Round trip…

     Today I drove in a very large circle. More like a two-year-olds rendition of a circle. It was, however, a round trip. Not the usual large circle like in a parking lot. Driving in circles makes me queasy. Except when I am spinning donuts. That is fun! If I get queasy I get sick, and puke. My truck is a Puke Free Smoke Friendly vehicle. At least most of the time.

     Not the, “Who’s driving this car, Stevie wonder?” circle either. (quote from the movie *Die Hard*,) http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0095016/quotes I went almost 200 miles and had a ton of time to ponder the complexities of our modern world. Well, that is when I wasn’t texting or taking little notes for this blog, or searching for a radio station, or talking on the phone and searching for people to call. Thank God I did not have any lip-gloss left or I might not be here to relate this little story…Oh, yeah, and I did happen to work a bit as well...

      It is good to see our federal tax dollars hard at work. If putting people back to work means setting up Orange Cone Zones, then the economy is booming. Interestingly enough cones are circular…hmmm…

      If I were not working I would try to get one of those jobs. I think I am qualified to be a *shovel leaner*. I might be good at holding the stop/slow sign, so *sign holder* would be cool… I know I could be the cigarette *smoker*… I could probably be the *bossy* guy that drives around bossing all the shovel leaners, smokers, and sign holders around, since one of my nicknames is Brucellini… I think he also get so smoke a lot ocigarettes (and kill some bad guys) I can do that !

     The picture at right was taken by the new app on my camera phone called the *Google satellite OCZ imager.* I downloaded it for $19.95, plus applicable taxes, surcharges, and fees. It will probably come out to about $59.99 after all the fees and such. But it is worth it.

     It is amazing that there is almost as much road deconstruction OCZ’s on my route, than clear roads. Which translates to about 7000 displaced factory workers off one government dole, *Unenjoyment*, and on to another *Get America Working Keep ‘em on Every Road* or GAWKER. If you were ever wondering why the traffic slows down in these stretches, it is because of GAWKER’S stares. I know you might have thought like I used to think that it was because, invariably some jackassery of superslowass driving was going but I never really knew why. Now we know.GAWKERS stares. Jus'sayin'

    

    After driving for what felt like around three days and three nights I saw this interesting truck. I took a break from my texting and lip-gloss, just long enough to snap this pic with my camera phone. I swear it was *Flintstone* powered. Sorry about the quality, I had to swerve to miss a couple *shovel leaners* and a couple *smokers*, while trying to find the cherry that fell off the cigarette that I was smoking. FYI, leg hair smells as bad as head hair when it is ignited, and burning of rip-stop shorts only adds to the bouquet!

        Finally, when I was back in radio range for 107.3,*the ball*, I tuned into the Huge show. I do not like Huge, he is a moronic microphone licker. He does talk about local sports if you can get pass the gas he spews that he considers Huge Opinions. He is a Hugeicrite. He is a blow hard of huge proportions that changes his tune so many times that I really cannot remember what he is ranting about. He makes my head hurt and spin like Linda Blair.

     One minute he is bashing Brandon Inge and then the next he is interviewing him. One minute he is bashing the Lions (easy to do) and Jim Shwartz and the next he is sucking up to him on a phone interview. Out his ass and then up their ass, or as I like to call it, Circluar Assism.     

     Oh yeah, He was ranting about Galaragga’s *no hitter*. Well, actually, blown no hitter. The umpire, and I can’t remember his name, although I only heard it like 10,000 times today, (9999 by Hugeicrite, in  a 90 second span) blew the call. http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/news?slug=ap-imperfectgame

     After about three minutes, of Hugeicrite and his Circular Assism, I threw up in my mouth a little. I then changed the station to some easy listening station, and threw up  in my mouth a lot. But no spew hit the cloth, my clothes, or dashboard. Thank God.

     Round Trip. I drove in a large circle. Round Trip. I ended were I started. I still feel a little dizzy, but I washed the foul taste of spew out with (Oh and BTW...Thanks Jack and A-bomb!) a beer…

Just another day in paradise

The reality barometer

 Some of my blogs have a twist that life is negatively, albeit nothing deadly, influenced by others actions. I am mostly upbeat and jovial about the subject matter for the sake of entertainment. Being today is a holiday; I could have easily done what many journalists do and re-run a previous blog. I choose not to…
     Some days I contemplate the brevity of life. I spend too much time contemplating, whereas I should be living. The mortal span of our existence is short compared to say the universe, but very long compared to a TSE-TSE fly. However, some days while I am plowing the thoughts in my field of dreams, I dwell far too much on the negative. Some days I think we should all be Soylent Green….

BTW  in case you did not catch that...Soylent Green is People…

     Sometimes when the days are darkest there are things that happen that make the bad seem not so bad, and the world seems to be less out of control than it was just seconds before. I call this the reality barometer. I should really check it more frequently. I think my phone has an app for this…oh wait I have AT&T, so it really does not matter, app or not, it will only work occasionally, so I guess I can just go back to the feeling I get from the nylon implant around my left eye. (Seriously, detached retina, many years ago, so they banded it and I can still see)

     Most days I think customer service is a script, and simple acts of kindness are dinoesque…but that is why there is a reality barometer. Exceptional acts and small acts of kindness set it off…

     Today, as I was in the process of celebrating a Monday holiday, I decided to go to the store. It was time to empty my world of returnable bottles and cans. Holiday trips to the store are usually a horrendous, haphazard array of bad events. I actually had some surprising positive experiences. I thought the reality barometer was simply the humidity. Sometimes I ignore the reality barometer, maybe because of the voices and all…

     The first thing that happened that was surprising was when I pulled off the street into the confusion of the Breton Village parking lot, or as I usually think of it, the demolition derby. I usually have to be on double Spidey sense to avoid a catastrophic collision with many of the non-driving types of operators in the parking lot. You know how it is, the motto of the parking lot, which by the way was stolen by Outback Restaurants, “No Rules, Just Right.” Someone actually yielded the right of way, instead of firing a shot across my bow. (thank god i had my trusty picture phone.... and I can dazzle you with my photgenic, er i mean photgraphic abilities....)

    The next thing that happened was I returned my change at the Coinstar machine. It cost me a couple bucks, but seriously, counting all that change? That would seriously encroach on my nap time. I finished and headed to the bottle return, where it seemed that everyone in the western hemisphere had decided to return the bottles and cans from the party weekend.

     As I was contemplating the next three hours of my life waiting for a machine to open up a young girl asked me if I was just at the Coinstar machine. I replied that I was. She then holds up a penny, and tells me I left it there. Wow, honesty for a penny? I could have swore I heard the *Twilight Zone* theme off in the distance. I pinched myself and said, “You can keep it, and if I had some more I would give it to you for being honest.” BTW, it was a Canadian penny, and I think due to the rate of exchange and all that it is worth slightly more than a penny, or maybe slightly less, but whose counting? I should not ignore the reality barometer.
     Then the guy that had three carts (no lie) filled with bottles, all neatly stuffed into the 24 pack containers, said I could go ahead of him. As he had the rest of these and I only had a few. Seriously? Have I died and gone to heaven? I tapped the reality barometer a couple more times…”Is this thing on?” I muttered.
     As I wove thru the chaos that is the *afterthought* bottle return area in the Breton Village D&W, the guy on the only glass machine said, “Go ahead, I am waiting for my wife to finish the plastics, I can help her.” As I was returning all the glass I found one plastic bottle, I gave it to the guy and said, “It ain’t much but thanks…”
     When I went to get my cash from bottles and Coinstar, I went thru the self check lane. The self checkout watchdog came over and said, “you cannot just get refunds, or Coinstar here.” I was ready for the bad news. I paused. I waited. “wait for it…wait for it…"I thought. Then the cashier watchdog said, (wait for it) "Oh, but I can help you right over here.” Check your drawers, she said what? She could help me right over here… the reality barometer.
     The world is filled with stupid people, and some should be Soylent Green…Come to think of it what is REALLY in those gas station hot dogs?  Every now and then I glance at the reality barometer and see there is still a lot of good in the human race. There are still a lot of decent people, doing the right thing. I try to be one of them. We should all polish up the reality barometer and try to be one of them.

Just another day in paradise

The stupidity factor

On this weekend we remember the valiant men and women that gave their lives in the name of freedom and/or protecting the American way of life. They may have perished but I, for one, appreciate the sacrifice, hence this blog is in honor of our military…God Bless our troops everywhere…

     The world is full of stupid people. Stupidity probably explains the number of wars raging around the globe on any given Sunday, or any day for that matter. I call this the stupidity factor. This should not be confused with the jackass factor. While similar they are unique in their own special way. Jackassery, while stupid, is a conscious effort, whereas stupidity just happens, because some people are stupid. There is also the cross-pollination of the two, an animal know as the stupid jackass, but that is a blog for another day. Today I will focus on stupidity.

     Like a weather reporter, I am giving you the heads up on the stupidity factor. If you decide to travel this weekend, do so with caution. The stupidity factor is directly proportional to the number of people on the roads. It also correlates to the temperature. I figure it on a 100 point scale, with no particular parameters, so it is arbitrary, just like predicting the weather... It will be sunny with a chance of Stupidity. There may also be some liquid stupidity...or it could be cloudy with a chance of Suncrazies......The Stupidity Factor this weekend is hovering around high of 93 and a low of 87…Be warned…

    Stupidity happens. It is all around us. For example, when you go thru the drive thru and your plain McDouble has special sauce on it, most likely that was not intentional, it was stupidity. SF = 67 No malice, just stupidity. Hacking a loogie on an unsuspecting customer, that is stupid jackassery.

     BTW, I abhor special sauce, and its ugly twin, Thousand Island dressing. I have a problem adding sweet pickle relish to anything. It is just gross-o-rama. I think special sauce is simply Thousand Island dressing with a splash of yucky…I don’t EVEN want to know what that ingredient is…We can just call it yucky and be done…

     Another case of stupidity is the French fry bagger who invariably sets the fries in the bag with the sandwiches either side ways or even upside down, so they all fall into the bag instead of staying in the little fry bag they were meant to be in. Seriously? Do they even teach about gravity in schools any more? GRAVITY WORKS dammit!! You know, the fry bag is engineered for you to crotch while driving, so you can eat and drive. Stupidity factor = 99.

     The war in the Middle East where ever we are still engaged is a stupidity factor of 86. The Bush Administrations handling of the war, is SF = 99.9. The idea of calling French Fries freedom fries…SF = 94. The WMD’s or lack thereof, SF =88.

    Below is an actual case of stupidity in action; I captured it in my minds eye (Thanks SKI) and uploaded it into my computer with this really cool UBS mind meld cable I bought from a guy out of a van in a gas station parking lot for $3.00. I also bought some steaks...As I left he said, "let the force be with you," or "live well and prosper" he was mumbling, so I did not quite catch the syntax...I still do not know why the instructions say to….No, on second thought, I won’t go there…(Use your imagination)

The guy in the car is slowing down
I have my turn signal on signaling
My intention to move into the lane
All the while I am slowing down and
We both want to be in the same lane
His reaction time is remarkably the same
As mine. When I finally get his attention
I get the stupidity factor wave for me to go
Ahead of him. BTW stupidly he didn’t
have his signal on.

Stupidity factor = 85
     As you can see, the cable works about as well as my cell phone camera. We could blame it on operator error, but I really think it has to do with the lead based paint I have absorbed over the years. Thank God the EPA is finally doing something about LBP!!! EPA AND LBP SF = 95.7
     Not even two minutes later I had this incident. I was attempting to enter the freeway; the SF van driver was one lane over form the merging lane, when suddenly he decided to merge, nearly hitting me. Good thing I was not texting or playing air guitar, or it could have been messy as well as stupid…When I looked over to flip him off I  could read his lips and I think he said, "Oh, it's not the speed really so much, I just wish I hadn't drunk all that cough syrup this morning." http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0083131/quotes

 

Notice the lack of other traffic.
I know it seems kind of odd
Being a holiday week end and all…

                        

I believe the Stupidity factor = 93

     Anyone that puts those stupid giant rims and really narrow tires on a car has a high stupidity factor. It looks stupid, therefore it is. The same with buying pants that are 10 sizes too big and wearing them around the middle of your buttock, holding them up with one hand. Opinion flash…No one wants to know what color or style undies you are wearing today. BUY some pants that fit. Both of these are in the SF = 70’s
     Kevin Mathews, the DJ was mildly funny in the 80’s. Jim (Gym?) Shorts was NEVER a funny character. The stupidity factor of Kevin Mathews is in the low 90’s. Why is he still even on the air? Jim Shorts stupidity factor 109. He gets extra credit for being INCREDIBLY STUPID…
     Sean Hannity is not only ridonlkulous; he is not funny, or mildly entertaining.He markets in fear. He markets in ignorance. Fear and ignorance lead to Misunderstanding. Misunderstanding often leads to WAR. If you do not understand the perceived enemy, then how can you justifiably hate them. Jus' sayin'...
     My ideals are not adequately represented by either side of the political spectrum, because the only service the political system really serves is the propagation of itself. It may be the best system in the world but it is flawed. It is time for change, but let's not go there yet, as I digress...
     It is opinionflashers like him that keep the fear, loathing, and war effort going.  SF = 94. His bill board on M-6, the one where he is looking up like the buffoon that he is, rates and astounding 99.999…No scratch that, make it 109.99. He gets extra credit for being stupid, looking stupid, and lacking the innate intelligence to NOT put a picture of him on bill board, let alone the picture he or his handlers chose. You could call it ego, but would defer to just Palin stupidity.


     The previous video is further proof of the Stupidity Factor of an entirely different sub-genre, Palin Stupidity or PF. (Pot to be confused with Porn Fairy). The PF automatically adds at least 10 x the roll of a 6-sided die to your SF. Seriously, Witches? In this century? REALLY?
     Her candidacy alone should have made every single Conservative question their party’s legitimacy, let alone Stupidity Factor. If I were looking for a spokesperson for Stop Inbreeding Now (SIN), I would be more than happy to have her blather a couple of lines of her particular brand of snappy repartee… No, not really…Every time I hear her speak I loose a few brain cells, which I can ill afford what with my affinity for Crown and Coke.
     Hopefully with this warning you are safe from the SF this week end. I know my prayers are with you. And if you are a praying person say an extra prayer for the men and women in uniform, across the globe, fight for life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness, and sadly, the Stupidity Factor…

Just another day in paradise

Splain this…

    It has been suggested that I include some pictures with my blog. I decided to try it for the second time so I took these pictures with my camera phone. The quaity is not great, but hey, I was driving, and I am techtarded. I did photoshop them a bit to get the text on the shots and make them a bit better than the originals. 

     Peter Falk starred as Columbo when I was growing up. I do not remember what night it was on, or what time. I do know it was on one of the *ONLY 4* broadcast stations we got from the rabbit ears. It was before I had cable. Before HD…Before a lot of things. It was long ago. He may or may not have said, “Explain this to me like I am a kindergartner.” I remember he did.

      It also could have been Dennis Weaver as Mc Cloud, or Telly Savalas as Kojak But feel free to correct me, as my memory is not the greatest in all things…I have used this *borrowed* phrase on many occasions, so it is only right that I throw it out there in my blog… I am pretty sure it was a Columboism...

     As many of you know, these blogs come to me from the Muse of Driving...I have a ton of Windshield time. I also get Jackassed on many occasions while driving to and fro.

   Columbo always figured out the mystery, however, some things just confuse old Brucellini…If he were still on the television I think his latest mystery would be to detemine who wrote the Jackassery  Bill of Rights...Being confused I am asking for a little Columboesque detective work, from you my loyal and faithful readers…It is an open book test…

     The following blog is factual. Well, as factual as any other blog I have written. Maybe more factual. My fact checker quit sometime last December, which coincidentally coincides with when I first started blogging. It may have had something to do with differing political views…I really do not remember all the facts…It may have had to do with me asking for my fact checker to Splain this to me like I am kindergartner….

        I was parked in the Menards lot. I walked to my truck. It was hot. Africa Hot! (Biloxi Blues, 1998, Matthew Broderick) (You can look it up on the search engine) However, it was not as hot as the Chevy truck with a hard-shell flat-top bed cover with a spoiler on it. Splain this to me like I am kindergartner…Why would you need that on your truck? Does it:

     A. Increase your gas mileage?
     B. Make your truck look Ubercool?
     C. Increase you dorkfactor?

     D. All of the above

    

    

The spoiler also probably gives you license to take up two spaces.

I think that is in the
Jackassery Bill of Rights.

I always try to find a pull-thru spot in a parking lot. I try to pull as forward as I can without blocking the egress of other vehicles. What I do for a living means that many days my truck is full and anyone that knows me, knows I am considerably challenged when it comes to backing out of a parking space. The fullness of my truck only heightens matters… Splain this to me like I am kindergartner…Why does a SUV (stupid unthinkers vehicle) always take the spot behind me and parks about 3 mm from my bumper? Is it:

A. they want to get close enough to read the logo on my truck?
B. they have no concern for anyone but themselves?
C. there is no other spot in the 20 acre parking lot?
D. the blind person driving is thankful they did not hit that other vehicle.

         

The Jackassery  Bill of Rights
also provides for every American to do whatever they please, when ever they want.

     On my way home I saw another SUV parked on the wrong side of a two-lane, no shoulder road. The operator of this particular vehicle reached thru the window to get the mail. Splain this to me like I am kindergartner….Did they do this because:

A. they were too lazy to walk the 25 feet from the garage to the mailbox?

B. they are Ubercool?

C. It is a SUV?

D.they wished they wrote the Jackassery Bill of Rights

     

I KNOW that owning a SUV is in the Jackassery Bill of Rights...As it should be…

    

     

      At the gas station I saw a black BMW Z-3. The owner of this vehicle was somewhere in the gas station. I did not see this person, but there were no women in the station, besides the cashier. Just to be safe on my supposition, I went and knocked on the Women’s room door. After getting no answer, I opened the unlocked door, and peered in side. (NOT REALLY) However, I could surmise no women would be in this car. I may have forgotten to mention the air-freshener was a bikini chick. (I guess the case could be made that this car could have been owned by a Lesbian, but I doubt it.) Splain this to me like I am kindergartner…Why is the guy driving this kind of car:

A. fat and bald?
B. middle-aged and wearing a pink golf shirt (or salmon)?
C. thinks he wrote the  Jackassery Bill of Rights?
D. old and still a dork even though he has a cool car?

I think salmon and pink golf shirts
are required by the
Jackassery Bill of Rights.



 






Some things just confuse old Brucellini…There are no right answers… I am jus’ sayin’ what you all are thinkin’… “One more thing…” Please somebody…
Splain this to me like I am kindergartner…

Just another day in paradise

OMG!!! Libby is 16…

     I do not feel old today. Although, maybe I should, however, I had a relaxing day Saturday. Usually when a niece,  nephew,or young person gets married, I feel a bit aged…(And maybe a tad bit over-served) The wedding was not nearly as difficult as I thought it would be, as I have an aversion to weddings that is similar to funerals…I love receptions, though!!! Imagine that? However, I much prefer to never go to a dry wedding reception again. But, hey, it was not my day…Congrats to the Bride and Groom….May married life be Good to Andy and Meryl and God Bless!!!

     HOWEVER, The big news this week, not to over shadow a wedding but really, in my little slice of the world, the little girl that used to fall asleep on the half mile ride to school, turned 16. That’s like 2 and 2/7th dog years!!! Seriously, she could not stay awake for five minutes in a car. Now she is old enough to drive. Or at least take her drivers test…soon…VERY SOON!!!

Happy 16TH Birthday!!!!

     Pictures!!! This is a historic occasion, as I have never included a picture in a blog, but there is a first time for everything. Just like a wedding, a funeral and a sixteenth birthday. The guys at Mancave sang a rousing rendition of happy birthday, also a first, to have a girl included in the super secret happenings of the sacred rites of Mancave. (Yeah, RIIIGHT!)

     So the little girl that used to nap on the way to kindergarten is now going to drive. I cannot stop the slight shudder that has gone up my spine. She is still my baby! The same little girl that told me one morning as she was dancing in front of a mirror sans clothes and said, “ I am not naked, I am wearing a sock!”, as she was supposed to be getting dressed for school. Looking back, I was ill prepared to face this little bundle of trouble. How tough can it be? I used to think, she’s just a little girl…

     Opinion flash!! For some reason, the ideas used in training a puppy do not work with a child. For one they can talk back and for another they have a piecing banshee like voice that they use to attempt to manipulate the situation. When two headstrong personalities collide, there is only one winner, but still it is a matter of choosing your battles. There are other reasons as well, but for the sake of expediancy, let's not go there.
     You also cannot simply put a 6 year old in a training crate. Well, admit it we all have WANTED to put our children in  a training crate (doggie den), but the powers that be may frown on that... She can put herself in there, and did on occasion, but the opposing thumb thing and the higher intellect of a child as opposed to a dog makes the locking mecahnism easily defeatable.

     Headstrong and full of piss and vinegar, she can still try my patience. Especially when driving. She actually drove to the wedding yesterday. Roxy was stressed, Libby was driving, and me, I was praying like I was a leper on my deathbed. We get there with the car in one piece and our bodies unscathed, but not without a few years shaved from my allotted life span. But again, I thank God…I sat in the backseat, as the patience is much better back there for some reason…

     The same little girl that wanted to ride the trolley in St. Augustine, FL, and was told by an inexperienced father, that we would ride in the blue trolley. The blue trolley was actually the van we rode to Florida in, so if you can imagine the screeching histrionics that ensued, multiply the sound and duration by ten and it would be close to the chaos. Hey, I STILL think that was funnny... However, I learned something, but because I am an Idiot, I did not apply the lesson immediately.

     A few hours after the blue trolley ordeal, we had the mall fiasco. I thought that the bansheeism was exorcised from her system, but no such luck. It is amazing that the refractory period for bansheeism is so slight...I really have yet to figure out the catalyst to the whole mental meltdown, but I am sure that the length of time awake had an influence. Well that and did I Mention she is headstrong?

     She is growing up. And I am at a loss as to how to reach her. My emotionality, stunted by the Y chromosome, is ill prepared for a young woman. Bull headed, as I am, I do not like to butt heads with her. I usually can come to some kind of compromise, but sometimes my gut reaction to lay down the heavy handed punishment gets the better of me. And as a parent, I am still learning, because she is still growing. There is only one alpha dog in this den. She will be her own alpha dog some day. but for now, I am alpha...
     And at least she is not dating, that I know of. It may be to her chagrin that she does not have a boy that follows her around like little Tucker, but I am Thankful. The last thing I want to deal with right now is some guy with an abundance of testoterone sniffing around our den...In my eyes, She is still my baby...

     The little girl that cut her hair, cut the dogs hair and cut the bed sheet, but swore up and down that she did not do it is going to have a license. BTW, we did find the scissors under her pillow. Imagine that.

     The little girl that I coached, albeit terribly, from u-6 thru u-12 in AYSO is going to be unleashed upon an unsuspecting operator’s arena. God help her and them… Selfishly, I pray mostly for her.

     My little girl is now about ready to take one of the most important steps of her young life. She is about to experience the freedom of driving. ON HER OWN!!! Without adult supervision. And I AM SCARED! She’s still a little girl!! She is not really that old is she? Yes, Bruce she is and man up and accept it.

     I was not fearful when Chris started driving. Call it MCP bravado, or whatever, but my fear was lessened. Maybe it was simply because it was new and he was a boy, and because I was naive. Well, and chauvinistic.

     While I am sure she knows I love her, I am unsure that I convey it enough. She is a wonderful child and neither of my step-children has disappointed me. For that I am tremendously thankful. I love them both. And am proud of them, but on this day, I am proudest of her. For today, she steps one step closer to the danger zone, one step closer to moving on, one step closer to being the woman that I want her to be.

     Time catches up to all of us, even the Pan that I am, realizes I will not be young forever, and that neither will my little girl be forever 6. Letting go, while difficult is my right of passage to insure her right of passage. I know she will be fine. I think she can stay awake long enough to get the car out of the garage and to the store, infinity and beyond…She will handle it. So, I keep repeating this mantra, “She will be fine.” I have been saying it for a long time, but now I must believe it.

Just another day in paradise