saw enough to know that you could not get me to go down there for THE MILLION in change on the streets. Ok, mebbe I would go sown there for that, but seriously, not for much less. What a clusterfuk-fukeroo…

     I did see a bunch of people crossing the street and not at the crosswalks, and fortunately for them, none of them flipped me off, because I do not need a trip to the jailhouse… by the time I navigated the gawkers traffic jam I was a millisecond from coming unglued, but that is really not much different than any other day when I am driving in the downtown area…usually I do not have to contend with the Art-Prize Idiot Squad,  but INTIWBSE

     It has been an up and down week and the highs have been very high, like when VoHo sorta smiled at me moved his arms and all that…but the lows have been very low…the prognosis for VoHo is not good…he is still alive…high five!! He will have some paralysis, most likely from the neck down…I guess I am jumping the gun, but the visit on Friday was a major bummer… INTIWBSE

     We celebrated the first MCT of the year and it was good…free (to us) Crown Royal for everyone…a plus…did a small project and talked a bit o the talk and then backed it up with a bit o the walk…cuz that’s how we roll in the MCT crowd…The TuckMonster took a dump in the ManCave…hey jackass, no shitting in the MC…a bummer…yes he is still a puppy, but… INTIWBSE …SERIOUSLY? What else could he do that is worse than dropping a deuce in the MC? lots of things like chewing thru the power cord on the tablesaw, but who's counting?

     I have been dreaming a lot of weird stuff lately. I think it may have to do with the fact that I have cut back on the booze…it could be the meds I am taking.It is prolly something i picked up at the hospital... It could be a lot of things but INTIWBSE…

     A couple nights ago I dreamt of a house that had a bathroom with four showers. Four separate showers. In ONE bathroom!!! Very odd. One of the showers in this 4 shower bathroom had a urinal built in the shower. In the dream I thought that this was kinda cool. When I did the DreamPostMortum, when you try to figure out WTF the dream meant, I thought what’s the point?

     When you fire up most showers, the time to wait for the proper temperature is known as Water-Down-Time (WTD)...cuz the water just goes down the drain, right? a natural part of taking a shower... If I somehow forget to pee before I get in the shower, although the running water is a natural piss-inducer, I am going to piss while in the shower, which i call inshowero pissing. I mean I am already naked (fighting visual) Inshowero pissing is a GreenAction. If you are Green enough to have a 1.6 flusher then you are saving 1.6 gallons by draining the lizard inshowero. I am saving more cuz my toilet uses about 30 gallons per flush and most times I have to DoubleFlush...very Un-Green...    

      I know most of you guys have prolly done the inshowero piss. Some of the women have prolly done this as well. …   The waste water all goes to the same sewer line. This GreenAction saves water and not just by eliminating a flush, it also saves the WTD, waiting for the shower to re-get to the proper temperature to make your re-entrance, . If you exit the shower and leave the water running that is VeryUnGreen…there goes the 1.6 you could have saved...Jus' Sayin'.... 

    Okay, so you could shut down the shower and exit. Do the urine-drop and reset the whole process. That does not seem very green.  It seems very UnGreen. but this is "Merica...whatever.. peein' in the shower is my new green effort!!! just doin' my part for the future generations of this planet!!!

  TANGENT ALERT!!!TANGENT ALERT!!!

     This week I discovered a new dip for tortilla chips cuz I am special like that. My wife recently made about 20 jars of salsa. Good salsa cost around $4.00 in the grocery store. That means we have about $80.00 worth of good salsa. And this salsa rocks. It is not too hot, but it has great flavor, and a couple shakes of Tabasco in it kicks it up to speed…I am sure she used about $100.00 worth of veggies to make it but hey INTIWBSE…

     Oh yeah, I was talking about the new dip.

1 cup of small curd cottage cheese (and not that low fat stuff. the low fat stuff tastes like eating a wet sweat sock. Don’t ask me how I know, I just do)

2 scooops of my wife's homade home-made salsa (no, i did not mean 'ho made)

3 shakes of Tabasco (not red-hot, not anything but Tabasco)

A dash of coarse ground Black pepper (WTF is a dash? you figure that out. i can only do so much for you) 

A dash of garlicsalt-pepper mix (no substitutions, please)

Stir (not shanken) and eat with chips…

     THANK YOU FOR THE WELL WISHES, PRAYERS, AND THOUGHTS THIS PAST WEEK!!!

      The world is full of ups and downs, crisis’s, and zenith’s AND we all have our our version of the VoHovator...but INTIWBSE…I saw the other day that K-mart is Re-introducing Lay-away…trey cool.
I have decided to put my bad news on a layaway plan.  Henceforth I too will put my troubles on lay-away…I will only withdraw a bit-o-trouble at a time. If too many bad things happen at once I will ignore the most of it, get drunk and go to sleep perchance to dream something even more f-d up than the 4 shower dream. INTIWBSE Or something like that. I refuse to be depressed cuz… INTIWBSE….

     AND IT IS… 

THRU CLICK SOME ADS AND SAVE SOME USED PETS!!!